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Is my wife's aggressive behavior normal?

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1394 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 12, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Dec 10, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

Hi I am 50 yrs male married for last 20 yrs, facing domestic abuse mentally, physically from my wife, she is extremely aggressive and use foul language in front of our 13 yrs daughter, family members, friends, maid, driver... she is keep blaming me if anything went wrong be it is financial, Social and economical . She always blame my parents with very abusive language.. she always say negative things in front of my family members for all the things which went wrong due to her extraordinary aggressive and abusive behavior, she always make issues out of normal conversation.. she is also working. She doesn't talk and whenever i try to ignore her, she physically abusive and use foul language with me.. i am trying to adjust with her for the sake of my daughter future. She is very negative, if i try to help her, she will start shouting and use abusive language and start physically abusive towards me I don't know how deal with strange behavior... I am confused and worried, but due family, daughter and society i am tolerating her. Pls help and suggest best possible solutions

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Has this started more recently or has it been going on for a while now? This is a good indicator to know if things were most;y like this or if any recent event has triggered this.
If it is a recent thing, I guess you could try and find out what exactly could have caused this. But if it is something that has been happening for a long time, the reasons could be any and many. Since there is also some physical abuse as you mentioned, kindly make an appointment with a professional who will be able to guide your wife through this challenging time. It possibly involves some unresolved things from the past which is making life currently difficult for all of you.
Work as a family unit together for her and not against her. It's going to make matters worse. She may refuse to go to a professional, then the only option left is for you to develop a lot of patience and deal with this adult to adult with her. No fights, quarrels with her but a lot of quiet conversations which she will initially resist but someday she will give in...So if you want the family to get back together in a healthy way, a lot also depends on how you are going to deal with the situation.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Love Guru

Love Guru   |204 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on May 13, 2022

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Dear Love Guru, Please keep me anonymous. I am a 45 years old married male. Ours was an arranged marriage. My spouse as well as my in-laws have cynical attitude towards life. They are always abusive towards everyone at their back even. Earlier, I used to take it lightly and also tried to make my wife understand that there are good people also in the world. I also used to think that she may not be having the same attitude at least towards me but I was wrong. I always did my best whenever she was in trouble or otherwise, be it in her social, professional or medical needs but instead of acknowledging she always found some ulterior motive of mine. She acts sweet whenever she wants anything or to get things done from me otherwise she becomes abusive. Moreover, since beginning she discusses everything over phone with her mother and acts as per her guidance. I don't think that anything whatever happens in between us be it good or bad or in our house is not known to her mother. Whenever we have any quarrel she immediately calls her mother and tells her only her side of the things and uses abusive words for me. I have even requested her that even if she feels like calling her mother to lighten up, she may do it, but at least in privacy so that I should not hear the words she uses. But, now after 14 years I am getting fed up and don't feel like being with her. I am continuing because of my daughter as separation may affect the child. We no longer share any emotional or physical intimacy. I am exhausted. Please advise.  Regards, Anonymous
Ans:

Sounds like you’re tired of the marriage.

I would suggest attending some marital counselling together before you decide to finalise a split, if only for the sake of your daughter.

I understand that the child’s situation is taking precedence over yours, and that’s good parenting, but how long will you carry on like this? It’s been so many years already.

Your wife speaking to her mother about everything is understandable, but within earshot so that you hear it too is not. She obviously has ulterior motives.

Visit a competent counsellor. I’m sure you’ll be able to make headway in this situation.

..Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |435 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 04, 2023

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My wife frequently quarrels with me, putting up baseless aligations on character shoutingly so much that everyone in our apartment hears it easily. This conduct of her is affecting badly my 4 year son and 12 year old daughter and badly tarnishing my social life. We are now married for last 10 years and she is always like this towards me. Please hlp as it is effecting my health. Thanks.
Ans: Dear Irfan,

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this difficult situation in your marriage. It sounds like your wife's behavior is not only affecting you, but also your children and social life.

It's important to communicate openly with your wife about how her behavior is affecting you and your family. You can try to have a calm and respectful conversation with her about your concerns and express how her behavior is hurting you and your children. It's important to avoid being defensive or confrontational, as this can escalate the situation and make things worse.

