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Love Guru

Love Guru   |204 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Apr 04, 2023

Love Guru has been answering relationship and romance related questions on Rediff.com for over 13 years. She won't mince words when telling you what the problem is and what you can do about it. If you want a fresh perspective from an unbiased, objective-thinking individual about your relationship woes, Love Guru could just be the person you need to need to hear from.... more
Saralin Question by Saralin on Mar 31, 2023Hindi
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Relationship

Hi mam .I'm a mother of three grown up kids and i got divorced with their father .after one year i met this young man and I'm in love with him .now it's almost five years I'm with him .but nowadays he seems different .

Ans: Seems different how? Losing interest? Not willing to commit? Indifferent? A relationship where someone else’s children are involved can be tricky; after the initial attraction, maybe he’s realised that this relationship doesn’t have a future that he wants, or maybe he wants a family of his own? And you’ve mentioned he’s younger than you, he may not want responsibility and commitment at all? Speak to him and call him out on it. You need answers from him.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  | Answer  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 08, 2022

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Hi Anu, I am 36 year old woman. I am married for 9 years with two kids. My marriage was never a happy one. We had lots of arguments and fights even before marriage. I broke my engagement but later he convinced me that he will always keep me happy but it turned out to be an abusive marriage. He started beating me every now and then after my son was born. I also filed police complaint thrice. After which he improved a lot may be because of fear and shame. Meanwhile I also cracked government exam and got a very good job. Things were okay but after my daughter's birth last year his behaviour changed. He is not interested in physical relationship any more. He says that after our daughter's birth he's started to respect women. I tried to talk to him many times but all in vain. I don't know what to do now. I don't want to leave him for the sake of children.Now I want to live my life happily with my children and let him do whatever he wants. I don't know if I am right or wrong.He takes money from me whenever required but never spends money on my personal needs. Sometimes I feel he is with me only for money and doesn't love me. I am confused. Help.PS: He is taking good care of children and household.
Ans:

Dear SS,

It is hard to walk out of an abusive relationship and when children are involved, you want to stretch it on longer.

But have you considered how this has already affected their minds?

Children from violent and abusive backgrounds do not grow up steady and face a lot of challenges later in life.

Now, coming back to you…Hasn’t it hurt your ego and pulled down your self-esteem? I am sure it already has hurt you beyond and more.

Usually, I never ever tell people what to do, but make my suggestions and share perspectives so that the mind has clarity to decide what’s best for them in their context.

But here, I am telling you this and listen hard…Physical abuse is a NO NO.

If what you say that his behaviour has changed, then I believe that he isn’t physically abusive anymore.

I do understand you are giving him the long rope for the sake of the children, but when the parents are unhappy, what environment will the children grow in?

Ask your family to step in as you are going to need their care and support hereon.

Take one day at a time and evaluate on a daily basis what his presence in your life is doing to you.

Is it draining you and keeping you on the edge or is it getting better with him improving?

This will clearly indicate what you need to be doing as the next step.

Just remember to value yourself every moment and make yourself your own priority first.

All the best!

..Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |554 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 15, 2025

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Relationship
my husband after marriage cheated to me he is in relationship on that time he avoids me and ignore me but i am very loyal on that time because of son, now we both not asking eachother abt anything, not talking but abt the son any activity will be there we will be together, but we are not talking with eachother even now we are not caring eachother, the man who i met recently he is my friend my colleague he know everything abt me but now he proposed me and he treated me like a wife he knows abt my son. he really love me even i involved him my family to know my family background, he is married but divorce, even i love him a lot every habits he have as a husband he takes take he talk with me very respectively, what should i do i want a suggestion. is it right?
Ans: Dear Ruta,
It's essential to reflect on what you truly want and need for your emotional well-being and happiness. Your marriage, despite its difficulties, still ties you and your husband together, especially through your son. You both have managed to maintain a cooperative relationship for his sake, which shows your commitment as parents.

