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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1769 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 04, 2022

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
EJ Question by EJ on Oct 04, 2022Hindi
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Relationship

Dear Anu, I'm studying BTech final year. My love and I were in a relationship since 5 years. Things were fine till our diploma.
I got a seat in another college which was far from our place. At the same time, he moved to his hometown for house construction. There he met a girl. She is 34.
He used to talk a lot to her and got attached to her. He tells everything to me. He even said that people were spreading wrong rumours about them.
I told him to stay away till things got better. Since then he has stopped telling me much.
There was a recent fight in his hometown relating to both of them which annoyed him. He continues to say there is nothing wrong between both of us.
He used to love me a lot. Whenever I felt insecure or if there was any mood swings he used to make me calm and relaxed.
Now-a-days he always tells me ‘Wait. Don't call me.’ If I call him more, he just scolds me.

There are no sweet talks or setting time aside for a call, and all. He even says ‘I promised that I'll be with her at any time in any problem and now because everyone is spreading rumours I can't break my promise to her.’
What about me? Didn't you promise to make me happy? I feel betrayed.
I got angry and told him that my parents are seeing matches for me.
His reply shook me. He said: 'Go, get married.’
I was like ‘you aren't the same.’
I don't understand what to do or how to set things right.
My mental health is getting worse.

Ans:

Dear S,

Your letter is very confusing to me.

I hope your post is genuine and not just to have fun…despite that I will consider it real and try to suggest what I can though I find your facts very contradictory.

Keeping the age factor aside, what I can say is: if someone does not treat you well, what’s the point waiting for that person?

If he isn’t interested in you, why are you chasing him?

Please make your world better by being around people who respect and value you and watch how beautiful it all becomes rather than searching and begging for love. He clearly isn’t into you anymore. So, move on…

All the best!

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1769 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 06, 2022

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Relationship
Hello mam. I am in a relationship with a boy and we both love each other and also want to get married but he doesn’t trust me at all.I tell him everything, yet he thinks I am a liar and alleges that am cheating on him. He doubts me in every single thing even he don't allow me to talk to any guy or girl not even my friends and he doesn't like when I step out from my home.  He gets scared when I step out or get to my college. He keeps reminding me to not to cheat or not to talk with anybody. All these things got me into stress and frustration and I feel so bad that the person I love doesn't trust me.We had lot of fights because of this. He abuses me and makes me angry. As I am a college going student, I can't manage my studies because of fights and his bad behaviour.He always tries to prove me wrong and make me feel guilty. He thinks very bad about me and makes his own stories adding fake stories and allegations.  In the past 2 years there is not a single day when I didn't have to explain him. But he is not ready to accept. He only wants to hear what he thinks not the real truth if I say that u are misunderstanding me he says no he is 100% right and you are wrong. One of his friends put one story 2 years ago with a girl hiding her face and the top she is wearing on that picture. I have the same top and he knows it. He doubted that the girl is me. I am tired answering his doubts. I got so much anger and feel disrespectful.I love him; he is my first and one and only boyfriend.  I do everything for him. But he treats me rudely he always starts his conversation with doubt like: where are you coming from? even if I didn't go anywhere he thinks that I went somewhere to meet someone. He tortures and abuses me like this. Every time I forgive him but he kept repeating that behaviour.  I can't even live without him. I give him my love, time...my everything.  But I didn't get anything. He thinks that I always do things by planning but I don't. He thinks that I always want to ruin his life, break his heart or cheat him but that's all wrong. He is making his mind so negative he thinks so negative about me. Because of his doubts problem I don't talk to anybody -- no friends, no guys but he thinks that I am talking to any guy and I'm lying that I don't I give every possible proof but he didn't trust me at all.He thinks that I tell people about him I gossip about him but I didn't do that I didn't even talk to anybody. He doesn't even want to breakup with me. I explained him that for our peace we have to separate he didn't want that also. He put such bad allegations on me about my character, my sexual status. I am a virgin but I didn't accept that. He makes me feel so sad and helpless I don't know what to do I’m helpless I didn't even share these things with anyone. Sometimes I feel suicidal also.  He has just all control over my life my mind but also he didn't give me respect, love or value. Plzzz help me mam what should I do with his doubts and trust issue. I am so depressed, plzzzz help me out. I’m stuck in it.
Ans:

Dear BM,

Have you heard of emotional abuse? That is exactly what you have been facing.

