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In a 10-year relationship, but he won't marry me due to caste issues. What should I do?

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |595 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 16, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Anum Question by Anum on Oct 07, 2024Hindi
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I want to ask question I'm in relationship of 10 years ,happy relationship he care for me I do also.. but as soon as I ask about marriage we start arguing he said his family is not agree due to caste issue he can't marry .. I can't move on I'm the one who is begging to stay and get married .. I daily calls him msgs him that don't left me .. I don't know I'm doing write or wrong.he is ignoring my problem I'm mentally sick now I'm in depression now

Ans: It sounds like you’re in a very painful and confusing situation. Being in a relationship for 10 years, especially when there’s love and care involved, makes it incredibly difficult to face the possibility of it not leading to marriage, especially because of family or caste issues. It’s understandable that you’re feeling mentally exhausted and depressed from trying to hold onto a relationship that seems uncertain when it comes to the future.

From what you’ve shared, it seems like you’ve invested a lot into this relationship, but your boyfriend is unable or unwilling to take the next step due to his family’s disapproval. The fact that he isn’t making efforts to address this problem and seems to be avoiding the issue is deeply concerning, especially since it’s affecting your mental health. Begging him to stay or to get married can make you feel powerless, especially when you’re the only one pushing for a resolution.

What you're feeling is valid—after 10 years together, it’s natural to want clarity and commitment. But if he continues to avoid dealing with the caste issue or refuses to stand up to his family, it suggests that he may not be as committed to the future you envision. You should not have to beg for commitment in a relationship that’s meant to be equal and supportive.

At this point, it’s important to consider your own well-being. Staying in a situation that is causing you so much distress is not healthy, especially when your efforts are not being reciprocated. You deserve a partner who is willing to confront challenges with you and who values your mental and emotional health.

It might help to take a step back, focus on yourself, and consider whether this relationship, as it stands now, is worth the pain it’s causing. If his family’s opposition is insurmountable for him, and he’s not willing to fight for the relationship, you may need to ask yourself whether staying is truly what's best for you. Surrounding yourself with support—friends, family, or even a therapist—might help you regain clarity and rebuild your mental strength.

You deserve love, respect, and a partner who is fully committed to you without hesitation or excuses.

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |595 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 08, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 05, 2023Hindi
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Hi Ma'am, I have been in a relationship for almost a decade now i.e. since graduation and now me and my bf are doing good in our respective jobs. Since we come from different religions, we have been trying to convince our family very much for last two years to let us happen and get married and in these scenarios during covid I lost my father too now that it's just me and my mom and my elder sister due to societal pressure also they were not agreeing for us but then I could feel now that his family was some how just dragging us showing fake acceptance for me but still being very orthodox but in this process me and my bf got committed to each other very seriously in terms of physical ways but now his family is completely denying the fact that they don't us to happen and are literally forcing his son to marry in their caste. On this thing, the guy is trying to make me understand with false accusations that it's not his family butine which doesn't want us to proceed since my family wanted a mutual ways of marriage and not just his culture thing or else court marriage was the last opt but my guy is saying no I can never go against my family this and that you better understand and I don't know I'm feeling very cheated that now at this stage after being this close where he should have been standing strong with me he's pushing me to set back I don't know iam so clueless I got no energy to get back to being productive in my life or something whereas this acts of his and his family's forcible nature is somehow triggering me to opt for legal methods....I need guidance it's all dark for me and feeling too used.
Ans: Hello Dear,
I'm truly sorry to hear about the challenges you're facing in your relationship. It's a complex and emotionally charged situation, and it's understandable that you're feeling hurt and confused It's okay to take some time for self-reflection and self-care. Understand and acknowledge your emotions before making any decisions. Give yourself the space to process the situation and its impact on your well-being. Have an open and honest conversation with your boyfriend about your feelings. Share your concerns, fears, and expectations. Encourage him to express his feelings and concerns as well. Effective communication is crucial at this stage. Reflect on your priorities and values in a relationship. Consider whether the current situation aligns with what you envision for your future. Be honest with yourself about what you need and deserve in a partnership. If you're contemplating legal steps, it's advisable to seek legal advice to understand the implications and options available to you. Consult with a lawyer who can provide guidance based on your specific situation and laws. While it's crucial to address the relationship concerns, also focus on your personal growth and well-being. Pursue activities that bring you joy, engage in self-improvement, and consider your long-term goals. Assess whether the relationship is healthy and supportive. Consider whether both partners are willing to work through challenges and make compromises for the well-being of the relationship. Establish clear boundaries for yourself. Determine what you are willing to accept and what you cannot tolerate in the relationship. It's crucial to prioritize your own well-being. If both families are open to it, consider seeking the help of a mediator or counselor who can facilitate discussions and help find common ground. Mediation can be a constructive way to address conflicts and find solutions.
Ultimately, prioritize your own happiness and well-being. If the relationship is causing you significant distress, it's important to evaluate whether it's a healthy and fulfilling partnership for you. it's okay to seek professional help or legal advice if needed. Making decisions about your future can be challenging, but it's crucial to prioritize your own happiness and mental health. If you find it difficult to navigate these issues on your own, seeking guidance from professionals or supportive friends can make a significant difference.

