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Anu Krishna |1647 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 01, 2023

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 27, 2023Hindi

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hi, I got married 15 years back, though when i saw my wife for the first time i didnt like her, because she was only 5 ft tall, as said destiny plays its roll and i got married to her and since then 15 years later still i dont like her at all, we have two kids, and i m only staying because of kids, what should i do ? i m really suffering as her nature too doesnt match with mine, every day i regret marrying her, pls advise

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
What do you mean you don't like her at all?
What prevented you from saying this to her before marriage? She would had the pleasure of rejecting you.
How will your nature match?
You have never allowed yourself to see her beyond her height and dislike her for it. It's sad to know that even after 15 years of marriage and two children, your emotional maturity is stuck on height and nature.

Maybe it's time to ask yourself: What is it that my wife possibly dislikes in me? Or better still, ask her...and don't be shocked if she has a list...

Grow up and shoulder your responsibilities or sit down with your wife and actually ask her why she is in this marriage with you. Maybe her genuine love and care for you might change your mind to feel differently about her. i sincerely hope you two find a way of working this out. But for that, you need to step out of seeing the 'bad' in her and see the 'good' in her. She did make your house a home and given birth to two children. Some appreciation here will change your perspective to think differently about her and your marriage.

Best wishes!

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Anu Krishna |1647 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 19, 2022

Question by AY - Jan 19, 2022Hindi

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Dear MamI am a 33 year old male working in a PSU at middle management level. Six years ago I was married happily as per my wish to a girl of my choice.Everything was just perfect. My wife is 4.5 years younger to me. I had to go against my parents wish as they were not comfortable with a non working wife. Mine was not a love story but yes I met girl through a common friend and went ahead for the alliance. Our sex life was also great in the start and we welcomed a baby girl just 2 months short of our first wedding anniversary. However now when I compare I do understand that because of household chores she could not give proper time to me, but still I feel a strong urge to have sex with her. She somehow does not reciprocate well and is dull in having sex. Apart from this we still fight over silly things and tolerance level of both of us have gone very down. Sometimes I feel to this extent that I should walk out from the marriage because I really don't want hot talks in our relationship. I agree I have a 5 year old baby girl. I do control my feelings and anger too to some extent. My wife also does the same but really small things trigger me on. Also I always have a huge sex drive and I feel that if I don't get it from my wife I should look out for other options. I have not cheated with her but I feel that given the option I can because of sex urge. May be this is due to higher libido and I do masturbate occasionally fantasizing my neighbour or other female friends and sometimes my wife too. I don't know what goes through me but seeing your column I felt I should tell you these small details so you could give me an honest answer. I don't want to leave her, I do love her a lot but these fights really make me lose my cool and feel depressed.What should be done according to you ? Should I see a psychiatrist?

Ans:

Dear AY,

I will ask you to introspect and ask yourself: When did things start going downhill?

What event led to this? Surely, things don’t happen all of sudden, so something or some thought must have led to this.

Also, it’s important to understand that managing home and a child is a full time job and it tires the woman a lot.

To be in a mood for sex, the woman needs to be relaxed and calm…if the work at home is tiring, try and hire a domestic helper or any extra help that will ease her.

That way she will have more time to care for herself and her needs as well. Offer to pitch in and this will also bring the two of you closer.

Your theory of your high libido which is not being matched by your wife may or may not be true as sometimes that solution is simpler than you think.

Sadly, we are used to complicating things and look at what’s obvious in front of us.

Sex outside of marriage seems to be an option that has crossed your mind, but I do understand from your letter that you care and love your wife a lot.

Let not a moment of weakness make you shake the foundation of a beautiful relationship that the two of you share.

Have an open chat with her. Express how you feel and speak of your sexual needs.

Most often, communication solves most marriage issues. If this doesn’t work, kindly seek professional help with a marriage therapist.

Ultimately, you know why the two of you are married and why you chose her to be your wife.

Bear that in mind and a lot of yours mind struggles will ease and you will be able to think more usefully and also move into a better marriage space.

Happy 2022 and here’s wishing you the best in life!

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Relationships Expert - Answered on Dec 21, 2021

Question by Anonymous - Dec 21, 2021Hindi

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Dear Guruji, Namaskar. I have been married since five years (arranged) and have two beautiful kids. The problem in my married life is that I don't find my wife beautiful or attractive. Why I agreed to marry her back in 2016 is a topic for another day, but it was my decision and I was not forced in any way. I am not a bad guy and believe that physical beauty is not all that matters. She is a very honest and beautiful person by nature. I have tried and tried and tried but she just does not appear attractive to me in any way. We have sex very rarely and now she is beginning to question me about it. I make excuses on and off but now it’s getting on me. I want to feel the desire for sex with my wife too, but there seems to be no way. I cannot leave her coz I know she is not to blame and same goes for the kids. Sometimes I feel that I should tell her I don't find her attractive but I know it will hurt her. The problem is that it’s not just she who is suffering coz of lack of sex; I am also going through same. Please advise, Anonymous

Ans:

Ouch! It’s not every day that someone writes in stating that s/he is quite so turned off by a partner.

You seem to have a good wife and a good marriage outside of the sex.

Instead of hurting her feelings about her appearance, why don’t you make some suggestions that will improve your attraction toward her? Surely you have preferences when it comes to hair/ clothing/ lingerie?

She’s obviously noticed your lack of interest and I think she will be willing to take a few steps to remedy the situation.

As a side note, please remember that beauty runs only skin-deep.

Don’t mess up your family over something like this; and if my advice doesn’t help, you have two other options.

One, visit a therapist to help you work through this problem or, two, just turn off the lights and get down to business with her using your imagination!

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