And why are you putting up with this? Because you maybe feel a sense of validation in this relationship.

What sort of a relationship demands constant proving and to the extent of having to prove that you are a virgin.

How is it any of anyone’s business whether you are a virgin or not? This relationship is toxic and has begun to alter your personality and who you are meant to be.

Take charge and NOW. Be YOU and what you always stood up for, because all this putting up with his idiosyncrasies, is causing you pain and moreover your inner self does not want to allow it.

Yet you are stuck to it giving yourself the story that he is the only boyfriend. BREATHE, take a step back and OBSERVE.

It’s time for you to draw out a beautiful life ahead of you and colour it as brightly as you intend.

What exactly are you waiting for? More abuses, more toxicity to hit and dampen your sprightly spirit?

Get a hold of yourself dear girl, be brave and do the right thing. Help yourself…Seek close friends who will hold space for you!

You can do this. Best wishes!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1769 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 04, 2022

Relationship
Hi Anu, Nice to contact you. I came across many of your conversations online and I would like to share my life situation. If you could help in any way it would be a great support. I am married since 4 and half years now but we have stayed together only for 1 and half years. Rest of it was purely long-distance relationship. It was an arranged marriage and I entered it with great hope and dreams. I still believe I have had only bare minimum expectations from my partner as that of any young woman. After the marriage got fixed I had to leave my job and stay at my hometown. He works in a distant state. We were all hoping that after marriage, I’d go and live with him so will search for a job later. Even during prewedding discussions the talk was that he will shift to a new home before marriage and after marriage he will take me along with him. But two weeks after our wedding he left to work leaving me at his home with his parents in our hometown. He didn’t explain or give any reasons. It broke me. Those 2 weeks were wonderful and the best time of our marriage life. He came after 2 months, rented a new house and took me with him. It was good although small and silly arguments would happen. He loved me and I stayed there for a month. We returned to hometown after a month. He left me there and returned to work in 1 week’s time. I stayed with his parents (in between his mother met with an accident and I stayed with her for like 2 months). He took me back to his place for 3 months. When financial circumstances got bad, he changed. He stopped expressing love in any form other than getting me variety of food items. There was no romance, small talks or travelling outside. He sent me back to my parents’ place for 7 months. It made me really mad and we started to fight over the phone making us more distant. He was facing financial crisis, I wanted to be supportive but he never shared his feelings or plans with me. I never felt involved. Without a job I went into depression. To sort things, I stayed with him for 9 months looking for a job. He never showed any interest. I stayed at home for all those months feeling depressive and insecure. There was no romance, emotional or physical.He is perfect in his words and promises but never in his actions. I believed and waited for 3 years. Then my in laws suggested a job but it was at my native place. As it suited my educational qualifications I showed interest and he said okay. I applied and got the job. Since then I have not visited him at his work place. It’s been 2 years now and I stay with his parents. Due to covid he didn’t come for home for a 1 and half. A few months ago he came and stayed for a week. When people see us it’s 4 and 1/2 years of marriage but for us it’s not. Since we don’t have kids people are suspecting a lot. I don’t blame them.Clearly not everything is alright.My husband is a lovely person and he cares so much but I feel he is controlling me. May be because of his lack of emotional availability. But many things have bothered me a lot since our wedding.My husband and I have never visited or travelled a place alone, ever. We never had a honeymoon.My husband has never introduced me to any of his friends.I know nothing of him through a third person, all I know is what he has told me.These days he hardly calls me. I tend to get more frustrated and cry sometimes by sharing my feelings with him if he called very late at night. So he stopped calling me. When I asked he replied “when I call at night you are complaining, fighting and crying so I don’t call” He is running away from situations. I replied to him “you know that I will cry and there is a reason for that. Instead to solving the situation and not to make me cry, you would rather prefer not to call”. He said “Yes”. So he refrains from anything that upsets him. Long time ago due to some misunderstandings I refused to be physically romantic with him and he did the same to me for months and years which is also why we don’t have kids. But I cant explain or share this with anyone. I doubt about my future as I am scared that I will never be blessed with a life with shared love and romance.I miss myself being in love and happy.I miss my own very smile.I don’t put all the blame on him because I know am not perfect. But am not that evil to be punished like this in my life. I do deserve some happiness. He hasn’t abused me but absence of abuse doesn’t mean a healthy relationship. I have always felt lonely. Rather than love I have felt more judged for my actions and thoughts.There is not a single day in life where I do not think about leaving this relationship but it has become very difficult to picture a happy healthy future with him.It has become hard to have a simple conversation with him now.I hope for a healthy relationship in which my partner and I could be vulnerable to one and other.Am I expecting too much from him? Is it that am not good enough for him?Will this too pass? I am worried.I would like to stay anonymous.
Ans:

