Hello Anu,
I am under severe confusion and frustration. Wanted to consult with some psychiatrist but then I got to know about you.
I have an issue with my father.
I'm a 29 years old working man.
My family background was not good, my father was the sole bread earner in the family of 9 including my uncle and grandparents.
But my father invested in his children.
He gave us a good education.
He sent me for IIT coaching in Kota. I couldn't clear IIT but cleared AIEEE.
Today I'm earning a lot. I'm a software engineer with 7+ years of experience in IT in a big giant firm earning Rs 62 lakhs an annum. But the picture does not look like it is.
My father takes all my money.
Literally he does that.
He has been doing it for last 7 years, every single month.
He has taken my all salaries till now, 80+ months' salaries to be precise.
And his modus operandi is- he knows my monthly in hand salary after deductions, which is around 3.5 lakhs now.
He calls me around 25th of the month saying 'Don't use the salary. I need 4 lakhs this month. He asks me more than my salary, then says ‘okay you don't have this much, so give me as much as you can.’
Earlier when my salary was Rs 85,0000, he used to ask for Rs 1 lakh.
When salary became Rs 2.2 lakhs he used to ask Rs 2.5 lakhs.
I keep approx Rs 15-20,000 for myself and give the remaining to him.
Why do I give him all my money?
Because I have this feeling that whatever I am today, it's all because of him.
He went against all odds to educate us, otherwise I would have been a poor kid somewhere in my village doing farming.
The sad part is, he does not use this money for himself.
If he would have used it for his needs I would have been the happiest person. He gives loans to his relatives free of cost.
People come to my father and request that they need money for some XYZ reason. They say you have a lot of money, your son is earning so much, so please help us. My father says okay.
He calls me and says that he has given his word, now he can't step back and I will have to arrange the money. And this money never comes back.
Till now nobody has returned a single penny.
When I ask my father, he says ‘it's okay, you will earn more. They can take only your money, not your destiny.’
I'm not exaggerating but I don't have even a RO filter in my home. I spend Rs 1,500 on water.
I'm fed up with all this.
I had a discussion with my father regarding this many a times that I can't keep doing this.
He says What will you do with the money? Tell me the item you want, we will purchase it for you.
So far I have given more than Rs 1 crore. I'm such a fool.
I don't want to spoil my relationship with my father but at the same time I also want him to understand that I'm a human not a money-making machine.
The problem has started now, because now he is doing the same with my younger brother as well.
He recently started his job after college, and earns around Rs 55K.
My father takes 50K from him and has deliberately kept him with me so that we can save on rent and he can keep the money.
Till now when he was taking my money, I was not so much hurt.
But now when my brother is giving money, I can't bear it. He is a small kid who does a lot of hard work and even his money is taken away.
I cannot share this with anyone.
I keep asking myself if I'm a bad son who thinks like this about his father.
But I can see the reality which is very discouraging.
I'm not able to digest the fact that this is actually happening.
Please suggest what I should do.
Should I tell this to someone? But then the other person will think bad about my father which I don't want.
I'm lost. Please suggest me something.

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Ans: Yes, it’s possible this is a rough patch. The transition from being partners to parents often shifts emotional energy toward caregiving, survival, and responsibility. Many couples go through seasons where intimacy takes a back seat—due to stress, exhaustion, resentment, unspoken hurts, or even changing hormones. But six months of no sexual intimacy, especially when one partner is still trying, is not just a phase to wait out. It’s a signal—something deeper may be going on emotionally, physically, or relationally with your husband.

The most important thing now is to move from subtle hints to open-hearted conversation. Not confrontation, not blame. But a real, calm moment where you say something like:

"I’ve been feeling increasingly distant from you—not just physically, but emotionally. I know life has been exhausting and we’re both stretched. But I miss being close to you. I miss feeling wanted, seen, connected. Can we talk about what’s going on between us? Not to pressure or fix it overnight, but just to understand where we are?”

You're not asking for sex. You’re asking for honesty, presence, and partnership. And if your husband is emotionally closed or dismissive, it may help to involve a couple’s therapist—someone neutral who can help unpack any barriers between you two.

