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Caste-Based Love: Torn Between Love and Family Expectations

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1622 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 17, 2025

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Krushika Question by Krushika on Feb 14, 2025Hindi
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Relationship

Iam 27 years old .me and my boyfriend were in relationship from the last 5 years.he is my childhood class met.during corona time we reconnected through social media .we are from same place .initially we both were good friends later we decided to start our relationship.i belong to low caste.and he belongs to upper caste.in those 5 years we shared our happiness, sorrows together .he was with me in every situation.he helped me emotionally mentally and financially.every thing went well .we planned out future together.later our parents got to know about our relationship.i convinced my parents.but his parents are not accepting our love because of my low caste..i even took my father and brother along with me to talk with his mother . I even begged his mother by touching her feet to accept our love.she told me that she wants to do his sons marriage with a girl who belong to their caste. His parents are telling him that they will leave the home town and go somewhere else if he marries me.my boyfriend is telling me that his parents especially his mothers health will be effected if he marry me and asking me to move on..I asked me that whether he is ok to marry the girls of their parents choice..he told me that he doesn't have any option other than listing to his parents..I'm totally devasted .I'm suffering with anxiety, depression and continuous thoughts ..i want him.he also loves me but he is not daring to marry mee.he is worrying about his parents..how to deal with this situation..pls help mee

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Honestly, drop him...the reason for this must be obvious to you by now. When he is not willing to take a stand for his love, what makes you think he's ever going to support you later in life?
Also, maybe he does not want to or fears going against his family. How can you change that? Surely your love isn't enough to convince him of being with you in this relationship; then what else can?

It's going to be hard to get away from all those feelings BUT you are better off without someone who is unable to take a stand for you. And when it comes to anxiety, practice deep breathing...it does help...If this is getting unbearable, then do seek professional help from someone who can guide you through this break-up and thereafter healing.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |601 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Oct 08, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 07, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi Sir, am a 28 years old IT employee and my lover is 29 with the same profession. We have informed our love with our parents and we both belong to different castes. As we are different castes, his family is not supporting our love. His mom is very adamant and his entire family is against us. My mom is a government employee and my father retired from the private sector. My sisters were well settled in a good family after their marriage. My sister also does intercaste marriage. The problem is now my lover is not willing to marry me. He was the one who advised me to tell my parents about our love. He was strong till the beginning of August but he got emotionally stuck with his mom. I understand that I can't force him to get married to me but I loved him after all! I don't want to lose our relationship just because of caste and horoscopes. Caste is not in my hand as well as the horoscope. Can you please guide me on this?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I understand that you are stuck in a very challenging situation, but as you mentioned, you cannot force him to get married. I know it hurts, but you will soon realize that you deserve to be with someone who would prioritize you over caste and horoscope. While it is difficult to convince parents or go against their wishes, it is also important to stand your ground, especially if you are committed to the relationship. His lack of effort to make this relationship work is a little concerning.

Take your time and reflect on the relationship and your partner's efforts. If it seems good enough for you, or you can excuse his inactions, try to communicate with him and ask if he wants to give this one last try. But I would strongly suggest against trying to convince him. You do not need to convince someone to pick you; it should come naturally.

Best Wishes.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1622 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 24, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hello, I fell in love with a boy 6 years younger than me. Besides knowing that family and society will not accept this relationship I fell in love with him and we spend a beautiful nice happy moments with each other. My parents when get to know they forced me to stop my job snatched my phone stopped me to use any social media so that I cannot contact him. And I was not allowed to leave house alone. It's been 9 years now I still don't have my own mobile phone or are not allowed to leave house alone. In these years twice or thrice my partner's parents have called my father regarding our marriage proposal but my father refused. I have tried him alot of time that I can't marry anyone else we want to be with each other we love each other he just don't understand. I have even told him if not him I will always stay here without marrying anyone he said okay love here but I will not allow you to marry him. They are not of our standard he is younger than you he can't keep you. They even have told me false things like he has a girlfriend outside we have seen him with girl. He is alcoholic etc. my partner is now out of patience he said I need you with me now and when are you coming your parents are not agreeing it's been 9 years and same situation. So I initiated a healthy calm talk to my father again three days back. I told him I am 32 now and it's my decision I want to marry him. It might be a bad decision like you think but it would be my decision and I will bear the responsibility of that. And it will also help me to move on. I want to give a chance and want you to respect my decisions and he said you decision or wrong. He is not a good guy his mother has insulted me. And I said I am not living with his mother its him I want to spend my life with. He said I can't see your future their but I was firm on my decision and than he said I will think about it. Today my mother told my younger brother that father has said no to my decision. I don't understand i don't trust my mother she has lied to me before many times. And I am feeling stucked here
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Well, whatever the reason, it is not fair to make your partner wait any longer. 9 years is a long time and from their side, they have tried to approach your family.
Why your family does not want this to happen can have many reasons, but what is it that you want? What makes you stuck? 32 is a great age to start taking decisions of life, you don't think? Move on this else, you will wait another couple of years and then realize that you have wasted enough time.
So, for once, keep your side of the family aside (in thoughts) and then ask yourself: Am I ready to marry my partner?
If YES, you know what to do and if NO, then you are perhaps making your family an excuse and not willing to move into marriage.
Reality check, but a necessary one...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Dr Upneet

