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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1293 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 22, 2022

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Mr Question by Mr on Sep 22, 2022Hindi
Relationship

Hi Anu, I am Mr R.
Recently I came to read about the life situations many are facing and saw you are helping them. Am also in a situation like that. I am a single child to my parents.
I had a fair childhood till I reached my 8th std. From that point (I don't know why and how) my father changed completely. He started quarrelling with my mom about small things and things worsened. I have seen my mom crying all day. I didn't know what to do at that time. I felt lonely, alone, frustrated.
In my 11th grade, my father and mom decided to get separated. Father decided to sell our house but we had much debt in the bank as my mom had taken loans to build a new house. Later my father told her to sign in the divorce paper so that he could sell the house and give us the money to clear bank dues.
He sold the house for a huge amount but gave us a small portion of it, which was not enough to clear the dues. Mom fainted in the government office when he told that he won't give us a single penny. In family court I have seen mom crying in front of the judge when he asked whether she wants to continue with my father or get divorced. She did not have an option, but to tell the court judge she wanted a divorce.
From that day, I cared for my mom more than ever, more than my life.
I couldn't even think of anyone telling me bad about my mom. We moved to a rented house and stayed in rented houses for about more than 15 years.
My mom is 59 and will soon retire. She wants me to get married before her retirement. So I told her ok.
Things change here.... This is my situation now and I need help....
I wrote about my past life above because I want Anu mam to know why am writing this mail to you....

I was 28 when my mom wanted me to get married. But I was not ready for it.
I wanted a girl who would love my mom more than I did. I wasn’t sure if a girl from a matrimonial site would be able to love my mom.

However, one day my mom said she had found a good girl for me from a matrimony site and showed me the photo. She was from a rural area. We lived in the city. I asked my mom if will be a good match. She’d spoken to the girl’s family members and felt they were good. We decided to go and see the girl. When we went to her house, she was very polite and well behaved with my mom.
I felt like I was about to start a new chapter in life. That it will be a good beginning. But it wasn't.
Six months after marriage her attitude towards my mother was very rude sometimes. I felt bad but ignored. As days passed, she started debating with my mom for silly matters.
1. The first quarrel was regarding the name of a fish. We bought some fish in home... My mom said this fish name is xxxx.... My wife told the fish name is xx and they started debating
2. As am from Kerala, my mom had prayed that she will do my thulabharam if I get married before her retirement. In the temple my wife was meant to stand next to me during the ritual. However, when I searched for my wife she was standing far away. My heart broke. I began to worry if my life will also turn to be like my parents'.
3. Two months after my marriage I heard that my father had committed suicide. I went to the temple to complete his last rites.
As per the ritual, when I return home, my wife is supposed to prepare a sadhya (a full meal). But she fought with me for some silly matter and went to sleep without eating anything. She hadn’t cooked anything that day. My mother begged her to have food but she didn’t relent.

She’d quarrel on all festive occasions be it Onam or Diwali. I didn’t tell anyone about it.
When things get tense at home, she’d pretend to be ill and short of breath.

One day I informed her brother. What he told shocked me. He told me to ignore her saying she must be pretending. I am worried that if something happens to her, I’d be blamed for it.
With this fear, my mom and I are tolerating her.
After 2 years of marriage, she became pregnant and gave birth to a baby girl.
One day I saw my mom crying. When I asked her, she said that whenever my mother takes my baby in her hand my wife comes and grabs the baby away.
One day I closely monitored the situation. I saw her grabbing my baby from my mother when my mom took her. I asked my wife, what's wrong and scolded her.
The situation got worsened and she gave a silly answer.... She told me, she is worried about whether my baby will fall down from my mother's hand..... I informed her family and they gave her some advice and told her she need some doctor consulting regarding this.... While talking to their family I realised that she was like this before marriage as well.
After the advice, for a few days, things were calm. Later, she started again. She'd stare at my mom whenever she'd give any advice.
She is negative in all ways. Now her dad and mom have stopped calling me.

Today while writing this e-mail she’d scolded my mom for recording my baby’s video saying my mom will send it to everyone. My baby was wearing a top and diaper nappy. When I asked her why she is behaving like this to mom, she said that my mom is not good to her.
I cannot explain each and every quarrel but the reasons are quite silly. What should I do?

After my father's issues, I thought my life after marriage will be good but it’s proving to be wrong.
Waiting for an answer.

Ans:

Dear Mr R,

What exactly are you looking for as guidance from me?

That is something that you haven’t clearly stated.

Your narration of the story of your life gives me an understanding that you are at crossroads right now.

When at crossroads, ask yourself:

  • Where am I right now?
  • Am I stuck and unhappy?
  • How can I move forward from here?
  • What are the best alternatives that I haven’t tried before?
  • Have I done everything in the marriage to build it?

Clearly you and your wife see things differently and the only way is to sort this out if that’s what you want.

