
Hi Anu. This might take up quite a bit of your time. I am currently stuck. Single child, lost father to a road accident at the age of 15; within a year, realised my mom's has got in to a physical relation with an already married person, all our 'relatives' trash talked about her. I was too young to understand her crisis of losing her husband at 40 and was struggling to accept her new torrid affair. Somehow, the man ditched her & mom left her temporary job (she took up after dad expired) & fell into a depression. We had landed up in extreme financial distress, so much so, that I had to quit Uni to take up job. Am working for the last 23 years, providing for her. My problem is now, am 45 & married with a teen kid, in-laws, job, health issues but my mom (now 71) is perennially complaining about her struggles in life.... what she never got - be it financial stability (as she has no savings, no pension & solely relies on my income), health, societal recognition (dont know for what). She is unhappy with her flat, neighbors, maid/ cook, relatives including my husband!! She doesn't even appreciate gifts which we give on various occasions, she back-bites about everyone known, completely phobic about her health! had sought counselling for her thrice, but to no avail. During Covid, she stayed with us for nearly a year - each minute she had a new complain. I get so stressed even talking to her over the phone or during my fortnightly visits. I know she is my responsibility, but dont feel the daughterly affection towards her...been so since the last 30 years almost. I still am not over the trauma i had during the high school days (i.e. when she was having her affair). I have never ever mentally felt connected to her since then. But I don't know how to let go the past, handle her & keep my sanity. Please suggest. Please dont publish my name.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Well, holding onto the past never anyone, did it? The more you play the 'wicked' past events back, it will attempt to even more real...So, try your hand at using that time to focus on the good stuff that you have now...
Your mother sadly has been using you as her caregiver rather than it being the other way round at least when you were younger. She chooses to play the victim card and continues to do so...so, the only way this can change is when she knows that you are not going to pay attention to her ask of attention in an unhealthy way.
Tune her into having conversations with you where she talks and not complains...Long task for you, but worth a try!
Also, start focusing on yourself...take a vacation; you have earned it!!!!!
Duty towards anyone need not become a drainer on care and attention towards yourself. So, when you start to do things for yourself, the past will lose its charm over you and yes, things start to change...try it, no harm, yeah?
All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
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