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Caste-Based Love: Torn Between Love and Family Expectations

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1745 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 17, 2025

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Krushika Question by Krushika on Feb 14, 2025Hindi
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Relationship

Iam 27 years old .me and my boyfriend were in relationship from the last 5 years.he is my childhood class met.during corona time we reconnected through social media .we are from same place .initially we both were good friends later we decided to start our relationship.i belong to low caste.and he belongs to upper caste.in those 5 years we shared our happiness, sorrows together .he was with me in every situation.he helped me emotionally mentally and financially.every thing went well .we planned out future together.later our parents got to know about our relationship.i convinced my parents.but his parents are not accepting our love because of my low caste..i even took my father and brother along with me to talk with his mother . I even begged his mother by touching her feet to accept our love.she told me that she wants to do his sons marriage with a girl who belong to their caste. His parents are telling him that they will leave the home town and go somewhere else if he marries me.my boyfriend is telling me that his parents especially his mothers health will be effected if he marry me and asking me to move on..I asked me that whether he is ok to marry the girls of their parents choice..he told me that he doesn't have any option other than listing to his parents..I'm totally devasted .I'm suffering with anxiety, depression and continuous thoughts ..i want him.he also loves me but he is not daring to marry mee.he is worrying about his parents..how to deal with this situation..pls help mee

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Honestly, drop him...the reason for this must be obvious to you by now. When he is not willing to take a stand for his love, what makes you think he's ever going to support you later in life?
Also, maybe he does not want to or fears going against his family. How can you change that? Surely your love isn't enough to convince him of being with you in this relationship; then what else can?

It's going to be hard to get away from all those feelings BUT you are better off without someone who is unable to take a stand for you. And when it comes to anxiety, practice deep breathing...it does help...If this is getting unbearable, then do seek professional help from someone who can guide you through this break-up and thereafter healing.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |676 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Oct 08, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 07, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi Sir, am a 28 years old IT employee and my lover is 29 with the same profession. We have informed our love with our parents and we both belong to different castes. As we are different castes, his family is not supporting our love. His mom is very adamant and his entire family is against us. My mom is a government employee and my father retired from the private sector. My sisters were well settled in a good family after their marriage. My sister also does intercaste marriage. The problem is now my lover is not willing to marry me. He was the one who advised me to tell my parents about our love. He was strong till the beginning of August but he got emotionally stuck with his mom. I understand that I can't force him to get married to me but I loved him after all! I don't want to lose our relationship just because of caste and horoscopes. Caste is not in my hand as well as the horoscope. Can you please guide me on this?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I understand that you are stuck in a very challenging situation, but as you mentioned, you cannot force him to get married. I know it hurts, but you will soon realize that you deserve to be with someone who would prioritize you over caste and horoscope. While it is difficult to convince parents or go against their wishes, it is also important to stand your ground, especially if you are committed to the relationship. His lack of effort to make this relationship work is a little concerning.

Take your time and reflect on the relationship and your partner's efforts. If it seems good enough for you, or you can excuse his inactions, try to communicate with him and ask if he wants to give this one last try. But I would strongly suggest against trying to convince him. You do not need to convince someone to pick you; it should come naturally.

Best Wishes.

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1745 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 24, 2024Hindi
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Hello, I fell in love with a boy 6 years younger than me. Besides knowing that family and society will not accept this relationship I fell in love with him and we spend a beautiful nice happy moments with each other. My parents when get to know they forced me to stop my job snatched my phone stopped me to use any social media so that I cannot contact him. And I was not allowed to leave house alone. It's been 9 years now I still don't have my own mobile phone or are not allowed to leave house alone. In these years twice or thrice my partner's parents have called my father regarding our marriage proposal but my father refused. I have tried him alot of time that I can't marry anyone else we want to be with each other we love each other he just don't understand. I have even told him if not him I will always stay here without marrying anyone he said okay love here but I will not allow you to marry him. They are not of our standard he is younger than you he can't keep you. They even have told me false things like he has a girlfriend outside we have seen him with girl. He is alcoholic etc. my partner is now out of patience he said I need you with me now and when are you coming your parents are not agreeing it's been 9 years and same situation. So I initiated a healthy calm talk to my father again three days back. I told him I am 32 now and it's my decision I want to marry him. It might be a bad decision like you think but it would be my decision and I will bear the responsibility of that. And it will also help me to move on. I want to give a chance and want you to respect my decisions and he said you decision or wrong. He is not a good guy his mother has insulted me. And I said I am not living with his mother its him I want to spend my life with. He said I can't see your future their but I was firm on my decision and than he said I will think about it. Today my mother told my younger brother that father has said no to my decision. I don't understand i don't trust my mother she has lied to me before many times. And I am feeling stucked here
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Well, whatever the reason, it is not fair to make your partner wait any longer. 9 years is a long time and from their side, they have tried to approach your family.
Why your family does not want this to happen can have many reasons, but what is it that you want? What makes you stuck? 32 is a great age to start taking decisions of life, you don't think? Move on this else, you will wait another couple of years and then realize that you have wasted enough time.
So, for once, keep your side of the family aside (in thoughts) and then ask yourself: Am I ready to marry my partner?
If YES, you know what to do and if NO, then you are perhaps making your family an excuse and not willing to move into marriage.
Reality check, but a necessary one...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Dr Upneet

