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Anu Krishna  |957 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 02, 2023

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Aug 31, 2023Hindi
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Dear Sir/Madam, I've been into homosex since childhood (not sure at what age). After I got married, I realized that I'm a gay so not interested in women. Fortunately, I have a 3 yrs old kid but I'm not giving the happiness to my wife which she deserves. Now neither I can't come out to my family as gay nor I can fulfill my wife's needs which totally unfair. I'm in a guilt and deep depression thinking of this every day. I still keep meeting guys secretly even after know that it is not right and even though I wish but I cannot tell my wife to find someone else or divorce. I sometimes even feel like to commit suicide but again I'm literally worried about my kid who has a bright future.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
You are possibly one of many who haven't had a fair chance to 'come out' due to the taboo that still exists on 'other' sexual orientations.
But now, here there's a wife and child...Don't they deserve to know the truth?
Yes, but will your wife be able to handle the truth?
The more you keep it within you and lead this double life, the more it's going to eat you up.

2 choices; make one...
1. Continue the way that you have been doing; but know that it's going to stress you to a great level leading two lives in parallel
2. Speak your truth; but know that you do risk losing what you have now

You have to make a choice and stick with it...both have their massive downsides but at least you know you have chosen one way. But at no point oscillate; that will tear you apart.
You know your situation and the emotions of your dear ones; take a call and step up to it!

(SUICIDE IS NOT AN OPTION; BUT MAKING A CHOICE IS AN OPTION!) You deserve a lot of kindness; so give it to yourself...

All the best!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |957 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 27, 2021

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For many years I was in love with my best friend who I thought wasn’t interested in me. I did not pursue her when I should have because I cared for our friendship. After I got married I was never really happy nor could I forget her. I even told my wife about the girl I loved. She was okay about it because we both felt it was one sided. Recently I discovered that she loved me all these years but both of us never had the courage to take it further. When we got together, we realized how much we missed each other all these years. Neither of us are happy in our marriage and this news has really disturbed me. I feel emotionally and physically distanced from my wife and I feel guilty about it because she is not at fault. I have a son and I am not in a position to abandon him or my wife. But I am not able to sleep or stop thinking about starting a perfect life with her. I have a stable career but now I am not able to focus on anything. Anu mam, please guide me how to find a solution for both of us.
Ans: Dear B, Catch -22 situation indeed here.

Let’s draw out the perspectives here.

Both of you are married and when you had the chance, you didn’t tell each other.

Now, you have discovered that ‘missed out’ moment and want to make up for it now when families have grown.

How would you advise a friend, if he came to you with this situation?

Would you ask him to leave his family and move in with his lady love? Would you ask him to forget his familial responsibilities and search for love outside?

Again, it is not for me to give you solutions but to lead you to a place where you can find the solution yourself.

So, now that you friend has moved in with his lady love, will he forget his family?

His son for who he will always be a role model? Also, what will he tell his wife who had no role to play into the storm in her life?

The key is that there are 4 mature adults and I guess it’s time for you and the lady that you love to sit down and discuss what happens if you continue in your marriages or move away.

Discuss with your respective spouses as well, as they need to be party to this so that their thoughts and feelings are taken into consideration.

After all, they came into your lives, to become life partners. Whatever the decision, always bear in mind, if you continue in your marriage, do it with full heart as you need to rebuild it and if you move away, your son and his state of mind must be cared for, so make sure you create a wonderful environment for them and care for their needs always.

Also, ask yourself this: What will I lose if I move away from my marriage? What is it that I truly love in my wife?

Life is filled with temptations and sometimes we want some change, some spark…it’s possible in the existing relationship only if you choose to look at it that way. Ultimately, the decision is yours, but there’s a lot to consider and reconsider.

Go deep into a reflective mode and choose.

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |957 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 27, 2020

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Hello Anu, I am 48, male. I married in 2007 and we were blessed with a daughter in 2015. Ever since we were pregnant, I left my regular job and started working from home instead. Things went off smooth and professionally there is not much of a problem. Agreed, 2020 has been quite a bad year for almost everyone and I am no exception. But then, things are somewhat better with me when I see people around and learn about their getting unemployed or otherwise. My problem is related to family, relationship with my wife and this has started playing on me. The last time we indulged in any sexual activity was probably before my wife became pregnant. And even before that, she was always uninterested in having anything physical between us. At max, we would have sex just once a month. But after her birth, we have never had sex, no time together. The most we talk about in a day is the stock of this is finishing up or you need to get this or that kind of things. She works in an office, so she has friends, people whom she can talk to and spend time. I stay home caring for my daughter. Though most of the day is spent with caring for her, there is something that is dying inside me. I had tried asking her to make a visit to the consultant locally, but she has always denied. And she keeps telling me that all I need is sex from her, which of course has never been true. I wished there was some medical solution for my problems but I know there is nothing wrong. It is just some psychological issue. At times I just want to leave up everything and quit, but then I prefer not to do it thinking about the daughter. I now feel that I do need some friends, but at my age, finding them is also tough. I do not feel comfortable talking about these issues to even my friends because - 1. I do not feel that close with any and 2. I wonder, if any of those confronted up my wife with this - that would be asking for a chaos as well. I could go on into more details but am unsure if you would have that enough time. Please suggest if you can.
Ans: Dear PK, firstly, Parenting is a lot of work and to be a full-time parent from home, like you are right now, requires a lot of time and energy. Also, let’s not deny and most mothers/parents/others who are full time caregivers of a child will whisper and not say it aloud that doing that 24*7 without a break can be stressful and even monotonous at times.

