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40-Year-Old Husband Struggles with Wife's Emotional Affair: How to Forgive and Move On?

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |629 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 29, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jul 20, 2024Hindi
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Hello madam, I have been a 40-year-old married man for the last 12 years with 2 children. 6 months back I learned from call logs that my wife was in constant touch on mobile calls with another person. This stretched for 7-8 months. I confronted my wife, who assured me she would not call the person. She also informed me that she was only casually talking with the guy and nothing sexual was involved. She was speaking 2-3 times on a daily basis and call time was extended for more than 14-20 minutes. We had done counselling also and are now fine but my mind is refusing to forgive the person or my wife and sometimes I get stressed heavily and feeling anxious just thinking that my wife of 12 years had tried to move away and don't know whether such thing would get repeated.

Ans: It’s important to recognize that rebuilding trust requires effort from both partners. While counseling has helped you both move forward to some extent, it seems like the emotional impact on you hasn’t been fully addressed. This lingering anxiety and inability to forgive suggest unresolved pain and a need for deeper understanding. It might help to revisit these feelings with a professional who can focus on your perspective and guide you in processing them without blame or judgment.

Communicating openly with your wife about your fears, without accusing her, is key. Let her know how this experience continues to affect you emotionally. Explain that your concern isn’t just about what happened but also about preventing anything similar in the future. Focus on creating shared boundaries that promote trust and transparency, such as discussing emotional needs and maintaining openness about external friendships.

It’s also essential to work on reducing the anxiety that surfaces when these thoughts arise. Practice grounding techniques like deep breathing or mindfulness exercises to help calm your mind when you feel overwhelmed. Remind yourself of the positive steps you’ve both taken since the incident and the commitment you share to rebuild the relationship. By focusing on the progress you’re making as a couple, you can gradually shift your thoughts away from the past and toward a more secure future.

Finally, forgiveness is a process, not a destination. It doesn’t mean forgetting or minimizing what happened; rather, it’s about freeing yourself from the burden of resentment so that you can move forward with clarity. Take things one day at a time, and allow yourself the space to heal without pressuring yourself to “move on” before you’re ready. Trust can be rebuilt, but it requires patience, communication, and consistent effort from both partners.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  | Answer  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 18, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 16, 2023Hindi
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Hello Anuji, I am 52 and wifey at 49. In Jan 20, my wife admitted that she is in contact with her college friend since three years and she has ended it. Her college friend's wife found these contacts and threatened my wife for further consequences. Due to that threat, my terrified wife admitted on her own about her wrongdoings and asked me to forgive. It was shocking and mentally disturbing for me as I was trusting her 100% with all freedom one should give to loving spouse, but she failed. I tried to find the truth and level of that relationship. I have burned almost one year to come out of this shock. I forgive her one time for the sake of future of my children. Currently, though things are running smoothly, I do not dare to trust her 100% again. If I don't trust my wife, is there any future in my marriage? If yes, what should I do to secure my marriage even if I don't trust my wife fully?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
It is definitely difficult to trust again when the trust has been broken in the first place.
So, you need to make that call...if you want to rebuild your relationship and the reason is for the sake of the children, it might not last long. Make a decision of getting back together to first put your relationship with her in place; the children will anyway benefit from that. Having said that, this requires you to trust her...
Is it possible? Yes, though you will be continually filled with doubts and test her every move and that will not be healthy...
So, the key is that if you have decided to get back together, you must put full faith and trust back into it as hard as it may seem...But do it a 100%...give it your full...You either trust or you don't...there's no in between state here...
What might help is to have a clear conversation with your wife before you make any decision. Express how this has hurt you and how difficult you find it trusting her again. Allow her to do the talking on what she wants, what efforts she is going to put to reconcile and how things seem in the near future to her.
Gauge if there is any inadequacy that she has felt within the marriage so that this can be addressed as well.

The conversation is only a guide to the way forward and not a BEAT each other up game.

So, start your new journey knowing if you can trust, if you want to trust again...It will open up a sea of challenges and lessons to learn from.

All the best!

..Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |629 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 03, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 03, 2024Hindi
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Hi Mohit.. I am 51 year old male. We have been married for 26 years, but my wife recently confessed to me that she was in a 11 year relationship with our next door neighbour but now she has ended that relationship. Seems the way it happened 11years back is we had got shifted to a new place, she was handling situation alone (since I used to work in a different city and used to be home only during weekends and plus I admit i was always stressed in my jobs). Then she felt her parents are also not available for her.. so thats why she started 'leaning' on this next door neighbour, fell in love with him and soon got caught up in an affair with sex also involved worse, they used to meet at our place and make out in MY BED ... so anyways my wife confided in me now and admitted this because she says she ended this affair about a year back.. but seems he called her suddenly one day recently and told her he would confide about this affair to his wife (which meant that this would come in to the open and I would come to know), so my wife decide to tell me herself finally she says shes is sorry, feels lot of guilt and to forgive her, give a 2nd chance etc.. thing is there are 2 grown up children- daughter 21 years and son 17 years.. I just cannot bring myself to forgive her.. 2 things keep haunting me 1) we even went to that guys marriage (affair started @1 year before his marriage) and I feel like a fool now for attending his marriage. I used to talk to him like any neighbour would 2) Thought of them making out in my bed, and that he used to come over to my house where my children live even when nobody was at home. Besides this part, she has been a good wife, but isnt this affair too serious a thing what she has done??- she made a fool out of me for the last 10 years, isnt it? At the same time, seperation/divorce is out of the question- since it will adversely impact my children and parents.. Worse I am in the US staying alone for work, while they are in India, when she confessed this a month back. So I am all along dealing with this pain, anger and hurt. My head tells me to forgive her and move on, but my heart just cannot forget this and I keep getting images of them together.. Pls help me how to process my hurt, anger and pain.
Ans: Dear Mohit,
I understand how deeply hurt and betrayed you feel. It's incredibly painful to learn about such a long-term affair, especially with someone you trusted. Your emotions are valid, and it's natural to feel overwhelmed by anger, hurt, and confusion.

Your wife's confession, although a step towards honesty, doesn't erase the betrayal or the pain you're experiencing. It's important to acknowledge your feelings and give yourself the time and space to process them. Being away from home might provide a necessary distance to reflect, but it also makes it harder to deal with the situation directly.

Talking to a therapist could help you navigate through these emotions. They can offer you a safe space to express your feelings and help you find ways to cope with the hurt and anger.

When you're ready, having an honest conversation with your wife about how you feel and what you need moving forward is crucial. Open communication can be painful but necessary for any kind of healing or decision-making process.

Your concern for your children's well-being is understandable, and it's clear that their happiness is a priority for you. However, remember that their well-being also depends on having parents who are emotionally healthy and stable.

Take care of yourself during this time. Engage in activities that bring you comfort and peace. Focus on your well-being and consider what you want for your future. Forgiveness and healing are personal journeys, and it's okay if it takes time to figure out the best path forward.

..Read more

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Shalini

Shalini Singh  |171 Answers  |Ask -

Dating Coach - Answered on Sep 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 02, 2025Hindi
Relationship
Hi, I am 32M. I never had any relationships in the past...One sided was there but I overcame it and focused on my work. One day in gym i came across a girl 23F, we connected on insta and started chatting. Eventually we fell in love, I know this doesn’t sound good due to the age gap. We dated, had good times and emotionally connected with each other a lot. Now while discussing something, she revealed that she is not a virgin. There was a guy in her society she met around 3 years back (when she was 19) and she was in one sided love with him. They never confessed their love to each other. And she is not in touch with him anymore it was long back. Also she said she had made out with another guy whom she met 1 month back during her classes, prior to meeting me. I was really hurt to listen all these. Like how all these things she is doing at this age. I accepted her and then we had good 2 months again. After 2 months, I got to know she was following the first guy on insta. When confronted she said she used to like to see him and his girlfriend together. She was really not in touch with the guy but she was just following him. It was hurtful to me. We had a big fight on this. They used to share intimate pics with each other too. After forcing her to tell everything about her past, she told that she used to flirt with lot of boys. First in junior college with best friend she shared intimate pics, then met with the guy she lost virginity with, then she met another friend she shared pics with. Then in last year, in classes she shared pics with friend, then again with someone and then she had a crush on some guy with whom she made out. She was connected with them on insta. Like no talks but she was following them and they followed her too. There were almost 6-7 guys she used to talk as friend and has shared intimate pics and she called it flirting. I was shocked to hear all these. I am still shocked. This is out of my mind. It is very difficult to accept that few boys have intimate pics of my girlfriend. She has been very very loyal to me since we are together. She never got this kind of love in her life. She is really super happy in this relationship. We are emotionally connected a lot. I have treated her like a child and I love her a lot. She comes from a good family. She says she has been in wrong circle and all her friends are like this only. She cried a lot and she regrets it deeply like what she has done and she wants to get out of all these. But if feel, a persons character never changes. There will be so cold moments in relationships In future, will she be able to manage herself and stay honest. I really doubt a lot. She is really good at heart like a family girl but her past is really really terrible I feel. I feel, even though I love her will I be able to accept her past. Do I deserve this ? Do my family deserve this ? But again I think of risking it all because she is really invested in this relationship and I feel very bad to break her heart. I come from a very traditional background and believe in sacred and pure form of love. But I feel I got trapped in something which I can’t leave and can’t have whole heartedly. I am not able to focus on my work and everything. It’s hurting me a lot. Should I accept her ac she is or moving on will be better for both of us, even though it might break her heart.
Ans: Why are you thinking about the past, doing so you are messing up your now.
If you trust the person then do so 100% - let it not be half-baked.
Wishing you the best.

