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Trapped in a Toxic Marriage: Help! My Husband is a Mama's Boy and His Mother is Controlling

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1622 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 11, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Nov 09, 2024Hindi
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I got married 1year back. It was an arrange marriage. But boy & his mother put so much efforts for convincing me for a year, though I was not comfortable by his mom’s behaviour of over controlling & dominating (she is on various anti psychotics medicine for 10-15 years), her husband is no more. I had my only parent my mom who got expired 3years back, no siblings. I am in good profession with job since 6 years. I kept myself busy in hobbies to get out of this loss. During that period, this family approached my relatives. I talked to them but couldn’t get convinced by their behaviour as his mom seemed to be very cunning. But finally got married to same person as my relatives were already convinced. They apologised & promised for their past misbehaviour. From first month, I got to know that I m married to a mama’s boy who made fake promises for protecting me. He becomes so unstable & had multiple outbursts. He puts all blames on me, he gaslights about me, whenever he is under his mom’s affect. My job is far away from their home. So I didn’t quit my job & living alone even after marriage. We both husband-wife meet on weekends. But as soon as he spends a day with his mom, he starts talking shit about me. His mom directly targets me in front of him, he never defends me. He just compensates with outings.. but later on, blames me that I asked him to take me out. I go home only for weekends.. but in that also his mom speaks something out of her own insecurities. I am clear now that her only intention is to make us fighting so he never visits me. And if I visit them, she does something blackmailing to threaten his son if he tries to ignore her. (For more info— she has all the authority & money though she was always the homemaker, no contact with her own in-laws, her own brothers & parents , even her own married daughter). I am totally helpless to save my marriage. I tried various therapists for couple counselling sessions but he does not show much if compliance & his mom just hate when u suggest couple counsellings. She wants everything in her hand, which I understood so early , so I kept continuing my work & living at my workplace. But my husband also never recognise the root cause. He gives me silent treatment for days till weekend. He just blames me everyday , very very sarcastic tone that I don’t want to talk to him even on a call. He does something for me & then everyday he blames me for asking for that which is totally false. Now I refuse to take any favour from my husband. I tried for baby but miscarriage. There was so much stress & immediately I moved to my workplace. Plz any suggestions?? For how long, me & my husband will be living like this ? Is there any similar case with some positive hope ?? I know he has some personality issues, one moment he is nice to me & within hours he backfires continues to talk without listening with full energy of blaming me for everything. He imagines something false to portrait about my image & doesn’t trust me at all. On other hand by their behaviour, I am constantly missing my beloved mom. And getting into that grief of losing her deeper. I am seeing my mom in my dreams regularly these days. I am feeling betrayed by trusting them & made a wrong decision on their fake promises.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
You did ignore all the red flags that you already had spotted. You have married a man who is completely under his mother's spell. And from what you have shared counseling hasn't helped either. It would not have as until people think that they want things to change, nothing much will change.
I am unsure about how things can turn positive unless both spouses get deeply involved in working on the marriage. Also, how far are you willing to go to put that single-handed effort for you to see the change in him...It could be a heavy task on you!
It's about time that you evaluate where you stand in this marriage and how much longer you be the one to keep the marriage together? This should give you an indication on what your next steps can be...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1622 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 14, 2021

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Dear mam, I am married for 14 yrs. Love marriage. I used to work earlier but quit because my husband was earning well and he said he will take care of me and my son. We used to be a happy couple but during the lockdown my mother-in-law and sister-in-law decided to move in with us. Slowly they started creating issues between my husband and me often badmouthing my behaviour or complaining about me. I was unaware about it until recently when we had a big fight. That’s when I realised that they have been planning to drive me out of the house and get him married to someone else whom they can manipulate. It’s been over a year now that my husband is not even talking to me properly. I went and stayed with my parents for some time but even they feel I am a burden and should adjust and accommodate instead of giving them reasons to fight. They don’t understand that all this is politics. Now my husband is talking to some girl whom I don’t like. That is causing more problems and fights between us. Anything I say is used against me now. Please help me mam. What to do?
Ans: Dear R, why did they start to create issues between you and your husband?

What led to this? It rarely happens that people go after people with no reason.

Did you have any reservations about them coming and staying over?

Did you express it in some form to them? (Ask these to yourself so that you know that any act on your part did not lead to this situation. Of course, nothing justifies their plotting to get their son married behind your back).

If the answer to this is NO, then it's time to confront your husband, get a mediator and put things on the table.

What does he want? What do you want?

Do you both want to continue in this marriage?

What are his responsibilities towards your son?

These need to be addressed without anymore delay. Being in a limbo state is not fun as it keeps you guessing and the uncertainty can cause a lot of stress.

Also, kindly sensitise your parents towards what you are going through, so that support you in this time of need.

Act NOW and whatever you decide, put yourself first and take care of you emotional state of mind.

Best wishes!

..Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |607 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 29, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 21, 2024Hindi
Relationship
Hello, I am from a good educated family in Dehradun. I got married 3 years back in an arranged marriage setup through a mediator in Meerut. My husband has a small sportswear factory above his home only and mostly he is at home. I have a widowed MIL and SIL who is married just a year before me. There were problems in my marriage from the very beginning but my parents and me were too naive to see the red flags. They had demanded 20lakh cash and also my parents had given them lot of gold silver items which my MIL has withheld and says I have taken everything and my husband also supports her everytime. He is a mumma's and sister's boy and lies to me all the time. He does not value my opinions and expects me to obey him and his mother. He verbally abuses too much which he did not disclose before marriage. I left my job before marriage as my parents were finding a match for me from past 2 years but were fed up so there desperation got me married here in Meerut. They mentioned there income as 20-25lakh in biodata but I still don't know the real income of my husband. He says he has taken loan from his mother and is in her debt and says all the time that his, his mother and his sister's bond is unbreakable, without me asking. From beginning I was not treated like a family member but they just instructed me what were my responsibilities of cooking and handling house and bowing down to her sister and brother-in-law. My husband never stood up for me in beginning. One night he became so abusive that he twisted my hand and verbaly abused my family so much. I in fear called my mother and they took me back. I filed a case against him and we stayed separately for around 1.3 years. That was a horrific time for me and my parents, going to courts and they never appearing once. I started online MBA and small job side by side to bear my expenses as my husband was not supporting financially at all. He was not ready to give back our money or jewellery and just saying he wanted to stay with me, but I did not wanted to go back to that house. His mother created too much drama in front of him and foul language was normal in that house. After a counselling session I arranged, which he was not ready to attend but I convinced him, we decided to give it another chance as he apologised to me and my parents. and I also thought about my future which would impact my family and younger sister as well. So his family came to our house to take me back and welcomed me nicely this time with bouquet and my husband decorated our room with balloons. 3-4 months it was all well, they behaved nicely, I ignored small things his mother said or did. I tried to recreate the bond with them, but there rude behaviour returned. His mother's insecurity is impacting me and my husband's relation so much, that he ignores my needs for her and does not see I'm in pain even if I tell him. I am filled with anger and frustration now and when I share it with my husband, he blames me for overthinking and verbally abuse me sometimes for destroying his life. I am going in depression due to this and unable to focus on my studies or any work. Due to this stress I don't feel like staying in that house and frequently visit my parents house, but my husband does not let me live in peace here also, he keeps verbally abusing and taunting me for staying at my parents so much and tells me he cannot come every second month there in a very rude abusive tone. I am fed-up of his dual attitude, one day he showers so much love, next day he gets so out of control. With rest of the world he is so sweet and shows he loves me so much, which has brought me in a bad light to think so bad of him. My problems are everyday little problems for them which I should bear. Currently I am 7 month pregnant and at my parents home. He beared my meds and doctor expenses there, but keeps on reminding me this that he has done this, he brought an almira for me after so many months of me begging him because they did not had any basic amenities arranged for me beforehand. My parents gave automatic washing machine, and few more new items during marriage but no gratitude for anything, instead they keep telling me they got almira for me, put khanewali for me as if they are not eating that food. I had cooked full 3 time meals and serving them on there bed, still they say 'kuch ni karti, kamre mei rehti hai. mumyji ke sath ni baithti, iske lie ye kardia, ghuma ke late hain' or meri kamiya ginate rete hain. They do not tell full truth, what me and my parents have done for them. My husband does not know proper English also and thinks himself no less than a king. His mother and sister enables his bad behaviour and laugh it off. I am worried for my future now as now a kid is involved. I had left my job again to go back as everyone told me to focus on mending relations first. He does not seem to care much for the baby also. When I tell him I have a headache, he tells me he has more headaches and responsibilities than me. Never really understood my feelings or cared genuinely. Mostly worried about money. All financial assets are in his mother's control so he has to bow down to her tantrums, and expects me to do that as well. She keeps showing him how sick she is, but goes to kitty parties and my husband takes her mostly everywhere with us on vacations. If me and my husband go even on a 2-day trip, my husband keeps video calling her because he knows her insecurity. She also keeps saying things like, 'tere bina pal pal katna bhari hora' like a couple talks. But if my SIL goes on 6 day trip with her husband, then she is very happy and tells them to enjoy. This gives me chills and spoils my mood everytime. My husband knows it yet he does not say or do anything about it. But I cannot continue like this, I feel suffocated and stuck many times, not knowing if I even belong here or not. My husband feels spending money on counselling is a waste so he will not take it now. Pls guide what should I do next. Can this relation be saved or not?
Ans: Since your husband is unwilling to attend counseling, consider seeking therapy for yourself. A therapist can help you process your emotions, build resilience, and identify what you need to feel secure and valued. Your emotional well-being is crucial not just for you but also for your baby, as stress during pregnancy can have long-term effects.

Open communication is essential, but it seems your husband is dismissive of your concerns. Try one last time to have an honest conversation with him. Clearly express your feelings and the changes you need to see for the relationship to work. Focus on specific actions, like setting boundaries with his mother, reducing verbal abuse, and showing emotional and financial responsibility.

If these conversations don’t lead to meaningful change, you may need to consider the long-term implications of staying in this environment. Living in a toxic household can have a profound impact on you and your child. If leaving feels like the safest option for your mental and physical well-being, work with your family to plan a way forward. This could involve legal steps to secure your rights and ensure support for your child.

Your efforts to mend the relationship show your commitment, but it’s vital to remember that a healthy marriage requires mutual respect and effort. If your husband and his family are unwilling to meet you halfway, prioritizing your own peace and stability might be the best decision for you and your baby.

..Read more

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