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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1321 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 19, 2022

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
PF Question by PF on Oct 19, 2022Hindi
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Relationship

Hi Anu, I was in an arranged marriage in April 2022.
Ten days after my marriage I found some letters, videos, conversation which clearly indicate that my husband is gay.
I left him silently and tried to understand those things.
We were not in a physical or romantic relationship. When I confronted him he said he was confused about his orientation for the last 10 years but now he is straight...
Everything he explained had no head or tail, it seemed like a lie. We decided to separate.
He moved on and is enjoying his life but my life has become hell.
I miss the life I had dreamed about.
I feel guilty if I was over reacting.
Sometimes I wonder why I left him.
I lost everything -- my looks, my confidence, my health, friends etc... I feel lonely.

Ans:

Dear PF,

I seriously don’t understand how he goes from being gay to straight all of a sudden.

If he is convinced that he is straight, have there been any moments of intimacy between the two of you or is this a façade that he is putting to avoid the glares of society and its cruel backlash?

If you feel that there is still hope, would you be willing to dull in your mind, what had happened and then appeal to him to start afresh?

Or has that boat already sailed?

I do believe in second chances and if his claims that he is straight are true and you feel that you acted in haste about leaving the relationship, why don’t you reach out to him and request him for a chance for both of you to work on getting back together?

There is no point in feeling sorry or guilty. What helps is doing something that might help you in the direction of what you want.

So, get into that action mode and do what needs to be done. Your confidence solely lies in moving ahead into a solution mode. So, what are you waiting for?

Best wishes!

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1321 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 21, 2022

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Relationship
 Hi Anu Mam, I am married for 4 and half years now and have a 3 YO daughter. It was an arranged marriage and the families were not familiar before.My husband started behaving very rude to me since my delivery. He verbally abused me a lot and finally I felt something was not right and opened up to my parents, that I cannot live with him, after 3 years of the marriage.My parents supported me and took care of my daughter and me for a year, after which my husband's family convinced me to move back in with him. When I came back to him I realised he has been cheating on me with his colleague since before my delivery. When I probed the issue further, without his knowledge, I got to know that he was a polygamous person for 10 years before marriage. And this shook me. I also got to know he is meeting one of his female friends after work hours, lying to me. He used to lie to me that he's going out for work and talk to his other female friend on phone for an hour or so, once every 2-3 days.He watches porn every day.I slowly realised he was just exploiting me for his physical needs.Our relationship turned cold within 3 months of restarting it.I was not happy being with him. I knew he was still cheating me, but he never obliged when I confronted.I could not let him even touch me.Finally, out of his frustration, he physically attacked me in front of our daughter, tried to strangulate my throat, but by god's grace I could save myself.That day, 30th of August 2021, I left that place with my daughter and came back to my parents.I filled a domestic harassment complaint against him, for which we're attending counselling sessions now.I cannot think of a life with him anymore.I have made up my mind to file an FIR against him soon.I must say I'm at peace now.But I still have a lot of anguish whenever those thoughts cross my mind. Is there a way where I can make peace with my past?
Ans:

Dear VT,

Physical abuse is an absolute NO and so is emotional abuse. I am glad that you have decided to end this misery for yourself and your daughter.

Please proceed with the FIR and also seek help on filing divorce if that is something that you have considered.

On the emotional part of it, it will take a toll on you and your health as you are unprepared at this moment. So start by:

1. Visualizing your life without him by your side

2. Working out granular details like finances and where you will live

3. Chalking out a plan of how your daughter will be cared for if you choose to start working

4. Listing down which close family member will be by your side (emotionally) always

As daunting as this may seem, it is possible to be in a space of strength which you already have experienced and move ahead to a better life.

And as you do this, do remember that you are important, so take care of your thoughts and feelings as well.

  • Spend time in Nature observing and appreciating
  • Surround yourself with people and friends who care and love you unconditionally
  • Exercise and eat well
  • Pamper yourself by caring for your physical appearances
  • Do what you love every day at least for 30 minutes

Situations maybe tough to handle but building strength within at the right time is what is the need of the hour.
I wish you the best in life always.

