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My mom keeps bringing up my interfaith marriage during arguments. How do I handle it?

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1612 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 21, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Aug 15, 2024Hindi
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Hi mam, I got married 3 years before to a guy of another religion. My family (dad passed away before 5 years before) didnt agree for 2 years but after 2 years they allowed me to get married to him. He agreed to all conditions put forth by my mom( like handling all expenses of wedding, holding the wedding within 2 weeks during covid time and so mang others). Everything is fine now. But the issue is whenever we argue about anything my mom starts talking about my marriage. She starts saying you betrayed your amily, you will suffer for that, you destroyed our family and so on.. My husband and me does everything my mom asks to but still she talks very rudely about my marriage when we have an argument. I really dont know how to handle the situation. I really try not to talk back but her words are truly hurting.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
At times, when people do not want to understand, they will not understand. That's what is happening with your mother; she is stuck in her beliefs and that is her truth...why challenge it? Why worry about what she's not accepting rather than what she accepts?
Let her be and possibly someday she will get around to accept your life. Be patient...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/
Asked on - Aug 22, 2024 | Answered on Aug 22, 2024
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Thank you so much mam
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
You are totally welcome:)

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1612 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 14, 2021

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Dear mam, I am married for 14 yrs. Love marriage. I used to work earlier but quit because my husband was earning well and he said he will take care of me and my son. We used to be a happy couple but during the lockdown my mother-in-law and sister-in-law decided to move in with us. Slowly they started creating issues between my husband and me often badmouthing my behaviour or complaining about me. I was unaware about it until recently when we had a big fight. That’s when I realised that they have been planning to drive me out of the house and get him married to someone else whom they can manipulate. It’s been over a year now that my husband is not even talking to me properly. I went and stayed with my parents for some time but even they feel I am a burden and should adjust and accommodate instead of giving them reasons to fight. They don’t understand that all this is politics. Now my husband is talking to some girl whom I don’t like. That is causing more problems and fights between us. Anything I say is used against me now. Please help me mam. What to do?
Ans: Dear R, why did they start to create issues between you and your husband?

What led to this? It rarely happens that people go after people with no reason.

Did you have any reservations about them coming and staying over?

Did you express it in some form to them? (Ask these to yourself so that you know that any act on your part did not lead to this situation. Of course, nothing justifies their plotting to get their son married behind your back).

If the answer to this is NO, then it's time to confront your husband, get a mediator and put things on the table.

What does he want? What do you want?

Do you both want to continue in this marriage?

What are his responsibilities towards your son?

These need to be addressed without anymore delay. Being in a limbo state is not fun as it keeps you guessing and the uncertainty can cause a lot of stress.

Also, kindly sensitise your parents towards what you are going through, so that support you in this time of need.

Act NOW and whatever you decide, put yourself first and take care of you emotional state of mind.

Best wishes!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1612 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 08, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 07, 2024Hindi
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Hello, I am 31 years old.. married for one and a half year, it was an arranged marriage, when my father came he was well and clear that my daughter studies or works for long hours she don’t like household chores but she earns well so can pay for help.. that time my mother in law was all happy and said I will help her, she’ll be like my child and all that... my husband also used to assure me that you will be treated really well, if you are working no body gonna point out, we are very modern. My mother in law is very modern she used to wear jeans and shorts and her Devrani lived in ghunghat... My mother in law hates everyone in her family, devarani, jethani, nanad, her own late mother in law father in law, her own mother, father, brothers, sisters, their spouses, their children... everyone. Yet my husband doesn’t understand she is doing wrong, I come from a big family... people fight and next day come back together... here it’s very very hard to survive in this negativity. Once I went home, because here I wasn’t getting enough time to study due to household chores... then behind me she created scenes telling .. your wife has disrespected me, didn’t eat anything for 15-20 days then my husband got angry on me... we fought and he blocked me, no contact between us for months. My parents came once to talk but she was too loud and insulting that they got sure we are NOT sending back our daughter to such house. Then our relatives interfered, sat together and found out there was no major problem everybody laughed.. saying we are not able to find any issue, but my mother in law still kept on complaining for continuously 4 hours... she was all negative.. I can back home, I know all I have to do is ignore her rest everything is okay to live by.. But I have lost trust on my husband,I know if he left me once, he can leave me again....living here is very difficult with all the hate, nobody comes to house for dinners.. it’s alone and hateful. I don’t say anything because that will only elevate the problem. It’s hell living here.. they all sit together and talk and when I go everyone shuts.. although I don’t care what that are talking about, I don’t give a rat’s ass even if they’re bitching about me. It’s just all negative and I wanna run away from here.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
What is your question for me here?
I have got the point that there is a lot of hate and negativity at your in-laws place and that it is far different from how you were raised. Also, that your husband blindly sides with his mother bothers you. But I will try and put things in perspective and make suggestions here.