Dear Anonymous,

These are your words that stood out for me.

‘I miss myself being in love and happy.

'I miss my own very smile.'

So, who is stopping you from these? Be in love, be happy, smile when you want.

You have tied these things to your marriage and have hoped that putting things together will bring a smile back on your face. As much as it’s true, it won’t be long lasting.

Now let’s focus on your marriage. What is this ‘being sent here, sent back there’?

What are you, some parcel/courier package to be sent here and there at will?

The first time that you felt that this being sent here and there was NOT OKAY, that would have been the time to voice it out.

Situations of a husband and wife being physically apart can come in anytime during a marriage. But this has to be handled with a lot of love and communication and not keeping silent and controlling it his way.

What has caused your hurt is the fact of non-communication from him, inability to validate your feelings, making you feel guilty for expressing your feelings and his unwillingness to work on this?

Request a person known to both of you to mediate to set up a meeting if both of you want to be in this marriage and live in peace and harmony. If you don’t step up now, things will be emotionally draining.

Also, as a woman, you don’t have to feel guilty for saying that something is not alright and that you want things to be different. You do not have to mask it with a statement that ‘he is a good man’ etc.

Be honest to yourself about what you feel and what you want. It helps putting things into perspective faster. STEP UP NOW and SPEAK.

Do that favour onto yourself please and also expect things to go the other way especially if he does not want to mutually set things right.

No matter what, know that strength from within is what will help you sort things for the better.

Be strong and value yourself. All the best!

..Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |656 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 09, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 08, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
My boyfriend of last 2.5 years who is 25 years old and has a 11 years age gap with me has decided to get married to someone else as per families choice. I am writing to understand few things: we started of casually where i proposed to him. He initially hesitated and after thinking for few days, also wanted to start the relationship. Later time went by we became involved at deeper levels. We spent majority of the times together, have shared goals, we lookout for each other. He doesn't state his feelings very often. He takes care, enjoys spending time, we planned tris together, we know our families but not that we are involved. He takes care of many things and it was almost like a live-in. Now and then he used to come up and tell we should stop, I'll be like give us time when rhe thing about marriage comes we will see. Now the thing is initially when he wanted to leave he was telling we are like Radha and Krishna, now when i am standing my ground that i can't see him with another girl, he is telling i was never in love with you. He never tells i love you and i have accepted it that way. Now he is telling me that it was my thoughts that we are in love but he was never in love. Im a person well established in my field and holding 3 degrees , pursuing further Higher Education. He needed me during his studies, ive told it to him multiple times that you needed me when you had work. Ive inspired him to do things he never thought of. But now it is firing back. I was a mentor, a friend, a girlfriend, a cook, an everything. Where did i go wrong to think that it is love? What do i do? I feel jealous to see him with anyone. Please guide
Ans: His sudden change in behavior—claiming he was never in love—seems like a way to distance himself emotionally because of family pressure. It doesn’t mean you were wrong in your feelings; it shows he might have been conflicted all along.

