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Married with 2 children, worried about brother-in-law's finances and impact on family's future

Anu Krishna |1293 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 27, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 26, 2024Hindi

I am married with 2 children. My brother-in-law (bil) [aged 46] is a divorcee since 2016 and had a failed suicide attempt when he was 18 years old due to a broken relationship. Post his divorce my bil did not find any suitable alliances from various matrimonial sites and had an unsuccessful one-sided love with one of his colleagues who is also a divorcee. My father-in-law or fil [aged 80 years old] is working part time and is not in talking terms with my bil however he willingly hands over money to my bil for managing his expenses. My bil used to stay in various parts of India on an average for 10 months as a part of his job. I happened once to check the bank statement of my bil and noted that the account balance was only Rs: 300. It was surprising as he was receiving 5.5 lakhs per annum as in-hand salary, had no alimony to be given to his ex-wife and gave money occasionally to his parents for their expenses. When questioned he did not give any concrete reasons for a low bank balance to our family and confirmed that he had zero savings/investments. In October 2023 my bil requested me for Rs: 2 lakh to clear his credit card dues. My bil confessed to me and my wife that he had spent lakhs of rupees on alcohol, cigarettes, prostitutes and had taken loan from various credit cards thereby exhausting all his savings. My bil promised that he will improve on his vices and would repay 10K every month from December 2023 onwards. However as on 25-Jul-2024 my bil only paid me 25K in total. He has started drinking and is jobless since 01-May-2024. I had to reveal to my fil about his bad habits and requested him to throw my bil out of the house as my fil was managing his expenses. I have a strong feeling that my bil has returned back to his old vices. Considering our day today expenses and unpredictability of the future costs we need to have prudent strategies to save money especially when one is 80 years old. I am really concerned that my fil is still supporting my bil financially for months despite knowing that the money is being misused by bil. My fil has only 5 lakhs as savings in Fixed Deposits. I and my wife are working professionals and have our own expenses to manage. I am really bothered that if my fil goes will exhaust all his savings and ultimately there would be a financial pressure on me and my wife to support my fil. At times my bil gives death/suicide threats due to which they are worried and my bil has become carefree as he is aware that my fil will bear all his financial needs when needed. Despite my fil bearing his expenses I am sure that the loans of my bil will never be repaid as my bil has no saving attitude. Please help.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Your BIL is living on the generosity from each of you. That supply chain when broken will then ensure that he will start to mend his ways. But it is possible that he has already gone into the deep end of the tunnel here.
Do suggest to your FIL to stop all money support; when this happens, your BIL is bound to contact your FIL again which when your FIL can suggest that his son get serious about getting treated by a professional who can manage his addictive behaviors and also help him come out of his relationship hits.
He has simply been reacting to his 'failure' of relationships and not everyone gets out it clean and free. A few out there struggle and your BIL is perhaps one of them. This is not to excuse his indulging in unpleasant and unhealthy activities BUT this is likely to continue as a response to unresolved issues.
He may not want to get to a professional but take it one step at a time. Even if he needs to come back home and be with his family, that care and support while he is in therapy can help him get back on his feet. My suggestion is not to delay this anymore...he needs help and NOW!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
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