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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |173 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Jan 10, 2024

Ravi Mittal is an expert on dating and relationships.
He founded QuackQuack, an online dating platform, in 2010 with just two people. Today, it has over 20 million users in India.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jan 10, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

My husband loves his office more than me. He works long hours and spends his weekends organising trips and lunch dates with colleagues. He is always away from home. Whenever I ask him, he says networking is important to him and this is what keeps him happy. Since he is always away from home, I feel very lonely at home. We hardly get any time together. Is it wrong to expect your partner to spend time with his wife and family? Whenever we have this conversation at home, it leads to arguments. How can I address this correctly?

Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I understand that these conversations can be tricky to nail. First of all, I am sorry you have to go through this challenging phase. And it is valid to want to spend some quality time with your spouse. An open and direct conversation about the issue is the only way to deal with it. Choose the right time and place to address the issue. Don't bring up the topic as soon as he is back from office. He'd be tired and it would make you look like the bad guy even though the reality is far from it. Find a calm and private setting to discuss your feelings. Use "I statement" to express your feelings. For instance, don't say, "You make me feel lonely because of this time issue." Instead frame it like, "I feel so lonely because of the time issue." This way, he won't feel attacked and won't get defensive. Moreover, don't say, "We never spend time together," because this will be challenged with demands for example. Give concrete examples of instances when you felt neglected or missed out on quality time together. This can help him understand the impact his busy schedule is having on your relationship.

Now these are how you address the issue. There's more to it. You also have to acknowledge his perspective. If he says networking is important, it might hold some truth. Show him that you understand his commitments. This will make the conversation more cooperative than confrontational. Instead of merely complaining, come up with solutions and present them to him. This could include setting aside specific days or hours for family time, planning activities together, or finding compromises that work for both of you. Listen to his side of the story too. Let him express himself.

If none of these seem to improve the matter, I recommend seeing a professional for more structured support. Please understand that there's no shame in seeing a marriage counselor. It does not mean your marriage needs fixing or it's a bad marriage or it's falling apart. It simply means you need a little help to figure out certain arenas of marriage. We all do from time to time. Moreover, A neutral third party, who is trained on this specific subject, can provide better guidance and help facilitate productive communication.

Best Wishes!

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 21, 2022

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 Hello dear, How you handle a relationship where both have love for each other but are not living happily? We are married for 18 years now and have two grown up children.My husband is very good. But he is not expressive. I feel he is very dry and unromantic from the beginning. There is no communication between us...Verbal or physical. I have developed a sort of aversion to him and feel suffocated. I am not able to behave normally with him. I am always upset. Though he is very patient with me. He is very good as a person and has no flaws, but he is always occupied with his work or mobile. I don't know how to handle myself. Please advise how to make the relationship happier though I have no desire to make any efforts now as I feel it's all useless. He doesn't see any problem. He feels this is very normal. The romantic relationship is not real, it's filmy. This is reality. I feel we have a very formal relation. Just for society and children's sake I am stuck to him. I don't want to leave him but I also can't live with him. What to do?
Ans:

Dear SG,

This seems to be a classic case of two opposites in a relationship which is most often the truth. Sometimes it’s a little extreme like in your case.

But even relationships like these can be managed very beautifully.

You can start by

  • Listing down the commonalities between the two of you
  • Developing a new hobby together
  • Appreciating and celebrating your differences
  • Being in a space of gratitude for the silent care and love that he offers

Once he knows that you are making that effort without accusing him or making him feel inadequate, talk to him about what your feelings are how every once in a while, you can be pampered and cared for.

Show him rather than complain. Some men do find it rather difficult to express their love and being very demonstrative.

It’s just a different approach to what you want; when all else fails, you need to try something new to reach your outcome…that’s all….

Most importantly, keep playing in your mind, all the wonderful things that you have shared up until now.

What you choose to focus, grows in the mind…so, focus on what you have, guide him towards what you want and always be in gratitude.

I wish you the most beautiful journey ahead.

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Anu Krishna  |802 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 05, 2022

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I have been married for more than 4 years now. But till date my husband never speaks over the phone in front of me. He always goes out of the house or moves farther away when we are out some shopping or anything like that. He has two mobiles and never shares his mobile unlock pin or pattern. Whenever he goes out to talk over phone, I feel stressed. He doesn't even talk to his parents or sister in front of me or when I'm near or around him. Whenever I try to talk to him about this issue, he yells at me asking why is it a problem for me if he talks over the phone? It always ends up in an argument or fight. How do I handle this issue? Please suggest.Thanks and regards
Ans:

Dear LK,
Some people are absolutely finicky when it comes to their privacy.