Now, understand that certain families are the way that they are and unfortunately you have come into a place where people are isolated from one another and talk behind each other's backs.
Are you in a position to change all of this especially when you have realized that your husband isn't someone who is on your side?
So, when you can't change something, the only way to get through all of this peacefully is to accept it. But, that is the things that you are struggling with already and yes, it is understandable from your point of view.
Have an honest conversation with your husband; I am sure he is interested in making his marriage work too. That's the first step to actually make him aware that all this is affecting you.
Let's say, he is not bothered by it all and continues to go about all of this without realizing that he has a wife and he is also responsible towards the marriage, try and suggest getting to a professional (But do realize that the professional will not be able to change the way your husband's home functions). This is only getting the bond between you and your husband stronger so that you can be on the same side weathering the environment around you.
Now, if he refuses this intervention...then the onus is on you...what and how you see your life is totally a choice that you must make.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1612 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 11, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 09, 2024Hindi
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I got married 1year back. It was an arrange marriage. But boy & his mother put so much efforts for convincing me for a year, though I was not comfortable by his mom’s behaviour of over controlling & dominating (she is on various anti psychotics medicine for 10-15 years), her husband is no more. I had my only parent my mom who got expired 3years back, no siblings. I am in good profession with job since 6 years. I kept myself busy in hobbies to get out of this loss. During that period, this family approached my relatives. I talked to them but couldn’t get convinced by their behaviour as his mom seemed to be very cunning. But finally got married to same person as my relatives were already convinced. They apologised & promised for their past misbehaviour. From first month, I got to know that I m married to a mama’s boy who made fake promises for protecting me. He becomes so unstable & had multiple outbursts. He puts all blames on me, he gaslights about me, whenever he is under his mom’s affect. My job is far away from their home. So I didn’t quit my job & living alone even after marriage. We both husband-wife meet on weekends. But as soon as he spends a day with his mom, he starts talking shit about me. His mom directly targets me in front of him, he never defends me. He just compensates with outings.. but later on, blames me that I asked him to take me out. I go home only for weekends.. but in that also his mom speaks something out of her own insecurities. I am clear now that her only intention is to make us fighting so he never visits me. And if I visit them, she does something blackmailing to threaten his son if he tries to ignore her. (For more info— she has all the authority & money though she was always the homemaker, no contact with her own in-laws, her own brothers & parents , even her own married daughter). I am totally helpless to save my marriage. I tried various therapists for couple counselling sessions but he does not show much if compliance & his mom just hate when u suggest couple counsellings. She wants everything in her hand, which I understood so early , so I kept continuing my work & living at my workplace. But my husband also never recognise the root cause. He gives me silent treatment for days till weekend. He just blames me everyday , very very sarcastic tone that I don’t want to talk to him even on a call. He does something for me & then everyday he blames me for asking for that which is totally false. Now I refuse to take any favour from my husband. I tried for baby but miscarriage. There was so much stress & immediately I moved to my workplace. Plz any suggestions?? For how long, me & my husband will be living like this ? Is there any similar case with some positive hope ?? I know he has some personality issues, one moment he is nice to me & within hours he backfires continues to talk without listening with full energy of blaming me for everything. He imagines something false to portrait about my image & doesn’t trust me at all. On other hand by their behaviour, I am constantly missing my beloved mom. And getting into that grief of losing her deeper. I am seeing my mom in my dreams regularly these days. I am feeling betrayed by trusting them & made a wrong decision on their fake promises.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
You did ignore all the red flags that you already had spotted. You have married a man who is completely under his mother's spell. And from what you have shared counseling hasn't helped either. It would not have as until people think that they want things to change, nothing much will change.
I am unsure about how things can turn positive unless both spouses get deeply involved in working on the marriage. Also, how far are you willing to go to put that single-handed effort for you to see the change in him...It could be a heavy task on you!
It's about time that you evaluate where you stand in this marriage and how much longer you be the one to keep the marriage together? This should give you an indication on what your next steps can be...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

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