They are encouraged to take a break every once in a while, to rejuvenate so they can do more and feel less exhausted.

It is pretty normal for women to lose interest in sex for a few weeks or perhaps months after the baby is born as the hormones now secreted elude her away from simply being a wife and the loving mother takes over.

This can cause a lot of rift between the new parents as the man obviously is not aware of this fact.

A book can throw more light on this and I cannot be more emphatic and say this here that it helps when the woman doesn’t have to worry about her husband and focus on bonding with the child which is of utmost importance for the development and growth of the baby.

Besides, there are other forms of affection/intimacy that can be explored so the new parents still manage to keep the spark alive.

The fact of your wife having a parallel life at her work place has become a dampener in your mind as she is definitely able to have a social life at least part of the day whereas you are not.

I do suggest you cook up some ‘Me Time’ over the weekends when your wife can bond with the baby and you can meet friends and simply unwind so that you back with a renewed vigour as the week begins.

And, it is possible to make friends at any age. Anyone who shares common interests and hobbies, can become a part of your inner circle.

It is apparent that both of you have lost communication and either your wife is unaware about how you feel or maybe she is going through something that you don’t know of.

If she isn’t comfortable going to a professional, take charge and revive your communication. Babies can demand a lot of time from their parents and if you can have someone trustworthy to watch the baby for a couple of hours over the weekend, where you and your wife can have some time to yourselves, that might help.

We can go on struggling or we can step up and do something about it. So, give it your best for yourself and your family.

Happy Bonding and have a great life!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |957 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 19, 2022

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Hi Anu, I was in an arranged marriage in April 2022. Ten days after my marriage I found some letters, videos, conversation which clearly indicate that my husband is gay.I left him silently and tried to understand those things.We were not in a physical or romantic relationship. When I confronted him he said he was confused about his orientation for the last 10 years but now he is straight...Everything he explained had no head or tail, it seemed like a lie. We decided to separate.He moved on and is enjoying his life but my life has become hell. I miss the life I had dreamed about. I feel guilty if I was over reacting.Sometimes I wonder why I left him.I lost everything -- my looks, my confidence, my health, friends etc... I feel lonely.
Ans:

Dear PF,

I seriously don’t understand how he goes from being gay to straight all of a sudden.

If he is convinced that he is straight, have there been any moments of intimacy between the two of you or is this a façade that he is putting to avoid the glares of society and its cruel backlash?

If you feel that there is still hope, would you be willing to dull in your mind, what had happened and then appeal to him to start afresh?

Or has that boat already sailed?

I do believe in second chances and if his claims that he is straight are true and you feel that you acted in haste about leaving the relationship, why don’t you reach out to him and request him for a chance for both of you to work on getting back together?

There is no point in feeling sorry or guilty. What helps is doing something that might help you in the direction of what you want.

So, get into that action mode and do what needs to be done. Your confidence solely lies in moving ahead into a solution mode. So, what are you waiting for?

Best wishes!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |957 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 01, 2022

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Hello mam, I have come to know about you through an article I read online. I am mailing you regarding my problem. Please make it anonymous. I'm married for 10 years. I have a son who is 6 years old. After my delivery, my husband distanced me. Since then, we use to fight a lot. Both of us are abusive and there is no physical relation between us. I told the same to my parents, and they suggested that I adjust keeping in mind the society and asked me to try for a job to deviate my mind. Once I checked my husband phone and there was a history of homosexual p**n videos. When I asked him the same, he refused. There is no happiness and only fights. I have even made suicidal attempts and was admitted to the hospital for taking expired pills. I’m an old traditioned woman, unable to move out of marriage as I can’t handle being alone. At the same time, I am unable to understand my husband’s behaviour. He is saying he will be like that only, If you want you can stay or leave. He will not tell me anything about his family – when his father passed away due to covid, he left home without telling me. I knew about it from other relatives.
Ans:

Dear GV,

Thank you for reading my content. Hope it helps.

I can only imagine the trap that you are in. So, why are you choosing to be trapped even further?

  • Do you see any scope in your husband changing?
  • Do you know anything about his sexual orientation?
  • Do you feel that the two of you can rebuild your marriage?

If the answer to the above is NO, then time to break out of your so-called traditional mindset.

Do you really want to live in this set-up and have your son grow up unstable?

I am sure that as a mother you do want to provide him with a stable and loving environment.

Then, you need to think differently about your old beliefs and see if they are worth holding onto.

The older generation might have held onto marriages even if they were abusive. But things have changed.

Even if you are not financially independent, there are venues to change that. You only need to change the way you think.

Check with yourself if continuing this way is going to give you anything great in return or is it going to steal your spirit away.

The choice is yours but do know that you have a son to take care of as well.

Start by gaining a good circle of supporters that includes your parents and close friends who can help you through this massive change to enable you take charge of your life.

All the best!

..Read more

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