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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 12, 2022

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more

Question by PP on Sep 12, 2022Hindi

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HI ANU
Nice to contact you. I need your advice. Hope you can help me.
We have been married for 22 years (arranged marriage).
For the last 10 years we have some family dispute between my mother and wife.
She used to hate me for the same. Moreover she didn’t have any interest in love and sex. She used to sleep in another bedroom. We live together with my son. She is housewife and completely involved in upbringing of my son. Six years back I was attracted and had affair with one of my colleagues. Once my wife come to know about our affair, she created too many problems. She became mad. She abused me verbally and physically. I stopped the affair, changed my job and location. I apologised and changed. I obeyed her. You can say I was a slave to her. In the meantime we never used to sleep together. I was afraid of her abuse so I never asked her for sex or love. She never asked me too.
We live together but no love, no sex. Two years ago she told me that she has an affair with a guy from Facebook and they both had sex. That friend used her physically and financially. He had multiple affairs along with my wife. Now he forces her for the relationship. I talked to him and asked him to stay away. At the same time, I was shocked. My wife who completely hated sex and love had an affair with unknown guy. Again we had problems and arguments.
If only she’d loved me neither of us would have had an affair.
Problem is I can't digest this. I can't sleep at night. I was not physical with my friend. But my wife suspected in her mind and ruined our life.
What to do? Shall I seek divorce? Should I consult a therapist to forget everything?
Please guide me.

Ans: Dear PP,

If life were that simple enough, why would we be facing challenges at all?

You think if she had loved you, none of this would have happened. You choose to see it from your point of view which is understandable.

What if you take the effort to find out what made her lose interest in you and the marriage?

Women are wired differently from men when it comes to sex. It can be enveloped in emotions and when she is going through an emotionally challenging time (with your mother), it might have been hard for her to be physically close with you.

Did you consider ever resolving the situation between them?

Did you ever ask your wife: “What can I do to help your situation?”

Did you ever find out from her what made her distant from you?

It may sound harsh, but we are talking about much water under the bridge.

If you go on to blame her for cheating on you, when you could and you didn’t, well, it’s not a string place to start if you want to save your marriage.

Do you both want to reconcile and rebuild the marriage?

Communicate, as that’s something that has broken down between the two of you.

It takes two to build a marriage and two to break one. So, time to reflect and look ahead as to what can be done based on what the two of you choose to do.

As far as you not being able to reconcile with the thoughts of her being involved with another man, I suggest before you approach your wife to remedy the situation, kindly settle this thought else tempers are going to fly and things will go from bad to worse. So BREATHE and NOW sit calmly to reflect and act.

All the best!

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