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Love Guru

Love Guru   |187 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Jun 30, 2023

Love Guru has been answering relationship and romance related questions on Rediff.com for over 13 years. She won't mince words when telling you what the problem is and what you can do about it. If you want a fresh perspective from an unbiased, objective-thinking individual about your relationship woes, Love Guru could just be the person you need to need to hear from.... more
Asked by Anonymous - May 22, 2023Hindi
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Hi Love Guru, I am married now for 4 years and having a 15 months little daughter. My wife is very reluctant for physical relationship after birth of our daughter. In fact, we had last sex an year ago. Do you think this is due to parenting issues or has she lost interest in me or interest in sex altogether?

Ans: After the birth of a child, sex does tend to take a backseat for awhile with many couples, particularly as the woman is coping with changes to her body, adjusting to motherhood etc. It could be that your wife is self-conscious about her postpartum body as well. Or she may just be exhausted from parenting and looking after the little one all the time. You need to have an honest conversation with her, tell her you miss the physical intimacy and make her feel desirable. See what she has to say to you and take it from there. The reason why she’s avoiding sex needs to be discovered and addressed.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1054 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 15, 2021

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Hi Anu,I am a regular rediff news reader.I went through some of you post and I felt I can surely request you to help me in my situation.We are married since February 2017. We had a pretty good life in terms of physical and emotional as well.In Dec 2018 we had a child but after that there is a change in my wife's sexual behaviour.She is willing to have sex; we do get involved as well also. We become passionate in kissing and all but unfortunately she doesn't get wet.It's very difficult for me to keep my focus and I lose my erection.Just want to ask you is this because of change in hormonal issue due to birth of child or is this something we need to seek a professional to help us.She is really loving, caring and even she is disappointed with this.We even had a conversation over this. I asked her if she is no more interested in sex or if she doesn't find (me) attractive. Her answer was 'nothing like that'. She is very happy with me as a husband.
Ans: Dear A, being a mother is a big blessing for a woman.

She transitions into a beautiful phase of her life. But with this comes the responsibility of caring for a new-born or in your case a toddle round the clock.

She hardly has the time to focus on being a wife with the constant feeding and changing of nappies.

Added to that is she’s working, then there’s additional office work besides also taking care of the household chores.

Also, a woman goes through a lot of changes in her body after the delivery and for a few women sex is off the cards for a while after that.

This could be because some women feel that their body is not what their husbands will love anymore and also her focus has shifted on to her baby who needs her love, care and support 24/7.

There is a bond between the mother and the child that at times can irk a few husbands who can translate that as feeling ignored and angry.

This is the time the new father can also spring into action and come together for his lady and his child.

Support your wife unconditionally and love her without any expectations in return

Offer to care for the baby so that she can take some time-off to rejuvenate herself

Encourage her to indulge in a hobby that she might have stopped because of the baby; this will help her be in a happy space

Compliment her and engage in a little off-the-bedroom intimacy like hugging, kissing and holding hands

Watch movies together and do a couple of things that bonded you as a couple before the baby arrived

Smile at her warmly and reassure her that no matter what nothing has changed and that she is still the woman that you loved and married

Does this work? Yes, it does…Love and reassurance can cause a lot of calmness in her and arouse her better in bed.

And if there’s something still amiss, then maybe you could talk to a gynecologist who can guide both of you on the next steps and rule out any medical challenges. All is well.

Simply be in Love. Wishing you and your family a beautiful life!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1054 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 28, 2023

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Been married for close to 8 years. Had our first princess in 2015 & second princess in 2019. Before having the second one, my wife had a very good sex drive both mentally & physically. We were having intercourse for at least 3 times a week. But over a period of course 3 years into post our second child being born, my wife has lost interest. Sex has been like may be once in 30 to 45 days. I am not forcing her but rather trying my best to have those Intimate moments like hugging tightly, kissing her, do a little bit of smooching, try to touch and kiss on sensitive areas like belly, feet, ear......but nothing is working and this desperacy is killing me inside. Need your advise on this....
Ans: Dear Chandra,
This is so common especially in nuclear families where the responsibility of managing the home and children falls on the woman. This can be tiring at the end of the day and sex maybe the last thing on her mind.
Also, many women lose their sex drive owing to their self-image (how they look at themselves).

