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Overburdened and Traumatized: Balancing Mother's Responsibilities With My Own Life

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1186 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 23, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Aug 17, 2024Hindi
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Hi Anu. This might take up quite a bit of your time. I am currently stuck. Single child, lost father to a road accident at the age of 15; within a year, realised my mom's has got in to a physical relation with an already married person, all our 'relatives' trash talked about her. I was too young to understand her crisis of losing her husband at 40 and was struggling to accept her new torrid affair. Somehow, the man ditched her & mom left her temporary job (she took up after dad expired) & fell into a depression. We had landed up in extreme financial distress, so much so, that I had to quit Uni to take up job. Am working for the last 23 years, providing for her. My problem is now, am 45 & married with a teen kid, in-laws, job, health issues but my mom (now 71) is perennially complaining about her struggles in life.... what she never got - be it financial stability (as she has no savings, no pension & solely relies on my income), health, societal recognition (dont know for what). She is unhappy with her flat, neighbors, maid/ cook, relatives including my husband!! She doesn't even appreciate gifts which we give on various occasions, she back-bites about everyone known, completely phobic about her health! had sought counselling for her thrice, but to no avail. During Covid, she stayed with us for nearly a year - each minute she had a new complain. I get so stressed even talking to her over the phone or during my fortnightly visits. I know she is my responsibility, but dont feel the daughterly affection towards her...been so since the last 30 years almost. I still am not over the trauma i had during the high school days (i.e. when she was having her affair). I have never ever mentally felt connected to her since then. But I don't know how to let go the past, handle her & keep my sanity. Please suggest. Please dont publish my name.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Well, holding onto the past never anyone, did it? The more you play the 'wicked' past events back, it will attempt to even more real...So, try your hand at using that time to focus on the good stuff that you have now...
Your mother sadly has been using you as her caregiver rather than it being the other way round at least when you were younger. She chooses to play the victim card and continues to do so...so, the only way this can change is when she knows that you are not going to pay attention to her ask of attention in an unhealthy way.
Tune her into having conversations with you where she talks and not complains...Long task for you, but worth a try!
Also, start focusing on yourself...take a vacation; you have earned it!!!!!
Duty towards anyone need not become a drainer on care and attention towards yourself. So, when you start to do things for yourself, the past will lose its charm over you and yes, things start to change...try it, no harm, yeah?

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1186 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 22, 2022

Relationship
Hi Anu, I am Mr R. Recently I came to read about the life situations many are facing and saw you are helping them. Am also in a situation like that. I am a single child to my parents.I had a fair childhood till I reached my 8th std. From that point (I don't know why and how) my father changed completely. He started quarrelling with my mom about small things and things worsened. I have seen my mom crying all day. I didn't know what to do at that time. I felt lonely, alone, frustrated.In my 11th grade, my father and mom decided to get separated. Father decided to sell our house but we had much debt in the bank as my mom had taken loans to build a new house. Later my father told her to sign in the divorce paper so that he could sell the house and give us the money to clear bank dues.He sold the house for a huge amount but gave us a small portion of it, which was not enough to clear the dues. Mom fainted in the government office when he told that he won't give us a single penny. In family court I have seen mom crying in front of the judge when he asked whether she wants to continue with my father or get divorced. She did not have an option, but to tell the court judge she wanted a divorce.From that day, I cared for my mom more than ever, more than my life. I couldn't even think of anyone telling me bad about my mom. We moved to a rented house and stayed in rented houses for about more than 15 years.My mom is 59 and will soon retire. She wants me to get married before her retirement. So I told her ok.Things change here.... This is my situation now and I need help.... I wrote about my past life above because I want Anu mam to know why am writing this mail to you....I was 28 when my mom wanted me to get married. But I was not ready for it. I wanted a girl who would love my mom more than I did. I wasn’t sure if a girl from a matrimonial site would be able to love my mom.However, one day my mom said she had found a good girl for me from a matrimony site and showed me the photo. She was from a rural area. We lived in the city. I asked my mom if will be a good match. She’d spoken to the girl’s family members and felt they were good. We decided to go and see the girl. When we went to her house, she was very polite and well behaved with my mom. I felt like I was about to start a new chapter in life. That it will be a good beginning. But it wasn't.Six months after marriage her attitude towards my mother was very rude sometimes. I felt bad but ignored. As days passed, she started debating with my mom for silly matters.1. The first quarrel was regarding the name of a fish. We bought some fish in home... My mom said this fish name is xxxx.... My wife told the fish name is xx and they started debating2. As am from Kerala, my mom had prayed that she will do my thulabharam if I get married before her retirement. In the temple my wife was meant to stand next to me during the ritual. However, when I searched for my wife she was standing far away. My heart broke. I began to worry if my life will also turn to be like my parents'.3. Two months after my marriage I heard that my father had committed suicide. I went to the temple to complete his last rites. As per the ritual, when I return home, my wife is supposed to prepare a sadhya (a full meal). But she fought with me for some silly matter and went to sleep without eating anything. She hadn’t cooked anything that day. My mother begged her to have food but she didn’t relent.She’d quarrel on all festive occasions be it Onam or Diwali. I didn’t tell anyone about it. When things get tense at home, she’d pretend to be ill and short of breath. One day I informed her brother. What he told shocked me. He told me to ignore her saying she must be pretending. I am worried that if something happens to her, I’d be blamed for it. With this fear, my mom and I are tolerating her.After 2 years of marriage, she became pregnant and gave birth to a baby girl. One day I saw my mom crying. When I asked her, she said that whenever my mother takes my baby in her hand my wife comes and grabs the baby away.One day I closely monitored the situation. I saw her grabbing my baby from my mother when my mom took her. I asked my wife, what's wrong and scolded her. The situation got worsened and she gave a silly answer.... She told me, she is worried about whether my baby will fall down from my mother's hand..... I informed her family and they gave her some advice and told her she need some doctor consulting regarding this.... While talking to their family I realised that she was like this before marriage as well.After the advice, for a few days, things were calm. Later, she started again. She'd stare at my mom whenever she'd give any advice.She is negative in all ways. Now her dad and mom have stopped calling me. Today while writing this e-mail she’d scolded my mom for recording my baby’s video saying my mom will send it to everyone. My baby was wearing a top and diaper nappy. When I asked her why she is behaving like this to mom, she said that my mom is not good to her. I cannot explain each and every quarrel but the reasons are quite silly. What should I do? After my father's issues, I thought my life after marriage will be good but it’s proving to be wrong.Waiting for an answer.
Ans:

