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In a 10-year relationship, but he won't marry me due to caste issues. What should I do?

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |403 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 16, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Anum Question by Anum on Oct 07, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

I want to ask question I'm in relationship of 10 years ,happy relationship he care for me I do also.. but as soon as I ask about marriage we start arguing he said his family is not agree due to caste issue he can't marry .. I can't move on I'm the one who is begging to stay and get married .. I daily calls him msgs him that don't left me .. I don't know I'm doing write or wrong.he is ignoring my problem I'm mentally sick now I'm in depression now

Ans: It sounds like you’re in a very painful and confusing situation. Being in a relationship for 10 years, especially when there’s love and care involved, makes it incredibly difficult to face the possibility of it not leading to marriage, especially because of family or caste issues. It’s understandable that you’re feeling mentally exhausted and depressed from trying to hold onto a relationship that seems uncertain when it comes to the future.

From what you’ve shared, it seems like you’ve invested a lot into this relationship, but your boyfriend is unable or unwilling to take the next step due to his family’s disapproval. The fact that he isn’t making efforts to address this problem and seems to be avoiding the issue is deeply concerning, especially since it’s affecting your mental health. Begging him to stay or to get married can make you feel powerless, especially when you’re the only one pushing for a resolution.

What you're feeling is valid—after 10 years together, it’s natural to want clarity and commitment. But if he continues to avoid dealing with the caste issue or refuses to stand up to his family, it suggests that he may not be as committed to the future you envision. You should not have to beg for commitment in a relationship that’s meant to be equal and supportive.

At this point, it’s important to consider your own well-being. Staying in a situation that is causing you so much distress is not healthy, especially when your efforts are not being reciprocated. You deserve a partner who is willing to confront challenges with you and who values your mental and emotional health.

It might help to take a step back, focus on yourself, and consider whether this relationship, as it stands now, is worth the pain it’s causing. If his family’s opposition is insurmountable for him, and he’s not willing to fight for the relationship, you may need to ask yourself whether staying is truly what's best for you. Surrounding yourself with support—friends, family, or even a therapist—might help you regain clarity and rebuild your mental strength.

You deserve love, respect, and a partner who is fully committed to you without hesitation or excuses.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |403 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 08, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 05, 2023Hindi
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Relationship
Hi Ma'am, I have been in a relationship for almost a decade now i.e. since graduation and now me and my bf are doing good in our respective jobs. Since we come from different religions, we have been trying to convince our family very much for last two years to let us happen and get married and in these scenarios during covid I lost my father too now that it's just me and my mom and my elder sister due to societal pressure also they were not agreeing for us but then I could feel now that his family was some how just dragging us showing fake acceptance for me but still being very orthodox but in this process me and my bf got committed to each other very seriously in terms of physical ways but now his family is completely denying the fact that they don't us to happen and are literally forcing his son to marry in their caste. On this thing, the guy is trying to make me understand with false accusations that it's not his family butine which doesn't want us to proceed since my family wanted a mutual ways of marriage and not just his culture thing or else court marriage was the last opt but my guy is saying no I can never go against my family this and that you better understand and I don't know I'm feeling very cheated that now at this stage after being this close where he should have been standing strong with me he's pushing me to set back I don't know iam so clueless I got no energy to get back to being productive in my life or something whereas this acts of his and his family's forcible nature is somehow triggering me to opt for legal methods....I need guidance it's all dark for me and feeling too used.
Ans: Hello Dear,
I'm truly sorry to hear about the challenges you're facing in your relationship. It's a complex and emotionally charged situation, and it's understandable that you're feeling hurt and confused It's okay to take some time for self-reflection and self-care. Understand and acknowledge your emotions before making any decisions. Give yourself the space to process the situation and its impact on your well-being. Have an open and honest conversation with your boyfriend about your feelings. Share your concerns, fears, and expectations. Encourage him to express his feelings and concerns as well. Effective communication is crucial at this stage. Reflect on your priorities and values in a relationship. Consider whether the current situation aligns with what you envision for your future. Be honest with yourself about what you need and deserve in a partnership. If you're contemplating legal steps, it's advisable to seek legal advice to understand the implications and options available to you. Consult with a lawyer who can provide guidance based on your specific situation and laws. While it's crucial to address the relationship concerns, also focus on your personal growth and well-being. Pursue activities that bring you joy, engage in self-improvement, and consider your long-term goals. Assess whether the relationship is healthy and supportive. Consider whether both partners are willing to work through challenges and make compromises for the well-being of the relationship. Establish clear boundaries for yourself. Determine what you are willing to accept and what you cannot tolerate in the relationship. It's crucial to prioritize your own well-being. If both families are open to it, consider seeking the help of a mediator or counselor who can facilitate discussions and help find common ground. Mediation can be a constructive way to address conflicts and find solutions.
Ultimately, prioritize your own happiness and well-being. If the relationship is causing you significant distress, it's important to evaluate whether it's a healthy and fulfilling partnership for you. it's okay to seek professional help or legal advice if needed. Making decisions about your future can be challenging, but it's crucial to prioritize your own happiness and mental health. If you find it difficult to navigate these issues on your own, seeking guidance from professionals or supportive friends can make a significant difference.