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1321 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 22, 2022

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Relationship
Hi Anu, it's been 5 years of my marriage. From the last few months I am feeling disconnected from my husband. I ask him about it. He mentioned that he met a guy somewhere in November and had a one-night stand with him. He explained to me the initiation was from him and that he likes him. After few days of conversation with him my husband started having feelings for him. But it was for limited time period coz that guy was trying on someone else or many others (according to my husband) A few days earlier he mentioned that he is being confused if he is gay or straight. He now has feeling for another guy but he has a family and sees him as friend. My husband is continuously telling me to understand him. He needs to find him etc etc... And deep down I know he has no future with any other man. He doesn't feel any physical attraction towards me (it's what I think). I do like him. Physically also. But he doesn't. We don't have any child. He is 36, I am 34.Now I am super confused what to do. I do love him. Please help.
Ans:

Dear KS,

It’s still unfortunate largely in our country and in few other places outside of India, sexual preferences and orientation is still considered a taboo or something to shoved under the carpet.

It’s treated as an illness that will go away like a cold and fever.

Your marriage possibly comes under this confusion and hence both you and your husband are struggling.

He never got a chance to figure out which gender he leans into more maybe due to societal pressure or from family; and it has surfaced after marriage.

For you, it feels like you have been cheated and though you love him, do know that it might not be a marriage that might work especially if he chooses to root himself to his current sexual orientation.

I suggest you weigh out the pros and cons of being in this marriage and have a frank discussion with your husband.

If he has nothing to offer to you and in this marriage, you know what is to be done.

Whatever it be, do know that this has happened at the right time; just imagine the confusions if there were children in the picture.

If after the discussion, it was just something that he experimented with, I guess there might be scope to grow into the marriage.

Have that discussion and do that NOW; a lot will ease.

Yes, it perhaps might be a heartbreak, but better to MOVE either way.

Be strong and all the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1321 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 01, 2022

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Relationship
Hello mam, I have come to know about you through an article I read online. I am mailing you regarding my problem. Please make it anonymous. I'm married for 10 years. I have a son who is 6 years old. After my delivery, my husband distanced me. Since then, we use to fight a lot. Both of us are abusive and there is no physical relation between us. I told the same to my parents, and they suggested that I adjust keeping in mind the society and asked me to try for a job to deviate my mind. Once I checked my husband phone and there was a history of homosexual p**n videos. When I asked him the same, he refused. There is no happiness and only fights. I have even made suicidal attempts and was admitted to the hospital for taking expired pills. I’m an old traditioned woman, unable to move out of marriage as I can’t handle being alone. At the same time, I am unable to understand my husband’s behaviour. He is saying he will be like that only, If you want you can stay or leave. He will not tell me anything about his family – when his father passed away due to covid, he left home without telling me. I knew about it from other relatives.
Ans:

Dear GV,

Thank you for reading my content. Hope it helps.

I can only imagine the trap that you are in. So, why are you choosing to be trapped even further?

  • Do you see any scope in your husband changing?
  • Do you know anything about his sexual orientation?
  • Do you feel that the two of you can rebuild your marriage?

If the answer to the above is NO, then time to break out of your so-called traditional mindset.

Do you really want to live in this set-up and have your son grow up unstable?

I am sure that as a mother you do want to provide him with a stable and loving environment.

Then, you need to think differently about your old beliefs and see if they are worth holding onto.

The older generation might have held onto marriages even if they were abusive. But things have changed.

Even if you are not financially independent, there are venues to change that. You only need to change the way you think.

Check with yourself if continuing this way is going to give you anything great in return or is it going to steal your spirit away.

The choice is yours but do know that you have a son to take care of as well.

Start by gaining a good circle of supporters that includes your parents and close friends who can help you through this massive change to enable you take charge of your life.

