Hi Anu, I am Mr R.
Recently I came to read about the life situations many are facing and saw you are helping them. Am also in a situation like that. I am a single child to my parents.
I had a fair childhood till I reached my 8th std. From that point (I don't know why and how) my father changed completely. He started quarrelling with my mom about small things and things worsened. I have seen my mom crying all day. I didn't know what to do at that time. I felt lonely, alone, frustrated.
In my 11th grade, my father and mom decided to get separated. Father decided to sell our house but we had much debt in the bank as my mom had taken loans to build a new house. Later my father told her to sign in the divorce paper so that he could sell the house and give us the money to clear bank dues.
He sold the house for a huge amount but gave us a small portion of it, which was not enough to clear the dues. Mom fainted in the government office when he told that he won't give us a single penny. In family court I have seen mom crying in front of the judge when he asked whether she wants to continue with my father or get divorced. She did not have an option, but to tell the court judge she wanted a divorce.
From that day, I cared for my mom more than ever, more than my life.
I couldn't even think of anyone telling me bad about my mom. We moved to a rented house and stayed in rented houses for about more than 15 years.
My mom is 59 and will soon retire. She wants me to get married before her retirement. So I told her ok.
Things change here.... This is my situation now and I need help....
I wrote about my past life above because I want Anu mam to know why am writing this mail to you....
I was 28 when my mom wanted me to get married. But I was not ready for it.
I wanted a girl who would love my mom more than I did. I wasn’t sure if a girl from a matrimonial site would be able to love my mom.
However, one day my mom said she had found a good girl for me from a matrimony site and showed me the photo. She was from a rural area. We lived in the city. I asked my mom if will be a good match. She’d spoken to the girl’s family members and felt they were good. We decided to go and see the girl. When we went to her house, she was very polite and well behaved with my mom.
I felt like I was about to start a new chapter in life. That it will be a good beginning. But it wasn't.
Six months after marriage her attitude towards my mother was very rude sometimes. I felt bad but ignored. As days passed, she started debating with my mom for silly matters.
1. The first quarrel was regarding the name of a fish. We bought some fish in home... My mom said this fish name is xxxx.... My wife told the fish name is xx and they started debating
2. As am from Kerala, my mom had prayed that she will do my thulabharam if I get married before her retirement. In the temple my wife was meant to stand next to me during the ritual. However, when I searched for my wife she was standing far away. My heart broke. I began to worry if my life will also turn to be like my parents'.
3. Two months after my marriage I heard that my father had committed suicide. I went to the temple to complete his last rites.
As per the ritual, when I return home, my wife is supposed to prepare a sadhya (a full meal). But she fought with me for some silly matter and went to sleep without eating anything. She hadn’t cooked anything that day. My mother begged her to have food but she didn’t relent.
She’d quarrel on all festive occasions be it Onam or Diwali. I didn’t tell anyone about it.
When things get tense at home, she’d pretend to be ill and short of breath.
One day I informed her brother. What he told shocked me. He told me to ignore her saying she must be pretending. I am worried that if something happens to her, I’d be blamed for it.
With this fear, my mom and I are tolerating her.
After 2 years of marriage, she became pregnant and gave birth to a baby girl.
One day I saw my mom crying. When I asked her, she said that whenever my mother takes my baby in her hand my wife comes and grabs the baby away.
One day I closely monitored the situation. I saw her grabbing my baby from my mother when my mom took her. I asked my wife, what's wrong and scolded her.
The situation got worsened and she gave a silly answer.... She told me, she is worried about whether my baby will fall down from my mother's hand..... I informed her family and they gave her some advice and told her she need some doctor consulting regarding this.... While talking to their family I realised that she was like this before marriage as well.
After the advice, for a few days, things were calm. Later, she started again. She'd stare at my mom whenever she'd give any advice.
She is negative in all ways. Now her dad and mom have stopped calling me.
Today while writing this e-mail she’d scolded my mom for recording my baby’s video saying my mom will send it to everyone. My baby was wearing a top and diaper nappy. When I asked her why she is behaving like this to mom, she said that my mom is not good to her.
I cannot explain each and every quarrel but the reasons are quite silly. What should I do?
After my father's issues, I thought my life after marriage will be good but it’s proving to be wrong.
Waiting for an answer.
Ans: Dear Mr R,
What exactly are you looking for as guidance from me?
That is something that you haven’t clearly stated.
Your narration of the story of your life gives me an understanding that you are at crossroads right now.
When at crossroads, ask yourself:
- Where am I right now?
- Am I stuck and unhappy?
- How can I move forward from here?
- What are the best alternatives that I haven’t tried before?
- Have I done everything in the marriage to build it?
Clearly you and your wife see things differently and the only way is to sort this out if that’s what you want.
Coming from different backgrounds, there have possibly been a lot of adjustment issues for her.
Also, your closeness to your mother might have somewhat interfered in looking at your wife’s issues clearly and getting closer to her.
These are possibilities and since I do not know what you actually seek, I can only say: if you want to save your marriage, work on it with the help of your mother who as an elder can advise you appropriately.
It takes two people to build a relationship and it takes just one unrealistic expectation to bring that relationship down.
So, cast aside any expectation and approach this with a clear mind and a kind heart.
All the best!