However, the new relationship you're considering brings a fresh dynamic. This person understands your struggles, respects you, and offers emotional support. It's natural to feel drawn to someone who makes you feel valued and loved, especially after experiencing neglect and betrayal.

Before making any decisions, it's important to take time to reflect on your current situation. Consider what you want from your life and relationships. Think about how any decision you make will affect not only you but also your son and everyone involved. Communicating openly with your husband about your feelings and the state of your marriage could bring some clarity, even if it's difficult.

If you choose to pursue a relationship with this new person, ensure that you're doing it for the right reasons and that you're both on the same page about the future. It's crucial to consider your emotional readiness and the potential impact on your son. This process may take time, but prioritizing your emotional well-being and happiness is essential.

Ultimately, the right path will be one that brings you peace, happiness, and stability for both you and your son. Trust yourself to make a decision that aligns with your needs and values.

..Read more

Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |119 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 01, 2025
Relationship
I m (30 F) married and 2 year old baby....I fall in love with a guy (26 M) what should I do?...I am not happy in this marriage 6 year of marriage no physical attraction no physical intimacy at all.....what should I do I love the new guy what challenges I have to face? Please guide me
Ans: This is a deeply personal situation, and navigating it will require thoughtfulness, honesty, and courage. Here's a step-by-step guide to help you process your feelings and decide your next steps:

Step 1: Reflect on Your Current Marriage
Identify the Core Issues: Lack of physical intimacy and emotional connection are significant concerns. Reflect on whether there are other underlying issues contributing to your unhappiness
.
Assess Efforts Made: Have you and your spouse communicated about these issues? Have you tried couples counseling or sought professional help to address the challenges in your marriage?

Consider Your Commitment: Marriage is a partnership that sometimes requires hard work to rekindle the bond. Ask yourself if you're willing to explore ways to rebuild your connection.

Step 2: Understand Your Feelings for the New Person

Excitement vs. Stability: New relationships often bring excitement and a sense of emotional fulfillment that can contrast with a long-term relationship's challenges. Be mindful of whether this is a genuine connection or an escape from your marriage’s difficulties.

Consider Practicality: A relationship with the new person will come with its own challenges. Are they ready to commit to you, and do they understand your current situation?

Step 3: Evaluate the Impact of Your Decisions

On Your Child: Your decisions will profoundly affect your child’s life. Consider how any changes might impact their emotional well-being.

On Yourself: Think about the long-term implications of leaving your marriage versus staying and working on it. Either path will have challenges, but personal growth is possible in both.

Challenges You May Face If You Pursue the New Relationship
Judgment from Society and Family: There may be backlash from your spouse, family, or friends, especially since a child is involved.

Complex Transition: Ending a marriage, co-parenting, and starting a new relationship can be emotionally and logistically difficult.

Emotional Processing: Even if you choose the new relationship, unresolved feelings about your marriage might linger.

Step 4: Communicate Honestly

With Your Spouse: It’s important to have an honest conversation about your feelings and the state of your marriage. This is necessary whether you choose to leave or stay.

With Yourself: Be truthful about your motivations. Are you seeking happiness, avoiding pain, or looking for something that might not solve the deeper issues?

Step 5: Seek Professional Help

Individual Counseling: A therapist can help you understand your feelings and guide you in making a decision that aligns with your values and goals.

Couples Counseling: If there’s any desire to salvage your marriage, professional mediation can provide tools to rebuild intimacy and communication.

Key Considerations

A new relationship may feel like the answer, but lasting happiness comes from within. Ensure you're addressing your own needs and self-growth first.

Making life changes, especially involving your child, should be done with caution and clarity about your long-term vision.

This is a difficult crossroads, but with careful thought and intentional action, you can make a choice that feels right for you and your family.