This isn’t just about sex. It’s about closeness, and the quiet loneliness that’s creeping in despite being married and sharing a home and child. Don’t keep absorbing that pain in silence. You deserve connection, not confusion. And your marriage deserves a chance to heal, not just survive.

You're not overreacting. You're paying attention—and that’s the first step toward change.

Ans: The longer you avoid the situation, the more painful it will become for both of you. Ghosting him may feel like self-protection, but to him, it’s abandonment—especially after the emotional bond you both developed. And more than anything, that silence feeds his worst fear: that he is unlovable.

So, what can you do? You begin with honesty, not by confessing everything at once, but by taking responsibility gently. You can say something like:
"There’s something very difficult I need to share, because I value the connection we’ve had and the kindness you’ve shown me. When we first started talking, I didn’t expect it to mean so much. I used a different name and didn’t realise who you really were until recently. That discovery shocked me, and I’ve been scared—of your reaction, of mine, of the consequences. But I also feel immense guilt, because the connection was real for me. You’ve been someone I admire deeply, and I didn’t want to disrespect or mislead you."

This is not about asking him to forgive you or continue anything. This is about closing the gap between who you were and who you are now—with courage, clarity, and care.

He may feel betrayed. He may take time to process it. He may even need space. But you will have done the right thing by coming clean. And regardless of what happens next—whether the connection continues or not—you will walk away knowing that you chose truth over fear.

Also, give yourself grace. You’re human. We all make decisions that seem easier in the moment but become difficult to carry later. What matters now is how you handle the truth—not just for him, but for your own growth and peace.

Ans: The inconsistency you feel isn’t a reflection of weakness. It’s a result of being caught between two parts of yourself—one who wants to evolve, and one who is afraid to lose the comfort of old beliefs, even if they no longer serve you. That internal conflict is heavy, especially without a guiding voice to help you sort through it. You’re not alone in that—many young adults feel exactly this way, especially those with big dreams and high sensitivity to their environment.

Rather than trying to “fix” your personality or “force” your discipline, start by restoring trust in yourself. Trust doesn’t come from perfection; it comes from showing up consistently for yourself in small, simple ways without pressure to perform. Your fear of failure and even your fear of success are both rooted in the same place: the doubt that you are enough as you are.

It’s okay to slow down. It’s okay to not have all the answers. The goal isn’t to become a different person—it’s to become more at peace with the person you are becoming. Self-leadership starts here: by choosing compassion over criticism, patience over pressure, and honesty over performance. Even if your steps are small and scattered, they are steps forward.

You don’t need external urgency to change. You need internal safety to try. So let’s shift the story you’re telling yourself. You’re not behind. You’re not broken. You are learning, growing, and unlearning decades of conditioning—and that’s not only brave, it’s transformative.

Keep going. Gently, but steadily. And every time you fall back into old patterns, remind yourself: coming back is progress too. The journey to emotional strength is not about never falling—it’s about returning to yourself, again and again, with love.

Ans: You’ve already taken some wise steps.

You’ve invested. You’ve questioned the value received. You’ve paused, not withdrawn. That’s mature thinking.

Let’s build a 360-degree response, based on your needs and plans ahead.

? Regular Plan vs Direct Plan – Your Experience Matters

– You had over 13 mutual funds under regular plans.

– You didn’t get any guidance from those associated with the fund houses.

– That’s a genuine disappointment and very valid concern.

– But this is not a problem with regular plans themselves.

– The issue lies in choosing the wrong distributor or agent.

– Regular plans offer one big benefit: personalised advisory.

– But only if it comes from a Certified Financial Planner with accountability.

– If the CFP is involved, they guide you, monitor your portfolio, and advise proactively.

– Direct funds remove the support system.

– They expect you to do research, reviews, and rebalancing yourself.

– This is risky unless you’re experienced and emotionally detached from markets.

– So don’t judge regular plans as bad.

– Choose the right person behind the plan instead.

– A MFD with CFP certification gives goal-based strategies, not product pushing.

? Why 13 Mutual Funds is Excess

– Investing in too many funds leads to portfolio overlap.

– You may have five funds holding the same stocks.

– That kills the purpose of diversification.

– It adds confusion and dilutes tracking.

– Also, too many funds don’t always mean better returns.

