Need Expert Advice?Our Gurus Can Help

Anu Krishna |1402 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 24, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more

Question by Sandeep on Jan 22, 2024Hindi

Hi, how to know if I'm in Toxic relation? Problem is my wife gets angry for reasons only known to her. When she got angry she locks the door and stay there until you kept banging it. Even left unattended she will stay inside the room for day (last time she stayed for 4days without food- I believe so) or she leaves the house without information and I need go out and search for her. Even if she opens the door by anychance I should beg like anything for her to eat/drink. There's no communication whatsoever. I tried to convey it many times, if you got angry take sometime and should respond saying what mistake I did either by a message or a note or something she is comfortable with. But all the efforts were in vain. Its been almost 1.5years but still we did consumate, I took her to a gynecologist but even after getting some consultation she didn't change. Sometimes she showcases too much affection and also the anger side. I feel like I'm fearing to talk to take even small decisions like spending time with my family/friends/going out alone. Even she gets possessive if I talk to my cousin/neiece which I don't understand. Informed her father/brother on few things but still there is no improvement. I just feel I'm lost and donno about the future (kids/house/bring parents to stay with me/ etc..). Plz help

Ans: Dear Sandeep,
What you are facing is called 'Emotional Blackmail' which is toxic. It's like when a child who cannot speak does not get what he/she wants, there's a tantrum thrown around just to get your attention.
As an adult, your wife is displaying something similar as she protests by locking herself up to get your attention and make you do or undo certain things that has caused her displeasure or sadness.
She must train herself to communicate what she wants and not, what exactly she does not like...instead if she throws a tantrum, ignore her...even if it's a child, instead of giving into the tantrum, if you ignore, the child calms down and then learns how to convey through communication...
When she is hungry or thirsty, eventually she will open the door and eat...don't worry. But the more you accept this behavior, the more she will continue to gain your attention. So help her learn how to communicate.
(By the way, how does a gynaecologist fit in here? I don't understand the relevance!)
But it be good if you did do a blood check to rule out any vitamin deficiencies which can trigger a lot of low states of mind. Talk to your GP who can advice you on this...till then help her learn a new behavior of communication.

All the best!

Asked on - Jan 24, 2024 | Answered on Jan 29, 2024

Hi Anu, thanks for your reply. I undestand she jus want to grab the attention but she's staying inside the room for days (last time it was 4days) and after that when unattended she stepped outside the house. My problem is instead of being stubborn I'm begging her to eat. I don't know how to stop it, its concerns me as a next to person is having an issue and I should help her but not as a wife. And to your query on gynacologist: we hadn't had sex (intercourse) till date, so took her to see if there is an issue, but all is good. spoke to her multiple times but as she's not interested didn't force her. But she takes pleasure from me by othermeans. I had to hire a Cook because she doesn't know cooking (before marriage she told she knew to cook). told her to learn basic cooking so that you can feed the children (in future) and not rely on someone coming and cook for them but of no use. All she wants is to work (doing WFH) and most of the time she says I'm sick (bodyaches, headache, period). Even after coming to home at 10:30pm from office I had to cook food for me/her when needed. All I feel is I'm staying with a roommate and I feel I'm uncertain this relationship (even told her that if I got into a position I don't even listen to my Parents who I treat them as the 1st priority). But still no use.

Ans: Dear Sandeep,
I am still going to say the same thing as my previous response to you.
You really need to 'toughen' up and not heed to this emotional stuff that she is throwing out at you. Like I said: when a person is hungry or thirsty, they will eventually yield to it...allow it to happen...Yes, it maybe difficult for you to make this change, but if it is going to bring in long-term change within your home and marriage, why would you not do it?
Break this habit/pattern that she has built over years of gaining attention in a very unwanted way. It will help...My suggestions are still the same as my previous response.
Don't go around searching for more answers, as it lies within you and in you. So, take charge...

All the best!