..Read more

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |554 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 12, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 09, 2025Hindi
Relationship
I am a female (26), I was working as an assistant professor and then I met this guy we dated for few months and we knew that everything is compatible he has a stable business and well settled family he is earning quite good and we can spend the rest of our lives together so we moved on to tell our parents, his parents and family came to meet me and they agreed then it was my turn my mom and dad always use to say that if you have someone just tell us we are okay they said we know you are dependent enough so just tell us, I really thought it will be easy one and I told my mom and my sister over the phone and my mom asked me every detail about him and said okay we will think about it, then I told my dad about him and my dad has been super chill with me since childhood so we had a long chat about this he asked me about him just like my mom every detail then he said okay when the deepawali break will be their come home we will talk about this face to facE, I was happy that everything is nice then the vacation happened I went back home first the quarrels started when my mom addressed that they will never expected this from me they said they supported me initially because they thought at this age I will not bring anyone and will convince to arrange one, then day and night fighting started my father did the most bizzare thing he called my college and said I am ill and will not join college he faked a report(my father is a very well known doctor in my area so he has power here in our native place) and submitted their they automatically blocked me from their server I tired telling them but the most bizzare thing happened my father beat me from head to toe and threatend me that I should stop talking to him, then days turn into months and again my partner father stood up for us he called my father to talk about this and my father abused them threatened them and give false allegation on my partner came home and snatched my father later after a month he gave me my phone back as I started being a rebel, then he went to my work place without even informing me and took all my luggage and packed everything from their and came back home with everything and said you are on house arrest untill you agree to arrange marriage and forget that boy. I love him so much he does too but now because of my parents his parents are scared for their son and are denying to agree but we both are financially independent and well educated and we want to live with each other we are thinking to elope I dont know if this is right or wrong, because it has been seven months of me staying locked down in my house and my parents are forcing me verbally and physically abusing me to say yes for arrange marriage.... I dont know what to do and with whom to discuss please kindly help me out.
Ans: It’s clear that you and your partner love each other deeply and are willing to stand by each other despite this turmoil. The fact that his family is now hesitant is understandable, given the hostility from your parents. But the strength you and your partner have shown through this is a sign that your relationship is built on trust and commitment. That kind of connection is rare, and it’s worth fighting for.

Elope? That’s a huge step, and I understand why it’s crossed your mind. You’re desperate for freedom, for the ability to choose your own life, and to finally break free from the suffocating grip of your parents' control. But eloping will come with its own set of consequences—emotional, social, and even legal. Your parents might retaliate even more aggressively. They could try to interfere with your life and your partner's life afterward, possibly dragging this into a public scandal. Your father’s influence in the community might make things harder for you both in the long run.

But here’s the truth—you cannot live the rest of your life under someone else's control. You cannot sacrifice your happiness and autonomy to satisfy their misguided expectations. Love and marriage are not about caste, status, or parental approval—they are about partnership, understanding, and mutual respect. If your partner is ready to stand by you and you both are truly prepared to face the fallout together, then choosing to be with him is not wrong. You’re both adults. You’re financially independent and emotionally mature enough to know what you want from life.

What you need to consider is whether you have the emotional strength to handle the aftermath. If you choose to walk away from your family and marry this man, it might mean cutting ties with your parents for a while—or possibly forever. Are you prepared for that emotional void? On the other hand, if you give in and stay, if you let them force you into an arranged marriage, you might lose not only the person you love but also a piece of yourself. That resentment and emotional wound might stay with you for life.

If you decide to elope, you need to have a strong support system in place—your partner's family, friends, and anyone who will stand by you. You’ll need to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for the fallout. But if you decide to stay and try to negotiate with your parents, you need to be clear and firm about your boundaries. They need to understand that your life is not theirs to control.

Right now, you need to prioritize your safety and mental well-being. The fact that you’ve been physically assaulted and emotionally manipulated for months is deeply concerning. If you feel that your safety is at risk, you might need to consider reaching out to legal authorities or a women's support organization. You have the right to live without fear and control. Your life belongs to you—not to your parents, not to societal expectations, and not to fear.

