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Anu Krishna |839 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 21, 2023

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more

Question by Gouri on Apr 20, 2023Hindi

Hi Anu I am 52 , I am in a relationship with a man of 54 years who loves me & I too love him . I am in this relationship for companionship & for emotion. My story : We have been in relationship for 6 years now . Everything was fine till the time I obeyed him emotionally and financially. Stood by him in most of the travels took care of everything . The moment I started taking care of my finance and invested the funds thru his friend he labelled me betrayal lady as his friends put some words against me and thus goes the relationship. In another episode with nothing to think wrong he has cooked a story in his mind and abuses me and accuses me . It’s been 2 years that I am crucified for this each day . So these are the misunderstandings against me and when I clear it to him he DOES not believe me . he thinks I am lying and every time he ask the answer is the same He believes his people more than me . I was always with him emotionally and helped him financially to the extend for lakhs and lakhs . The moment he assassinated my character I told him to give back all the money , but is been 2 years and more that even a penny is not returned but I still get abused and accused each day. due to the misunderstanding the relationship has turned toxic ( I feel) . He keeps blaming me and yes he does not TRUST me . But at the same time he shows love and after few days he goes into his cell of abusing my character . Where nothing wrong has happened …. He just overthinks and spoils the beautiful relationship. Kindly advice Warm regards Gouri Dey

Ans: Dear Gouri,
So, are you waiting for him to doubt you more, control you more?
What makes you still put yourself through all of this? It's characteristic behavior of a control freak to get his/her way by demanding, complaining and the loving to gain control of their partner. You are in a toxic relationship lady and if you haven't already noticed, your physical and mental health would have deteriorated over the past 2 years!
Trust, understanding and respect are what any relationship stands on. What does this relationship have?
You are pulling on possibly because:
1. You feel some sort of an obligation towards him
2. You feel guilt of not taking care of him when he nags and complains
3. You feel responsible for helping him emotionally and financially

What would you tell a friend if she was in one such relationship?
Learn to love and respect yourself first. He's has gotten used to using you for his own safety net. Stop allowing this NOW by drawing a boundary. That should bring out his true colors much quicker than a chameleon changing colors.
Your red flag was waving out loud to you when he behaved immaturely at your decision of investing your money. Abuse need not just be physical; emotional one is huge violation as well! Take charge of your life NOW...Do the right thing for yourself...

All the best!

RelationshipReply

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Anu Krishna |839 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 06, 2022

Question by KN - Apr 06, 2022Hindi

Hi Anu, I would like to be anonymous.I got cheated by my boyfriend in my 20s and was in depression. My parents thought that it would be nice if I get married to someone who is elder to me and we'll settled.They got me a match who is 13 years elder than me. Joint family, one sister separated with her kid in the same house, one unmarried.I said yes but had the intuition that something is wrong. No one trusted me and I got married to the man. From Day 1, we were fighting. I tried to take help from my parents to get separated after a year but they didn't help me due to societal pressure. After my son born, he paid no attention towards my son and me for 7 months. But this time he told that he was busy at work. I returned to my in-laws.He tried to control everything –my friends, he restricted my social media accounts and also kept a screenshot of my conversation with my ex-boyfriend, threatening me to reveal it to my mom and dad. He also had the habit of not talking for 2-3 months in the same house. He did it for almost 10 years and pressurised me to have a second child. During my pregnancy, he yelled at me calling me mad and fought with me. He called my father and told him I am mad and sent me to my mom and dad again for delivery.Keeping my elder son for reference he tells to come back again. He doesn't provide any financial support and is threatening again with screenshots.He often checks my mobile without my permission affecting my BP. I don't know why? I lost my sleep at night for several months by now. I am not able to concentrate on anything. Negative thoughts occupy my mind. I have a kid of 1.5 years with me.Please help. I am mentally devastated. Thank you.

Ans:

Dear K,

What advice will you give a close friend if she came to you with the same problem that you have stated? Will you ask her to reconcile or keep her sanity intact?