If your attempts to communicate with your wife are not successful, it may be helpful to seek the advice of a marriage counselor or therapist. A trained professional can help you both to identify the underlying issues that are causing the conflicts and provide you with tools and strategies to improve your communication and relationship.

In the meantime, it's important to prioritize the well-being of your children and yourself. You can seek support from trusted friends or family members, join a support group, or consider individual therapy to help you cope with the stress and emotional toll of the situation.

Remember, it's not healthy or acceptable for anyone to be subjected to baseless allegations or verbal abuse. It's important to take steps to protect yourself and your family from this behavior, whether that means seeking professional help

..Read more

Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  | Answer  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 09, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 30, 2023Hindi
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Hi, I am married from last 15 year, having a daughter , my realtion with my wife is very bad, she is like this since start of marriage, our is arrange marriage. She didn't want any kind of responsibility, she always want to go out and if possible do shopping, if I asked not to over spend she thinks not sure what and create scene. She fight with everyone even in office or with her parents, she blames other for all this, never ever think she can be wrong, she is having a feeling if you correct her , she not going to like it, she will say no need to teach me , I know. She even not hving very good relationship with my daughter, she is in class 10th and staying in baording. I am hving 2 flat just like jodi flat adjacant to each other, i am staying in one and she is in another , she hardly let me hv sex, but she talks or chat with stranger whole night, i try to question her but she started fighting, she didn't listen and do what ever she want, if u question she will fight, i really don't know how to handle this situation, I am feeling trapped and she is accusing me for all the mess. We had fight lots of time , we abused each other during fight a lot , but the problem still persist nothing changed in 15 years recently after fight i stop talking with her . Not sure how I should move forward , i talked with my daughter and she also suggesting me leave her for some time she will realize , should i go for divorce or how to move forward.
Ans: I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a difficult time in your marriage.
It's important to remember that ultimately, the decision to stay in or leave a relationship is up to the individual. Here are some things you can do to help you move forward:

1. Seek professional help: Consider seeing a therapist or counselor who can help you work through your feelings and provide guidance on how to move forward.

2. Take care of yourself: Make sure you're taking care of your own physical and emotional needs. This can include getting enough sleep, eating a healthy diet, and engaging in activities that you enjoy.

3. Set boundaries: If your wife's behavior is causing you distress, it's important to set boundaries. This can include setting limits on spending, or establishing rules around communication.

4. Consider couples therapy: If you're both willing, couples therapy can be a helpful way to work through issues in your marriage and improve communication.

5. Think about your options: If you're considering divorce, it's important to think carefully about your options. Consider speaking with a lawyer who can provide guidance on the legal aspects of divorce.

Remember, every situation is unique, and there's no one-size-fits-all solution. Take the time to consider your options and make the decision that's best for you and your family.

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1394 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 08, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 02, 2024Hindi
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Hi Anu, I am 45 year old and married from last 16 years and having 15 year old daughter . My Wife and I didn't have a good relation, We fight a lot, not sure what ever I speak she didn't like it and some how converted into argument , My wife is 10 year younger to me , I used to have good sex life at-least few year back, but relation was not good that time too, some how she is either having feeling of superiority or not sure what , She always blames me or my daughter if any things happen, she didn't ready to accept that she can be wrong . Previously even we used to have fight but overall things was fine , she used to generally fight but some how we do makeup after fight , now situation is out of control, she didn't accept her mistake and try to blame me for all the problem , she do over spend and if I try to control she start fighting, I think she just fight for what ever things she need for her selves , but always criticized / blame other , She pick up fight very easily with any one , She even fight a lot with our daughter . Even daughter some time suggest to go separate road than only she will understand , I try to go for concealing but no help , there also when used to discuss problem she hardly listen , even Councilor told her she must develop habit to listen others but nothing improve, I am not sure how to tackle this , She always sleep alone and if any disturbance she create ruckus , she want the things her own way if not than she can't tolerate . I am not sure but I need help here and problem after covid is more now , I try to manage these things previously but looks I don't have patience to handle this any more, I didn't like people blaming for no reason, it looks some time after doing so much for family I am nothing for my family and it is hurting me more. I will not say that I didn't fight , I do and mainly when I feel broken I shout on her and some time asked her to live the house , This may be as she always says she is looking for some one once she find she will leave the house , She always give threat and always say she didn't love me , She didn't find me attractive enough . She try to create environment where I should feel that I am not important person as well as social , I can write 10 more page around this but wanted to have some solution , not sure what could be best here . I wrote previously too but have not got any response yet.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I suggest that the two of you go and see a marriage therapist. This is not simply the job of a counselor; there is clearly a breakdown in the way your marriage is functioning...it needs both of you to build the marriage back again and the therapist will be able to see and review both sides and suggest/guide you two correctly.