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1321 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 24, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 15, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hello sir/Madam I'm going through a rough time of my life and want some help from you I am a professional and 48 years old and I have 2 grown up children My problem is that I had a love marriage with my husband22 years back and his family didn't accept me whole heartidly since we belong to different castes and culture .they wanted to take advantage of me financially My husband has strained his relationship with my mom n only sister after my father's death in 2008 over money matters Me, my husband and children live in a house provided by my parents in a different city from my inlaws They always create differences between us still Now another problem has cropped up in our relationship I spied on my my husband's mobile n discovered tha that he has sex chats with other women and is involved in mastrubating sessions with them over phone I am completely broken from inside n not able to decide what to do coz when i confronted him , he flatly refused n fought with me and started putting false allegations on me .I am quite disturbed as i dont want to end my marriage eventhough he behaves very bad with me at times Kindly advice me
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Since you know that you want this marriage still, then the best way to not be hurt and strained around him, is to:
Either:
- Ignore what's happening and what he's doing and he leads his life and you lead yours (This is not easy, let me warn you!)
OR
- Live separately; you are financially independent and have your home to live in; he can go live with his parents and see if this works

Sadly, you married someone who has not learned to appreciate his partner and is perhaps playing to his own insecurities. It's totally on him and why I say that you are not to blame is: the fact that you still want to continue in this marriage, you may have to face more of this humiliation and hurt. If this is your decision, you really need a very steely interior and a facade that can face it all.
Yes, counseling is an option for him and the two of you as couple, BUT I don't see that in him as yet...Instead of addressing his wife's hurt and pain, he has refused to acknowledge what he's been up to. It doesn't say a lot about him to me.
So, strengthen yourself into your decision and check the two choices above and see what works best for you...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |431 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 22, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 22, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
A bit long story I'm 21 student preparing for medical competative entrance exam for past 3 years (21-24).2 year ago this phase I was in a long distance relationship for 4 months with a girl I met in my class .But it didn't last long due to the problems created due to distance as she couldn't understand myself and I couldn't understand herself.so there was a misunderstanding and I couldn't hold on as I was in heavy pressure by exams and financial problems.so I couldn't handle and I felt like too early and broke up with her by losing my mind.she was completely disappointed as I didn't speak to her for more than an year due to one more year preparation.i missed her very much but I didnt tell her.I missed govt seat in border mark and the same year she got into a relationship with another guy in her class.i don't blame her. But I feel like my entire life is shattered and I couldn't move on from that girl till now.I couldn't concentrate on my career too.im kind of person who is always confident in all aspects but I have totally lost my mind .I can see that in an danger situation as age is running and family pressure, everyone of my classmates are far ahead of me I couldn't withstand this situation and couldn't make proper decision in any aspect. Mam please help me out.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I understand your concerns. The first step is to focus on moving on; she has, and you should too. Prioritize your career, your family, and your future. Next, what has happened to your career progress has already happened. It's unfortunate, but there's no way to change that. But give yourself a second chance; work harder and achieve greater things than you even imagined before. Trust me, you are not the only person who is standing in a situation like this. Many have, and many more will. But the ones who have passed this time will give you the same advice that I did.

Best Wishes.

...Read more

Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |682 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Nov 22, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 13, 2024Hindi
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Money
Sir, I am 40yrs old. Having monthly takehome salary of 1.1 lakh and rental income of 36000. My investment are 2 flats worth of 1cr. 4 plots in Bhubaneswar worth of 2crs. EPF balance 50 lakh, LIC policies worth of 16 lakhs, NPS worth of 10 lakhs. My monthly saving commitments are - EPF (employee+employer) 28000 NPS 15000 MF 7500 Gold scheme 5000 Financial burden - HL emi of 24000 Monthly expanses 50000 I would like to retire at 50. Please advise for retirement plan with life expectancy of 80yrs.
Ans: Hello;

The value of your investments after 10 years;

A. EPF Corpus+Contribution: 1.6 Cr
B. NPS Corpus+Contribution: 53 L
C. MF(sip) + Gold(sip): 25 L
D. Real estate (land): 3.26 Cr

So sum of A, C & D gives us a corpus of 5.11 Cr

Since you will withdraw NPS before 60 age 80% of corpus will go into annuity while 20% will be available to you.

