Need Expert Advice?Our Gurus Can Help

Should I confess my feelings to a divorced colleague? 42-year-old with a son seeking advice.

Kanchan Rai |645 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 01, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 01, 2024Hindi

Hello Ma'am, My name is [Anonymous]. I am 42 years old, divorced, and currently working abroad. I have a 7-year-old son who doesn't live with me, and I am looking to move on in life. I have a former colleague who is 38 years old. We worked together for six years, and she is also divorced. She is very professional and respects me a lot, always calling me "Sirji." We never discussed our personal lives while working together, but when I was leaving the company and serving my notice period, we started talking more about our personal lives. She was shocked to learn about my divorce, and I was equally surprised to find out about hers. Over the past six months, we’ve been talking regularly, and I have been helping her with her professional growth. Recently, we have been discussing moving on in life. I suggested that she find someone and settle down, but she shared with me that even her family doesn't talk about her personal life, though she appreciates my concern. She told me that she wants to marry someone from her community and religion, as she is vegetarian, but she is having trouble finding a suitable match. I suggested that she could consider someone from a different community, but she is afraid it wouldn't work out, and she would struggle to adjust. She has also encouraged me to find someone and move on in life. Sometimes, she jokes and tells me to find someone for her, but I believe she is a very good woman, and I have started developing feelings for her. However, I am afraid that if I ask her to consider me for marriage and she refuses, I could lose her as a good friend, and I really enjoy our conversations. Could you please offer me some advice on what I should do? ????

Ans: Before making a decision, reflect on your intentions and the nature of your feelings. Are they grounded in a strong foundation of mutual understanding and compatibility, or are they influenced by loneliness or a desire to move on from your past? Understanding this will help you approach the situation with clarity and confidence.

If you decide that your feelings are genuine and you’d like to explore the possibility of a deeper relationship, it’s important to communicate thoughtfully. Begin by affirming your respect for her and the friendship you share. You could say something like, "I value our friendship deeply and truly enjoy the conversations we have. Over time, I’ve found myself thinking about the possibility of something more between us. I understand and respect your preferences and your journey, but I wanted to share my feelings because I value honesty and openness in our connection."

This approach ensures that your feelings are expressed without putting pressure on her, and it allows her to consider the idea without feeling cornered. If she doesn’t feel the same way, you can express your understanding and emphasize that you would like to maintain the friendship.

It’s also worth considering her concerns about cultural compatibility. If this is a significant factor for her, you could discuss how you envision addressing potential challenges if the relationship were to progress. Showing empathy for her concerns and a willingness to navigate differences together might help her feel more secure.

Remember, vulnerability is a risk, but it’s also the foundation for meaningful connections. Whether or not she feels the same, being honest about your feelings allows you to move forward with clarity and authenticity. And regardless of her response, the friendship you’ve built is rooted in mutual respect, which provides a solid foundation for either outcome.