Controlling the spouse is a classic way of coping for insecurity related issues within a relationship.

Being years older to you and having a young wife possibly might have given him goosebumps of you being attractive to people your age.

Whatever the reason, being passive aggressive and registering his insecurity through not talking for months, stalking you, monitoring your social media accounts, threatening to blackmail you with screenshots from your previous affairs; does it all sound like he is a person who you want to spend your life with?

If you still feel there is small chance and you want to, seek the help of a professional who can work with him and then the two of you to create an element of trust that is absolutely missing.

Any relationship that lacks trust, just crumbles as the foundation is weak and every little act that questions the other person’s integrity drives a further wedge.

You have a child that is dependent on you; be strong and whichever way that you choose, drive it…Inaction is what is causing you health issues, so do something NOW.

All the best and Be Strong.

Relationship1

Anu Krishna |839 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 06, 2022

Question by BM - Apr 06, 2022Hindi

Hello mam. I am in a relationship with a boy and we both love each other and also want to get married but he doesn’t trust me at all.I tell him everything, yet he thinks I am a liar and alleges that am cheating on him. He doubts me in every single thing even he don't allow me to talk to any guy or girl not even my friends and he doesn't like when I step out from my home. He gets scared when I step out or get to my college. He keeps reminding me to not to cheat or not to talk with anybody. All these things got me into stress and frustration and I feel so bad that the person I love doesn't trust me.We had lot of fights because of this. He abuses me and makes me angry. As I am a college going student, I can't manage my studies because of fights and his bad behaviour.He always tries to prove me wrong and make me feel guilty. He thinks very bad about me and makes his own stories adding fake stories and allegations. In the past 2 years there is not a single day when I didn't have to explain him. But he is not ready to accept. He only wants to hear what he thinks not the real truth if I say that u are misunderstanding me he says no he is 100% right and you are wrong. One of his friends put one story 2 years ago with a girl hiding her face and the top she is wearing on that picture. I have the same top and he knows it. He doubted that the girl is me. I am tired answering his doubts. I got so much anger and feel disrespectful.I love him; he is my first and one and only boyfriend. I do everything for him. But he treats me rudely he always starts his conversation with doubt like: where are you coming from? even if I didn't go anywhere he thinks that I went somewhere to meet someone. He tortures and abuses me like this. Every time I forgive him but he kept repeating that behaviour. I can't even live without him. I give him my love, time...my everything. But I didn't get anything. He thinks that I always do things by planning but I don't. He thinks that I always want to ruin his life, break his heart or cheat him but that's all wrong. He is making his mind so negative he thinks so negative about me. Because of his doubts problem I don't talk to anybody -- no friends, no guys but he thinks that I am talking to any guy and I'm lying that I don't I give every possible proof but he didn't trust me at all.He thinks that I tell people about him I gossip about him but I didn't do that I didn't even talk to anybody. He doesn't even want to breakup with me. I explained him that for our peace we have to separate he didn't want that also. He put such bad allegations on me about my character, my sexual status. I am a virgin but I didn't accept that. He makes me feel so sad and helpless I don't know what to do I’m helpless I didn't even share these things with anyone. Sometimes I feel suicidal also. He has just all control over my life my mind but also he didn't give me respect, love or value. Plzzz help me mam what should I do with his doubts and trust issue. I am so depressed, plzzzz help me out. I’m stuck in it.

Ans:

Dear BM,

Have you heard of emotional abuse? That is exactly what you have been facing.

And why are you putting up with this? Because you maybe feel a sense of validation in this relationship.

What sort of a relationship demands constant proving and to the extent of having to prove that you are a virgin.

How is it any of anyone’s business whether you are a virgin or not? This relationship is toxic and has begun to alter your personality and who you are meant to be.

Take charge and NOW. Be YOU and what you always stood up for, because all this putting up with his idiosyncrasies, is causing you pain and moreover your inner self does not want to allow it.