Seeing him with someone else hurts, and that’s natural. You’ve given so much of yourself, and it’s hard to accept that it wasn’t reciprocated in the way you hoped. Right now, focus on healing and remember that you deserve someone who values you fully. Take the time you need to process this, and know that you didn’t do anything wrong. This is more about his struggles than anything you did.

Moving forward, it's essential to prioritize your own emotional well-being. This situation may require some time to process and heal from, and it's okay to feel sad, angry, or confused during this time. Consider reaching out to a trusted friend, therapist, or counselor who can help you navigate these emotions and start focusing on your own needs and future.

In time, you might come to realize that this relationship, while significant, wasn’t the only path to happiness and fulfillment. You deserve a partner who reciprocates your love, acknowledges your worth, and is willing to build a future with you. For now, give yourself permission to grieve, but also start thinking about how you can rebuild your sense of self and eventually open up to new possibilities in your life.

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |11045 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Feb 27, 2026

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 27, 2026Hindi
Money
I am a corporate IT employee working as a senior development lead in an MNC with 17 years of experience. I am 40 years old with 6 years old son. My current portfolio includes the following. 1. PF balance is 26 lakhs 2. company shares worth 19lakhs. 3. mutual funds worth 1.4 crores. 4. I have life insurance policy worth 20 lakhs as asset 5. NPS corpus 14 lakhs 6. Home worth 1 crores I have a home loan outstanding of rupees 63 lakhs for 12 years and EMI of which is 68000 rupees with 8.5 percent ROI. My gross salary is 3.75 lakhs and in-hand salary is Rs 221000. I get a bonus of 15 percent of my gross salary and a annual raise of 7 percent. My basic salary is Rs. 128000. I do mutual fund SIP of 1 lakh a month. Other savings in each month includes or deducted are Pf 31k, NPS 17k and company share 16k. . I want to retire in 3/5 years. Also keep in mind that : 1. My current Monthly expenses of 50k is excluding loan emi. 2. I will keep SIP 1 lakhs and will not prepay home loan till I retire or suggest should I prepay or grow my Mutual fund instead. 3. The retirement expenses should rise as per inflation and a bit more for lifestyle upgrade. 4.Also I have a term insurance of 50lakhs which I will continue post retirement aswell. 5. I am planning to settle my home loan outstanding with my gratuity, company share and full and final settlement when I leave company. Assuming my monthly current expenses as 50k and can be increased with inflation and lifestyle upgrade and having own home, Suggest if I can retire in 3 or 5 years taking into consideration of my loan outstanding liability and 1 kid of 6 years old's future expenses like study and marriage and my retirement expenses ?
Ans: You have built a very strong financial base at 40. Your savings rate is excellent. Your discipline in SIP, PF, NPS and equity exposure shows maturity. Very few people at your age reach this level of corpus. That is a big positive.

Now let us evaluate this calmly and practically.

» Your Current Financial Position

– Mutual Funds: Rs 1.4 crore
– PF: Rs 26 lakhs
– NPS: Rs 14 lakhs
– Company Shares: Rs 19 lakhs
– Home Value: Rs 1 crore
– Outstanding Loan: Rs 63 lakhs
– Monthly Expense (excluding EMI): Rs 50,000
– EMI: Rs 68,000

Your total financial assets are strong. But retirement decision depends on cash flow sustainability, not just asset size.

» Retirement in 3 Years – Is It Practical?

If you retire at 43:

– Your son will be only 9 years old.
– You will have at least 40+ years of post-retirement life.
– Education costs will rise sharply after 5–10 years.
– Inflation will steadily increase your lifestyle expenses.

Today expense is Rs 50k. In 10–12 years it can easily double or more. Also lifestyle upgrade is expected, as you rightly mentioned.

