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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1617 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 22, 2022

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Anonymous Question by Anonymous on Nov 22, 2022Hindi
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Relationship

Hi. I recently got married in an arranged setup. 
I feel like my wife -- who is the youngest of the lot among her five sisters -- is quite emotionally distant from me. She neither likes to talk to me much nor engages with my parents. But as I noticed, she is constantly on call/text with her sisters and mother. It also occurred to me that she shares all the nitty-gritty of our relationship with her family -- which felt like an invasion of my privacy. I don't want my parents to worry about this as they are old, so I assured them it will be alright. She, on other hand, said that things are just ok as they are. This left me bumfuzzled. I am worried if I made a mistake marrying this person. 

Ans:

She seems rather detached.

Explain that you would like her to be more involved in the marriage and share more of an equation with you.

Ask if she is comfortable in your home. Listen to what she has to say; if there are any complaints, address them.

It sounds like you live with your parents, and at the onset let me tell you that is usually a mistake. Particularly in an arranged set-up, where she has to adjust to not one but three people with whom there is little emotional attachment from the start.

Your problem should not be her sharing her life with her own family; that is unfair. Why not, if she is expected to share her home with yours? Because you're a man?

But yes, you should actively try to establish a warmer relationship with your wife. Being kind, open and compromising will go a long way in having her open up to you.

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1617 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 27, 2022

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Relationship
Hi, Warm Greetings!! Myself Rushabh (30) and my wife (29) -- she is an adopted child as her mother passed away while giving birth to her and her sister. They are twins with a minute's gap and her father got married to another woman. Later in 2012, her stepfather died and she was living with her stepmother. We both come from middle-class families. We being prospects for marriage our families were going through multiple biodatas every week. In this process, we shortlisted each other and decided to meet in person. Initially, we both met only once where I was impressed with her personality, optimism, communication skills, her matured behaviour, and decision-making skills. Post the first meeting we told our decisions to our families. Then both the families met and they decided the next course of action, i.e., our engagement date. In July 2021 we got engaged during COVID-induced lockdown. Considering my job and the distance we lived at, we could only meet on Sundays and used to have 2 to 3 hours long phone calls every night. Either way, she barely spoke to me and made me speak all the time and I told her everything about me. As she wasn't speaking much, my family thought that she might be an introvert and a bit hesitant to talk so we ignored it. We got married in November 2021. Now, it has been 2½ months since we got married. For the first 15 - 20 days we didn't bother her and allowed her to get settled in her new life and new home. Then eventually my mom started giving her small chores, which she couldn't perform, which is fine since she has not done any chore before. But now based on her behaviour I think she does not want a change or learn anything new. Honestly, we were not aware of her behaviour with her mom, nor of management skills and, her routine at her maternal home. Her behaviour is not like any normal girl of her age. She behaves like a child and gets amused by silly and normal things. When the whole family is hanging out together she doesn’t talk at all. When we talk about general things she takes it negatively on herself, she doesn’t even eat properly, nor speak about her likes and dislikes in any aspect with even me. She never expresses herself in any way and rather takes everything negatively, which has made us more cautious and worried as to what to speak in front of her or what to tell her. So we individually (I, my mom, dad and sister) started to confront her gently and guide her in everything from scratch (like we teach a toddler) but she is not responding at all.We don't know whether she is doing this intentionally or not. On top of it when she talks to anyone apart from the 4 of us she speaks in a very mature and practical manner that no one can ever second guess her behaviour with us. Considering our ages, I am afraid that our relationship might be jeopardized because of her behaviour. She had thought multiple times to end her life or to call a meeting with all elders and get separated (she gave me an indirect hint). This is much worrisome for all of us as nobody can cope with the situation in the hand.I will be able to explain everything in much more detail if we can connect over a phone call or we can meet virtually/in-person.
Ans:

Dear RR,

This possibly could be because of being emotionally cut off at birth from her mother.

Now, I am unaware of the relationship that she shares with her stepmother and the way that she was raised.

Was that relationship where her stepmother was emotionally always available to her?

Or did she feel cut off yet again?

Maybe this feeling of being cut off repeatedly explains why she might not want to develop very strong bonds with you and your family members for the fear of losing each of you and going through that pain all over again.

That’s why she might relate better to people that she isn’t close to as she has nothing to lose.

Time for her to resolve those unresolved emotions and the drama that flows with it; better NOW than later.

Can you speak with her and have her work with a therapist? It will help as it will set her free and recreate a new bond within your marriage.

Kindly reach out on an email, if you need my expertise.

Thank you and all the best!

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Love Guru

Love Guru   |213 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Jan 09, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 04, 2023Hindi
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I got married in the year 2013 and it was an arranged marriage planned by my parents. I have only one sister who got married in the year 2012. My wife has some issues with my mother and my sister few months after I got married. The primary issue was that my mother and my sister do back biting about her on mobile phone. Although I always denied it and asked my wife to don't focus too much on it. However, last year my wife got call recordings from my mother's phone where my sister was talking meanly about my wife which even I did not like it. I called my wife and brother in law to my place to resolve the differences and it resulted in a better relationship. We recently moved to our newly built house and on the day of the function, my wife saw from a distance my mother and my sister talking to each other in a low tone. She thought they were again talking about her and she got angry. However, my mother denied it and said they were talking about some other issues. My sister came to our place few days after the function and my wife did not talk properly with her. That made my mother angry and she in turn did not talk well with my mother in law who came to our house just recently. Now my wife and mother don't talk to each other and the vibes are quite bad when I enter the house. What can I do to make these complex relations work better?
Ans: What you could have done when you got married was move into your own home. Instead, when you got the chance to move to a new residence, you opted to live with your parents yet again! This ridiculous patriarchal mentality of a woman having to adjust to her husband’s whole family is the cause of most marital strife! You want things to improve, put some distance between them and move out! Ever heard that absence makes the heart grow fonder?