10 or 20 pages are not going to help; what will help is that both of you sit down and think of why you are married and what you can do to rebuild it. Blaming her or yourself isn't anyway going to help...Rather than listing down each others' faults, try to work at this.

All the best!

..Read more

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7255 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 12, 2024

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Sir, I am a female private company employee would like to invest Rs 10,00,000 other than in FD's. Considering liquidity and risk pls advise me how to proceed with.
Ans: Your decision to explore alternatives to fixed deposits is commendable. It reflects a balanced approach to achieving better returns while maintaining liquidity and managing risk. Below is a detailed analysis and suggestions on how to proceed with your investment:

Diversified Mutual Fund Portfolio
Mutual funds are ideal for liquidity, risk management, and diversification.

Allocate funds to different mutual fund categories based on your risk appetite and investment goals.

Equity mutual funds: Invest 40% for high returns in the long term. They suit moderate to high-risk tolerance.

Hybrid funds: Allocate 30% to balance equity and debt exposure for stability. These are less volatile.

Debt mutual funds: Invest 30% to preserve capital and ensure liquidity. These offer lower risk.

Actively managed funds are better for growth as they outperform passive options.

Regular plans through an MFD with a CFP offer expert guidance and better fund selection.

Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP)
Use SWP for a steady cash flow if needed later.

Withdraw systematically without disturbing the principal.

This strategy maintains liquidity and provides tax efficiency.

Corporate Fixed Deposits and Bonds
Invest 20% in AAA-rated corporate FDs or bonds for better returns than bank FDs.

Ensure the issuer has a strong credit rating for safety.

These options provide fixed income and moderate liquidity.

Gold Investment for Diversification
Allocate 10% to gold through Sovereign Gold Bonds or Gold ETFs.

Sovereign Gold Bonds offer an additional annual interest of 2.5%.

Gold acts as a hedge during economic uncertainties.

Liquid Funds for Emergency Needs
Keep 10% in liquid mutual funds for emergencies or short-term goals.

These provide easy access to funds within 24 hours.

Returns are higher than savings accounts, ensuring better cash management.

Tax Efficiency
Equity mutual funds offer long-term tax benefits if held for over one year.

Debt mutual funds are taxed as per your income slab, but indexation reduces long-term taxes.

Plan withdrawals to optimise tax liability and maximise post-tax returns.

Insurance and Contingency Fund
Before investing, ensure adequate health and life insurance coverage.

Maintain a contingency fund covering at least 6 months of expenses.

This step ensures financial stability during emergencies.

Regular Monitoring
Review your investments quarterly with the help of a Certified Financial Planner.

Rebalance the portfolio based on market conditions and financial goals.

Regular tracking helps mitigate risks and ensures alignment with your objectives.

Avoid Common Investment Mistakes
Avoid direct funds due to the absence of expert advice and monitoring.

Stay away from speculative investments promising quick returns.

Avoid underestimating the importance of professional guidance in fund selection.

Align Investments with Goals
Define short-term, medium-term, and long-term financial goals.

Match investments with respective timelines for effective planning.

Ensure liquidity aligns with your specific needs, avoiding over-commitment to illiquid options.

