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Love, Caste and Tough Decisions: Should I Continue My Intercaste Relationship?

Shalini

Shalini Singh  |134 Answers  |Ask -

Dating Coach - Answered on Jul 17, 2024

Shalini Singh is the founder of andwemet, an online matchmaking service for urban Indians living in India and overseas. After graduating from college as a kindergarten teacher, Singh worked at various firms specialising in marketing strategy, digital marketing and public relations before finding her niche as an entrepreneur. In 2008, she founded Galvanise PR, an independent communications and public relations. In 2019, she launched andwemet.
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DIVyA Question by DIVyA on Jul 15, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

Ma'am, I love a girl very much; we understand each other without saying anything, like soulmates. Both my girlfriend and I are intercaste, and her parents are very strict. They would kill her if they found out she was thinking about intercaste marriage. My girlfriend has now given up on the situation, and talks about her marriage have started at her house. I don't know what to do – whether to continue the relationship with her or not. On one hand, I think I should stay with her and love her until her engagement is fixed, but on the other hand, I feel I should leave her now because her father will never accept a love plus intercaste marriage in this lifetime.

Ans: You said you love her - well when we love someone we wish the best for them, whatever it is - so in this situation do what is best for her.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1193 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 06, 2022

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Relationship
Hi Anu, I am in a relationship with a girl from my office for nearly 1.5 years now. We both speak Marathi only sub caste is different.At start of our relationship we discussed about it as she tells me her parents will not support her, so I convinced her that I will support her in every way possible to convince her parent and will stand with her though every situation. I am 31 years old and she is 27. Her parents told her that she has 2 years for marriage so she is currently focusing on career right now.My parents are forcing me for marriage. As her family has issues with my subcaste and she is not willing to disclose our relationship for another 2 years. So I told her that I will wait for 1 year then we can disclose our relationship to both families mines and her, if your family agrees we can wait for one more year so that she can focus on career and she can get 2 years as per her parents. Moreover I will always support her in career and family issues. But still she is not ready she told me that she will not tell her family about our relationship until 2 years are complete. Can you please suggest me any solution for this?
Ans:

Dear TG,

At this point, what is missing for you possibly is if after the wait, if she will still be there in the relationship?

If she isn’t willing to complicate her family life at this point in time, I guess she has valid reasons for that which must be respected.

But what If the two of you sit down where you can put down your feelings and find an amicable way of easing this.

I am sure there are a lot of ifs and buts that is making you feel the way that you are. It is only imperative that you called out to her and be firm and assertive as to how this might be playing in your mind.

For all you know, once she hears your side of the story and she shares hers, solutions emerge from that especially when the commitment is strong.

So, have that one meaningful conversation where feelings, fears and insecurities are shared and watch how the two of you will come up with something wonderful as a solution.