Even if you clear the home loan using gratuity, shares and settlement:

– Your investible corpus will reduce.
– You will depend fully on investments for income.
– No salary cushion.
– Child education peak years not yet started.

Retiring in 3 years looks aggressive and financially tight.

» Retirement in 5 Years – More Realistic?

If you work till 45:

– Your MF corpus may grow significantly with continued Rs 1 lakh SIP.
– PF and NPS will also grow.
– Bonus and annual increment will add strength.
– You will reduce risk of sequence of return shock.

By 45, if your corpus grows meaningfully and loan is closed, early retirement becomes more realistic.

Even then, you must evaluate whether corpus can generate inflation-adjusted income for 40+ years without erosion.

» Home Loan – Prepay or Continue?

Current loan rate: 8.5%

You are investing heavily in equity mutual funds.

Long-term equity returns historically beat 8.5%. So from a pure mathematical view, continuing SIP instead of prepaying makes sense.

But retirement planning is not only maths. It is about risk comfort.

If your plan is to close loan using:

– Gratuity
– Company shares
– Final settlement

That is a reasonable strategy. It preserves compounding now and gives mental freedom at retirement.

I would not suggest aggressive prepayment now if retirement corpus growth is priority.

» Child Education & Marriage Planning

Your son is 6.

– Higher education likely in 12 years.
– Marriage maybe 20+ years later.

Education cost inflation is higher than normal inflation.

You must mentally earmark a separate corpus within your mutual funds for:

– Graduation
– Post graduation (if abroad, very high cost)

This amount should not be mixed with retirement corpus.

If this segregation is not done, early retirement becomes risky.

» Risk in Company Shares

You have Rs 19 lakhs in company shares.

– This is concentration risk.
– Your salary and wealth both depend on same company.

Before retirement, gradually reduce this exposure and diversify into professionally managed mutual funds.

» Term Insurance

You mentioned:

– Rs 50 lakh term cover
– Rs 20 lakh life policy (investment type)

At 40 with dependent child and non-working spouse, Rs 50 lakh term cover is on the lower side.

If you retire early, income stops. But responsibility remains.

You may need to review total risk cover adequacy before retirement decision.

» Retirement Income Sustainability

Today expense Rs 50k.

After loan closure and lifestyle upgrade, assume:

– Rs 70k–80k in near future
– With inflation, it may cross Rs 1.5–2 lakh per month in 20–25 years.

Retirement corpus must survive:

– Market volatility
– Inflation
– Child education withdrawal
– Medical inflation
– 40+ years longevity risk

Early retirement at 43 needs a very large cushion. At present, it appears borderline unless markets perform very strongly.

» What I Would Suggest

– Target retirement at 45 instead of 43.
– Continue Rs 1 lakh SIP strictly.
– Do not prepay loan now.
– Close loan fully at exit using settlement and shares.
– Reduce company stock concentration slowly.
– Separate child education corpus mentally and structurally.
– Review term cover adequacy.
– Keep 2 years expenses in safe instruments before retirement to manage market volatility.

» Important Behavioural Question

Ask yourself:

Do you want complete retirement?
Or financial independence with option to consult, freelance, part-time?

At 45, shifting to lower stress income option may be wiser than full retirement.

That reduces pressure on corpus.

» Final Insights

– You are financially disciplined and ahead of many peers.
– Retirement in 3 years looks risky.
– Retirement in 5 years can be possible if markets support and corpus grows strongly.
– Child education and longevity are the biggest risk factors.
– Loan closure at retirement is a good psychological move.
– Focus on building bigger margin of safety.

Early retirement is possible for you. But it should be done with strength, not stress.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in

https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Dr Dipankar

Dr Dipankar Dutta  |1856 Answers  |Ask -

Tech Careers and Skill Development Expert - Answered on Feb 26, 2026

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |11045 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Feb 26, 2026

Money
Hi Ramalingam Sir, Very fond of your guidance. I`ve invested in ICICI Prudential Guranteed Income Plan with PPT of 10 Years & Policy Term is 11 Years. The Yearly Premium is 5 lakhs with Guaranteed Early Income i.e which started from 2nd year onwards is 1.19 Lacs. After 11th year Guaranteed Yearly Income will be 6.38 Lacs. I started this Policy in 2022. Very soon I realized that this is not worth of investing my money. I decided to stop Premium after 2 years which made my Policy as Paid up status which means all benefits are reduced but Policy is Active. I changed myself as I did mistakes in Past (by taking this policy) and now I read each clause very carefully. Now in this case If i surrender, the Surrender value is calculated based on Guaranteed factor X Total premium paid - Income already Paid. Now currently Surrender value is 2.9 Lacs as GV factor is 50%. This factor will improve Gradually with time and by 9th year it will went to 90%. I want to Surrender but now will incur heavy loss (approx. 4.8 lacs) ( to me while in 9th year at least I`ll get 90% of my Premiums back. So pl. advice what is right approach as when should i think for Surrender. As of now by God grace I`m not in any financial emergency. Further is my understanding correct that SV will rise with time. Thanks in advance for your guidance.
Ans: It is very good that you have started reading your policy papers so closely now. Most people do not take the time to understand the fine print, but you have already taken a big step by identifying that this plan does not match your long-term goals. Your ability to stop the premium early shows you are now in control of your money.

» Understanding your paid-up policy and surrender value

Your understanding of how the Surrender Value (SV) works is mostly right. In these types of plans, the Guaranteed Surrender Value factor does go up as the years pass. However, there is a catch. While the percentage factor increases, the insurance company also deducts the income they have already paid out to you from the final amount. Even if you wait until the 9th year to get 90% of your premiums back, you are losing out on the "time value" of that money. Money sitting in a low-yield environment for nine years loses its buying power because of inflation.

» The math behind surrendering now versus later

If you surrender today, you take a big loss of Rs. 4.8 lakhs. This feels painful. But if you keep the money locked in just to avoid the loss, you are essentially letting the company hold your remaining Rs. 2.9 lakhs for several more years at a very low return. A 360-degree view suggests that if you take the money out now and put it into a productive asset like a diversified portfolio of actively managed mutual funds, that money can work much harder for you. Actively managed funds are great because a professional fund manager chooses the best stocks to beat the market, unlike other options that just follow a fixed list.

» Why regular funds and expert guidance matter

Since you mentioned you want to be careful now, it is better to invest through regular plans with the help of a Certified Financial Planner. Many people think direct funds are better because of lower fees, but they often end up making emotional mistakes or picking the wrong funds without a guide. A regular plan gives you access to professional advice and periodic reviews, which ensures you stay on track. This expert support is worth much more than the small cost difference, especially when you are trying to recover from a past investment mistake.

» Opportunity cost and your next steps

Since you do not have a financial emergency, you have a great chance to build wealth. Instead of waiting years just to get your original 5 lakhs back, you can take what is left and start a Systematic Investment Plan (SIP). Over the next seven to eight years, a well-managed equity fund could potentially grow that small amount into something much larger than what the insurance policy would ever pay. The loss you take today is the "fees" for a valuable lesson, but staying in the plan is a continuous cost.

» Tax rules to keep in mind

When you move your money to equity mutual funds, remember the tax rules. If you hold your investment for more than a year, it is called Long Term Capital Gain (LTCG). Any profit above Rs. 1.25 lakh is taxed at 12.5%. If you sell before one year, the profit is taxed at 20%. This is still very efficient compared to many other products.

» Finally

The best approach is usually to exit such low-yield insurance-cum-investment plans as soon as possible. Since your policy is already paid-up, it is not eating new money, but it is wasting your old money. Surrendering now and moving the funds into actively managed mutual funds through a regular plan will likely put you in a much stronger position by the 11th year compared to waiting for the policy to mature.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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