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |590 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on May 20, 2024

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May 07, 2024 Hlo sir I am 25 year old and graduated Now preparing for government job . And the boy I love is in defence (navy) we were in a relationship since last 3 years and he decided to tell abouts us to his family and he did .He told about us to his family but his family rejected our relationship due to intercaste marrige as he is jaat and I am saini we both are from Rajasthan where intercaste marrige is a big issue. And his family not only rejected but is behaving very badly to him .not talking to him properly since last 4 months his mother didn't talk to him she stops talking to him. It is very tough for us as well as we didn't expect this reaction from his family.He thought as they love him so much if he try to convince them they will but nothing happened like this . He is very sad and broken and try to make distance from me but can't I also tried but we both can't live each other it's been very tough for both of us to live each other as we don't want to live and also his parents are not accepting this Even though he told me that I tried all ways to convince them but they aren't.and I don't want to give you false hope for future So now we don't have any future but still we want each other as is it not possible to live him at least for me it's not possible. Vo apne parents k against ja nhi skata aur na unke khilaf khada ho sakta aur mai bhi ye nhi chahti ki vo esa kare kyuki atlast family chaiye hum dono ko mai bhi meri family k against to nhi jaugi but ha meri family man jayegi agar mai unhe manugi to uske family jyada orthodox hai . Usne bich Mai 7 - 8 dino tak mujhse distance banne ki kosis kari thi mujhe block kar diya tha har jgh se humari sari photos bhi delete kar di but bad mai mere bhut jyada manage par vo vapis aya gya ap mujhse bat karta hai .maine use pucha ki kya plane hai phr to usne bola ki maine puri koshish kar li har taraf se nhi man rhe ab future ki koi hope nhi hai apni aur meri galti hai maine bat hi kyu kyu tumse starting mai ...mai relationship maj aya hi kyu .. Lekin mai phr bhi use bat kar rhi aur vo bhi kyuki hum dono ek dusre k bine nhi rh pa rhe ab smaj nhi aya rha kya kare .....vo preshna bhi hai jo Banda humesha hasta rhta tha ab vo ek dam udas ho gya hai chup rhene lag gya ye mujse dekha bhi nhi ja rha kya karu kuch smaj nhi aya rha
Ans: Hi Shruti,

I am sorry that you are in this situation. First of all, please try to look at it from your partner's perspective. It isn't easy to confront your parents and it's even harder when they stop communicating altogether. Having said that, I also understand how it is for you. It is not fair, especially in today's day and age, to face discrimination based on caste.

You have two options:
One, you wait patiently, emotionally support your boyfriend, and hope that his parents come to their senses and realize that we are living in 2024, and caste-based discrimination is ridiculous. In this scenario, you do have to let go of your self-respect and have to face many more hardships, that much is guaranteed.

The second option is you hold your head high and move on. Yes, it isn't what you hoped for when you emotionally invested in building this relationship, but unfortunately, these things are still happening. In this scenario, you will be sad for a long time, but you don't have to compromise on your self-respect and you will move on and live to see happier days with someone who respects you and sees you for who you are and not your caste.

Now, the choice is yours.

Best Wishes!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1604 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 14, 2024