They love protecting and guarding their space and allow no one into it.

I am sure this causes you to think that there might be more to it and that’s why it has begun to bother you.

If you have been complaining about this, he mostly likely will retract and become defensive and not even offer an explanation to it.

Instead have you tried, being softer, yet assertive in a way that you make him realise that it bothers you. Also, an assurance that you are not out to stalk him or spy on his movements but give him that space where he can be free around you.

It might take time for him to release the old behaviour and form a new one, and you can simply support that change by reiterating that you are part of his journey and that it is okay for him to take a call with you and that you will not judge him for anything.

If he still doesn’t want to, I think you might consider respecting his privacy unless there is reason for you not to.
All the best!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |802 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 09, 2021

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I am going through a rough patch in my marriage and need an expert's advice badly since I do not have any elders or family members to help me out. I am a Muslim lady. I had my first marriage to a Hindu guy going against my family, which did not work out and we got divorced mutually. My family has since boycotted me and I am alone with a 14 year old daughter. (Mom stays with me but not much support) I am a working woman, and don't have much issues financially. After a year or so of my divorce, I met a childhood friend of mine after long, we liked each other, we got close and decided to get married. He was already married, but since in our religion, second marriage is legal and the second wife gets equal rights and respect as of first wife, I agreed for the marriage, which we solemnised secretly to not hurt his family (read his wife), but his dad supported us and agreed to our alliance too. It is almost 8 years now since our marriage, my hubby is loving towards me and my daughter, but the problem is he rarely stays with us at nights, he will come in daytime, stay for 4-5 hours, have dinner and leave. Some weekends only, he will stay. Initially I thought with time, it would change, but it's almost 8 years now, but nothing has changed and if I ask him, why he does not stay he says, 'office is far away; difficult to reach on time due to traffic and stuff.' Now, his whole family also knows about his marriage, then also he hardly gives us time and no one from his family contacts me or keeps in touch with me. Since I have been independent most of my life (I don't have a dad, bro or sis), I never asked for money since he also has a family to support. He will never give any on his own, even when I am short, he keeps saying he is in a financial crunch, once business picks up, he will take care of my expenses too. Since I am an only child, I wanted a kid with him, but he kept procrastinating that too, saying condition (financial) is not good right now; additional responsibilities will be an added burden for both of us. I live in a rented flat, while his family has his own (parents' home to be precise). My daughter is now almost 15, and understands quite a lot of things and has started disliking him. I am also at my wit's end now. I am tired and frustrated most of the time, feeling stuck. Any amount of talking and discussion only leads to arguments, and when he calms down, he would say he would try and change his ways but nothing changes. Please suggest what I am supposed to do now. Talking to him is out of question, it’s absolutely no use. I am even thinking of divorce now, (it's) better to live alone than with someone who makes you feel lonely. But I am afraid for my daughter, her marriage, the divorcee tag again and (she) being a laughing stock to society and family again, I do not know what to do. Please help me!
Ans: Dear K, well, I don’t want to be sounding judgmental here, but your husband seems to have it very conveniently laid out for him right now.

Two marriages; only one of which is out in the public and no kids from the second one. Nice arrangement, but one that makes you uncomfortable and now your daughter senses it too.

Ask yourself: what do I want from this relationship/marriage? Write it down clearly starting with the words: I want……… (Do not limit yourself or tell yourself what is possible or not; simply write everything that you want from it)

Once you have done that, go through it and check how many on the list seem like an absolute must have for you; those are some things that you value and cannot be compromised for anything. If you have already begun to compromise on them, then you have begun to devalue yourself and your future as well.

Stop right away and NOW. Anything or anybody who moves you away from what is important to you must absolutely not be given a place in your life.

Since, you mentioned talking to him is not an option, keep this list handy and picture what your life will be without him and check how it feels.

If it feels right moving on, just DO IT. Strength is in holding onto what you value and stand up for. But of course, if it helps, do try to have that discussion and iron things out.

Always remember: Value yourself and value what is important to you and let nothing or no one keep you away from that.

Wishing you a beautiful life!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |802 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 28, 2022

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Dear Anu, I am a housewife with two kids, younger one is 3 years old. I used to be working before the birth of my second child. I can't join back the job as we are nuclear family and husband is busy whole day with his work. I have to take care of the house and kids almost full day. Sometimes I’m frustrated and irritated. I gave talked about this to my husband but not much respite. He says 'I’m doing my job to earn. You do your job to look after house.' Don't know what to do.
Ans:

Dear PS,

Typical nuclear family with very little family support relies solely on the mother being the caregiver and this can result in a lot of frustrations. Understood!