So you may expect monthly income of around 21 K from annuity(42.4 L).

Balance 10.6 L get added to 5.11L taking your total corpus to ~ 5.2 Cr.

If you invest 5 Cr in a conservative hybrid debt fund and do a SWP at the rate of 3%, you may expect a monthly income of around 1.1 L(post-tax).

Add your monthly rental income of 36 K(No growth factored) and annuity income of 21 K to this and you have total monthly income of 1.67 L after 10 years.

Your current monthly expenses of 50 K after 10 years would be around 90 K and 1.6 L after 20 years.

Considering return of around 7-7.5% from the conservative hybrid debt fund you will still generate inflation adjusted return at 3% SWP after 80 years of age.

Assumptions:
Inflation rate-6%
Return from EPF-8%
Return from NPS-9%
Return from MF-10%
Return from gold-7%
Return from Land-5%
Annuity rate-6%

The spare flat is not considered in this because it will continue to yield you rental income in retirement.

Since real estate(land) returns may fluctuate over 10 years suggest to increase MF sip(6X) as a back-up, also in this case you may decide to retain & invest in NPS upto 60 age.

Of course MF returns are also not assured but you are improving the odds by backing two appreciable assets(RE & equity) over long-term.

Happy Investing;
X: @mars_invest

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7101 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Nov 22, 2024

Money
My age 62, male, getting rental income Rs. 90k nett. Already subscribing 12.5k in PPF for the past 2 1/2 years. No other investments. My target is 5 crores in 10 years. I already have Mediclaim Rs.50 lakhs for me & wife . Please advice me what to do.
Ans: Your current financial foundation is strong and shows promise:

A rental income of Rs. 90,000 per month provides consistent and predictable cash flow. This stability can serve as the backbone for your investment strategy.

PPF contributions of Rs. 12,500 per month for 2.5 years reflect disciplined saving. However, its returns may be insufficient to achieve a high-growth target like Rs. 5 crores in 10 years.

A robust Mediclaim policy of Rs. 50 lakhs for you and your wife ensures adequate health coverage. This safeguard allows you to focus on wealth-building without worrying about medical emergencies.

Despite these positive factors, achieving Rs. 5 crores in 10 years requires a carefully crafted and growth-oriented strategy.

Defining and Prioritising Your Financial Goals
Achieving Rs. 5 crores is ambitious yet achievable with a focused approach:

Define this target as your primary financial goal over the next decade.

Break it into manageable milestones: for example, Rs. 50 lakhs every 1-2 years in cumulative investments and growth.

Prioritise high-return investments that align with your risk tolerance and financial capacity.

Optimising Existing PPF Contributions
While PPF is a secure investment, its growth potential is limited:

Returns: PPF currently offers an interest rate of approximately 7-7.5%, which barely outpaces inflation.

Contribution Review: Consider capping your PPF contributions at Rs. 1.5 lakh annually (to utilise the Section 80C benefit). This ensures that excess funds are redirected to higher-return investments.

PPF can serve as a low-risk component of your portfolio but should not dominate your investment strategy.

Building a Diversified Investment Portfolio
A diversified portfolio will provide a balance of risk and reward. Include the following components:

1. Equity Mutual Funds for Growth
Equity mutual funds are essential for achieving high returns over the long term:

Large-Cap Funds: These invest in established companies and offer stability with moderate growth. They are ideal for a portion of your portfolio to reduce risk.

Multi-Cap or Flexi-Cap Funds: These provide exposure to companies of all sizes, offering growth and diversification.

Sectoral and Thematic Funds: Avoid these unless you have a high risk tolerance and understand market dynamics.

ELSS Funds: These not only provide tax savings under Section 80C but also deliver market-linked returns.

Why Avoid Index Funds?