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1293 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 14, 2024

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hello ma'am I'm 27 independent girl . i want to marry my partner but my parents not agree due to intercaste i tried to convinced my mom last three year but she not agree and last month i told my father about him. he is not agree with my whole family denied to marry him because to caste. he is independent and his family dont have any issue regarding anything.my parents are said that they will not given their permission for intercaste marriage due to what people will say.because of my family have name in society. my partner family also have name in society. my elder cousin refuse to help me. from last 3 year i was so emotionally tried and sometime i dont want to live . he love me so much i dont want to lose him or cheat him .i dont want are relationship end like that. he never ever forgive me if i leave him.he waiting for me from last 4 years and in 4 years he is loyal with me. i dont understand what to do i feel heavyheartness and low .i can't sleep and eat ,forget things easily now i am exhausted all of this.please reply me as you can with best solution .
Ans: Dear Albatross,
Inter-religion marriages are still a taboo in society; so you are dealing with what has been normalized in society.
If you looking at your parents' approval, it may never happen. So decide how you want to go about it...Of course, you can try to patiently work with your parents and your partner. Think about how to get the two of them together so that your parents get a chance to meet him and interact with him.
Still, be prepared for things not to work out, but do make that humble attempt!
Make a decision that seems the best and stick with it...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: https://www.facebook.com/anukrish07/ AND https://www.linkedin.com/in/anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |417 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Jun 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 28, 2024Hindi
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I am dealing with brkup its been 2 months its mutual because he is bhramin his parents will not allow intercaste and for me its not possible to settle in place where he lives . its almost 3-4 year of relationship from my age of 18 he was there with my i lost my father during corona he took care of me , he stayed by my side he is not upto the mark but still he is always there for me after that i leave that state where both we stayed and we did long distance for 2 years but now as he come to know his parents are way more strict he dont want to hurts his parents and even my reason that i have to compromise lot carrrer difference and all. As i lost my father at age of 18 i cry lot every one day gap during my relationship also i was so anxious , and some times due to family problems i always used to be disturbed and dont want to live sometimeslike sucidal thoughts and all but at the time of relationship i share all this to him and i feel okay and got back to my study as he motivates me little . but now after brkup i dont have any real friends , i cant talk to any one neither any person messeges me my depression is becoming more big now we are in no contact for some days but again we talk and again we are in no contact he feels like he is in guilt becos he hurted me and made me miserable also he dont think about any other relation ship whatever his parents will bring he will do but for me not that case becos we dont have nay guardian i have to in my own actually we are not that big for marriage but we thought of future more and brkup becos of i have to find some one right we are 21 also my campus placements are coming his neet pg is coming but my heart cries every day i feel choked , i cried , choked and hurt my head it happens often but i still think we can not talk becos how can we move on from some body we talk but my depression at peak level i msg him with bigtext with all that goin on my life. should we talk ? as their is no rush to find other person we have to first focus on career how can we set boundaries? though if i talk i mak eme feel someone i can talk and make me releif at the sam etime it hurts if i dont talk also its hurts more as i ahve no one to talk with . he insisted me that we can be friends i can see u like this he wants me to be happy he feel he did the sin to me. Pls tell what will be good for me how can i be little releif what should i should i talk treat or my depression how ?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I am very sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is tough. I am also glad you found someone to share your pain with at that moment. Coming to your dilemma- whether you should be in touch with him- I understand that it is a great relief to talk to him, but that is momentary, isn't it? You cannot continue doing this if you two are broken up. Even though he is not planning to get married right away, the problem is that he will someday. Plus, more often than not, one person moves on faster than the other, and in your case, if it's him, it will hurt more. The right thing to do is sit and have a clear conversation. Discuss the possibility of getting back together. Ask what is in his mind and express what's in yours. But going in this circle will only hurt you more; maybe not today, but someday it will.