But what exactly are you trying to do fighting the situation knowing that things might be the same for a few years down the line till the children grow a little older? Are you planning on being frustrated for all these years?

Also, someone needs to give your husband a talk on these gender specific remarks and pushing the job of the home to you.

Maybe he didn’t mean it the way it sounded, but well…

In the digital world, there is enough and more to do to use the skills that a person has. So why not explore, a work-from-home part time option?

Depending on what your expertise is and the time that you can give to the work from home option, why don’t you focus on searching for this?

This will require an amazing time management and organization skills on your part, so you are able to give it at least 3-4 hours a day.

This will not only keep you occupied and financially stronger, it will also give you a sense of direction and purpose which is what is currently lacking.

Also, if you have an option of a ‘nanny’ for even two hours during the day when the children can be kept busy, you can even have some time for yourself which will re-energize you.

Caring for two small children is no mean feat and make sure when you discuss the work-from-home option (If you choose this), with your husband, you emphasize how important it is for you along with managing the home.

The commitment ‘to do something for yourself’ will be the focus of your discussion and please do something before your frustrations start seeping out and get onto the kids which might eventually happen.

First, be happy yourself to nurture your home and family.

Step Up…All the best!

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |173 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Apr 22, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 20, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I am a 26 years old girl completed my studies, trying to get a job, 2 years back I fell in love online with a man of 32 years old, we have not met yet physically. He is working on a very small salary in a village i.e. his hometown. He can't get a good government job or private job now due to lack of experience and age. We love each other a lot with all our flaws. My family is strictly against it due to caste difference, low salary, he lives 1600 km away, background differences. Overall they don't trust him and our love and are emotionally blackmailing me to get married with someone they choose. And the thought alone of leaving him makes me sad
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I am sorry for the challenges you are facing. I understand how difficult it must be to leave a person you love. Having said that, I would also like to point out that living a decent life is not cheap. You are currently unemployed and your partner has a low salary; it will not be sustainable in the long run. I am not asking you to leave him and marry someone else; all I am suggesting is don't rush. Take the time to find a decent job and ask your partner to do the same. Once you think you both are earning a good amount of money, put forth the idea of your marriage again to your parents.

Now the most important thing, you have met him online and never met him in real life. Is it worth taking this kind of risk before verifying everything in person? I am sure he is genuine but there is no harm in cross-checking. And I can't really blame your parents for having their doubts. Please don't rush. One wrong decision can ruin the rest of your life. Take your time, think this through, and meet him in person, most likely in your city and in a public space. Do a thorough background check. It is easy to get fooled when you are in love.

Again, please don't rush. You have your whole life ahead of you.

Best Wishes
(more)
Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |173 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Apr 22, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 21, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi, I am 25+ years of old. Earning a handsome ammount of money arround 1lakh. I am a introvert, kind of kanjus you can say. I don't have any gf. I had one one one-sided relationship but because of low self confidence I didn't able to express my feelings. I don't feel myself as a ugly person but I am over waight, facing hair fall recently that's why I lose confidence approaching girls. I tried few dating apps but use. As I am a introvert I don't like to go to parties but definitely become comfortable after knowing the other person. Currently in Bangalore but being from a remote area I don't feel comfortable approaching a girl. What should I do.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I understand how you are feeling. First of all, you are not alone in this. Secondly, it's time you recognize how much you have achieved in life. Kudos to that.

Now, coming to your concern, being an introvert is not an issue, though it comes with its own set of challenges. I understand that you feel shy when it comes to talking to women. That's where dating apps come in. You have seen no results on them; I hear you. But give it another try, but this time, with a fool-proof strategy. First off, write an appealing bio. It's equivalent to writing a cover letter- you put forward your best attributes and convince people why they should date you. You can mention your achievements, you can be honest and disclose that you are an introvert, mention what you have to offer as a partner and don't forget to mention what you are looking for in your partner. This would give your potential matches a concise idea of you and also help attract the right people. Second, display image matters. While I am not encouraging you to put up an over-edited picture hiding your imperfections, do not put up the worst one either. Make sure it's recent, decent, and of you and you alone, and not in a group. Third, if you like somebody, don't be afraid to send a message. You are not committing to them, nor do you have to see them in person. Leave a message, interact, only if things go well, meet in person. There's no rush and no prior commitment. Fourth and the most important one, be patient. The right match can take a while but when you do find them, it will be worth the wait.

Best Wishes!
(more)
Sushil

Sushil Sukhwani  |306 Answers  |Ask -

Study Abroad Expert - Answered on Apr 22, 2024

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