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1193 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 22, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 20, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi Anu We are In a relationship for 7 years and in my family they have accepted her as she frequently visits my home and meet my family members .She was trying for the past 2 years to convince her father but now her father is not even listening about our relationship and her mother though likes me doesn’t want to go against her husband . Her father said her that he wont be the part of her marriage and her life if she marries me .As a result my lady doesn’t want to go against her parents and be with me . Though she can’t live without me but she doesn’t want to hurt her parents and for that she is ready to leave me and go as per her parents and marry someone else.she has accepted that , her life will be hell as well as the person she will be marrying .Kindly suggest me what to do coz i cant imagine my life without her .
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Sometimes the reason for someone not liking you maybe a silly one.
Maybe her father wanted to find a boy for your lady or he wanted time to get to know the person. Try and find out from her what exactly bothers her father about you or the marriage. It can be frustrating to dig into this BUT hey, do what you have to, to make the relationship work, yeah?
A humble attempt in that direction where her father can see you for who you are and understand why his daughter actually loves you might go a long way not in just his acceptance in you but also pave the way for a better connection between him and you.
And oh, ask you lady not to give up...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1193 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 08, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 05, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I wanted to get clarity on my situation. I am 24yr old and i am working person. I am loving a girl in my office since two years and she also accepted. We are from intercaste and her parents accepted. But my parents are not in a way to get convinced no matter what. They want the caste to be same also and they are completely saying that what society will tell if you are doing like this and we cant live if you do like this. But i loved the girl the most and took care of her and being with her each and every second. I dono what to do. The only idea i m having is to go away from home , do my job and be with her. Now my parents are not allowing me to go to job also instead they asked me to take wfh. Please give me some suggestions on this. Please mam. Whenever i think of her that i left her and came i m getting so much chest pain which i cant bear. please help me with this. Constraints they are saying is its intercaste and age difference as she is 3yrs elder to me. But we feel that we are more compatible and more understanding. Girls side family agreed for this as they want their daughters happiness, but from myside they are doing emotional blackmail that they cant live if i do this and all. I am in hopeless situation, please help me with some suggestions.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
At the risk of sounding judgemental, I am going to say this...you can wait a few more years to actually get married. It will offer you financial stability which can act in your favor when you actually take the news to your parents. With financial stability, comes a certain level of confidence that you can use to stand your ground and make a decision. After all, you are an adult.
Caste beliefs are very strongly etched into minds in our society and take an entire generation change to accept a person from another caste/faith/religion...
So, you can either succumb to what your parents want OR wait patiently to tell them what your decision is. But whatever it is, make sure you don't make the girl wait and them 'dump' her after a few years...that is not OKAY! Stay firm and proceed. And as for the emotional blackmail from your parents on how they will live if you do this etc, it's a very unhealthy way of holding on to what they believe and want to to be pressured by all that drama. To counter this drama, you are falling back on your financial position and the confidence that comes with it.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

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Hello, My current age is 42. Our combined post tax salary is around 6.25 lakhs. We have around 50L in mutual funds, 80L in direct stocks, 14L in gold, 30L in NPS, 31L in PPF, 21L in SSY and 2.5cr in real estate. Our current household expenses are around 1.5L per month and we are contributing 1L/month to NPS, 2L/month to SIP, 20K/month to direct stocks,1.5L/yr to PPF, I.5L/yr to SSY. We have an EMI of 50000/month for next 5 years .Our kids are 12 years and 10 years. We want a corpus of 4 cr for their higher education and of 1cr for their marriage. We are living in a company provided accommodation and plan to live in it till requirement.We want a 4L monthly pension and don't have a home right now. If we are planning to retire at 55, how should we manage our finances?
Ans: Hello;

Since NPS will be available only after you reach 60 and no info. about any rental income from real estate investment hence both are kept out of our purview.

1.Higher education goals for children typically start after 12th so we have 6 to 8 years for kid's education financial goal(4 Cr) attainment.

I have split it in two tranches:
A. 2 Cr after 6 years
B. 2 Cr after 8 years

For achieving target A following will work:
Direct stocks corpus of 80 L will grow into a sum of 1.5 Cr after 6 years. (Moderate return of 11% assumed)

PPF corpus and contributions will grow into a sum of 50 L+ after 5 years block when you may withdraw this corpus towards this goal. (6.9% return considered)

So 1.5 + 0.5=2 Cr

For fulfilling target B following will work:
MF corpus of 50 L will grow into a sum of 1.15 Cr after 8 years. (11% return considered)

50% of SSY corpus eligible for withdrawal expected to be around 27.85 L. (8% return assumed)

Direct stock monthly sip of 20 K will grow into a sum of 30.85 L in 8 years.(11% return considered)

Gold corpus of 14 L will grow into a sum of 24.05 L. (7% growth assumed)

So 1.15+27.85+30.85+24.05~~2 Cr

2. Target for Marriage of offspring:
1 Cr.
3. Retirement pension: 4 L per month
13 years from now.
Investible surplus left after all monthly investments utilized for fulfilling above targets should be immediately redirected to monthly SIPs in mutual funds. That includes 20 K direct stock sip, 12.5 K/pm SSY investment after 8 years from now and 12.5 K/pm PPF investment 5 years from now.

Also the 50 K getting free from loan EMI after 5 years should be converted into a mutual fund SIP.