Now, coming to your depression, I would suggest sharing your pain with close friends but you mentioned you have none. That is not uncommon. Not all of us are blessed with it. In that case, I recommend seeing a professional therapist. There is absolutely no shame in it. Rather it will help you in sorting your feelings. Finally, you can take care of them without relying on your ex. I am sure you are doing a wonderful job in managing your depression but a professional counselor can help you come out of this in a more structured way. Please consider it. If you are not comfortable seeing someone in person, there are several counselors available online. Just try it once and see how that makes you feel.

Remember we all need help occasionally. You are amazing and you do not have to hold everything together alone.

Best Wishes.

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Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7034 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Nov 18, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 17, 2024Hindi
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I have a debt of 1 lakh i kept the gold as mortgage for my friends operation and i am still a student. Its been two weeks since its at the gold shop. What should i do, no one is there to help me even my parents dont know about it
Ans: First, stay calm and think logically. Your current focus should be on resolving the loan and retrieving your gold.

You have taken a responsible step by helping your friend in a medical emergency. This is commendable.

However, keeping your gold mortgaged for long can lead to additional interest charges. This will increase your financial burden.

Since you are still a student, it may be challenging to generate funds immediately. Hence, a structured plan is needed.

Exploring Immediate Solutions
1. Talk to Your Friend’s Family

Approach your friend’s family for assistance. Explain the situation politely and seek their help.

They might not know the extent of your contribution and may help you financially.

2. Seek Support from Trusted Adults

Though difficult, consider talking to a trustworthy adult. It could be a family member, teacher, or mentor.

They might guide you or offer financial support without judgment.

3. Part-Time Work or Freelancing

Look for part-time jobs or freelancing opportunities to generate income.

Focus on skills like tutoring, content writing, or online tasks to earn quickly.

4. Consider Student Loans

Many banks offer small loans for students with minimal documentation.

Approach a bank or financial institution for a short-term loan to clear your debt.

5. Negotiate with the Gold Shop

Visit the gold shop and request an extension or reduction in interest charges.

Be honest about your financial situation. Some shopkeepers might offer relief.

Avoid Risky Alternatives
Avoid borrowing from unverified sources. High-interest informal loans will worsen your financial situation.

Don’t resort to drastic measures. Selling the gold permanently is not recommended unless unavoidable.

Building Financial Discipline
Once the current issue is resolved, focus on building a small emergency fund. Even Rs. 500 saved monthly can be helpful.

Avoid taking financial responsibility beyond your capacity in the future.

Final Insights
Helping a friend during their difficult time shows your compassionate nature. However, now it is essential to prioritise your financial stability. Act swiftly to retrieve your gold, as delays can lead to compounded interest. Seek support from trusted people or institutions to overcome this challenge. Your current situation, though challenging, is a learning opportunity for better financial planning in the future.

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Radheshyam

Radheshyam Zanwar  |1051 Answers  |Ask -

MHT-CET, IIT-JEE, NEET-UG Expert - Answered on Nov 18, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 18, 2024Hindi
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7034 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Nov 18, 2024

