Hi Anu, I am 36 year old woman. I am married for 9 years with two kids. My marriage was never a happy one. We had lots of arguments and fights even before marriage. I broke my engagement but later he convinced me that he will always keep me happy but it turned out to be an abusive marriage. He started beating me every now and then after my son was born. I also filed police complaint thrice. After which he improved a lot may be because of fear and shame. Meanwhile I also cracked government exam and got a very good job. Things were okay but after my daughter's birth last year his behaviour changed. He is not interested in physical relationship any more. He says that after our daughter's birth he's started to respect women. I tried to talk to him many times but all in vain. I don't know what to do now. I don't want to leave him for the sake of children.Now I want to live my life happily with my children and let him do whatever he wants. I don't know if I am right or wrong.He takes money from me whenever required but never spends money on my personal needs. Sometimes I feel he is with me only for money and doesn't love me. I am confused. Help.PS: He is taking good care of children and household.
Ans: Dear SS,
It is hard to walk out of an abusive relationship and when children are involved, you want to stretch it on longer.
But have you considered how this has already affected their minds?
Children from violent and abusive backgrounds do not grow up steady and face a lot of challenges later in life.
Now, coming back to you…Hasn’t it hurt your ego and pulled down your self-esteem? I am sure it already has hurt you beyond and more.
Usually, I never ever tell people what to do, but make my suggestions and share perspectives so that the mind has clarity to decide what’s best for them in their context.
But here, I am telling you this and listen hard…Physical abuse is a NO NO.
If what you say that his behaviour has changed, then I believe that he isn’t physically abusive anymore.
I do understand you are giving him the long rope for the sake of the children, but when the parents are unhappy, what environment will the children grow in?
Ask your family to step in as you are going to need their care and support hereon.
Take one day at a time and evaluate on a daily basis what his presence in your life is doing to you.
Is it draining you and keeping you on the edge or is it getting better with him improving?
This will clearly indicate what you need to be doing as the next step.
Just remember to value yourself every moment and make yourself your own priority first.
All the best!