Hi Ms. Anu, I need some different way of looking at the mess I am in. We are a very well educated couple married since past 16 years and very well settled (financially) abroad. We married after a courtship with blessings of both families and we do have a kid who is doing well atleast academically. The marriage has been a mess all these years starting within a couple of years after marriage. I do come from a very close knit middle class with a mentality/ upbringing to carryon whatever the odds are for wellbeing of kid also the spouse. My wife come from a pretty broken family where none of the family members are staying together or on routine talking terms. I do strongly feel that she has a borderline personality disorder which she refuses to atleast seek help available even to confirm or reject it. She has no good friends and her relations are very superficial with lot of white lies. Living with her is like walking on needles not knowing when she goes off. It has literally made me and my kid apprehensive every other minute dealing with her. She has given up her career in India and is a home maker here and I do respect that a lot but she is also very apprehensive to try out anything over here in spite of so many opportunities .I really don’t have any problem with it as we don’t have any financial need for it. She has best of everything we have/ earned over here, I never question her regarding even routine needs and try to work around her choices. We are like roommates living in a big house in separate rooms bringing up kid in best possible way. It sort or drains me out both mentally and physically and even affects my professional progress. Every attempt to discuss amicably ends with a fight. She has no social support to even fallback or ask for help. For me I don’t want to divorce her as I do know she won’t be able to survive alone over here or in India also I don’t want this to even put a small mental scar on my kid. I am trying out the best possible way I can but I do fear I might breakdown some day or the other leaving them in bad position. I dont have any affairs, I don’t even drink/ smoke/ gamble. I am just a simple person trying to live comfortably and bringing up the kid in best possible was as every other person.

I have been married for a little more than five years and I am living under tremendous stress and depression. We live in a joint family with my parents and an unmarried brother. I had told her all this before marriage. She loves me very much but her attitude towards my relatives has been a matter of concern right from the start. She does not want to keep a relationship with anybody apart from my immediate family. Slowly, she started having problems with my mother also; both have started having minor clashes at home. Many times, it is my mother’s mistake. The main problem is that she is very nagging and complains and gets irritated very frequently at the smallest instance. Frustrated, I planned on separating with her but the news came of her pregnancy and we were blessed with a baby girl. After the baby was born, my wife’s frustration and irritation has increased manifold because of her fear that my mother will give much more love to the baby then she can. So their clashes have increased. Now my wife has been putting a lot of pressure on me to look for a new house away from my parents, since she wants her own space. I already have a home loan on the existing home and a car loan. There is very less scope for me to purchase a new home and I don't want to leave my parents. She just doesn't understand my position and clashes happen between us. Looking at all this, I desperately want to separate from her but can't do so because of our daughter. I love her the most and can't live without her. So I just endure what is happening every day. This has resulted in me slipping into depression. It has affected my work in office as well. I am not performing well, I don't like to speak with any of my friends or relatives, I don't feel like doing anything. I’m living for the sake of my daughter, that's it. Even my parents are not in a position to understand me and my situation so I can't talk to them either. Can you help? Just don’t publish my name.

Hello, Kanchan. I earlier wrote to you earlier (link: surl.li/ncpnu) regarding my vulnerabilities - my being jobless since more than a year, financial hardships & toxic atmosphere at home, specifically my wife from being nagging to being nasty, never caring about what I go through at times. I do acknowledge and appreciate that she does most of the stuff- cooking, going to work & teaching our kid. But so do I- I play my part as much as I can while dealing with energy issues & depression- but that doesn't mean I don't do anything- I do all kinds of non-economic auxilliary work at homefront which does not go appreciated or acknowledged. I help her carry on with her job like dropping/picking her at work, and at home I do help her with chores, taking care of outdoor work, groceries, listening & empathising how her day at work went, etc. There are many balls we are juggling & I know for sure that we should not be handling one too many as we can't do justice to any of them or at worst we may miss the priorities! But we are helpless since there is no help at hand. I contemplated speaking to her but firstly, I never get enough time to discuss in the issues in pragmatic manner (she loses patience and cool very soon & not a very good critic of herself- something she accuses me of as well), and secondly even if time permits, never get a calm, relaxed atmosphere that would ensure non-judgemental attitude to tackle things head on. Such times it is difficult even to help her- I even mentioned this repeatedly to her that she's becoming like a cactus- that anyone even trying to help her is bound to get hurt & that's the reason people would rather prefer to keep a distance from her. I have been concerned about her BP rising due to her overwhelming insecurity, but all she says such times is the only solution would be when I find a good job, something which I have a very limited control over, given 1) my age factor which hampers learning; 2) gaps in my employable skills & 3) inability to deal with emotions while trying to deal with too many things at a time. I know that retorting back would not serve the purpose hence try to cool/balance things off & try to act calmly with her. If I mention inability due to my mental state, she just gets furious thinking that I am making excuses and doesn't empathise with me at all, even though she herself went through similar phases in recent months, but only difference is that she got an opportunity due to her goodwill easily while I continue to languish, engaged in self-defeating emotions and thoughts. As a result, my efforts are half-hearted, bearing no positive results and day by day, I lose motivation. Hesitate to seek any professional help due to some reasons: 1) it is costly & time consuming. 2) Me alone putting efforts in getting cured won't serve any purpose (it may relapse due to unsupportive environ at home) unless there's attitudinal shift with family members too. I don't know what to do, please help.

Hi, we are married for 19 years and have two kids.My wife is ill tempered, very rude and aggressive. Even if I tell her not to get angry and change her attitude, she argues by asking am I so bad? is it my fault always and never ever agrees that she is wrong. Counselling, Communicating and nothing will change her behaviour. Off Iate I understood that she is having an affair with my friend (which is safe because often he comes to our home and he is very close with all of us). If I ask her about this she will never ever accept, rather would retaliate by asking, have I gone insane? She will tear me apart by her aggressive behaviour. She is faking her love towards me and talks all sweet things whenever she requires me or my services as a husband. I am not interested in any counselling or any other such services. She will not budge or accept, thats guaranteed. Please, guide me and kindly dont bring kids angle in this, that will not help me. Shall I divorce (I am sure, it will be initial drama and later on it will not make any difference to her, she is independent and is a professional beautician. I am ready to gift her the plot which is in my name, she will be more than happy). what to do with this kind of aggressive and non accepting behaviour?

Hi, Me and my wife both are of same age. We had an arranged marriage and are married for 8 years. We have two kids. She has ‘Borderline Personality Disorder’ and its very difficult to live with her. I am giving her meds without her knowledge since 8 years with which its just manageable and going along. But life has become very troubled. All my dreams and goals remain unfilled. Also if somehow one day meds are not given, it becomes like hell. because of this i am almost completely isolated from my parents and siblings. Talking to her is not a solution and getting expert advise from psychiatrist is also impossible as she wont go to psychiatrist or psychologist. She also has less insight. How to come out of this mess?