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Anu Krishna |1414 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 19, 2022

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more

Question by PF on Oct 19, 2022Hindi

Hi Anu, I was in an arranged marriage in April 2022.
Ten days after my marriage I found some letters, videos, conversation which clearly indicate that my husband is gay.
I left him silently and tried to understand those things.
We were not in a physical or romantic relationship. When I confronted him he said he was confused about his orientation for the last 10 years but now he is straight...
Everything he explained had no head or tail, it seemed like a lie. We decided to separate.
He moved on and is enjoying his life but my life has become hell.
I miss the life I had dreamed about.
I feel guilty if I was over reacting.
Sometimes I wonder why I left him.
I lost everything -- my looks, my confidence, my health, friends etc... I feel lonely.

Ans:

Dear PF,

I seriously don’t understand how he goes from being gay to straight all of a sudden.

If he is convinced that he is straight, have there been any moments of intimacy between the two of you or is this a façade that he is putting to avoid the glares of society and its cruel backlash?

If you feel that there is still hope, would you be willing to dull in your mind, what had happened and then appeal to him to start afresh?

Or has that boat already sailed?

I do believe in second chances and if his claims that he is straight are true and you feel that you acted in haste about leaving the relationship, why don’t you reach out to him and request him for a chance for both of you to work on getting back together?

There is no point in feeling sorry or guilty. What helps is doing something that might help you in the direction of what you want.

So, get into that action mode and do what needs to be done. Your confidence solely lies in moving ahead into a solution mode. So, what are you waiting for?

Best wishes!

RelationshipReply

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Anu Krishna |1414 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 21, 2022

Question by VT - Apr 21, 2022Hindi

Hi Anu Mam, I am married for 4 and half years now and have a 3 YO daughter. It was an arranged marriage and the families were not familiar before.My husband started behaving very rude to me since my delivery. He verbally abused me a lot and finally I felt something was not right and opened up to my parents, that I cannot live with him, after 3 years of the marriage.My parents supported me and took care of my daughter and me for a year, after which my husband's family convinced me to move back in with him. When I came back to him I realised he has been cheating on me with his colleague since before my delivery. When I probed the issue further, without his knowledge, I got to know that he was a polygamous person for 10 years before marriage. And this shook me. I also got to know he is meeting one of his female friends after work hours, lying to me. He used to lie to me that he's going out for work and talk to his other female friend on phone for an hour or so, once every 2-3 days.He watches porn every day.I slowly realised he was just exploiting me for his physical needs.Our relationship turned cold within 3 months of restarting it.I was not happy being with him. I knew he was still cheating me, but he never obliged when I confronted.I could not let him even touch me.Finally, out of his frustration, he physically attacked me in front of our daughter, tried to strangulate my throat, but by god's grace I could save myself.That day, 30th of August 2021, I left that place with my daughter and came back to my parents.I filled a domestic harassment complaint against him, for which we're attending counselling sessions now.I cannot think of a life with him anymore.I have made up my mind to file an FIR against him soon.I must say I'm at peace now.But I still have a lot of anguish whenever those thoughts cross my mind. Is there a way where I can make peace with my past?

Ans:

Dear VT,

Physical abuse is an absolute NO and so is emotional abuse. I am glad that you have decided to end this misery for yourself and your daughter.

Please proceed with the FIR and also seek help on filing divorce if that is something that you have considered.

On the emotional part of it, it will take a toll on you and your health as you are unprepared at this moment. So start by:

1. Visualizing your life without him by your side

2. Working out granular details like finances and where you will live

3. Chalking out a plan of how your daughter will be cared for if you choose to start working

4. Listing down which close family member will be by your side (emotionally) always

As daunting as this may seem, it is possible to be in a space of strength which you already have experienced and move ahead to a better life.

And as you do this, do remember that you are important, so take care of your thoughts and feelings as well.

Spend time in Nature observing and appreciating
Surround yourself with people and friends who care and love you unconditionally
Exercise and eat well
Pamper yourself by caring for your physical appearances
Do what you love every day at least for 30 minutes

Situations maybe tough to handle but building strength within at the right time is what is the need of the hour.
I wish you the best in life always.

