Hi, how to know if I'm in Toxic relation? Problem is my wife gets angry for reasons only known to her. When she got angry she locks the door and stay there until you kept banging it. Even left unattended she will stay inside the room for day (last time she stayed for 4days without food- I believe so) or she leaves the house without information and I need go out and search for her. Even if she opens the door by anychance I should beg like anything for her to eat/drink. There's no communication whatsoever. I tried to convey it many times, if you got angry take sometime and should respond saying what mistake I did either by a message or a note or something she is comfortable with. But all the efforts were in vain. Its been almost 1.5years but still we did consumate, I took her to a gynecologist but even after getting some consultation she didn't change. Sometimes she showcases too much affection and also the anger side. I feel like I'm fearing to talk to take even small decisions like spending time with my family/friends/going out alone. Even she gets possessive if I talk to my cousin/neiece which I don't understand. Informed her father/brother on few things but still there is no improvement. I just feel I'm lost and donno about the future (kids/house/bring parents to stay with me/ etc..). Plz help

It sounds unlikely but I understand that when you choose to see more of what you don’t like, that starts to become bigger.

Also, is it possible for you not to label your wife as short-tempered? Because this is what you will convey to her when in the moment of irritation.

It’s just that’s she is going through a situation which perhaps has gone on for a while now.

Now getting back to the environment at home, has you wife always displayed this kind of behaviour at home or has this been a recent occurrence or has something triggered it?

Sometimes, a massive change within the body due to age can cause it or simply put even excess house work due to the pandemic situation can result in a change in temper.

Can you make an effort to communicate with her and talk to her rather than expect her to change?

Communicate in love and care and support.

State what you feel bothered by and how this is impacting your daughter.

Appeal to her in love and once she realises that you are on her side, she might have a change in perspective and at least be willing to listen to you.

Also, when she has an outburst, do make sure that you don’t react as much as you want to.

Go silent (practice it) and let her release her emotions. Sooner than later when she sees no reactions from you, she might calm down as well.

I realise it might be hard to deal with this at this very moment, but as you are reading this, I would also urge you to focus on the moments of peace with your daughter.

Surely when she smiles at you, you do feel great, right?

Households are not angry and non-angry; people choose to feel angry or happy.

Why not start to focus on why you and your wife married and how a beautiful daughter came through both of you and that your wife must be going through something right now and that you can be a huge support for her?

Create a beautiful life!

Well, we do need money to keep the family running, right?

Somehow, external happenings of someone earning more can get into the marriage cropping up as comparisons.

What started as a mere seed of comparison, slowly starts to become a huge tree with fruits of poison robbing even the small successes that you might have had.

Even that seems never enough leaving you with a feeling of inadequacy.

This affects marriage compatibility and comes out as anger, sadness, violent outburst, finger pointing which is evident in your marriage.

At the same time, I am sure your wife does not really intend to hurt you with these behavioural displays.

And that’s why externalising the situation to be your fault arises and she does not want to think that her perceptions are what are causing the situation.

Either you sit her down and bring her down to facts of the matter that this is how life is going to be and this is the money is what you can bring.

If it’s still an issue and she has a hard time accepting this reality, involve an elder member from her family to communicate with her.

Show her the mirror as to how her wants are unequal to what money is coming in and how this regular chatter might be affecting the children as well.

If anyone needs professional intervention, it’s both of you going to a therapist and not a psychiatrist.

The expert can help out things into perspective where both of you can rebuild your relationship with renewed mind spaces.

Happy rebuilding!

Dear SD,

I have heard your side of the story but haven’t heard your wife on the same issue.

It seems the way you have described that your wife’s behaviour is unreasonable and selfish.

But I do believe that it takes two to tango.

What ever made her turn around differently from what she agreed upon before marriage?

Was she forced into this marriage?

Maybe it’s time to ask her:

What can I do for you?

What about me or my behaviour annoys you?

These questions shift from blame game to a solution space where you also take on the onus along with her to make the marriage work.

Obviously, something isn’t going on right and instead of bringing more instances that will prove that she’s at fault, why not bring in a space where the two of you work on your marriage.

Most times, just a shift in this thinking saves marriages and relationships.

All the best!