Dear Mr R,

What exactly are you looking for as guidance from me?

That is something that you haven’t clearly stated.

Your narration of the story of your life gives me an understanding that you are at crossroads right now.

When at crossroads, ask yourself:

  • Where am I right now?
  • Am I stuck and unhappy?
  • How can I move forward from here?
  • What are the best alternatives that I haven’t tried before?
  • Have I done everything in the marriage to build it?

Clearly you and your wife see things differently and the only way is to sort this out if that’s what you want.

Coming from different backgrounds, there have possibly been a lot of adjustment issues for her.

Also, your closeness to your mother might have somewhat interfered in looking at your wife’s issues clearly and getting closer to her.

These are possibilities and since I do not know what you actually seek, I can only say: if you want to save your marriage, work on it with the help of your mother who as an elder can advise you appropriately.

It takes two people to build a relationship and it takes just one unrealistic expectation to bring that relationship down.

So, cast aside any expectation and approach this with a clear mind and a kind heart.

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1186 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 31, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 27, 2024Hindi
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I 49 years old feel defeated, decieted, deceived & deprived sometimes; unaware where I am currently in my life? Was I on fault? We are now living separately since 2019 on pretext that childs allergy & education; without any communication even though after my couple of fruitless efforts of reconciliation both family and my end; earlier in joint family. I am with my parents but she is not. She is financially stable and independent in comparison to me. But even before 2019; she stated that she is no more interested in me and wants divorce. Our social life was effected even the child was deliberately kept at distant from me, rarely allowed to go with me. And before at the time of social separation, she straight away said that search for another you are just a biological to __ child. There is not need to call me and neither she or child has ever got in touch even though when my mother was severe and hospitalised. Over the time, I have realized and bit intuition or rather skeptical about her past treatment to me and now; that she tries to spy and also tracks me indirectly. I belong to a middle minority section of the society. Please guide; For me it’s a breakeven point in my life cause im stuck - between and there are concerns related to my mothers’ health. Life seems to be nowhere. Regards Kannu ***Please hide the above stated matter wherever required.***
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
There is not much information to bring out a fact that all of this happened for a particular reason. So, let's assume that there could a number of reasons precipitated on both sides.
First step: Appeal to an elder member on either side of the family to mediate to erase any misunderstandings between you and your wife
Second step: If the first step does not work, request a private conversation with your wife and know where her mind is at. Suggest going to a couples therapy to try and rebuild the connection
Third step: If the above doesn't work, talk to your family to get their suggestions on this and seek a good lawyer who must be briefed on the happenings. Make sure you tell him/her that your wife is capable of keeping the children away from you. You are involving the lawyer so that you know you can retain your rights of a father over his child.
Be patient and go at this step by step and watch where this lead you to...

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1186 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 23, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 21, 2024Hindi
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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1186 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 05, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 02, 2024Hindi
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Hi Madam. I am married from last one and half years now, there has been numerous fights in between small and big ones both. In between this time I have become a mother, and, my baby is 7 months old now. My husband does nothing, did nothing in past one and half years. He is only occupied with his work all the time, he goes to office everyday mostly. Right now my baby is 7 months old and from last 7 months me and my parents are taking care of the baby. And, he absolutely shows no understanding when it comes to looking after the baby. Am also a working person. Moreover I pay all the bills when it comes to getting household stuff, paying rent, all the expenses related to baby. He is so shameless that he just doesn’t care too, when I pick these topics or raise concerns about handling the baby he gets abusive. I am not sure what to do now! How insensible can a person get if no one sees my husband would never feel that person like him exist in this world. I feel like filing a divorce petition now. He was the one who wanted to have baby so soon. I was never ready. Now when I have the baby I am the only person along with my parents and sister looking after the baby.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Your husband wants a family without responsibilities and that's why neither is he interested in the baby nor in paying the bills...This is not just insensitivity but lack of emotional immaturity and the unwillingness to take on responsibilities head on...Approach a senior male member within the family who is someone that has been a role model to others in terms executing family responsibilities and is also caring and affectionate. This person can appeal to your husband and talk some sense into him.

If there's no one that fits the bill, the only option is to go to a professional for Couples Therapy. There's a reason why your husband avoids his duties as a husband and father and that needs to be uncovered and sorted out. It will also help the two of bond and connect better. Make this attempt before jumping into divorce; separating is a whole different world that comes with its own set of challenges and with the baby now in the picture, work at the marriage and putting things together.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

...Read more

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