Relationship

Anu Krishna |1414 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 22, 2022

Question by KS - Jul 22, 2022Hindi

Hi Anu, it's been 5 years of my marriage. From the last few months I am feeling disconnected from my husband. I ask him about it. He mentioned that he met a guy somewhere in November and had a one-night stand with him. He explained to me the initiation was from him and that he likes him. After few days of conversation with him my husband started having feelings for him. But it was for limited time period coz that guy was trying on someone else or many others (according to my husband) A few days earlier he mentioned that he is being confused if he is gay or straight. He now has feeling for another guy but he has a family and sees him as friend. My husband is continuously telling me to understand him. He needs to find him etc etc... And deep down I know he has no future with any other man. He doesn't feel any physical attraction towards me (it's what I think). I do like him. Physically also. But he doesn't. We don't have any child. He is 36, I am 34.Now I am super confused what to do. I do love him. Please help.

Ans:

Dear KS,

It’s still unfortunate largely in our country and in few other places outside of India, sexual preferences and orientation is still considered a taboo or something to shoved under the carpet.

It’s treated as an illness that will go away like a cold and fever.

Your marriage possibly comes under this confusion and hence both you and your husband are struggling.

He never got a chance to figure out which gender he leans into more maybe due to societal pressure or from family; and it has surfaced after marriage.

For you, it feels like you have been cheated and though you love him, do know that it might not be a marriage that might work especially if he chooses to root himself to his current sexual orientation.

I suggest you weigh out the pros and cons of being in this marriage and have a frank discussion with your husband.

If he has nothing to offer to you and in this marriage, you know what is to be done.

Whatever it be, do know that this has happened at the right time; just imagine the confusions if there were children in the picture.

If after the discussion, it was just something that he experimented with, I guess there might be scope to grow into the marriage.

Have that discussion and do that NOW; a lot will ease.

Yes, it perhaps might be a heartbreak, but better to MOVE either way.

Be strong and all the best!

Relationship

Anu Krishna |1414 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 01, 2022

Question by GV - Nov 01, 2022Hindi

Hello mam, I have come to know about you through an article I read online. I am mailing you regarding my problem. Please make it anonymous. I'm married for 10 years. I have a son who is 6 years old. After my delivery, my husband distanced me. Since then, we use to fight a lot. Both of us are abusive and there is no physical relation between us. I told the same to my parents, and they suggested that I adjust keeping in mind the society and asked me to try for a job to deviate my mind. Once I checked my husband phone and there was a history of homosexual p**n videos. When I asked him the same, he refused. There is no happiness and only fights. I have even made suicidal attempts and was admitted to the hospital for taking expired pills. I’m an old traditioned woman, unable to move out of marriage as I can’t handle being alone. At the same time, I am unable to understand my husband’s behaviour. He is saying he will be like that only, If you want you can stay or leave. He will not tell me anything about his family – when his father passed away due to covid, he left home without telling me. I knew about it from other relatives.

Ans:

Dear GV,

Thank you for reading my content. Hope it helps.

I can only imagine the trap that you are in. So, why are you choosing to be trapped even further?

Do you see any scope in your husband changing?
Do you know anything about his sexual orientation?
Do you feel that the two of you can rebuild your marriage?

If the answer to the above is NO, then time to break out of your so-called traditional mindset.

Do you really want to live in this set-up and have your son grow up unstable?

I am sure that as a mother you do want to provide him with a stable and loving environment.

Then, you need to think differently about your old beliefs and see if they are worth holding onto.

The older generation might have held onto marriages even if they were abusive. But things have changed.

Even if you are not financially independent, there are venues to change that. You only need to change the way you think.

Check with yourself if continuing this way is going to give you anything great in return or is it going to steal your spirit away.

The choice is yours but do know that you have a son to take care of as well.

Start by gaining a good circle of supporters that includes your parents and close friends who can help you through this massive change to enable you take charge of your life.

All the best!

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Anu Krishna |1414 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 24, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 15, 2024Hindi