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Hello Sir, I have 40 Lakhs that I want to invest in lumpsum and then around 1 lakh SIP/month.I choose the below MF's to invest considering my risk appetite. [Moderate to high] HDFC Flexicap Direct plan Growth Nippon Multicap Fund Direct Growth Bandhan Small Cap Fund Direct Growth Edelweiss Midcap Direct Plan Growth SBI Contra Direct Plan Growth My Plan for Lumpsum: Invest 20 lakhs distributing it in above 5 funds (4 lakh each) Use another 20 Lakhs, put it in liquid fund and do STP to the above MF Hold for 10 years Plan for SIP of 1 Lakh: Hdfc Flexicap Direct plan Growth- 15K Nippon Multicap Fund Direct Growth- 15K Sbi Contra Direct Plan Growth -15K Quant Active Fund direct growth- 15K Bandhan Small Cap Fund Direct Growth- 20K Edelweiss Midcap Direct Plan Growth- 20K Question: Please help review the above plan for lumpsum and SIP and guide if there is any major flaw in it or need changes.
Ans: Your plan shows thoughtful diversification and allocation across categories. Let’s review the lumpsum, SIP, and fund selection strategies in detail.

Lumpsum Investment Plan
Diversification Across Categories: Your allocation of Rs 20 lakhs among large-cap, mid-cap, small-cap, and contra funds ensures good diversification.

Strategic Use of STP: Allocating Rs 20 lakhs into a liquid fund and initiating a systematic transfer plan (STP) is a prudent move. It reduces the risk of market volatility and ensures disciplined deployment of funds over time.

Room for Refinement: Ensure you align the STP duration with your risk appetite. A 6-12 month STP works for moderate-to-high risk investors. For a conservative approach, consider extending this to 18 months.

SIP Investment Plan
Balanced SIP Allocations: The monthly SIP of Rs 1 lakh is well-distributed across different fund categories. Allocating more to mid-cap and small-cap funds (20% each) aligns with your moderate-to-high risk profile.

Long-Term Focus: SIPs over 10 years will help you average market fluctuations. This approach aligns well with wealth-building goals.

Scope for Fine-Tuning: Consider reducing overlap in fund strategies. Some of your funds may invest in similar sectors or companies, leading to portfolio redundancy.

Evaluation of Fund Categories
1. Flexi Cap Funds
Flexi cap funds provide exposure to large, mid, and small-cap stocks.
They adjust dynamically based on market opportunities, balancing risk and returns.
2. Multicap Funds
Multicap funds must maintain a minimum of 25% allocation in large-cap, mid-cap, and small-cap stocks.
This ensures exposure to various market segments while limiting extreme risks.
3. Mid-Cap and Small-Cap Funds
These funds offer higher growth potential but come with greater volatility.
Ideal for long-term goals, but monitor performance every 1-2 years.
4. Contra Funds
Contra funds follow a contrarian investment strategy, focusing on undervalued stocks.
While offering unique opportunities, they require patience for results.
Key Areas for Improvement
Review Overlap in Portfolio:

Check the overlap between the flexi cap, multi-cap, and contra funds.
Too much overlap might dilute diversification benefits.
Add a Debt Component:

A small debt fund allocation, beyond the liquid fund, can help balance your portfolio.
This acts as a cushion during equity market corrections.
Active Fund Management:

Since you’ve chosen direct funds, ensure regular monitoring.
Investing through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) ensures ongoing guidance and portfolio review.
Tax Implications
Lumpsum and STP Gains:

Any gains from the liquid fund during STP are subject to your income tax slab.
Ensure you plan for tax liabilities while making withdrawals.
Equity Mutual Funds:

LTCG above Rs 1.25 lakh is taxed at 12.5%.
Short-term capital gains (STCG) are taxed at 20%.
Tax Efficiency with SIPs:

Each SIP instalment has its own holding period. This means gains are taxed individually.
Risk Management
Volatility in Small- and Mid-Cap Funds:

While these categories offer higher returns, they also have greater volatility.
Avoid reallocating funds during market corrections to maximise compounding benefits.
Regular Reviews:

Perform yearly reviews of fund performance and category suitability.
Replace funds that consistently underperform benchmarks over 3-4 years.
Final Insights
Your investment plan is robust, aligning well with your risk appetite and long-term goals. The use of lumpsum and STP is commendable, and the SIP allocations show a focus on disciplined investing.

However, focus on reducing portfolio overlap and adding a debt component for better risk management. Monitor fund performance regularly, and consider engaging a CFP for periodic reviews to ensure your portfolio stays aligned with your goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

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