– In fact, performance gets harder to monitor.

– Ideally, 5 to 7 funds are enough for most goals.

– Fund count depends on goals, not market fear or FOMO.

– Less funds with proper allocation perform better than a scattered portfolio.

? Fear of Mid and Small Caps – Your Caution is Logical

– News mentions overvaluation in mid and small caps.

– It’s partially true, especially in short-term perspective.

– These funds give higher growth, but come with sharper falls.

– Since you’re planning to buy a house, you need safer growth.

– You cannot afford capital loss when you need liquidity.

– So you’re right in avoiding these for now.

– Your awareness shows maturity. That’s a strength.

? Current Funds in Direct Plan – Key Observations

– You mentioned investing in Gold Savings and Manufacturing funds.

– Both are sector-focused or thematic in nature.

– Gold fund tracks international gold prices indirectly.

– Manufacturing fund is theme-based and comes with high sector risk.

– These are not ideal for short-term or house-linked goals.

– These should not be your core portfolio.

– You should avoid thematic or sector funds unless you have other base funds.

– Since real estate purchase is likely, shift your focus to hybrid funds now.

– These offer balance between growth and safety.

– Also, they handle short-term volatility better.

? Balanced Fund Category – Ideal for Your Current Need

– You need a mix of growth and capital safety.

– Hybrid funds (also called balanced funds) offer this mix.

– They combine equity and debt in one product.

– There are types of hybrid funds: conservative, balanced, aggressive.

– Choose based on your time frame and risk comfort.

– A certified planner can help fine-tune this selection.

– These funds adjust exposure based on market mood.

– They help protect you from big shocks at redemption.

– They also reduce emotional panic during market noise.

– For home-related goals, hybrid is a sensible category to start.

? Large Caps – Don’t Judge Them on Recent Performance

– Many feel large caps are underperforming.

– But their role is different from mid or small caps.

– They bring stability, not excitement.

– In market correction, large caps fall less.

– That’s why they remain core part of any smart portfolio.

– Don’t remove them completely. Use them with right expectation.

– If you chase returns only, you’ll move portfolio every year.

– That hurts wealth creation.

– Stick with proven active large cap funds chosen via proper research.

– A fund’s past one-year return is not the right way to judge.

? Keep Your Investment House-Goal Ready

– You said you might need funds for buying another house.

– So you must avoid funds with high equity exposure now.

– Any money needed within 3 years should not go into pure equity.

– Use conservative hybrid funds or short-term debt funds instead.

– These give low-to-moderate growth with limited volatility.

– That helps you when you redeem the funds later.

– You won’t get any major shocks.

– Capital safety becomes more important than chasing returns.

– Once house purchase is done, you can take higher equity exposure again.

? Mutual Fund Portfolio Structure – Keep It Clean

Equity allocation: Choose 2 or 3 diversified active equity funds.

Hybrid allocation: Choose 1 or 2 based on time frame.

Debt allocation: If goal is near, add 1 short-term or dynamic debt fund.

Avoid sector funds, international funds, NFOs, and FOMO-driven launches.

No need to hold more than 5–7 mutual funds.

Keep one fund per category. Don’t duplicate.

Stick to regular plans only via a committed CFP.

Review every 6 months. Don’t overreact to news or media noise.

? Avoid Direct Plans – Especially When Goals Are Emotional

– Direct plans offer low expense ratio. But there is no support.

– It suits those who study markets, monitor funds, and know asset allocation.

– But most investors don’t have that time or bandwidth.

– When goals like buying a house or child education come, panic starts.

– Direct plans offer no guidance at that stage.

– A CFP helps you with exit planning, taxation, rebalancing, and goal alignment.

– Paying a little extra gives clarity, confidence, and peace of mind.

– With regular plans via CFP, you gain professional handholding.

– That is more valuable than 0.5% savings in expense ratio.

? Final Insights

– You’ve done more right things than you give yourself credit for.

– You paused SIPs. You questioned your old strategy. You stayed invested.

– That itself shows you are thinking wisely now.

– Rebuild your portfolio with 5–7 active funds only.

– Avoid direct plans. Choose regular route with a Certified Financial Planner.

– Exit from sector or thematic funds slowly, if they don’t match your goals.

