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I'm Feeling Guilty After My Wife's Death - What Should I Do?

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1683 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 18, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Oct 16, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

Dear Gurus, I lost my wife in 2022 reason was unknown as biopsy was denied by in laws.We had long cold fight for 1year.In between I had relationship with 2 women.I was intimating with them simultaneously.she was knowing everything.when she died police and doctor said it was natural death. but I am feeling guilty as I think she lost her life because of me .I have started my new life but couldn’t able to forgot the pain of her.I am not feeling happy now since her lost.what should I do to get away with the guilt.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I am so sorry for your loss. It is painful...
The guilt that you carry is not useful as you will carry the burden without actually receiving anything good at the end of it. It will keep you busy in a never-ending loop of sadness, doubts and more unanswered questions.
Instead of thinking what you should have done, why don't you think of how you can recall the good times with her and remember her for the good person that she was...
Guilt is not going to change the past BUT how you change the way you think about the past and your wife can help you ease into the situation. Celebrate your wife and her memories...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1683 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 22, 2023

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Relationship
Hi, I am 45 years old man married with two kids. I got into relationship with a married colleague 5 years back. She got divorced. I am not sure if our relationship was the reason for the divorce. I wanted to divorce my wife and get married to my colleague. But then during pandemic I and my colleague were physically separated. Not sure if the separation helped her realise our relationship was not going anywhere or it was not right. She called and told me that I scarred her life and didn’t want to keep in touch with me. Since then I am not in touch with her. I made attempts to but she blocked me totally. She’s in the same town but I never made an attempt to forcefully meet her. She didn’t marry again so far and don’t what’s happening in her life. But I feel guilty did I spoil her life? I really love her but if I really did why did I not know where this all will end up. I don’t think I was the reason for her break up because she developed friendship with me when her marriage was not going well. I don’t know if it was error of judgment, feel so guilty about the whole situation. Since I have been in relationship with her, never had a sexual relationship with my wife and even I don’t. Don’t know if it’s my failed or failing marriage is whole reason for this . I feel terribly guilty for my ex colleague’s situation. It’s eating me up. I question my own character, am I a sexual predator? I lose my sleep about this and not able come to terms. Need your advice, do I need a see a therapist and what kind?
Ans: Dear Rajesh,
You have the choice of playing the 'victim' or move on with life accepting things for the way they are!
Why you stepped out of marriage or why your married colleague entered into a relationship with you or why she walked out of it or why she blames you.
These WHYs will only keep making you go in circles. You need answers to these only if the two of you are still going to be involved. When that chapter of your life is over, why mull over it? This is playing the 'victim', feeling sorry for yourself and feeling guilty and trying to go back in time and thinking of what you could have done to have a different outcome. As long as these WHYs help you move on, it's fine, but if it's only going to mess with your mind and send you on a wild goose chase, kindly STOP! Sexual predator as you call yourself is just a label you choose to carry after the accusation made by your colleague after she called the relationship off. So, she takes the call and then blames you and then you decide to carry the guilt for what two consenting adults decided when they were in a relationship. Quit this mindset and seriously MOVE ON!

Can you instead focus on where your life is now and what you can do to make it better?
Indulge in a new hobby and make a few new friends and be with your family that loves you. Spend time with your children who will fill your life with a lot of happiness.
Soon, when you are ready, things might open up for a new relationship then.
So release the OLD and welcome the NEW.

Best wishes!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1683 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 05, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 03, 2024Hindi
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Hello madam I a 32 year old married man with a kid , who is 6 years old. I have done arrange marriage with my own decision I agreed to my parents for the marrige at that time I was in a casual relationship with a girl I didn't said anything to the girl and get married to someone else. After that I tried to live a happay life with my wife without thinking about the girl whom I left behind, from outside I tried to be happy with my wife but my wife thought doesn't matches with me so I felt so disturbed from inside. Still I was trying to continue the relationship for sake of our child but suddenly I got my ex love contact and I was so happy that after so long time I got a chance to talk to her, I have tried to meet her but she always refused to meet me because she was in a relationship. I tried many times and due to some misconduct I again lost her for the second time. At this moment when she is not with me her thoughts memories are troubling me so much I am in pain, what am I suppose to do to get rid of the pain?? Please help
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
There is no point wanting a 'past' relationship just because you have one...what if that relationship did not exist, you would have possibly made efforts to make your marriage work, right?
Then do just that...DO NOT treat your marriage as an option...which marriage is a perfect one? And are all spouses tailor-made to fit one another?
So, if her thoughts don't match with yours, then even yours don't match with hers...so, should she also think of jumping into some other relationship. Please act mature about this especially with a child in the entire equation; try and understand each other...speak about your differences and find ways of working on them by accepting them. Ex-love etc looks all very nice, but come down to ground reality; please...work on your marriage!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |629 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 25, 2025