Intimate moments outside of the bedroom can help and that's not smooching and touching etc. Intimacy can be created by making her feel good about herself too.
1. Compliment her a lot
2. Appreciate her efforts at making the home and caring for the children
3. Enable her to take time off over the weekends where she can step out with her friends
4. Cook her a meal
Getting the drift?
Treat her like a beautiful woman outside the bedroom and that is intimacy enough. Let her have her space to feel pampered and loved. And this might change a lot inside the bedroom.

And please, don't put timelines on sex; it's not a goal to be reached; instead enjoy the little moments of creating togetherness. Focus on the journey.

All the best!

..Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |294 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 02, 2023

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Hello Kanchan I'm 43 & my wife is 39. We have known each other for almost 25 yrs now (8 yrs before marriage and 17yrs of married life). We had our ups and downs in our relationship. But somehow we stayed together. We have a daughter who is 8. I've been working abroad for 4yrs and I used to come only once in a year to see my family. Now I'm back and doing a full time job. My wife works from home as a freelancer. I've observed that, after I returned, my wife has lost interest in me. She's also not interested at all in physical relationship. It is really very irritating as I am a romantic person. She simply says she doesn't feel like having intercourse. She does love me but what's the solution? How do I satisfy my feelings? She agrees to have intercourse so that I don't feel bad. But it is not satisfying! How do I tackle this situation?
Ans: Hello Keshav

It sounds like you're going through a tough time in your relationship. It's important to approach this situation with empathy and understanding towards your wife's perspective. It could be that she's going through her own challenges that are affecting her desire for physical intimacy. It could also be that the dynamic of your relationship has shifted with your return, and you both need to find a new balance.

The first step is to have an open and honest conversation with your wife about your feelings and concerns. Listen to her perspective and try to understand what might be causing her lack of interest in physical intimacy. It's important to approach this conversation without judgment or blame.

If there are underlying issues that need to be addressed, it might be helpful to seek the support of a couples therapist or counselor. They can help you both work through any challenges and find ways to improve your intimacy and connection.

In the meantime, it's important to focus on building emotional intimacy in your relationship. This can be done through spending quality time together, having meaningful conversations, and expressing appreciation and gratitude for each other. This may help to improve your physical intimacy over time.

Remember, every relationship has its ups and downs, but with effort and communication, you can work through challenges and strengthen your connection with your partner.

..Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |294 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 31, 2023

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Mam, i am 46 years old, with two lovely daughters age 20 and 18 , for the last 2 years my wife has lost interest in sex, and she avoids it, we have no other issues , i am not able to understand what in her mind, tried to ask but to no avail, rest everything is fine at home, kindly advise
Ans: I understand that this can be a sensitive and challenging situation for you. Loss of interest in sex can be influenced by a variety of factors, and it's important to approach the issue with empathy and open communication. Here are some steps you can consider:

Open Communication: Try to have an open and non-confrontational conversation with your wife. Choose a time when you both can talk calmly and privately. Express your concerns and let her know that you want to understand what she's going through.
Listen Actively: Encourage her to share her feelings and thoughts. Listen without judgment and be empathetic to her perspective. Sometimes, there may be underlying emotional or psychological issues that need to be addressed.
Rule Out Medical Issues: Loss of interest in sex can be caused by medical factors such as hormonal changes, medication side effects, or health issues. Encourage her to see a healthcare professional to rule out any physical causes.
Consider Counseling: If the issue is more complex and related to emotional or psychological factors, you might want to suggest couples counseling or therapy. A trained therapist can help both of you explore the underlying issues and work on solutions.
Respect Boundaries: It's important to respect her boundaries and not pressure her into anything she's not comfortable with. Pressure can often exacerbate the issue.
Maintain Intimacy: While addressing the issue, it's important to maintain emotional intimacy and closeness in your relationship. This can involve non-sexual affection and activities that promote bonding.
Self-Care: Ensure that both you and your wife are taking care of your physical and emotional well-being. Reducing stress, eating healthily, and exercising can have a positive impact on overall well-being and can indirectly affect the sexual aspect of your relationship.
Seek Professional Help: If your wife is unwilling to discuss the issue or if it persists without a clear resolution, it may be helpful for both of you to seek the guidance of a qualified therapist or counselor individually.
Patience and Understanding: Understand that issues related to sexual desire and intimacy can be complex and may take time to resolve. Be patient with the process and with each other.
It's important to remember that every individual's desires and feelings can change over time, and open communication and understanding are key to addressing these changes in a relationship. Seek professional help if necessary, as a therapist can provide guidance and strategies tailored to your specific situation.

..Read more

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