Dr Upneet Kaur  |73 Answers  |Ask -

Marriage counsellor - Answered on Feb 26, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 18, 2025Hindi
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Relationship
I am in a relationship from past 2 yrs with a guy from the same caste. Initially when we just talked he asked me directly for marriage but only if our kundali matches. He asked me if I trust on kundali. I answered yes bcz I wasn't in love with him then. He told he too trusts on kundali. Months passed and once he proposed me I too accepted bcz till then we really liked each other. After 1.5 yrs his mother contacted my mother for marriage proposal. Our mothers didn't know anything about our relationship, they both know each other. I asked him that we should tell our parents about us. He said let them do as per they want when time comes we will tell them. I agreed upon this but our kundali didn't match so I told him that we should tell now. But now he is saying that the kundali isn't matching we can't marry. He's been very caring, understanding towards me. Also he tells me that the kundali is not matching something bad can happen so this marriage can't happen. Otherwise why would he reject a girl he loves. I really cannot cope with this. I'm crying day n night but he tells me that there's no use of crying breakup happens in everyone's life, we can keep the relationship till any of us get married after that we'll stay friends. I'm with u always. These lines of him are tearing me apart bcz I haven't seen him being this much practical, or he really doesn't care about me, about our relationship.
Ans: Hello mam,
I am sorry that you have to go through all this stuff. I do understand that in India, it is difficult to go along with auch kind of stuff. If the person whom you want to marry is not ready to take stand for you and go against the kundali system, then there is no fun in crying for him or waiting for him. Love relationships are always two sided. Now if he feela that break up is a normal thing for him, then I would suggest you that you should also move on. There is no compulsion that you think of marriage right now but rather you should go ahead with your studies and carrer. At the right time, you will find your right partner.
I hope this helps. Plz write to me regarding your education and what do you want to pursue further?
Waiting for your reply.
Take care
Regards
Dr Upneet kaur
Reach me: https://www.instagram.com/dr_upneet