Dr Upneet Kaur  |44 Answers  |Ask -

Marriage counsellor - Answered on Feb 26, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 18, 2025Hindi
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Relationship
I am in a relationship from past 2 yrs with a guy from the same caste. Initially when we just talked he asked me directly for marriage but only if our kundali matches. He asked me if I trust on kundali. I answered yes bcz I wasn't in love with him then. He told he too trusts on kundali. Months passed and once he proposed me I too accepted bcz till then we really liked each other. After 1.5 yrs his mother contacted my mother for marriage proposal. Our mothers didn't know anything about our relationship, they both know each other. I asked him that we should tell our parents about us. He said let them do as per they want when time comes we will tell them. I agreed upon this but our kundali didn't match so I told him that we should tell now. But now he is saying that the kundali isn't matching we can't marry. He's been very caring, understanding towards me. Also he tells me that the kundali is not matching something bad can happen so this marriage can't happen. Otherwise why would he reject a girl he loves. I really cannot cope with this. I'm crying day n night but he tells me that there's no use of crying breakup happens in everyone's life, we can keep the relationship till any of us get married after that we'll stay friends. I'm with u always. These lines of him are tearing me apart bcz I haven't seen him being this much practical, or he really doesn't care about me, about our relationship.
Ans: Hello mam,
I am sorry that you have to go through all this stuff. I do understand that in India, it is difficult to go along with auch kind of stuff. If the person whom you want to marry is not ready to take stand for you and go against the kundali system, then there is no fun in crying for him or waiting for him. Love relationships are always two sided. Now if he feela that break up is a normal thing for him, then I would suggest you that you should also move on. There is no compulsion that you think of marriage right now but rather you should go ahead with your studies and carrer. At the right time, you will find your right partner.
I hope this helps. Plz write to me regarding your education and what do you want to pursue further?
Waiting for your reply.
Take care
Regards
Dr Upneet kaur
Reach me: https://www.instagram.com/dr_upneet

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1622 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 25, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 19, 2025Hindi
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I 29(F) from scheduled caste and 28(M) from OBC started dating 3 years ago. I had already seen a big family drama during my sister’s inter caste marriage but it turned out to be successful. I never hid my identity in front of the guy and specifically talked about it very early in the relationship in order to not have any issue later. The guy was extremely okay with it. More than one year into dating we told our parents about the relationship and both sides seemed fine with it. And we were happy. However, last year his parents completely flipped on the idea of accepting me when they got to know what specific caste I belonged to. I was pretty optimistic as I had already seen something similar in my family to turn out to be successful. So I thought I was the right person to guide him through this. However, months have passed and despite repeated attempts, his parents are not ready to agree. Meanwhile I kept comparing his actions and frequency of having the talk with his parents and found is efforts not up to the mark but I understand now that it was the best he could do. He has a very stressful job on top of it. So, both of us kept telling the other person to call it quits if either of us wanted to. But neither of us wanted to end it and it became a long hefty struggle. He stopped proper communication and I couldn’t handle it and it got worse. But still neither of us wanted to give up. Ultimately I talked to his mother to free her mind of any prejudice with regards to me. But she was very cold during the whole conversation. She said that her son is her pride and he’ll be dead for her if he goes on to marry me. She said that she knows her son and her son would never marry someone without her blessing and that she would never agree. When I talked to my partner, he had no reaction to his mother’s cold behaviour and instead told me to take a decision to call it off now that I had a clear picture in front of me. He says he cannot see me hanging forever because he doesn’t see his parents getting convinced ever and he can’t keep hurting them without any positive result. When I said that the fact that he was accepting his parent’s decision and not willing to try anymore made him a part of the problem and he hung up on me and we haven’t talked since. I wish we could have handled this better. Been there for each other. And even though neither of us wanted to give up, i did not anticipate this blunt and sudden end. I wish we could have still expressed how we felt for each other and moved on mutually and peacefully. But I think he couldn’t take any more pressure on himself. And he couldn’t see me suffering forever which is why he started withdrawing emotionally. I am unable to accept it still and I think i might wait for him forever.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
What is your question for me?
Let me assume that you just wanted to share and convey that you wish to wait for him forever.
What's the point waiting for someone who has decided to move on? Maybe he could not see you wait forever BUT he also did not take a stand for your relationship, right?
Taking things too far like what you are doing by waiting for someone who does not even acknowledge your love and presence in his life whatever the reason maybe, it's clear that he has decided to yield to what his mother wants. Even if he decides to be with you, do remember that his mother will be a huge influence in a not so great way on him and that may not be great for your relationship.
You have a great life ahead of you; why don't you experience life without him for a while and actually feel the weight lifting off your shoulders? At least you are not the only one who seems to be carrying on the burden of the relationship...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8936 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 18, 2025