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Off late ( 4-5 months ) iam experiencing extreme anxiety during flying. It was not there before. Also the recent airline accident and reading news reports about flight technical snags are adding to my worry. My job profile requires me frequency travel and i cannot avoid it. Can you pls advice me on some relaxation techniques or methods to calm myself while flying.
Ans: Hello Krish,
The important thing to remember is that flying itself remains one of the safest modes of travel, and your anxiety, while very real, is more about perception than actual risk.
When you notice anxiety rising before or during a flight, try focusing on your breathing first. A simple technique is the 4–7–8 method: inhale through your nose for 4 counts, hold for 7 counts, and exhale slowly through your mouth for 8 counts. This helps calm the body’s stress response. Pairing this with progressive muscle relaxation — gently tensing and releasing muscles from your feet upwards — can give your mind something to focus on and reduce the physical tension that comes with anxiety.
Visualization also works well. Before your flight, close your eyes and imagine yourself boarding calmly, settling into your seat, and landing smoothly at your destination. During the flight, picture a safe, steady path in the sky, like a road, reminding yourself that turbulence is just like bumps on that road — uncomfortable, but not dangerous.
Practical steps help too. Limit caffeine or heavy news consumption before you fly, carry calming music, podcasts, or even guided meditations on your phone, and try to keep your mind occupied with a book, work, or even puzzles. Some people find comfort in talking briefly to flight attendants — their calm and routine presence can be reassuring.
If your anxiety feels overwhelming or keeps getting worse despite these methods, it may help to work with a therapist trained in cognitive-behavioral techniques for phobias. Even a few focused sessions can equip you with tools to manage the fear more effectively.

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |10334 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Aug 25, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 25, 2025Hindi
Money
Hi Sir, I am 42 years old with 60K monthly salary. Have one child in 8th class. As far as saving is concerned, having LIC of Rs.2.5K monthly for last 2 years and SIP monthly Rs.3.5K for last 8 months. Have 2 Lac in FD. Can I afford a home loan EMI for at least 20-25 years? How can I plan my financial strategies after home loam EMI burden? Please suggest.
Ans: You have taken very good steps already with SIP and FD. Your intent to own a house and at the same time secure your family’s future is appreciable. With proper planning you can handle a home loan and also balance other goals. Let us look at your situation from a 360-degree perspective.

» Current income and expenses
– Your monthly income is Rs 60,000.
– Existing commitments are Rs 2,500 LIC and Rs 3,500 SIP.
– That means Rs 6,000 is already going into savings.
– You still have Rs 54,000 left for household expenses, EMI, and other savings.
– This gives you capacity to plan EMI if done carefully.

» LIC policy assessment
– LIC investment is small but not effective for wealth creation.
– Traditional LIC plans give low returns, sometimes lower than inflation.
– Since you are in second year only, surrendering and reinvesting is better.
– The amount can be moved to mutual funds for higher growth.
– Protection should be taken separately through pure term insurance.

» SIP and FD assessment
– Current SIP of Rs 3,500 is a good start.
– At your age and goals, SIP amount needs to be increased.
– FD of Rs 2 lakh is good for emergency buffer.
– But FD is not suitable for long-term wealth creation.
– You must maintain part for emergencies but shift extra to mutual funds.

» Home loan affordability
– A safe EMI limit is 30 to 35% of income.
– For you, that is around Rs 18,000 to Rs 21,000 per month.
– If EMI goes much higher, family cash flow will suffer.
– You need to balance EMI with child’s future and retirement.
– A 20 to 25-year loan is possible but keep EMI affordable.