– Shift towards balanced hybrid or short-term debt options for near-term goals.

– Don’t chase return percentages. Chase risk control and goal alignment.

– You will create wealth by staying invested, reviewing smartly, and getting expert support.

– Avoid being your own advisor in complex times.

– Take help. Grow steady. Stay confident.

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

Ans: Hello Nishesh
Prefer ECE; from, KCET, or COMEDK college in Bangalore over SKIT Jaipur

Good luck.
Follow me if you receive this reply.
Radheshyam

Ans: Hello Tranjeet
Please ask your query in the follow-up section for more clarity and suggestions. If your son is keenly interested in core branch, then eliminate the option of chemical @ ICT.

Ans: You’ve built a life for your kids. That’s inspiring.

Buying a house seemed right at that time. But priorities change. Kids and stability matter more now.

Your question is bold and brave. Let's create a complete action plan, covering all sides.

? Income and Financial Situation

– You earn Rs 1.2 lakh per month. That’s a strong base.

– You are a single mother. So financial discipline is even more important.

– Your home loan EMI and flat maintenance are Rs 28,000 monthly.

– You also pay rent for another house. That’s double housing cost.

– No SIPs, no insurance, and no emergency fund adds pressure.

– You have Rs 3.5 lakh in EPF. It’s not liquid, but helpful.

– You’re emotionally and financially stuck between two homes.

? Understand the Financial Drain

– The flat is lying vacant. So no rent income is coming from it.

– But maintenance and EMI continue every month.

– This is dead weight in your monthly cash flow.

– That Rs 28,000 is about 23% of your income.

– Plus, rent from your current home takes more money.

– You are losing both money and mental peace.

– You are not wrong. But now it’s time to act smart.

? Home is Not Always a Good Investment

– Many people assume a house is an “asset”.

– But if it doesn’t give income or use, it’s a liability.

– Appreciation in price is never guaranteed.

– You still owe Rs 24 lakh loan on it.

– And there is no tenant, no resale clarity, no usage.

– So the flat is not helping you build wealth or cash flow.

– This is not your fault. It’s a common mistake.

? Should You Sell the Flat?

– If you continue holding, you will bleed money monthly.

– You will delay SIPs, emergency fund, and insurance.

– You are always short of breath in your budget.

– If you sell now, even at a small loss, the burden ends.

– Your mind and money become free.

– Loss hurts now. But you’ll recover faster.

– In a few years, you’ll thank yourself for this reset.

– Sell it. Pay off the home loan fully.

? Use the Sale Wisely

– From the sale proceeds, clear the entire home loan.

– If anything remains, keep Rs 1.5–2 lakh as emergency fund.

– This is your lifeboat for future shocks.

– Don’t rush into new real estate or other risky investments.

– Protect this money like oxygen.

– Put it in a separate bank account.

– Let it stay there until you plan your investments properly.

– You can’t grow wealth without safety first.

? Don’t Fall for “It’s a Loss” Emotion

– Selling at a small loss is not failure.

– Every month you hold is a bigger invisible loss.

– Loan interest, flat maintenance, and missed investments cost you more.

– You are losing time, money, and peace monthly.

– The earlier you exit, the cleaner the slate.

– Let go with purpose, not guilt.

– This is financial self-respect.

– It’s not giving up. It’s moving forward.

? Get Basic Insurance First

– Start with term life insurance. Cover at least Rs 50 lakh to Rs 1 crore.

– You are the only earner. So this is must-have.

– Premium is low if taken early and directly.

– No need to buy investment-linked plans.

– Avoid ULIPs or endowment policies.

– Choose pure term insurance with claim settlement ratio above 95%.

– Also get family floater health insurance.

– Medical expenses can destroy years of savings.

? Start Emergency Fund Immediately

– After selling the flat, build Rs 1.5–2 lakh liquid fund.

– Keep it in a separate savings account.

– Don’t invest it. Don’t touch it for shopping.

– This is your financial safety button.

– You need 4–6 months of expenses in hand.

– EPF is not an emergency fund.

– Liquid cash gives confidence and reduces anxiety.

– It helps avoid loans and credit card usage in crisis.

? Begin SIPs Gradually

– Once flat is sold, you’ll have monthly EMI savings.