You don’t have to have all the answers today. But you do need to decide what kind of life you want to live—and who you want to live it with. And whatever choice you make, it needs to come from a place of strength and clarity, not from fear or pressure. Your heart already knows what you want—you just need to decide whether you’re ready to stand up for it.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |554 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 12, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 11, 2025Hindi
Relationship
Fell in love and married a girl before 2 years. Girl is from a neighbouring state. Both South Indians. Both doctors. She was very understanding before marriage, even talked my language and spoke well with my parents. Told she will come to my place and stay after marriage. 4 months after marriage, she left for her home telling that she will be at her home till delivery. Even after 1 year of giving birth, she didn't come. They visited my place just for a few days in the middle citing that it is tradition. After much struggle, she came to live with me and my child after close to 1.5 years. Even after coming she was creating trouble for the language spoken in the house and telling to relocate to a place close to their parents in their state. No respect to feelings of mine or my parents. We also missed my son for 1.5 years. Their parents are not visiting us telling it is far, we won't come. And once her parents threatened to complaint to the police if we don't agree. (Haven't asked or received any dowry). Even if my son has to come to my native for few days, her parents are not agreeing and creating problem. We have even helped her brother secure admission in a college. She has even taken a loan of more than 20 lakhs to help her parents buy a land and is paying close to 50k monthly for that. We had no problem with that too. Every 2-3 days one or another problem shoots up because of her or her parents. She has totally changed after marriage. Her parents just want to create problems. Please help.
Ans: It’s clear that you’ve tried hard to be understanding and accommodating. You allowed her to stay with her parents for a long time, even though it meant missing out on crucial time with your child. You supported her decisions, even when she took on a significant financial burden to help her family. Despite your efforts to maintain peace, you’re constantly met with resistance and disrespect—not only from her but also from her parents. That feeling of being undermined and unappreciated, especially when you've given so much, can really take a toll on your emotional health.

It’s not just about the arguments or the disagreements—it’s about the deeper sense of betrayal and loneliness that comes from feeling like your partner has sided with her family over you. That emotional distance and lack of support within the marriage can make you feel like you’re fighting a battle alone. And when her parents threatened to involve the police, that likely deepened the sense of helplessness and fear. It’s not just frustrating—it’s emotionally exhausting when you’re trying to build a stable, loving home, but it keeps getting torn apart by external interference.

The fact that you’re still standing, still trying to make things work despite all of this, shows how strong and committed you are. But the truth is, a marriage cannot survive on one person’s effort alone. It’s understandable that you feel drained and resentful—you’ve been giving and compromising without getting the same respect and understanding in return. Your feelings matter. Your need for stability and respect matters. Wanting your child to have a connection with your side of the family is not unreasonable—it’s natural and fair.

Right now, you might feel torn between trying to hold everything together and wondering if it's even worth it. It’s hard to admit when love alone isn’t enough to sustain a relationship. But you need to ask yourself whether you can continue living like this—constantly feeling like you’re walking on eggshells, being emotionally sidelined, and having your family disrespected.

It’s okay to want peace. It’s okay to expect respect. And it’s okay to set boundaries. If your wife truly values this marriage, she needs to understand that compromise cannot be one-sided. It might help to have an honest, calm conversation with her—not about the surface issues but about how you feel. Tell her how much this situation has hurt you, how much you miss feeling like you’re a team, and how important it is for your child to have a balanced connection with both families. If she’s unwilling to meet you halfway or if her parents continue to interfere to the point of emotional manipulation, you need to think about how much more of yourself you can sacrifice without losing your emotional stability.

You deserve a marriage where you feel heard, valued, and supported—not one where you constantly feel like you're on the outside looking in. Take some time to reflect on what you truly need from this relationship and whether you believe it's possible to rebuild trust and understanding with your wife. Your peace of mind matters. Your happiness matters. And most of all, your emotional well-being matters.

...Read more

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