Money
Hi Sir, I am 45 years old. Salaried 1.6 Lakhs per month. I have two kids -Son is 15 years old and daughter is 11 years old. I would like to retire at the age of 55 and allocate 1 crores for children education and marriage. I have own house and would like to have 3 crores as retirement corpus at the age of 55. My current investments are - 40L in mutual fund , 9 Lakhs in stocks and 15 Lakhs in PF. Monthly contributing 15K in PF and having SIP of 60K per month in mutual funds. Pls advise whether the current investments are sufficient to acheive my goal. Thanks.
Ans: At 45, your commitment towards early retirement, children’s future, and disciplined saving is deeply appreciated.

Let’s evaluate your goals, current resources, and what changes you may need. This answer will help you take corrective steps and prepare a practical, structured plan.

Understanding Your Financial Vision
You wish to:

Retire at 55 with Rs 3 crores retirement corpus

Allocate Rs 1 crore for children's education and marriage

You are already:

Saving Rs 60K monthly in mutual funds (SIPs)

Contributing Rs 15K monthly into PF

Have Rs 64 lakhs accumulated already (MF + PF + Stocks)

Living in a self-owned house (no rent expenses in retirement)

These are solid and encouraging building blocks. However, the key question is — are these numbers enough?

Retirement Corpus Requirement Evaluation
Let’s begin with retirement.

You are targeting Rs 3 crores at 55

This needs to support at least 25-30 years of retired life

Your monthly income today is Rs 1.6 lakhs

Retirement expenses (without kids' education or EMIs) may be around Rs 70K to Rs 90K/month

Inflation will make these numbers higher by the time you retire

So, Rs 3 crores is a reasonable and safe retirement goal.

But let’s now assess if you are on track.

Reviewing Existing Investments and Monthly Contributions
You already have:

Rs 40 lakhs in mutual funds

Rs 15 lakhs in PF

Rs 9 lakhs in stocks

You are also:

Contributing Rs 60K/month into mutual funds

Contributing Rs 15K/month into PF

That’s Rs 75K/month of disciplined investing. Very strong effort.

Still, we must assess future growth of each instrument, taking inflation and realistic return assumptions.

Suitability of Investment Mix
Mutual Funds – Rs 40L corpus, Rs 60K SIP monthly

You’re doing well with equity mutual fund SIPs

Make sure these are active mutual funds and not index funds

Index funds lack downside protection and underperform in sideways markets

Actively managed funds provide flexibility in dynamic Indian markets

Focus on diversified equity mutual funds

You must have a mix of large cap, flexi cap, mid cap, and select sector/thematic

Avoid sectoral overexposure, stay away from new NFOs without track record

Stocks – Rs 9L

Direct stocks are high-risk and need continuous monitoring

Don’t treat this as core retirement corpus

Use stock portfolio for opportunity-based returns only

No need to increase stock exposure at this stage

PF – Rs 15L corpus, Rs 15K contribution/month

Good for stability and conservative fixed income

PF will provide a safe retirement cushion

But do not rely on PF alone for retirement corpus creation

Rate of return is fixed and may not beat long-term inflation fully

Children’s Education and Marriage Fund: Rs 1 Crore Target
Your son is 15 and daughter is 11.

So you will need:

Partial fund in next 2-3 years (son’s education)

Major amount by next 10-12 years (daughter’s education and marriage)

This means you need to create a parallel corpus of Rs 1 crore without disturbing your retirement savings.

