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Seeking Clarity: 25 Year Old Boyfriend Chooses Arranged Marriage Over 11-Year Age Gap Relationship

Kanchan Rai |566 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 09, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 08, 2024Hindi

My boyfriend of last 2.5 years who is 25 years old and has a 11 years age gap with me has decided to get married to someone else as per families choice. I am writing to understand few things: we started of casually where i proposed to him. He initially hesitated and after thinking for few days, also wanted to start the relationship. Later time went by we became involved at deeper levels. We spent majority of the times together, have shared goals, we lookout for each other. He doesn't state his feelings very often. He takes care, enjoys spending time, we planned tris together, we know our families but not that we are involved. He takes care of many things and it was almost like a live-in. Now and then he used to come up and tell we should stop, I'll be like give us time when rhe thing about marriage comes we will see. Now the thing is initially when he wanted to leave he was telling we are like Radha and Krishna, now when i am standing my ground that i can't see him with another girl, he is telling i was never in love with you. He never tells i love you and i have accepted it that way. Now he is telling me that it was my thoughts that we are in love but he was never in love. Im a person well established in my field and holding 3 degrees , pursuing further Higher Education. He needed me during his studies, ive told it to him multiple times that you needed me when you had work. Ive inspired him to do things he never thought of. But now it is firing back. I was a mentor, a friend, a girlfriend, a cook, an everything. Where did i go wrong to think that it is love? What do i do? I feel jealous to see him with anyone. Please guide

Ans: His sudden change in behavior—claiming he was never in love—seems like a way to distance himself emotionally because of family pressure. It doesn’t mean you were wrong in your feelings; it shows he might have been conflicted all along.

Seeing him with someone else hurts, and that’s natural. You’ve given so much of yourself, and it’s hard to accept that it wasn’t reciprocated in the way you hoped. Right now, focus on healing and remember that you deserve someone who values you fully. Take the time you need to process this, and know that you didn’t do anything wrong. This is more about his struggles than anything you did.

Moving forward, it's essential to prioritize your own emotional well-being. This situation may require some time to process and heal from, and it's okay to feel sad, angry, or confused during this time. Consider reaching out to a trusted friend, therapist, or counselor who can help you navigate these emotions and start focusing on your own needs and future.

In time, you might come to realize that this relationship, while significant, wasn’t the only path to happiness and fulfillment. You deserve a partner who reciprocates your love, acknowledges your worth, and is willing to build a future with you. For now, give yourself permission to grieve, but also start thinking about how you can rebuild your sense of self and eventually open up to new possibilities in your life.

Asked on - Aug 11, 2024 | Answered on Aug 12, 2024

Hi, Thank you for your response! Is it a good idea to talk to his parents?

Ans: First, consider his feelings and intentions. If he's already decided to follow his family's wishes and marry someone else, talking to his parents might not change his mind. It's crucial to understand where he stands and whether he's willing to fight for your relationship. If he isn't, even if his parents were supportive, it might not lead to the outcome you hope for.

Also, think about the dynamics within his family. If his family is very traditional or if they've already made up their minds about his marriage, your conversation with them could potentially create tension or conflict. It might also put additional pressure on him, which could strain your relationship further.

Your emotional well-being is another important factor. Speaking with his parents could be emotionally challenging, and if they don't respond positively, it might lead to further hurt. It's important to weigh whether the potential outcome is worth the emotional risk.

If you do decide to talk to his parents, it’s essential to have his support or at least inform him beforehand. Going behind his back could cause issues between you two, especially if he’s already made his decision.

If you still feel strongly about talking to his parents and believe it could make a difference, approach the conversation calmly and respectfully, explaining your feelings and the depth of your relationship. However, be prepared for the possibility that it might not lead to the outcome you desire.

Ultimately, the decision should be based on what you believe is best for your emotional well-being and future. If you feel that talking to them might bring you some closure or help you better understand the situation, then it could be worth considering. Just make sure you're prepared for whatever response you might receive.

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