i am going through lot of depression and anxiety. It has made me violent. i feel like killing my father . he has done 2nd marriage and has kept no assets/property for me. I am worried someday i will take law in my hand and will be behind bars or may get injured in the fight. I am 41. From last 13 years staying away from family and living on my own. Presently my health is also not well, going through lot of mental and physical illness.after thinking about the future, I think I will be on streets in future and the reason is my *b**as**rd father. Please advise how do i control my anger and depression.

Ans: Hats off to you my dear lady. You need to file for divorce and get this vile man out of your life and home once and for all. You have the means and the economic upper hand as well — consult a strong divorce lawyer and kick him to the curb! And there is life, love and companionship out there for you, so don’t give up on finding your own happiness — 52 is not old, you have a lot of years ahead with the potential to fulfill your happiness. Go for it!

Ans: Navigating such a complex and toxic family environment is incredibly challenging. It's important to recognize that while you may deeply care for your parents and want to help them, changing deeply ingrained behaviors and dynamics within a family, especially those involving control and emotional manipulation, is extremely difficult. Your mother's controlling nature and your father's inappropriate behavior are significant issues that likely require professional intervention, such as therapy, which they may or may not be willing to pursue.

Given the emotional toll this environment is taking on you, it is crucial to prioritize your mental and emotional well-being. Establishing boundaries is key. If you and your wife are constantly subjected to a controlling and toxic atmosphere, it can severely impact your relationship and personal happiness. Moving out and living independently could provide the necessary space to foster a healthier and more peaceful life. While this decision might be met with resistance and emotional blackmail from your mother, it's important to remember that your responsibility is first to yourself and your immediate family—your wife and, if applicable, your children.

Living separately doesn't mean abandoning your parents. You can still support them from a distance, visiting regularly and offering help when needed. This arrangement can also give your mother the opportunity to address her issues with your father without involving or impacting you and your wife directly. It's about finding a balance between being there for your parents and protecting your own well-being.

Ultimately, moving out could lead to healthier relationships all around, as distance might lessen the daily tension and allow everyone to develop more respectful and less intrusive ways of interacting. This decision requires courage and clear communication. Discuss your plans with your wife, ensure you are both on the same page, and approach your parents with empathy but firmness about your need for independence. While you can't change your parents, you can change how you interact with them and set boundaries to create a healthier environment for yourself and your future family.

Ans: To start, consider small steps that allow you to establish a greater sense of independence. Setting aside a portion of your income in an account only you can access, even if done quietly, can help you prepare financially for the future you envision with your boyfriend. Gaining control over your finances can also give you a greater sense of autonomy, which is key for your emotional and practical well-being.

Considering your father’s intense reaction to any choices that don’t align with his, safety is a priority. Consulting with a therapist or a counselor could help you process the emotional impact of your experiences and, importantly, develop strategies for how to approach this situation. Speaking to a counselor may also help you find a safe way to discuss your relationship with your father and express your own wishes while understanding any resources that might be available to you if needed.

If, ultimately, you decide to move forward with your relationship and marriage independently of your father’s permission, preparing yourself for potential emotional fallout is essential. While it’s natural to hope for family acceptance, remember that creating your own happiness is equally important. Over time, if your father can see that you’re stable, happy, and independent, he may eventually respect your decision.

Taking steps toward your own life may feel overwhelming, but with support and gradual changes, you can find a path that balances your love for your family with your need for self-respect, autonomy, and a future that you choose.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
There's little that you can do to change the dynamics of the relationship between your mother and father. Your mother chooses to be submissive and your father has also got used to being the decision maker and things work between them. So leave it at that.
Now, when it comes to you; you have a choice of going through it or doing something about it. You are 28; so what if you are not earning well...maybe stepping out of home will help you re-think and move to something better that lets you earn better as well. At times in life, strong decisions like these are life-changing and they must be made. Is this going to change the relationship between you and your father? No, it wont; but at least you have a chance at a life that you can build for yourself. It's time you grew into your own skin and at this moment if you don't do that for yourself, the rest of your life you will be playing the role of a victim and blaming your father for things not going well for you. You have a choice!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
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