» Risk of higher EMI burden
– Higher EMI blocks your monthly income.
– It reduces ability to invest for child education and retirement.
– If income rises steadily, EMI burden becomes manageable.
– But depending only on future salary growth is risky.
– Always choose EMI that you can pay even in tough times.

» Emergency fund before loan
– Emergency fund is vital before taking a home loan.
– It should cover at least 6 months of expenses including EMI.
– Your FD of Rs 2 lakh is not enough.
– Build this reserve before committing to loan.
– It will give confidence and safety during emergencies.

» Insurance protection
– Home loan adds large liability to your family.
– You must have adequate life insurance through pure term policy.
– This ensures family can repay loan if something happens to you.
– Health insurance is also very important.
– These covers reduce stress when EMI is running.

» Child education planning
– Your child is in 8th class.
– Within 4 to 5 years, higher education cost will start.
– This is a high priority goal along with home.
– Education cost inflation is very high.
– You must allocate SIP for this goal separately.

» Retirement planning
– You are 42 now and have about 18 years to retire.
– Retirement corpus needs long-term disciplined investing.
– Many people ignore retirement while paying EMI.
– If you delay, you may face shortage later.
– Even small SIPs now can grow large in long term.

» Role of equity mutual funds
– Equity mutual funds create wealth for long-term goals.
– They help fight inflation and build retirement corpus.
– Active funds give professional management and growth opportunity.
– Index funds cannot protect during market falls.
– Actively managed funds have better risk management for your goals.

» Debt mutual funds for balance
– Debt funds provide stability in portfolio.
– They are useful for near-term goals like child’s higher studies.
– They are also good for systematic transfers into equity funds.
– Gains are taxed as per income slab, but stability matters more.
– Balancing debt and equity avoids excess volatility.

» Regular vs direct funds
– Direct funds seem cheaper but they lack guidance.
– With direct funds, you miss the support of Certified Financial Planner.
– Mistakes in timing or allocation may ruin your goals.
– Regular funds with CFP monitoring ensure disciplined strategy.
– The small cost difference is worth the expert advice and reviews.

» Balancing EMI and investments
– Do not commit entire surplus to EMI.
– Keep part of surplus for SIPs in mutual funds.
– This balances house goal with education and retirement goals.
– House is important but should not block your other future needs.
– Balanced approach reduces financial stress later.

» Systematic plan for you
– Keep emergency fund of at least 6 months expenses.
– Maintain affordable EMI within 30% of salary.
– Take sufficient term insurance to cover loan and family needs.
– Increase SIPs gradually for child education and retirement.
– Review portfolio annually with a Certified Financial Planner.

» Psychological balance
– Owning a home gives comfort but EMI brings pressure.
– Proper planning gives peace of mind.
– Splitting resources between EMI, SIP, and insurance balances responsibilities.
– With discipline, you can handle loan and other goals together.
– Confidence grows when you see both home and investments progressing.

» Tax awareness with investments
– Equity fund long term gains above Rs 1.25 lakh taxed at 12.5%.
– Short term gains taxed at 20%.
– Debt fund gains taxed as per slab.
– Planning redemptions across years can reduce tax impact.
– This will be important when you withdraw for education.

» Importance of yearly review
– Your income, expenses and goals will change with time.
– Loan balance and investments need tracking every year.
– Rebalancing ensures right mix of debt and equity.
– Regular review prevents drift and keeps you on track.
– CFP guidance is essential for this monitoring.

» Currency impact for education
– If your child studies abroad, currency impact will matter.
– Rupee tends to weaken against USD and GBP.
– This increases future cost of overseas education.
– Equity funds can help manage this inflation.
– Some international funds may be considered later for currency hedge.

» Finally
– You can afford a home loan with careful planning.
– Keep EMI around 30% of your income.
– Build emergency fund and take term insurance before loan.
– Surrender LIC and move money to mutual funds.
– Balance EMI with SIPs for child education and retirement.
– Stick to active funds and regular plans with CFP support.
– With discipline and yearly reviews, you can own a house and also secure future.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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