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hello ma'am I'm 27 independent girl . i want to marry my partner but my parents not agree due to intercaste i tried to convinced my mom last three year but she not agree and last month i told my father about him. he is not agree with my whole family denied to marry him because to caste. he is independent and his family dont have any issue regarding anything.my parents are said that they will not given their permission for intercaste marriage due to what people will say.because of my family have name in society. my partner family also have name in society. my elder cousin refuse to help me. from last 3 year i was so emotionally tried and sometime i dont want to live . he love me so much i dont want to lose him or cheat him .i dont want are relationship end like that. he never ever forgive me if i leave him.he waiting for me from last 4 years and in 4 years he is loyal with me. i dont understand what to do i feel heavyheartness and low .i can't sleep and eat ,forget things easily now i am exhausted all of this.please reply me as you can with best solution .
Ans: Dear Albatross,
Inter-religion marriages are still a taboo in society; so you are dealing with what has been normalized in society.
If you looking at your parents' approval, it may never happen. So decide how you want to go about it...Of course, you can try to patiently work with your parents and your partner. Think about how to get the two of them together so that your parents get a chance to meet him and interact with him.
Still, be prepared for things not to work out, but do make that humble attempt!
Make a decision that seems the best and stick with it...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: https://www.facebook.com/anukrish07/ AND https://www.linkedin.com/in/anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |590 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Jun 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 28, 2024Hindi
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I am dealing with brkup its been 2 months its mutual because he is bhramin his parents will not allow intercaste and for me its not possible to settle in place where he lives . its almost 3-4 year of relationship from my age of 18 he was there with my i lost my father during corona he took care of me , he stayed by my side he is not upto the mark but still he is always there for me after that i leave that state where both we stayed and we did long distance for 2 years but now as he come to know his parents are way more strict he dont want to hurts his parents and even my reason that i have to compromise lot carrrer difference and all. As i lost my father at age of 18 i cry lot every one day gap during my relationship also i was so anxious , and some times due to family problems i always used to be disturbed and dont want to live sometimeslike sucidal thoughts and all but at the time of relationship i share all this to him and i feel okay and got back to my study as he motivates me little . but now after brkup i dont have any real friends , i cant talk to any one neither any person messeges me my depression is becoming more big now we are in no contact for some days but again we talk and again we are in no contact he feels like he is in guilt becos he hurted me and made me miserable also he dont think about any other relation ship whatever his parents will bring he will do but for me not that case becos we dont have nay guardian i have to in my own actually we are not that big for marriage but we thought of future more and brkup becos of i have to find some one right we are 21 also my campus placements are coming his neet pg is coming but my heart cries every day i feel choked , i cried , choked and hurt my head it happens often but i still think we can not talk becos how can we move on from some body we talk but my depression at peak level i msg him with bigtext with all that goin on my life. should we talk ? as their is no rush to find other person we have to first focus on career how can we set boundaries? though if i talk i mak eme feel someone i can talk and make me releif at the sam etime it hurts if i dont talk also its hurts more as i ahve no one to talk with . he insisted me that we can be friends i can see u like this he wants me to be happy he feel he did the sin to me. Pls tell what will be good for me how can i be little releif what should i should i talk treat or my depression how ?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I am very sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is tough. I am also glad you found someone to share your pain with at that moment. Coming to your dilemma- whether you should be in touch with him- I understand that it is a great relief to talk to him, but that is momentary, isn't it? You cannot continue doing this if you two are broken up. Even though he is not planning to get married right away, the problem is that he will someday. Plus, more often than not, one person moves on faster than the other, and in your case, if it's him, it will hurt more. The right thing to do is sit and have a clear conversation. Discuss the possibility of getting back together. Ask what is in his mind and express what's in yours. But going in this circle will only hurt you more; maybe not today, but someday it will.

Now, coming to your depression, I would suggest sharing your pain with close friends but you mentioned you have none. That is not uncommon. Not all of us are blessed with it. In that case, I recommend seeing a professional therapist. There is absolutely no shame in it. Rather it will help you in sorting your feelings. Finally, you can take care of them without relying on your ex. I am sure you are doing a wonderful job in managing your depression but a professional counselor can help you come out of this in a more structured way. Please consider it. If you are not comfortable seeing someone in person, there are several counselors available online. Just try it once and see how that makes you feel.

Remember we all need help occasionally. You are amazing and you do not have to hold everything together alone.

Best Wishes.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1604 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 17, 2025

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Iam 27 years old .me and my boyfriend were in relationship from the last 5 years.he is my childhood class met.during corona time we reconnected through social media .we are from same place .initially we both were good friends later we decided to start our relationship.i belong to low caste.and he belongs to upper caste.in those 5 years we shared our happiness, sorrows together .he was with me in every situation.he helped me emotionally mentally and financially.every thing went well .we planned out future together.later our parents got to know about our relationship.i convinced my parents.but his parents are not accepting our love because of my low caste..i even took my father and brother along with me to talk with his mother . I even begged his mother by touching her feet to accept our love.she told me that she wants to do his sons marriage with a girl who belong to their caste. His parents are telling him that they will leave the home town and go somewhere else if he marries me.my boyfriend is telling me that his parents especially his mothers health will be effected if he marry me and asking me to move on..I asked me that whether he is ok to marry the girls of their parents choice..he told me that he doesn't have any option other than listing to his parents..I'm totally devasted .I'm suffering with anxiety, depression and continuous thoughts ..i want him.he also loves me but he is not daring to marry mee.he is worrying about his parents..how to deal with this situation..pls help mee
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Honestly, drop him...the reason for this must be obvious to you by now. When he is not willing to take a stand for his love, what makes you think he's ever going to support you later in life?
Also, maybe he does not want to or fears going against his family. How can you change that? Surely your love isn't enough to convince him of being with you in this relationship; then what else can?

