Hi doctor, I am 40 yrs old and my wife is 38 married for 14 yrs and have 1 kid who is 11 yrs old. We both are working and we only get to spend time on weekend and during weekdays we hardly get time to talk and see each other due to our shift timings. During weekend I do get urge to be intimate with her but she has lost interest and she doesn't have that urge to be intimate, we spoke about this multiple times and she agrees about this fact as we hardly get intimate once in 6 months or may be more than that. I do have that strong urge and don't want to cheat on my wife or go somewhere else to fullfill my sexual needs, but not sure if there can be any medication which will arouse her so that she can participate willingly in having sex. Even if we happen to get in to action she will just lie on the bed like dead with no emotions and she is constantly thinking of something else in her mind like what I need to cook for tomorrow, or did she do that work in office she will ask me to remind about something tomorrow as she has to do certain task, her mind is all over the place except in the act in the present moment, which really turns me off. Please need your help to save our relationship.

Ans: Dear Anilkumar,
Clearly there is a mismatch in what you want and what she wants. So, taking her for medical treatment means that you might also need it...
Instead of this blame game, why don't you try and find out the reason for this lack of interest. Maybe it is tiredness of the day and also if you demand everyday, she might come up with some excuse or the other. Sex is not a mechanical activity; it requires a lot of emotional connection between two people which means you and your wife have to connect better emotionally for sex to happen. New thing for you maybe...but rather than blame her for disturbing daily life, try and be more kind to understand what is exactly bothering her. LISTEN and not DEMAND...
Simply listening and helping her through it might help her become warm towards you and things may improve...

All the best!

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Sexual compatibility between couples if often a miracle. So, if there is a clear mismatch, there is also clearly a reason behind it. You stated it yourself: Lack of foreplay and your wife being overweight. So, take care of the foreplay part...what stops you from indulging in active foreplay that will get her going? There is no need to jump into the act and then complain about her not being interested in sex.
- Instead change course and pay attention to foreplay.
- Also, indulge in a lot of non-sexual forms of intimacy like cuddling, hugging etc that helps her connect with you at an emotional level and this could give way to the act.
- Pay her compliments and every once in a while surprise her with little gifts. It validates her presence and importance within the marriage.
The point that I am making is: shift focus on non-sexual intimacy first before jumping into the 'sex' part. You will see that, that bonding helps sexual compatibility.

The other part on her being overweight could also be a challenge as it can affect the way she perceives herself besides ill-health that can impact sex life greatly. Gently coax her into working out/exercising everyday with a good nutrition plan which will go a long way in not just physical fitness but an overall well-being in all areas of life. If it helps, the two of you can look at this together and make 'couple goals' to fitness and compatibility. It can keep both of you motivated and also encourage a good bond as well.

And oh! Please do not count the number of times you actually have sex. There's no competition and no medals awarded...Please bond better first...

All the best!