– Use that freed-up money for SIPs in mutual funds.

– Don’t go for direct funds.

– Direct funds need self-analysis, which takes time and expertise.

– Better to go through MFD backed by a Certified Financial Planner.

– They guide based on your goals, not market hype.

– Regular plans through CFPs offer tailored planning and personal attention.

– Performance difference is worth the fee.

? Avoid Index Funds for Now

– Index funds are passive. They follow the market, but give no flexibility.

– In volatile times, active funds protect downside better.

– You need risk-managed growth, not just tracking.

– Actively managed funds are researched by professionals.

– With CFP support, you get the right mix of equity and debt.

– Index funds don’t offer this personalised strategy.

– Avoid them until your goals are solid and risk is low.

? Don’t Buy Real Estate Again for Investment

– You saw it yourself—it’s not liquid.

– It blocks money and creates stress when unsold or vacant.

– Maintenance, taxes, and EMI make it expensive.

– Investment should give flexibility, growth, and liquidity.

– Mutual funds and bonds are better for wealth building.

– Never mix investment with emotion or family pressure.

– Don’t fall for “real estate is always good” myth.

– Keep your money mobile and free.

? Take Small Steps to Stabilise

– First, fix your cash flow.

– Sell the house. Pay off debt.

– Start insurance. Build emergency fund.

– Then start SIPs with just Rs 5,000 monthly.

– Even small investments grow when done regularly.

– Don’t compare with others. Run your race.

– Every step will reduce pressure on your mind.

– You will sleep better and plan better.

? Get Professional Guidance

– A Certified Financial Planner will guide goal-wise.

– They help you avoid product traps and wrong decisions.

– They give a personalised investment mix.

– They also help balance risk, insurance, tax, and retirement.

– Don’t rely only on app suggestions or blogs.

– Your situation needs hand-holding and accountability.

– With a CFP, you can focus on parenting, not portfolio alone.

– Peace of mind is the real return.

? Finally

– You are strong. You’re holding two lives together.

– Selling the flat is not weakness. It’s smart clarity.

– It opens room for savings, insurance, and future goals.

– Let go of losses now to build gains later.

– Start fresh with safety and small steps.

– You are not late. You are just about to restart.

– And this time, it will be on your terms.

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

Ans: Thank you for opening up. You’ve taken the first brave step—asking for help.

This shows you are ready to take control. That’s powerful.

Let us now build your way back—step by step.

Here’s a full 360-degree plan to bring financial stability and peace into your life.

? Understanding Your Income and Current Crisis

– Your take-home salary is Rs 1.5 lakh per month.

– After EMI payments, you are left with almost nothing.

– You have no savings or SIPs now.

– You’re short by Rs 30,000 every month.

– You're borrowing from friends and family to manage this gap.

– This is not sustainable. You know this already.

– You feel overwhelmed. But this is fixable with action.

– Let’s work together to stop the leak and rebuild slowly.

? Identify the Root of the Problem

– Two personal loans and one credit card are eating your income.

– The EMIs are too high for your current income.

– There is no room left for expenses or savings.

– Borrowing to cover basics is pushing you into deeper stress.

– First, you need to reduce monthly outflow.

– Second, you must stop new borrowing immediately.

– Third, focus only on survival and recovery right now.

– Not investment, not returns—just stability first.

? First Step: List All Your Loans and EMIs

– Write down each loan and credit card separately.

– Note the outstanding balance, interest rate, and monthly EMI.

– Also write how many months are left to repay.

– This gives clarity on what is causing the biggest drain.

– Don’t keep it in your head. Put it on paper.

– You cannot fix what you cannot measure.

– Once written, we can plan a way to restructure.

? Negotiate and Consolidate the Loans

– Contact your bank or lender. Ask to restructure the personal loans.

– Request for lower EMI with longer repayment period.

– This will reduce monthly pressure.

– Ask if they can consolidate both loans into one.

– This makes it easier to manage and track.

– If you have a good repayment record, they may agree.

– Some banks offer “loan against salary” with lower interest.

– Avoid using credit cards to pay other loans. That adds burden.

? Tackle the Credit Card First

– Credit card interest is the highest. Around 36–42% yearly.