Final Insights
Your investment should be a mix of growth and safety. Keep funds accessible when required while optimising returns. Diversify wisely and seek professional guidance for fund selection and periodic review. Stay focused on aligning investments with your goals and risk profile.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1394 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 12, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 10, 2024
Relationship
Hi doctor, I am 40 yrs old and my wife is 38 married for 14 yrs and have 1 kid who is 11 yrs old. We both are working and we only get to spend time on weekend and during weekdays we hardly get time to talk and see each other due to our shift timings. During weekend I do get urge to be intimate with her but she has lost interest and she doesn't have that urge to be intimate, we spoke about this multiple times and she agrees about this fact as we hardly get intimate once in 6 months or may be more than that. I do have that strong urge and don't want to cheat on my wife or go somewhere else to fullfill my sexual needs, but not sure if there can be any medication which will arouse her so that she can participate willingly in having sex. Even if we happen to get in to action she will just lie on the bed like dead with no emotions and she is constantly thinking of something else in her mind like what I need to cook for tomorrow, or did she do that work in office she will ask me to remind about something tomorrow as she has to do certain task, her mind is all over the place except in the act in the present moment, which really turns me off. Please need your help to save our relationship.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Intimacy for a man and women are very different and varied as well.
You cannot NOT connect during the week at an emotional level and then expect your wife to be excited to jump in bed. That's not how it works!
Both of you work which means weekends do get busy with household chores, children and more...there's very little time and energy left for intimate moments.
On your wife's part, she has not learned as yet to leave office work at the office but certainly what to cook for the next day is a huge task if this depends only on her. Why don't the two of you pitch in to distribute the household work between you? That way she does not feel burdened (if she does feel that way)...this also goes a long way in letting her know that you care and you want to help her...
You could also talk about how you can steal some moments after office and before you reach home by meeting at a cafe and sharing time over a cup of coffee. This definitely will make your wife feel more connected and emotionally secure which is a start point to easing of your sexual relationship.
Basically, get back to the dating scene and make your relationship a priority. A great sexual life is a product of the connection that a couple share outside the bedroom and the willingness on the part of the couple to make that happen.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7255 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 11, 2024

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I have 20 lakhs in my account and a house in my name. At present I am not earning. I have taken SBI Life smart wealth builder with installment of 1Lakh, for 12 years and premium payment term of 7 years. Applicable tax rate is 18%. I also invested in MF and taken a health insurance. I am thinking if it would be wise to continue with the SBI life. If I close SBI life and invest that in MF will it be beneficial for me? I have taken a break from my career due to health issues, and planning to continue with my job soon with an expected income of 40-50k. I am 50 years old. I need to take care of my son's (18 years) higher studies and plan for my retirement.
Ans: You are in a transitional phase with important financial goals. Let’s assess your options to make informed decisions.

Assessing SBI Life Smart Wealth Builder Policy
High Cost of Policy: The policy includes administration charges, fund management fees, and taxes of 18%.

Limited Returns: ULIPs often provide lower returns compared to actively managed mutual funds.

Lock-in Period: Your policy locks funds, restricting liquidity for immediate goals.

Surrender Value: Check the surrender value. Early surrender might lead to penalties and reduced returns.

Potential Benefits of Investing in Mutual Funds
Higher Returns: Mutual funds, especially actively managed ones, often outperform ULIPs over time.

Flexibility: You can withdraw funds based on your needs, offering better liquidity.

Diversification: Mutual funds provide exposure to different asset classes, reducing risk.

Cost Efficiency: Investing through a Certified Financial Planner minimises hidden charges and optimises returns.

Managing Your Rs. 20 Lakh Corpus
Emergency Fund: Set aside Rs. 5-6 lakhs in liquid funds or fixed deposits for emergencies.

Education Planning: Allocate funds in short-term debt mutual funds or recurring deposits for your son’s higher studies.

Retirement Corpus: Invest the remaining amount in a mix of equity and debt mutual funds for long-term growth.

Health Insurance Adequacy: Review your existing health insurance to ensure sufficient coverage.

Planning Your Income Resumption
Once you resume work, save at least 20-30% of your income.

Prioritise retirement contributions alongside education planning.

Use surplus income to reduce financial dependency on investments.

Tax Efficiency
Mutual Funds: Equity mutual funds provide tax benefits but watch for LTCG above Rs. 1.25 lakh (taxed at 12.5%).

Surrendering ULIP: Check tax implications on surrender proceeds. ULIPs offer tax exemption if premiums don't exceed 10% of the sum assured.

Health Insurance: Claim Section 80D deductions for premiums paid.

Strategic Steps Forward
Review the policy surrender value. If penalties are high, consider continuing till break-even.

Consult with a Certified Financial Planner for a detailed portfolio review.

Set realistic timelines for education and retirement goals.

Maintain separate funds for short-term needs and long-term growth.

Finally
Your proactive approach will create a strong financial foundation. By reallocating your resources wisely, you can secure your son’s education and your retirement.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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