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |645 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 21, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 20, 2025Hindi
Relationship
My age is 25 and I have completed my mbbs and started doing my job as a medical officer and my boyfriend is 27 and he is an civil engineer with mba.. I belong to ST caste and he is general.. Few years back my boyfriend had the same issue of convincing his parents.. His parents were nice to me but they too had the issue of what society will think but with passing years that has changed and now they are convinced... I had told my parents about him just recently when they were trying to find a groom for me who was also a engineer (my father's friend son)... My parents initially were happy to know that I have someone but the moment they knew he is of upper caste they are against me.. my mom even said that if he were a doctor of upper caste then also it would be fine... but now my mom has started blackmailing me that if you marry him we will abandon you and the society will look down on you and they will make me feel outcast and even threatened of killing and making a court case against my boyfriend.. My mother even said that you will be seen as a shame to our society... She even is saying that the boy wants to marry you for your money but the fact is his both the parents are in gov job and he too is in growth phase...He and I both know each other since the school days (10yr relationship till now) My father has stopped talking to me ... My mom has faced domestic violence still she is supporting marrying a unknown man even if he has some bad behaviour but he should be of our clan...now she even said some friends(boys )name from my medical College batch of my caste knowing they are my good friends to even marry them while she was against one of them after seeing one of them saying he is not good looking(before knowing I had a bf and suspected my friend to be my bf) ....She is even claiming that if in future if I marry their choice and something doesn't go right then also it's going to be my fault and she is saying if I marry in my clan and get divorced also I will find someone again of my clan... I even told her how can you say such things being a women but still she is like No... If you marry in our community you will stay happy... But in my own home both my father and mother can't tolerate each other for more than 2 days.. my father has job away from home... She isn't listening anything and ignoring all my points and calling me names and characterless... They are even saying they won't allow me inside the home if I marry him.... My whole life I have compromised myself even didn't allow me study at a good college during 12th because it was far from town and made me study at such a institute where most of the time teachers were changed.....even in such a situation I did my best to score good .... During the coaching time my mom even humiliated me for my looks and cursed me for being a girl... despite all these going I did my duties...But the moment I gained success she takes all the credit... But now that I have told them she is starting to treat me like an asset... She is forcing me to leave him by not telling him now and to ditch him... And also telling that you don't know but you won't be happy in their house... What did you see in himm? And telling me duffer But his family has helped me a lot in my job and never ill behaved with me or said bad about me even when they weren't convinced.. I don't know what to do now.. I had so much already going on since childhood... My bf is supportive be it my studies or job he always helps me out even if he isn't near me .... I tell him everything about what my parents are telling about him still he calms me down.. I know he must me hurt listening to all these things but still he keeps a smile on his face saying keep trying and if u need me I too will help you in this situation.... I don't want to loose such a person...
Ans: At 25, as a doctor and a working professional, you are capable of making your own life decisions. That doesn’t mean it will be easy—you may face temporary estrangement from your parents, and their words may hurt—but living a life based on fear and control will hurt you far more in the long run. A marriage built on respect, equality, and understanding is more valuable than one arranged only to satisfy social expectations.
Practical next steps: give yourself time to stand firm emotionally. Have calm but clear conversations with your parents, reminding them that you’re grateful for their care but your choice of life partner is yours to make. Don’t engage in shouting matches—draw boundaries when they cross into threats. At the same time, keep strengthening your bond with your partner, since his consistency is your biggest support system. If things escalate, be prepared to lean on legal protections for your safety and your right to marry.
You are not “characterless” or “a shame.” You are a strong, educated woman who has fought against odds to become a doctor, and you deserve the right to choose love freely. The real shame would be abandoning yourself to please a society that has never walked in your shoes.

..Read more

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Dr Dipankar

Dr Dipankar Dutta  |1837 Answers  |Ask -

Tech Careers and Skill Development Expert - Answered on Dec 05, 2025

Career
Dear Sir, I did my BTech from a normal engineering college not very famous. The teaching was not great and hence i did not study well. I tried my best to learn coding including all the technologies like html,css,javascript,react js,dba,php because i wanted to be a web developer But nothing seem to enter my head except html and css. I don't understand a language which has more complexities. Is it because of my lack of experience or not devoting enough time. I am not sure. I did many courses online and tried to do diplomas also abroad which i passed somehow. I recently joined android development course because i like apps but the teaching was so fast that i could not memorize anything. There was no time to even take notes down. During the course i did assignments and understood the code because i have to pass but after the course is over i tend to forget everything. I attempted a lot of interviews. Some of them i even got but could not perform well so they let me go. Now due to the AI booming and job markets in a bad shape i am re-thinking whether to keep studying or whether its just time waste. Since 3 years i am doing labour type of jobs which does not yield anything to me for survival and to pay my expenses. I have the quest to learn everything but as soon as i sit in front of the computer i listen to music or read something else. What should i do to stay more focused? What should i do to make myself believe confident. Is there still scope of IT in todays world? Kindly advise.
Ans: Your story does not show failure.
It shows persistence, effort, and desire to improve.

Most people give up.
You didn’t.
That means you will succeed — but with the right method, not the old one.

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |676 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Dec 04, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 02, 2025Hindi
Relationship
My married ex still texts me for comfort. Because of him, I am unable to move on. He makes me feel guilty by saying he got married out of family pressure. His dad is a cardiac patient and mom is being treated for cancer. He comforts me by saying he will get separated soon and we will get married because he only loves me. We have been in a relationship for 14 years and despite everything we tried, his parents refused to accept me, so he chose to get married to someone who understands our situation. I don't know when he will separate from his wife. She knows about us too but she comes from a traditional family. She also confirmed there is no physical intimacy between them. I trust him, but is it worth losing my youth for him? Honestly, I am worried and very confused.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I understand how difficult it is to let go of a relationship you have built from scratch, but is it really how you want to continue? It really seems to be going nowhere. His parents are already in bad health and he married someone else for their happiness. Does it seem like he will be able to leave her? So many people’s happiness and lives depend on this one decision. I think it’s about time you and your BF have a clear conversation about the same. If he can’t give a proper timeline, please try to understand his situation. But also make sure he understands yours and maybe rethink this equation. It really isn’t healthy. You deserve a love you can have wholly, and not just in pieces, and in the shadows.

Hope this helps

...Read more

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