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Anu Krishna |1595 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 14, 2022

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more

Question by RS on Dec 14, 2022Hindi

Hello Anu,
I am under severe confusion and frustration. Wanted to consult with some psychiatrist but then I got to know about you.
I have an issue with my father.
I'm a 29 years old working man.
My family background was not good, my father was the sole bread earner in the family of 9 including my uncle and grandparents.
But my father invested in his children.
He gave us a good education.
He sent me for IIT coaching in Kota. I couldn't clear IIT but cleared AIEEE.
Today I'm earning a lot. I'm a software engineer with 7+ years of experience in IT in a big giant firm earning Rs 62 lakhs an annum. But the picture does not look like it is.
My father takes all my money.
Literally he does that.
He has been doing it for last 7 years, every single month.
He has taken my all salaries till now, 80+ months' salaries to be precise.
And his modus operandi is- he knows my monthly in hand salary after deductions, which is around 3.5 lakhs now.
He calls me around 25th of the month saying 'Don't use the salary. I need 4 lakhs this month. He asks me more than my salary, then says ‘okay you don't have this much, so give me as much as you can.’
Earlier when my salary was Rs 85,0000, he used to ask for Rs 1 lakh.
When salary became Rs 2.2 lakhs he used to ask Rs 2.5 lakhs.
I keep approx Rs 15-20,000 for myself and give the remaining to him.
Why do I give him all my money?
Because I have this feeling that whatever I am today, it's all because of him.
He went against all odds to educate us, otherwise I would have been a poor kid somewhere in my village doing farming.
The sad part is, he does not use this money for himself.
If he would have used it for his needs I would have been the happiest person. He gives loans to his relatives free of cost.
People come to my father and request that they need money for some XYZ reason. They say you have a lot of money, your son is earning so much, so please help us. My father says okay.
He calls me and says that he has given his word, now he can't step back and I will have to arrange the money. And this money never comes back.
Till now nobody has returned a single penny.
When I ask my father, he says ‘it's okay, you will earn more. They can take only your money, not your destiny.’
I'm not exaggerating but I don't have even a RO filter in my home. I spend Rs 1,500 on water.
I'm fed up with all this.
I had a discussion with my father regarding this many a times that I can't keep doing this.
He says What will you do with the money? Tell me the item you want, we will purchase it for you.
So far I have given more than Rs 1 crore. I'm such a fool.
I don't want to spoil my relationship with my father but at the same time I also want him to understand that I'm a human not a money-making machine.
The problem has started now, because now he is doing the same with my younger brother as well.
He recently started his job after college, and earns around Rs 55K.
My father takes 50K from him and has deliberately kept him with me so that we can save on rent and he can keep the money.
Till now when he was taking my money, I was not so much hurt.
But now when my brother is giving money, I can't bear it. He is a small kid who does a lot of hard work and even his money is taken away.
I cannot share this with anyone.
I keep asking myself if I'm a bad son who thinks like this about his father.
But I can see the reality which is very discouraging.
I'm not able to digest the fact that this is actually happening.
Please suggest what I should do.
Should I tell this to someone? But then the other person will think bad about my father which I don't want.
I'm lost. Please suggest me something.

Ans:

Dear RS,

If by now you haven’t figured out that you are being used for playing the role of a good son, then when is it going to dawn on you?

It feels unreal even if your father took all that money for himself without realizing that his son needs his hard-earned money to set up his life. But here, it’s going to relatives and everywhere.

And now, it’s the turn of your brother too.

There is really no need to set this example as an older brother to just bend over backwards for your father. Instead, change the role and let your brother do the same.

Take charge of your finances and share what you deem fit with your father that covers his expenses (assuming that he is retired).

This way, you will fulfil the duty of being a good son taking care of his father. Beyond this, save your money and invest it wisely and please spend on yourself.

What will you do when you marry?

You think your wife is going to support this flow transaction of money between you and your father?

And when she tries to reason out with you, either you or your father will blame her for being selfish. In fact, she will only be looking out for your wellbeing.

So, before this gets even more murkier, make a point by sitting your father down and asserting that you are taking charge of your finances and reassuring him that he will always be taken care of.

His need to please his relatives by giving away your money has to stopped.

This might be met with a lot of resistance from your father, but you know what is to be done. Else, this will grow even with your brother and get progressively worse. So, step in NOW.