Hi, how to know if I'm in Toxic relation? Problem is my wife gets angry for reasons only known to her. When she got angry she locks the door and stay there until you kept banging it. Even left unattended she will stay inside the room for day (last time she stayed for 4days without food- I believe so) or she leaves the house without information and I need go out and search for her. Even if she opens the door by anychance I should beg like anything for her to eat/drink. There's no communication whatsoever. I tried to convey it many times, if you got angry take sometime and should respond saying what mistake I did either by a message or a note or something she is comfortable with. But all the efforts were in vain. Its been almost 1.5years but still we did consumate, I took her to a gynecologist but even after getting some consultation she didn't change. Sometimes she showcases too much affection and also the anger side. I feel like I'm fearing to talk to take even small decisions like spending time with my family/friends/going out alone. Even she gets possessive if I talk to my cousin/neiece which I don't understand. Informed her father/brother on few things but still there is no improvement. I just feel I'm lost and donno about the future (kids/house/bring parents to stay with me/ etc..). Plz help
Ans: Dear Sandeep,
What you are facing is called 'Emotional Blackmail' which is toxic. It's like when a child who cannot speak does not get what he/she wants, there's a tantrum thrown around just to get your attention.
As an adult, your wife is displaying something similar as she protests by locking herself up to get your attention and make you do or undo certain things that has caused her displeasure or sadness.
She must train herself to communicate what she wants and not, what exactly she does not like...instead if she throws a tantrum, ignore her...even if it's a child, instead of giving into the tantrum, if you ignore, the child calms down and then learns how to convey through communication...
When she is hungry or thirsty, eventually she will open the door and eat...don't worry. But the more you accept this behavior, the more she will continue to gain your attention. So help her learn how to communicate.
(By the way, how does a gynaecologist fit in here? I don't understand the relevance!)
But it be good if you did do a blood check to rule out any vitamin deficiencies which can trigger a lot of low states of mind. Talk to your GP who can advice you on this...till then help her learn a new behavior of communication.
All the best!