– This is a silent killer of your money.

– Try to pay off the full amount urgently.

– If that is not possible, take a small personal loan and close it.

– A loan with 12–14% interest is better than card interest.

– Stop using the card completely for now.

– Freeze it, hide it, or delete it from apps.

– You can use it again only after financial recovery.

? Cut Down All Non-Essential Expenses

– Go through your monthly expenses line by line.

– Remove anything that is not absolutely needed.

– Cancel subscriptions, online shopping, food delivery, etc.

– Use public transport or carpool if possible.

– Inform family about your financial reset plan.

– Say “No” to social spending without guilt.

– This is temporary, but crucial for your bounce-back.

– Every Rs 500 saved gives you some breathing room.

? Emergency Fund is Gone – That’s Okay

– You said your emergency fund is already used.

– That’s exactly what it is for. So don’t feel bad.

– Once we reduce EMIs and stop borrowing, we will rebuild it.

– First goal is just to survive without taking new loans.

– Then create Rs 20,000–30,000 as new emergency buffer.

– Even Rs 5,000 per month is enough to start.

– This is your safety net when life surprises you.

? Job Change Can Help, But Not the Only Way

– You are looking for a new job. That’s good.

– A salary hike will help ease the pressure.

– But don't wait only for new job to take action.

– Job search takes time and is not always predictable.

– Start cost cutting and loan restructuring immediately.

– Once new job comes, use extra income to pay debts faster.

– Not for upgrading lifestyle again. At least not now.

? Family Support: Use It Wisely

– You are borrowing Rs 30,000 monthly from friends or family.

– This cannot go on forever. It strains relationships.

– Instead, ask for a one-time support amount.

– Use that to pay off high-interest debt (credit card, small loan).

– Promise them you won’t borrow again.

– This gives them confidence. It gives you dignity.

– Don’t ask again next month unless it's emergency.

– Honor even informal loans seriously. Trust matters.

? Avoid Emotional Purchases and Financial Guilt

– It’s easy to feel guilt for not providing luxuries to family.

– But this phase needs practical living, not perfection.

– Your self-worth is not your income or loan status.

– Kids need your time, not toys.

– Spouse needs your love, not costly gifts.

– Focus on survival now. Dreams can wait for 12 months.

– Debt freedom is the biggest gift you can give them.

? No Investments or SIPs Yet – That’s Okay

– Don’t start SIPs now. Not even small ones.

– Your focus is to reduce EMI and avoid new borrowing.

– SIPs can come later once budget is balanced.

– Starting investment without emergency fund is risky.

– Build base first, then add investments layer later.

– Don't follow social media advice blindly.

– First fix leaks. Then fill the tank.

? Use a Certified Financial Planner (CFP)

– Not a bank agent or random YouTube advice.

– A CFP will give you step-by-step, personal plan.

– They work with your exact numbers and give real options.

– Avoid direct funds or online-only apps now.

– You need human advice, not just technology.

– Regular funds with CFP-backed MFDs help with handholding.

– You don’t need fancy returns now. You need guidance.

? Psychological Reset is Important

– You said “I’ve messed up.” That’s not fully true.

– You are still earning Rs 1.5 lakh. That’s a strength.

– You are aware of the problem. That’s maturity.

– You are taking help. That’s responsibility.

– Mistakes are not failures. They are signals for course correction.

– What you do now will shape next 10 years.

– Stay calm. Stay honest. Stay consistent.

? Long-Term Actions After Recovery

– Once loans are under control, save 3 months expenses.

– After that, start SIPs for long-term goals.

– Begin with a balanced fund via CFP.

– Build retirement corpus slowly.

– Use insurance for risk protection, not for investment.

– Don’t buy ULIPs or endowment plans.

– Don’t chase high-return apps or crypto.

– Keep your money plan simple and stress-free.

? Finally

– You are not drowning. You are realising and acting.

– Cut expenses. Restructure loans. Pay off credit card.

– Avoid new loans and new EMIs.

– Pause SIPs and luxuries temporarily.

– Create 2–3 small wins each month.

– Keep written budget. Track every rupee.

– Get help from Certified Financial Planner for steady direction.

– Future is still yours to shape.

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment