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I'm in a Troubled 14-Year Marriage With 4 Young Kids. What Should I Do?

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |552 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Hemant Question by Hemant on Jan 13, 2025Hindi
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Relationship

Married for 14 years have 4 kids below 7 age for the past 9 to 10 years going through troubled marriage, not happy. Misunderstanding, high expectations, manipulation and single handed decisions by my wife have exhausted me . Want to come out of marriage but worried of kids and also my wife says no to divorce. Don't know what to do.. First 2 kids by IVF 2nd two kids due to my wife's longing for male child

Ans: Dear Hemant,
Your love for your kids is evident, and it’s natural to fear how a separation would affect them. But the reality is, children pick up on tension, conflict, and unhappiness at home. Staying in a marriage that drains you emotionally and mentally isn’t necessarily better for them in the long run. Kids need a stable, loving environment, and if you’re constantly feeling manipulated and exhausted, it affects the energy you bring into their lives.

You don’t have to make a rushed decision, but you do need clarity. Have you tried setting firm boundaries and communicating your need for a more balanced relationship? If you’ve already done everything you can and nothing has changed, then it may be time to explore legal options, even if she says no to divorce. In most cases, a divorce doesn’t require both partners to agree—it just makes the process more complicated.

You deserve a life where you feel respected, valued, and emotionally free. Your children deserve a father who is at peace, not one who is silently suffering. It might be hard to take the next step, but staying in an unhappy marriage just for the sake of avoiding conflict can take a greater toll on everyone involved. You need to consider what will truly allow you—and your kids—to have a healthier and happier future.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1545 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 13, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 12, 2023Hindi
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I have second marriage and staying 9 years. Now my age is 50 years, and my wife age is 40. I have one child years of years 6. I am in a managerial Position in a company. My wife is a Housewife and her behavior's, misconduct, lack of ownership towards me as well as home is always upset and irritate me. My child was born by IFV method due to her irregular period. She has got many opportunities to recover this problem and treatment also got an early-stage life. Due to lack of her understanding and knowledge, lack of own effort, irresponsible and liar nature, did not overcome her problem and therefore, we cannot go for second baby. Now me and my son also suffer from 2nd baby, though I have sufficient resource to look two children. I need to monitor all the things of my son’s health, extracurricular activity, education etc. She also neglects my mother. I feel she is very quality less and very dirty woman and talking valueless, not concern with health of own as well as other family member. Therefore, I and my wife staying in same home, but from last 4 years I have been separated from my wife and living in separate room. Sometimes I think to separate from my wife, but it may affect relation with my son as well as his mental condition. I am trying to adopt a second child also. I found she is not concern with quality, health, and economy. Therefore, I need to do home marketing, finance, monitoring home, health etc. which has already affected at my career also. Please advise me what to do? I feel my future is very dark with my wife. No emotions, no love and intimacy in the relation. I do regular walking & jogging and gardening is also my hobby.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
When you seem to have decided that your wife is not going to change, no matter what happens, you will not be able to see that change. Everything about her will be irritating and annoying.
Now you say that she could have done something to avoid IVF, but why are you not thankful that you have a child now.
Having another child as well has to be the choice of both parents. Does your wife want another baby? Just by having money to support the child is not enough. You also need to have the mental and physical ability and willingness to raise another child. Also, do you think it is wise to have another child with the current relationship challenges with your wife?
There seems to be some assumptions that you have made about your wife which could have happened due to misunderstandings and arguments over years. It is definitely from both sides. But since, you are writing in...I can only address your concerns...Obviously her lack of interest in the family also suggests that she also seems to have her challenges.
So, before anything else...first work on having a better marriage and this is a suggestion for both of you! You can eat the fruit from a tree without first planting the seed for the tree to grow.

Seek the help of a professional if you can so that both of you can first learn how to communicate with each other and then settles your differences and then you can start planning a brighter future. Continue with your exercise and always try to look for what's positive in your life. It helps to tide over challenges and have a better outlook towards life!

All the best!

..Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |552 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 07, 2024Hindi
Listen
Relationship
Married for 14 years have 4 kids below 7 age for the past 9 to 10 years going through troubled marriage, not happy. Misunderstanding, high expectations, manipulation and single handed decisions by my wife have exhausted me . Want to come out of marriage but worried of kids and also my wife says no to divorce. Don't know what to do.. First 2 kids by IVF 2nd two kids due to my wife's longing for male child
Ans: Your love for your kids is evident, and it’s natural to fear how a separation would affect them. But the reality is, children pick up on tension, conflict, and unhappiness at home. Staying in a marriage that drains you emotionally and mentally isn’t necessarily better for them in the long run. Kids need a stable, loving environment, and if you’re constantly feeling manipulated and exhausted, it affects the energy you bring into their lives.

You don’t have to make a rushed decision, but you do need clarity. Have you tried setting firm boundaries and communicating your need for a more balanced relationship? If you’ve already done everything you can and nothing has changed, then it may be time to explore legal options, even if she says no to divorce. In most cases, a divorce doesn’t require both partners to agree—it just makes the process more complicated.

You deserve a life where you feel respected, valued, and emotionally free. Your children deserve a father who is at peace, not one who is silently suffering. It might be hard to take the next step, but staying in an unhappy marriage just for the sake of avoiding conflict can take a greater toll on everyone involved. You need to consider what will truly allow you—and your kids—to have a healthier and happier future.

..Read more

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