It's going to be hard to get away from all those feelings BUT you are better off without someone who is unable to take a stand for you. And when it comes to anxiety, practice deep breathing...it does help...If this is getting unbearable, then do seek professional help from someone who can guide you through this break-up and thereafter healing.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Nayagam P

Nayagam P P  |4870 Answers  |Ask -

Career Counsellor - Answered on May 23, 2025

Career
Sir i got 91.97 percentile in jee main and belongs to general category from up. I want cse branch in good college in up. Please suggest me best college
Ans: Here is, How to Predict Your Chances of Admission into NIT or IIIT or GFTI After JEE Main/Advanced Results – A Step-by-Step Guide

Providing precise admission chances for each student can be challenging. Some reputed educational websites offer ‘College Predictor’ tools where you can check possible college options based on your percentile, category, and preferences. However, for a more accurate understanding, here’s a simple yet effective 9-step method using JoSAA’s past-year opening and closing ranks. This approach gives you a fair estimate (though not 100% exact) of your admission chances based on the previous year’s data.

Step-by-Step Guide to Check Your Admission Chances Using JoSAA Data
Step 1: Collect Your Key Details
Before starting, note down the following details:

Your JEE Main percentile
Your category (General-Open, SC, ST, OBC-NCL, EWS, PwD categories)
Preferred institute types (NIT, IIIT, GFTI)
Preferred locations (or if you're open to any location in India)
List of at least 3 preferred academic programs (branches) as backups (instead of relying on just one option)
Step 2: Access JoSAA’s Official Opening & Closing Ranks
Go to Google and type: JoSAA Opening & Closing Ranks 2024
Click on the first search result (official JoSAA website).
You will land directly on JoSAA’s portal, where you can enter your details to check past-year cutoffs.
Step 3: Select the Round Number
JoSAA conducts five rounds of counseling.
For a safer estimate, choose Round 4, as most admissions are settled by this round.
Step 4: Choose the Institute Type
Select NIT, IIIT, or GFTI, depending on your preference.
If you are open to all types of institutes, check them one by one instead of selecting all at once.
Step 5: Select the Institute Name (Based on Location)
It is recommended to check institutes one by one, based on your preferred locations.
Avoid selecting ‘ALL’ at once, as it may create confusion.
Step 6: Select Your Preferred Academic Program (Branch)
Enter the branches you are interested in, one at a time, in your preferred order.
Step 7: Submit and Analyze Results
After selecting the relevant details, click the ‘SUBMIT’ button.
The system will display Opening & Closing Ranks of the selected institute and branch for different categories.
Step 8: Note Down the Opening & Closing Ranks
Maintain a notebook or diary to record the Opening & Closing Ranks for each institute and branch you are interested in.
This will serve as a quick reference during JoSAA counseling.
Step 9: Adjust Your Expectations on a Safer Side
Since Opening & Closing Ranks fluctuate slightly each year, always adjust the numbers for safety.
Example Calculation:
If the Opening & Closing Ranks for NIT Delhi | Mechanical Engineering | OPEN Category show 8622 & 26186 (for Home State), consider adjusting them to 8300 & 23000 (on a safer side).
If the Female Category rank is 34334 & 36212, adjust it to 31000 & 33000.
Follow this approach for Other State candidates and different categories.
Pro Tip: Adjust your expected rank slightly lower than the previous year's cutoffs for realistic expectations during JoSAA counseling.

Can This Method Be Used for JEE April & JEE Advanced?
Yes! You can repeat the same steps after your April JEE Main results to refine your admission possibilities.
You can also follow a similar process for JEE Advanced cutoffs when applying for IITs.

Have some other options also as back-ups instead of relying only on JEE/JoSAA.

Want to Learn More About JoSAA Counseling?
If you want detailed insights on JoSAA counseling, engineering entrance exams, preparation strategies, and engineering career options, check out EduJob360’s 180+ YouTube videos on this topic!

Hope this guide helps! All the best for your admissions and a bright future!

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