After accounting for monthly expenses and monthly investments, from the balance 80 K, I would suggest you to deploy 50 K into MF sip since it will help in target achievement.

So summarily 12.5 K/8 yr, 12.5 K/5 yr, 20 K/5 yr, 50 K/8 yr and 250 K/13 yr will yield you a comprehensive corpus of 9.89 Cr. Add balance 50% SSY corpus of 27.5 L to this and your total corpus comes to 10.16 Cr. (MF returns assumed at a modest 11%)

Earmark 1 Cr for offspring wedding as envisaged.

Net retirement corpus will be 9.16 Cr. An immediate annuity at 6% will yield you a monthly income of 4.58 L from the age of 55 as planned.

You may use commutable corpus of NPS(60%) to buy your house. While NPS annuity portion(40%) may yield you a delta per month so as to have post tax income of 4 L per month.

This looks achievable because you have managed your finances and investments outstandingly well.

I discourage people to take direct stocks exposure especially when they are nearing the retirement but if you have the knowledge and temperament you may dabble into it subject to some minimum amount earmarked as risk capital.

I am sure you have adequate insurance cover for life and health.

Kudos again to your meticulous fiscal planning and execution.

Happy Investing!!

*Investments in mutual funds are subject to market risks. Please read all scheme related documents carefully before investing.

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Asked by Anonymous - Oct 10, 2024
Relationship
Hi, I am not yet mairred. I used to like a man and after a month we decided to get married. He was of my caste so I thought my parents won't deny this mairrage. I used to talk to and wanted to let him know everything about my past so that we can built a strong root of our relationship. I spoke every detail of my past life to him. Then before he proposed me for mairrage I went for a vacation with my male friend to dehradun. I didn't tell him that day as he didn't proposed me till that day then why would I tell everything about me to anyone. He was noone to me at that time. After that he came to visit me in Delhi and on the same when he was on train a friend of mine along with his fiance came to meet me after a very long time. I asked him and he didn't denied. After returning home he blocked me. I cried and cried, called multiple times but he didn't received my call. Even I went to his location and waited for almost 3 hr but he didn't came. Then I asked my sister to call him. Then he talked to me but he said me so much of harsh and vulgar words that I went in shock. I cried a lot but he went on humiliating me. But somehow I convinced him to stay with me. I never talked to that friend ever. Then I told my parents about him that I want to get married with this men. Being a girl's father my father enquired about him by being annonymous. And trust me noone has said anything good about him. Later on we get to know that his father has a murder case on him of his brother in law. But then I wanted to get married. Finally my parents agreed only for my happines. Meanwhile I was never being respected by him. He always doubt me, humiliate me, abuse me mentally and physically, and when I was like I don't want to be with you he used to say sorry and begged me to be with him. He even used to restrict to visit my uncle aunty. His mother wants used to defend him and never used to make him realise that he was wrong. Then before engagement we went to Kolkata to buy dress. Yes one more thing I have informed him on the very first day that I used to drink and smoke occassionally. So whenever he used to visit me he always wanted to drink with me whether I want it or not. He always used to abuse me and humiliate me in front of everyone after drinking, so after a period of time I used to avoid drinking. Then he used to fight with me for that also that why will you not drink. In kolkata the same thing happen. We stayed there for 3 days and he was convincing to go to club from the very first day but I refused. On 3rd he hit me. After engagement his family asked for dowry. After a lot of dealing my parents agreed for an amount. But I felt betrayed. I stopped talking. After after when I initiated the conversation he picked up a fight and said he won't marry. I tried to convince. But when everyone was blaming me then I broke my silence and said everything about him to my parent. But he manipulated everything and made me villain. My parents want me to get married as the society will insult our parents. I am getting married in November only for my parents but I have already made up my mind that I'll divorce him after 1 year of mairrage and will live my life alone. Am I thinking right? What should I do?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
No, you are not thinking right at all...This man is all RED FLAGS...
Are you actually thinking of spending one year with a person who physically abuses you? Seriously?
And then you expect him to agree to that divorce without any fuss? What world are you in? No compromises on your life please...
Be wise and protect yourself...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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