Dear Love Guru
My husband and I are fighting a lot these days.
He keeps saying I am not marriage material.
When I ask him what a marriage material wife is, he says someone who put the family and him first.
I am a housewife. I look after the house, my children, my husband, my in-laws, who are old. There is just so much I can do and I do my best. My mother-in-law is always complaining about me and my husband insults me in front of the children. I am afraid of what my son and daughter are learning when they see us. I tell him this and that we should always talk in the bedroom but he does not see anything wrong.
I am tired of hearing this marriage material thing all the time. How, suddenly, after 15 years, I am not marriage material?
Our sex life is not good. I am tired and he is not interested.
Please help. I don’t want my marriage to break.

Dear SG,

This seems to be a classic case of two opposites in a relationship which is most often the truth. Sometimes it’s a little extreme like in your case.

But even relationships like these can be managed very beautifully.

You can start by

• Listing down the commonalities between the two of you
• Developing a new hobby together
• Appreciating and celebrating your differences
• Being in a space of gratitude for the silent care and love that he offers

Once he knows that you are making that effort without accusing him or making him feel inadequate, talk to him about what your feelings are how every once in a while, you can be pampered and cared for.

Show him rather than complain. Some men do find it rather difficult to express their love and being very demonstrative.

It’s just a different approach to what you want; when all else fails, you need to try something new to reach your outcome…that’s all….

Most importantly, keep playing in your mind, all the wonderful things that you have shared up until now.

What you choose to focus, grows in the mind…so, focus on what you have, guide him towards what you want and always be in gratitude.

I wish you the most beautiful journey ahead.

Dear RJ,

Is there any reason for not wanting to be sexually intimate?

Most often this is linked to some emotional distress or filters in the mind that you are unaware of and which could be interfering in the two of you coming closer together.

A good round of talks with your partner can help you express your exact feelings to him.

What is bothering you, what you feel you don’t receive from him, why is it that you are unable to reciprocate…these are a few things that you can discuss with him.

Also, spending quality time together can ease and spruce up things a bit.

Most often, we love throwing our feelings under the rug pretending that they will go away; but they don’t, they come back to haunt you at times that you least expect them to.

So, when you feel stuck, think of what you can do to get un-stuck? What are all things that you can think, feel and do to free yourself so that you not only feel good, but you also start to focus on things that matter; like for example your career.

Comparing one human to the another and expecting them to change and be someone else; could this be one of the reasons for you to not want the sexual intimacy?

Sex is one of the dimensions in a marriage and it can bring the couple closer.

So rather than thinking of what is going wrong, focus on how you can make things work and enable your partner to join this journey of bringing back finer and joyful moments in a marriage.

Be happy!

He absolutely has no right to body shame you and make it a topic of jest.

The nest time, he calls you a spoilsport, please feel free to comment on his looks, his accent, his performance behind close doors and watch what his reaction is.

Sadly, his male ego will be hurt; at least it will give him an idea as to what he has been you through.

Communication as I mention must be firm and assertive; it must convey exactly what you want rather than what you don’t want.

And as far as it goes for you in-laws, ignore their childish behaviour towards you…honestly you cannot control anyone’s thoughts or actions and they are free to do as they please. But what gives them fuel is that you are provoked and hurt.

Is it possible to be unaffected by what people say of you and about you?

Yes, when you own your body image and are unapologetic about it!

Your body, your way…as simple as that and anyone has a problem with that, then it’s their problem!

Be at a lot of peace and act wisely!

Too much mixing of thoughts and opinions that at times you feel that your thoughts are never valued.

Either, you ease into this and know that this will be your world; which means you start to ‘try’ to become happy which can be stressful.

If this is impossible and you want to change it, then STEP UP for yourself and for your son.

No arguments, no fights, but firmly asserting what you want.

Be kind always no matter what because your husband is just in the midst of his family and the family system that he has been raised with, your protests don’t matter much.

Making your point known doesn't need fights, but reiterating what you want and that your thoughts must be respected.

It’s possible that over a few weeks, this new calm behavior of yours might bring some change in your husband and he may start hearing and listening to what you have to say.

If that doesn’t work, yes you may have to take the help of a professional who will put you two together in a place and become a good third person who will facilitate the communication.

Whatever it is, be kind and calm and I am sure you are…it helps in ‘breaking down’ the stubbornness in other people and they maybe willing to calm down as well.

Be at peace.