Coming from different backgrounds, there have possibly been a lot of adjustment issues for her.

Also, your closeness to your mother might have somewhat interfered in looking at your wife’s issues clearly and getting closer to her.

These are possibilities and since I do not know what you actually seek, I can only say: if you want to save your marriage, work on it with the help of your mother who as an elder can advise you appropriately.

It takes two people to build a relationship and it takes just one unrealistic expectation to bring that relationship down.

So, cast aside any expectation and approach this with a clear mind and a kind heart.

All the best!

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Anu Krishna  |1293 Answers  |Ask -

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Hi Anu mam, I want to share with you my life story because it now killing me everyday. I am 23 years old now and third (unwanted) child of my parents. I have two elder sisters, 2nd sister was adopted by my father's sister and now I have one elder sister only.If I talk about my childhood, I have no good memories, not a single picture of mine.My father has always been busy at our family shop, only source of our income with my bade papa.He never took any interest in my studies, school admissions, parents teacher meeting etc... He was always like a strict father without any strict responsibility on him. And my mother is a very simple and innocent Jain lady who believes in Jainism and God. So in my childhood we were not a united family, we were more like small scattered pieces of a family who were living with no hope and no future planning or future expectations.As a kid, I spent most of the time watching tv or playing cricket. I have feared to ask my dad to buy me a cricket bat due to which I stole money from his wallet and buy my things for which i’d be brutally beaten if caughtI studied in a Hindi medium school which was in front of my house. I studied there till 3rd class and then my mother did some efforts to get admission in English medium school but she didn't succeed. I took admission in another Hindi medium school. I worked hard at my level but never received any support from my parents especially from my father.I passed my senior secondary in the year of 2015 in Math stream with 69% and want to pursue Engineering but my father does not want me to pursue that he wanted me to pursue Law so I took admission at local university and completed my graduation in 2020.During my 1st year of graduation I realised that my father has an affair with someone. This caused serious trauma for my mother and me. We felt this was the reason for him not being interested in our life at all time. In my 3rd year of graduation I founded that my elder sister was in a serious relationship with someone which added to our trauma because we were also facing financial problems that time. The problem arose when 3-4 years ago I came to know that I have knock knee problem in my both legs since childhood. I couldn't tell about this to my family.So now I am unemployed, facing knee problem and depression. I don't know what to do. Should I leave my father for life and look forward to any small job and live my life, make my new family? I want you to give me advice according to my current situation. I will wait for your advice.
Ans: Dear AJ,

I can only imagine what it must be like for you. But I am not going to feel sorry for you as life presents challenges as opportunities.

You have had the opportunity to learn from each of your challenge, academically, personally, and professionally.

Focus on yourself now. What happened or didn’t happen in your childhood or the past only makes you feel like a victim and that isn’t useful when you are trying to solve a problem.

Focus on how you can better your quality of life despite your physiological issue.

Sit down with the doctor and ask:

How can I get treated?

Does it involve any surgery?

Will physiotherapy help in easing my condition?

You depression (which I imagine is self-diagnosed) is on account of you treating yourself as a victim, will change once you move into a positive mode where you treat yourself with respect and love.

Only you can better your situation and it is possible for you if you choose to look at all the things that are possible by you once you become mentally stronger. Then your academic or personal or professional challenges will not come in the way.

So Take Charge and NOW. All the best to you!

..Read more

Harsh

Harsh Bharwani  |62 Answers  |Ask -

Entrepreneurship Expert - Answered on Jul 04, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 23, 2023Hindi
Career
Dear sir i am 51 yr old ,i had a very tough life,i was bright and honest student..i got adhoc lecturer ship which i have to left as it was adhoc only i like my profession but i had to left ..than i join with help of my friend sales which i don't like but to earn i did and rose to higher management level...my married elder brother was having depression,i left the parental home to help him ,my parents were both retired govt employees getting good pension...i struggled to make both ends meet..later on my parents get medical trouble still my wife took care of them at my house.. I left the job in 2010 me and my friends who bring me job started the business but he ditched me the first day on business i take courage and continued the business... Meanwhile my parents refused yo help....after 3 yr of my business my parents come to help them as my mother has to do 3 month complete bed rest ,me and my wife helped them after that they come for 2 -3 months in a year for 5 years but after that my mother starts querlling with my wife ,i stoped their coming but told i will help them they need..i helped them during covid ,and other medical problems ,in 2021 my father passed away in i met an car accident my mother refused to give registery of copy in cour yo get bail..i stopped my all relation on this ...my daughter went to canada in sep 2021..i took 7 lacs loan and rest i paid from my savings ..this month her course was supposed to finish but what i realize that she failed in 13 exams..she told me first time than i told her to not worry i concentrate for future one but she lied and failed in other one also what she disclosed now,i have to pay further 10 lacs..my business is alo down and my son is not selected my medical field business,i have to collect aprx 40 lacs from market ,i tried hard for tie up overtake or job at this age but kot getting...it is become hard to run business with no family member in same business in future and tonpay to daughter ..i am gojng to shut it down in next month and do something else...with low cost business as i have to pay monthly salaries and rent of aprox 2.5 lac...i am in big trouble...No one to help me out..i never tried my 0mother brother sister whom i helped in their every cause...i knew they will not help as they not helped me in all my troubles...
Ans: I'm really sorry to hear about the difficult circumstances you've faced in your life. It sounds like you've gone through a lot of challenges and have been dealing with various setbacks. It's understandable that you may feel overwhelmed and frustrated at this point.
In times of hardship, it's important to remember that there is always hope and the possibility of finding solutions. Here are a few suggestions to consider:

1. Seek Professional Help: Given the complexity of your situation and the emotional toll it has taken on you, it may be beneficial to seek professional support. Consider reaching out to a counselor, therapist, or support group to help you navigate through your challenges and emotions. They can provide guidance and assist you in developing coping strategies.
2. Financial Assistance: If you're struggling with loans and financial obligations, it might be worth exploring options for financial assistance. Consult with a financial advisor or research available schemes, grants, or loans that could potentially help you manage your debts and ease the financial burden.
3. Career Transition: As you mentioned, shutting down your current business and exploring other low-cost business options might be a viable solution. Assess your skills, interests, and market demand to identify alternative business opportunities that align with your capabilities and resources. Consider seeking advice from business mentors or professionals in your desired industry to help you make informed decisions.
4. Network and Support: While it may feel like you're alone, reach out to your social network for support. Friends, acquaintances, or industry professionals might have insights, connections, or opportunities that could be beneficial. Building a support system can provide emotional support and potentially open doors for new opportunities.
5. Prioritize Self-Care: In challenging times, taking care of yourself is crucial. Make sure to prioritize self-care activities such as exercise, relaxation, hobbies, and spending time with loved ones. Maintaining your physical and mental well-being will help you navigate through difficulties with a clearer mindset.
6. Maintain Resilience: Remember that setbacks are a part of life, and resilience is key. While it may feel overwhelming now, focus on developing a positive mindset and persevering through challenges. Draw on your past experiences of overcoming adversity to fuel your resilience and determination.

Finally, know that it's never too late to make a fresh start or seek new opportunities. It may take time, effort, and a shift in mindset, but with perseverance and resilience, you can work towards a better future. Reach out for help, explore available resources, and stay determined. Wishing you strength and the best of luck as you navigate through this difficult period.

..Read more

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I am a 30-year-old woman from an upper-middle-class business family. I've been in a relationship for the past four years with a man who holds a government job, while I recently completed my MBA and started working at a reputable company. He comes from a modest background, and we are from different castes. About a year and a half ago, I introduced him to my family as a potential partner, but they were strongly opposed to the idea. At the time, I decided to let it go, but now I feel compelled to try again. However, I’m uncertain about how to approach my parents, and with time passing, I find myself questioning the decision to marry someone from a different background. What should I do?
Ans: First, it might be helpful to reflect on your relationship itself. After four years, you likely know each other well, and it’s good to take stock of what you value in your partner. Think about whether you see a long-term future together, especially in terms of shared goals, values, and mutual support. These are the foundational elements that matter most, regardless of background or status. If you’re truly aligned, you can have confidence that you’re making a choice based on a solid partnership.

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hello, I'm a 49F married for 21years. It was an arranged match, and from day one my husband and sister have not gotten along. I've also been naive and under my sister's control for a long time, which has angered my husband a lot. In March they both had a verbal altercation and have not been on talking terms. Now my husband is not letting my 18y son meet my sister. My husband is demanding a sorry from my sister, post which only my son can meet her. I'm really sad as my sister dearly loves my son, also I don't feel its morally right to involve children in family politics. And my sister will not apologize to my husband. Need help to understand on how to get my innocent son out of this mess. My husband is very controlling, very angry, very interfering person, overall he has a very negative perspective on everything.
Ans: It might help to approach this from a place of calm and clarity, starting by recognizing that both your husband and your sister likely feel hurt in their own ways. Your husband’s demand for an apology may come from years of built-up tension and perhaps a feeling that he hasn’t been supported in the past. On the other hand, your sister may feel hurt or defensive, making her unwilling to apologize. While it would be ideal for them to resolve this between themselves, you’ve noticed that it’s now affecting your son, and you understandably want to protect him from being caught in the middle.

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With your sister, if you have a trusting relationship, consider sharing that her relationship with your son is important, but so is reducing tension in the family. Without asking her to apologize, you might just express that a little openness on her part could make a big difference in helping your son maintain his connections.

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This is a tough situation, but focusing on your values—family harmony and your son’s well-being—can help guide you through it.

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Ans: Dear... Request you to mention the question in precise way to understand what exactly you require from us. Big question normally indicates state of confusion somewhere hence difficult to repply which will satisfy you.

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