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Relationships Expert - Answered on Apr 07, 2022

Love Guru has been answering relationship and romance related questions on Rediff.com for over 13 years. She won't mince words when telling you what the problem is and what you can do about it. If you want a fresh perspective from an unbiased, objective-thinking individual about your relationship woes, Love Guru could just be the person you need to need to hear from.... more

Question by Anonymous on Apr 07, 2022Hindi

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Dear Love Guru
My husband and I are fighting a lot these days.
He keeps saying I am not marriage material.
When I ask him what a marriage material wife is, he says someone who put the family and him first.
I am a housewife. I look after the house, my children, my husband, my in-laws, who are old. There is just so much I can do and I do my best. My mother-in-law is always complaining about me and my husband insults me in front of the children. I am afraid of what my son and daughter are learning when they see us. I tell him this and that we should always talk in the bedroom but he does not see anything wrong.
I am tired of hearing this marriage material thing all the time. How, suddenly, after 15 years, I am not marriage material?
Our sex life is not good. I am tired and he is not interested.
Please help. I don’t want my marriage to break.

Ans:

He sounds like a real piece of work. And he has some audacity saying you’re ‘not marriage material’. What the hell is ‘marriage material’ anyway?

Sounds like there’s a lot on your plate and he’s taking advantage of you.

Visit a marriage counsellor ASAP; this idiot needs to be told by a qualified professional that he’s ‘not husband material’.

And, as a side note, living with the in-laws is almost always cause for further friction within a marriage.

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 24, 2022

Question by RJ - Jun 24, 2022Hindi

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Hi Anu,I m 32 yr old girl and been married in arrange marriage with a guy he is also 32 it's been one year.He is very harsh to talk to and I get usually very hurt because of his words. I always feel like walking out of this marriage for peace. He is very unromantic and ungrateful. On top of this our views on marriage, togetherness and sex are very different. I never had sex with him till now. And I don't feel like having sex with him. There are many fights between us. The way his mother and father talk I feel stuck in my life.There is no progress in career because constantly we are under tensions. My past relationships were very nice and sweet so I always happened to compare him with my ex in my mind. I don't know what happens to me. When he comes close to me I stop talking breaths. We just cuddle each other and hug but other things like kiss and sex I don't feel to have. Please guide me as soon as possible.

Ans:

Dear RJ,

Is there any reason for not wanting to be sexually intimate?

Most often this is linked to some emotional distress or filters in the mind that you are unaware of and which could be interfering in the two of you coming closer together.

A good round of talks with your partner can help you express your exact feelings to him.

What is bothering you, what you feel you don’t receive from him, why is it that you are unable to reciprocate…these are a few things that you can discuss with him.

Also, spending quality time together can ease and spruce up things a bit.

Most often, we love throwing our feelings under the rug pretending that they will go away; but they don’t, they come back to haunt you at times that you least expect them to.

So, when you feel stuck, think of what you can do to get un-stuck? What are all things that you can think, feel and do to free yourself so that you not only feel good, but you also start to focus on things that matter; like for example your career.

Comparing one human to the another and expecting them to change and be someone else; could this be one of the reasons for you to not want the sexual intimacy?

Sex is one of the dimensions in a marriage and it can bring the couple closer.

So rather than thinking of what is going wrong, focus on how you can make things work and enable your partner to join this journey of bringing back finer and joyful moments in a marriage.

Be happy!

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Anu Krishna |1639 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 14, 2021

Question by SK - Oct 14, 2021Hindi

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Anu Mam, in your video you mentioned about healthy communication. I have tried many times to initiate communication with my husband but he is very biased. He shuts me down immediately in front of his parents and friends. It’s very embarrassing when he does that in front of people we know. He likes to dominate and make fun of me which everyone else seems to enjoy but I don’t. If I tell him that he feels I am being a spoilsport. He says I have put on weight and look fat after marriage and I don’t have a job that’s why I am getting all these negative thoughts. My mother in law also never supports me. She doesn’t tell if her son does something wrong. If I make one mistake she will blow it out of proportion and discuss in front of everyone. That becomes another topic for argument. All this is making me very annoyed and affecting our marriage now. We don’t have a child yet but we are already fighting every day. Please help. I just want to start a happy relationship. But I don’t know how to do it.

Ans: Dear SK, commenting on your body image honestly is no one’s business and by no one I also mean your husband.

He absolutely has no right to body shame you and make it a topic of jest.

The nest time, he calls you a spoilsport, please feel free to comment on his looks, his accent, his performance behind close doors and watch what his reaction is.

Sadly, his male ego will be hurt; at least it will give him an idea as to what he has been you through.

Communication as I mention must be firm and assertive; it must convey exactly what you want rather than what you don’t want.

And as far as it goes for you in-laws, ignore their childish behaviour towards you…honestly you cannot control anyone’s thoughts or actions and they are free to do as they please. But what gives them fuel is that you are provoked and hurt.

Is it possible to be unaffected by what people say of you and about you?

Yes, when you own your body image and are unapologetic about it!

Your body, your way…as simple as that and anyone has a problem with that, then it’s their problem!

Be at a lot of peace and act wisely!

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