Yet you are stuck to it giving yourself the story that he is the only boyfriend. BREATHE, take a step back and OBSERVE.

It’s time for you to draw out a beautiful life ahead of you and colour it as brightly as you intend.

What exactly are you waiting for? More abuses, more toxicity to hit and dampen your sprightly spirit?

Get a hold of yourself dear girl, be brave and do the right thing. Help yourself…Seek close friends who will hold space for you!

You can do this. Best wishes!

Relationship1

Love Guru |187 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert - Answered on May 13, 2022

Question by Anonymous - May 13, 2022Hindi

Dear Love Guru, First of all, I want to stay pretty anonymous. Secondly, it feels weird to discuss it with an unknown individual and never did I in my wildest dream thought that I would be seeking an advice. However, here I am... The story starts when I met this individual in the UAE who is originally from UP, Saharanpur. This guy initially tried to get closer to me as much as he could and once he succeeded by becoming my close one, we just hit off pretty well. It went to point of engagement Roka. I wasn't there in India for Roka. It happened with him, his family and my parents. Everything was dreamy and nice until he started changing his behaviour towards my parents and then me, he was abusing me with money. He put me into credit card debts. I was feeling horrible. I started to revoke his access to my card, my everything, and I decided to call it a quit. In return when he understood that I am going to dump him he played his cards. As he couldn't find any cheating in my case when I was with him he decided to dig my past and started torturing me. He created a story to humiliate me at the work place and in front of people. He turned the tables by stating that I'm not dumping him rather he is. It was so heartbreaking for me. I left my job I left my life in the UAE all coz of this guy. And now after 2 months he is keeping an eye on me through to social media. Also he is trying to contact me by asking how I am. I don't understand what he wants and I am unable to recover. Seeking your help. Thanks.

Ans:

Cut. Him. Off. Completely.

Block him on social media and on your cellphone. And your parents’ cellphones and their social media as well.

The guy is a con and you know it.

You should not have let his stupid rumours cost you your job and your life abroad. The truth of a situation always lets itself be known sooner or later and sometimes you have to brave it out.

I’m sorry to hear what you’ve been through, but you should freeze him out completely.

If you need to talk to someone about this at length, counselling may help.

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Anu Krishna |839 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 04, 2022

Question by EJ - Oct 04, 2022Hindi

Dear Anu, I'm studying BTech final year. My love and I were in a relationship since 5 years. Things were fine till our diploma. I got a seat in another college which was far from our place. At the same time, he moved to his hometown for house construction. There he met a girl. She is 34. He used to talk a lot to her and got attached to her. He tells everything to me. He even said that people were spreading wrong rumours about them. I told him to stay away till things got better. Since then he has stopped telling me much. There was a recent fight in his hometown relating to both of them which annoyed him. He continues to say there is nothing wrong between both of us. He used to love me a lot. Whenever I felt insecure or if there was any mood swings he used to make me calm and relaxed. Now-a-days he always tells me ‘Wait. Don't call me.’ If I call him more, he just scolds me. There are no sweet talks or setting time aside for a call, and all. He even says ‘I promised that I'll be with her at any time in any problem and now because everyone is spreading rumours I can't break my promise to her.’ What about me? Didn't you promise to make me happy? I feel betrayed.I got angry and told him that my parents are seeing matches for me. His reply shook me. He said: 'Go, get married.’ I was like ‘you aren't the same.’ I don't understand what to do or how to set things right.My mental health is getting worse.

Ans:

Dear S,

Your letter is very confusing to me.

I hope your post is genuine and not just to have fun…despite that I will consider it real and try to suggest what I can though I find your facts very contradictory.

Keeping the age factor aside, what I can say is: if someone does not treat you well, what’s the point waiting for that person?

If he isn’t interested in you, why are you chasing him?

Please make your world better by being around people who respect and value you and watch how beautiful it all becomes rather than searching and begging for love. He clearly isn’t into you anymore. So, move on…

All the best!

Relationship

Anu Krishna |839 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 13, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 04, 2023Hindi