Index funds may offer simplicity and lower expense ratios, but they lack flexibility. They cannot adapt to market conditions or capitalise on outperforming sectors. Actively managed funds, on the other hand, have the potential to outperform the market, especially in a developing economy like India.

Start with a Systematic Investment Plan (SIP) in selected funds to build wealth steadily.

2. Debt Mutual Funds for Stability
Debt funds add stability to your portfolio and reduce overall risk:

Choose funds with low credit risk and moderate duration to ensure safety and predictable returns.

Debt funds are suitable for short- to medium-term goals or as a fallback during market corrections.

Taxation Note: Both LTCG and STCG on debt funds are taxed as per your income tax slab. This should be factored into your planning.

3. Balanced Advantage Funds
Balanced advantage funds (BAFs) dynamically allocate assets between equity and debt. They:

Provide exposure to equity while minimising downside risk.

Offer a suitable option for someone nearing retirement but seeking growth.

4. Gold Investments for Diversification
Allocate a small portion (5-10%) of your portfolio to gold:

Gold serves as a hedge against inflation and currency depreciation.

Choose gold ETFs or sovereign gold bonds for ease of liquidity and better returns.

Emergency Fund Creation
Having an emergency fund is non-negotiable:

Maintain at least 6-12 months of expenses in liquid investments like liquid mutual funds or high-interest savings accounts.

This ensures liquidity for unforeseen events without disturbing your long-term investments.

Focus on Retirement Planning
At 62, balancing growth and safety becomes critical:

Estimate your monthly retirement expenses, considering inflation over the next 10-15 years.

Your target of Rs. 5 crores should primarily serve as your retirement corpus.

Allocate assets thoughtfully:

60-70% in equity funds for growth.
30-40% in debt funds for stability.
Periodically rebalance your portfolio to maintain this allocation.

Strategic Tax Planning
Tax efficiency can significantly impact your returns:

Continue using Section 80C to its full potential, including ELSS funds and PPF.

Consider the National Pension System (NPS) for an additional Rs. 50,000 deduction under Section 80CCD(1B).

Be mindful of the new taxation rules for mutual funds:

Equity Mutual Funds: LTCG above Rs. 1.25 lakh is taxed at 12.5%; STCG at 20%.
Debt Funds: LTCG and STCG are taxed as per your income slab.
Consult a Certified Financial Planner to optimise your tax strategy.

Regular Portfolio Monitoring and Rebalancing
Investing is not a one-time activity:

Review your portfolio every six months or annually to track performance.

Rebalance your asset allocation periodically to align with your financial goals and risk appetite.

Stay committed to SIPs even during market downturns, as this ensures cost-averaging.

Additional Suggestions
Avoid Over-Reliance on PPF
While PPF is safe, it is not sufficient for wealth creation. Shift excess contributions to equity-based investments for better returns.

Avoid Direct Stocks
Direct equity investing requires time, expertise, and constant monitoring. It carries higher risk and may lead to losses without proper research. Instead, rely on equity mutual funds managed by professionals.

Avoid Mixing Insurance and Investments
Do not invest in ULIPs or endowment plans, as they offer suboptimal returns. Stick to pure insurance products for protection and mutual funds for growth.

The Role of a Certified Financial Planner
To achieve Rs. 5 crores, a well-crafted financial plan is essential. A Certified Financial Planner (CFP) can:

Analyse your current investments and recommend improvements.

Design a customised strategy tailored to your income, expenses, and goals.

Provide periodic reviews to ensure you stay on track.

Finally
Achieving Rs. 5 crores in 10 years is a realistic goal if you adopt a disciplined and diversified approach.

Optimise your PPF contributions and channel excess funds into higher-growth investments.

Build a diversified portfolio with equity and debt mutual funds.

Include a small allocation to gold and maintain an emergency fund.

Stay consistent with your SIPs and review your investments regularly.

Work with a Certified Financial Planner to create a personalised roadmap.

By following these steps, you can secure your financial future and meet your goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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