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |599 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Dec 09, 2024

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I got married 3 months ago. My wife and I live in two different countries, with a 12-hour time zone difference. During the 10 months we spent getting to know each other before marriage, she never initiated a call or message, but whenever I did, she spoke to me nicely, like once or twice a week. During those calls, she never opened up emotionally and was unable to answer questions like how she felt about this marriage or about me. She always talked about superficial, basic things. After the marriage ceremony and honeymoon, she went back to her country and I stayed in mine. During the 1.5 months we spent together, I felt that whatever preferences I shared with her in terms of dressing, holidays, plans, etc., she didn't bother much to fulfill them to make me happy. For the first two weeks of long-distance relationship (LDR), we spoke for 30 minutes once a week. I shared with her that, in order to have a strong relationship, we need to put more effort and make time for each other, to which she replied that she gets busy with work and family. She said that because I live alone, I’m thinking too much, and that she is already talking to me for 30 minutes, so what else can she do. This made me feel like I’m the only one interested in this marriage and she just wanted the married status, but didn’t really want to work on the relationship. Since then, I sort of tested her by escalating things, like suggesting she move to my country so we could stay together. When she refused, I said I didn’t want to wait 2-3 years until I move to her country if I didn’t have a strong marriage. Then I escalated further by asking her to sign a prenup, because all this while, she hadn't been bothered about what I was saying regarding valuing this marriage and me. I was thinking, if she continues like this, then what type of marriage will I have? How can I have kids with a woman who doesn’t prioritize what her husband needs? Now we are discussing divorce, as I don’t want to waste both of our time. What went wrong here? Is it worth saving? If we get second chance, how to make it better?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I am very sorry to hear you are in such a tough spot. While prioritizing your partner's needs is important, it doesn't mean you or her cannot have individual needs or lose your individuality. I just wanted to set this straight before getting into the real issue. Having said that, I do not think what she is doing is fair to you. There is no set amount of time a couple should spend with each other to build a strong relationship; each couple has a different style of expressing love. But in your relationship, since you have repeatedly mentioned needing more time together, it is truly unfair that you didn't get that or the emotional connection you craved. With everything that happened, and your partner being so indifferent, the decision to separate seems like the right one. If the relationship has to be saved, it has to be both your decision and both of you need to put effort into saving it. But after reading your entire question, I am not sure if your partner will be willing to put in the same effort as you. The most you can do here is have one last open talk with her; let her know that you are willing to give this a second chance only if both of you can meet each other halfway. But if she still seems unconcerned about it, I would suggest you think really hard before getting into this again. You deserve someone who can love you the way you love them. Divorce is not easy but it is better than being stuck in an unhappy marriage.

Hope this helps.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |600 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 28, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 25, 2025Hindi
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Hi, I am 28 years old, about to get engaged in couple of months. It's an arranged marriage. Before that I met with the girl. At our first meeting, she was little shy and hesitant at first but still we were able to have a good conversation. However after that, as usual parents wanted an answer and without beating around the bush, we agreed. We went out once for lunch once and it was good. We got to know each other a little. But after that it's mostly chats. It's like I always start the conversation and end it. She may want to take things little slow which I respect. I am an introvert person, but at least I try to have a conversation. But even the chats feels like an interview round, she doesn't even ping me or calls me. Even I asked her if she has a boyfriend or is she happy with the marriage which she responded positively. That was a sigh of relief. Last we talked was on Valentine's day where we exchanged gifts and had some chats. But after that no more talks till now. For a month I stopped texting her as it always seems I am always eager to talk and also to check whether she will revert back, but not once in a month she called or texted me. Isn't she a little bit curious to know me? Now I feel tired to always ping her and asks her about her daily life. Maybe it seems like I am putting a lot of effort or maybe I am overthinking, but I just want to assure myself that I am taking the right decision. Sometimes I even feel if this marriage will work out or not. It's like I am taking a huge gamble on my life and letting destiny decide my faith.
Ans: A relationship, even in its early stages, should not feel like a duty. While some people do take time to open up, a complete lack of initiation from her side raises important concerns. Communication is not just about words; it’s also about effort, interest, and a willingness to connect. If she truly wanted to get to know you, even at a slow pace, there would be at least some level of curiosity or effort from her side.

It’s good that you gave space to see if she would reach out, but her silence for an entire month speaks volumes. This is not about overthinking—it’s about acknowledging your feelings and recognizing whether the emotional energy you are investing is being reciprocated. If she is this distant now, it’s fair to wonder whether this pattern will continue after marriage.

Rather than silently carrying these doubts, it would be best to have an open conversation with her. Express your feelings calmly and ask her directly about her thoughts on the relationship. It’s important to know whether she is truly interested or just going along with the marriage out of obligation. Clarity now can save you from deeper emotional struggles later.

Marriage is a lifelong commitment, and both partners should walk into it with confidence, not just because it was arranged or expected. If her response still feels indifferent or passive, you have every right to reconsider. This is your life, and you deserve a partner who values building a connection as much as you do.

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