...Read more

Nayagam P

Nayagam P P  |10720 Answers  |Ask -

Career Counsellor - Answered on Sep 02, 2025

Career
Hello sir.... I wanted to pursue ba/bsc psychology from a rci approved college but I don't have any clearity that what should be right. Since I have passed 12th in this year only I have given my cuet but my marks where not that good to get into any college I have filled the form of Calcutta University where I can get addmission through my 12th marks that is 72% overall but I didn't get into any as I'm from general category and cut offs are high.. mop up rounds are still yet to happen. But I talked there.. there are barely some colleges which are serious about teaching psychology and I don't think I can get into some good college that's why I'm thinking to take a drop I don't want to still and abhi bhi looking for some colleges which maybe have seat vacant so that I can try to get into that.. i don't have any clarity regarding which is good govt college because I can't afford private colleges whose fees is that high for pursuing psycology if I'm taking a gap year
Ans: Ayushi, With 72% in Class XII, you meet eligibility for most RCI-approved undergraduate psychology programs, which typically require 50–55% in PCM/Science or Humanities and English proficiency. The Rehabilitation Council of India (RCI) mandates that psychology graduates from approved institutions can register as professionals, so ensure the college holds RCI recognition or operates under a parent university with RCI-approved syllabi.

In West Bengal, government options are limited. The closely watched University of Calcutta offers a three-year BA Psychology through its morning shift at Ashutosh College and evening shift at Surendranath College with cutoffs often around 80% in general category. Vacancy rounds sometimes dip to 70–72%, so mop-up rounds could open seats. Rabindra Bharati University provides BA Psychology via merit; its cutoff hovers near 75%. Vidyasagar University in Midnapore and North Bengal University at Jalpaiguri offer BSc Psychology with lower cutoffs (65–70%), making them accessible.

Government colleges in Northern India include University of Delhi’s Cluster Innovation Centre and Gargi College, both offering BA Psychology admissions purely on Class XII marks. Their cutoffs range from 85–90%, so direct admission is unlikely at 72%, though invitation to waitlists in niche sections (e.g., evening courses) can occur. Banaras Hindu University’s BSc Psychology has a 70–75% cutoff in mop-up rounds. Panjab University (Chandigarh) and Punjab University (Patiala) allow 65–70% entries in BSc Psychology programs. University of Lucknow and Aligarh Muslim University also admit on board marks, often requiring 70–75%.

Affordable private institutions in West Bengal with RCI-approved curricula include St. Xavier’s College, Kolkata, which conducts its own merit list and lowers cutoffs to 72% in later rounds. Presidency University also admits psychology undergraduates through its merit list. In North India, Christ University (Bengaluru campus) and Amity University offer scholarships to board-mark entrants drops seats for those without CUET scores, but fees remain higher. DAV College, Chandigarh, and Maitreyi College, Delhi, provide BA Psychology at moderate fees (?30,000–40,000 per year) based on 12th marks.

Practical Roadmap and Solutions
Track Mop-Up Rounds and Merit Lists: Immediately monitor UC, Rabindra Bharati, Presidency, and St. Xavier’s websites daily for vacancies. Prepare scanned documents for swift online submission.

Apply to Multiple Institutes: Simultaneously apply to Vidyasagar University, North Bengal University, BHU, Panjab University, and Lucknow University in their ongoing merit-based admission windows. Their lower cutoffs increase chances.

Secure Waiting-List Positions: For high-demand colleges like Calcutta University and Delhi University, join all available waitlists, including evening programmes, which often have softer cutoffs.

Explore Evening/Shift Courses: Many reputed institutions offer evening or self-financed sections with relaxed cutoffs. Investigate Ashutosh College evening shift, DU evening courses, and PU self-financed sections.

Financial Planning for Private Colleges: Shortlist affordable options Inquire about scholarships or fee-installment plans at DAV College Chandigarh and Maitreyi College to help mitigate costs.

Bridge Courses and Summer Programs: As you finalize admissions, consider enrolling in online certificate courses in introductory psychology, research methods, and statistics from platforms like NPTEL or Coursera to enhance your portfolio.

Consider Gap-Year Strategy: If no suitable seat materializes by mid-October, plan a structured gap year focused on significantly improving CUET scores. Engage in disciplined self-study with coaching for CUET’s aptitude, English, and psychology modules.

CUET Preparation: Develop a timetable allocating two hours daily for CUET Psychology syllabus (foundations, developmental, abnormal, social, and research methods) and one hour for General English and Logical Reasoning. Use previous years’ CUET papers and take weekly mocks to track progress.

Alternate Entrance Exams: Some private universities conduct their own entrance tests (Christ University’s CUCET, Amity’s AUEET). Register for these supplementary exams to widen your admission avenues.

Mentorship and Counseling: Seek guidance from academic mentors or a career counselor to evaluate admission offers, financial implications, and long-term career trajectories in clinical, counseling, or research psychology.

By following this multipronged approach—pursuing merit-based vacancies, evening/self-financed programs, affordable private colleges, and preparing for CUET retake if required—you can maximize your chances of enrolling in an RCI-approved psychology UG programme without forfeiting a year.

Exhaust mop-up and merit-based admission options in government and reputed private colleges by mid-October, while preparing a robust CUET retake plan during a potential gap year to secure admission into top-tier psychology programs. All the BEST for a Prosperous Future!

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