Plan of Action:

Allocate a separate mutual fund folio for this goal

Do not mix it with your retirement investments

Choose balanced advantage, flexi-cap, and large-mid funds for this purpose

Withdraw from equity gradually once goal is near (start moving to short-term debt funds 3 years before need)

You may already be on track here if you dedicate part of the Rs 60K SIPs

But if all your SIPs are targeted for retirement only, you must either:

Increase your SIPs by Rs 15K–20K/month

OR

Allocate part of your stock portfolio and annual bonuses for kids’ goal

Evaluating SIP Sufficiency Towards Retirement
Rs 60K/month SIP in equity mutual funds for 10 years will build solid corpus only if:

Funds are actively managed by competent AMC

SIPs increase 10% every year (step-up SIPs)

You don’t stop SIPs even during market crashes

You rebalance regularly through a Certified Financial Planner

If you stay consistent, you are likely to reach Rs 3 crore, but without much surplus.

So, there is limited cushion in your current plan. You’re on track, but only marginally.

Required Adjustments for Better Safety
Increase Monthly Investment Gradually

From Rs 75K/month, try to increase SIPs by 10-15% yearly

Use salary hikes, annual bonus, or incentives to fund extra SIPs

Keep PF as it is; no need to increase PF contribution beyond current limit

Separate Goals and Tracking

Create two sets of SIPs: one for retirement, one for kids’ education

Avoid mixing funds or redeeming prematurely from retirement corpus

Avoid Index and Direct Funds

Direct funds lack advisory, tax planning, rebalancing, and behaviour control

You may miss correction opportunities or exit too late during volatility

Better to invest via regular plans with a trusted MFD or CFP

They offer active support, periodic alerts, tax strategy, and customised advice

Many investors earn less not because of bad funds, but due to bad timing and behaviour

Certified Financial Planner brings discipline and strategy in market fluctuations

Insurance and Risk Protection
You didn’t mention any insurance.

At 45 with family responsibilities, review:

Term insurance: Ensure Rs 1 crore+ coverage till age 60

Health insurance: Have Rs 10–20 lakh family floater + top-up

Critical illness cover: Optional but useful after 50

Without insurance, even the best investment plan can collapse under sudden medical or death risk.

Emergency Fund
You didn’t mention cash reserves.

Keep:

At least 6 months' expenses in liquid or ultra-short duration debt fund

Don’t keep this in equity or PF

You may use part of your PF loan provision only if very urgent

Investment Behaviour and Tax Awareness
Stay invested during downturns

Market cycles are natural

Many investors lose by stopping SIPs in bear markets

Those who stay invested enjoy strong recovery

Tax planning

Equity mutual funds LTCG: Only above Rs 1.25 lakh taxed at 12.5%

STCG in equity: Taxed at 20%

Debt funds: Taxed as per slab

Plan redemption accordingly with a Certified Financial Planner

Avoid real estate as an investment

Your house is an asset to live in, not a liquid financial tool

Real estate requires high maintenance, has low liquidity, and tax issues

Better to keep your future investments in mutual funds instead

Retirement Withdrawal Strategy
When you retire at 55:

Don’t withdraw entire mutual fund corpus

Keep equity portion invested and withdraw via SWP

Use bucket strategy:

First 3 years expenses in ultra short and liquid funds

Next 5 years in balanced or hybrid

Long-term part in equity

This protects you from selling during market crash

A Certified Financial Planner can set this up and track annually

Keep Reviewing Progress Every Year
Your current SIP discipline is very strong. But review:

Fund performance every 12 months

Goal progress every year

Increase SIPs gradually

Exit underperforming funds only under expert guidance

Avoid chasing star ratings or social media hype.

Key Action Points
Separate children’s corpus from retirement corpus

Increase SIPs by Rs 15K/month if possible

Avoid index and direct funds; shift to regular plans via MFD with CFP support

Keep investing during all market cycles

Maintain term and health insurance coverage

Create an emergency reserve now itself

Use a Certified Financial Planner for tracking and behaviour control

Do not withdraw from mutual funds prematurely

Review and rebalance annually

Finally
You are very close to being on track.

But only with continued discipline, increased SIPs, and expert guidance can you safely reach all goals.

You are doing far better than most. But don’t take comfort and stay static.

Make small changes now. They will give huge benefits later.

Retirement at 55 is fully possible — but only with strong control on investment behaviour and cash flow discipline. With a Certified Financial Planner by your side, you can fine-tune this further.

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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