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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1595 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 19, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Apr 18, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

Hi Anu I am a 36 year old IT pro with a beautiful family (wife and 2 kids) 1 year back, i had a coworker (shes married but widowed with 1 kid) with whom i had to work on a project..we shared a good friendship and unfortunately on one occasion, under the influence of alcohol, i went overboard and had a deep sexual chat with her..it was mutual and the next day i really felt bad and apologized to her.she also said it was ok.. After that i avoided her but she kept on giving singals to continue the relationship, i sternly avoided her and pleaded with her in message and call to leave me..during the time of sexual chat, i never knew she was a widow else i wud not have done that..shes now harassing me and stalking me on social media..i really feel bad for what i did to her and am over ridden with guilt..she says lets be friends as she has no one to turn on to.. but i pretend to be as she still has that chat messages and if she raises an ombuds i will be out of the job..but worse of all, i do not want this to destroy my family life. I love my wife and kids and she wont take this easily if i disclose this to her .pls suggest a way out of this..i am really desperate..it was jus a chat and i am a train wreck now..

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
This is a bit messy...It could land you into a lot of trouble and obviously you didn't know that when you were chatting with her, right?
Avoiding her hasn't worked and the best thing possibly now would be to just be polite yet firm where she feels that she is not being snubbed. Also consider taking your wife into confidence as this will eliminate the chance of ruining your peace at home. Come clean and confess to your wife and request her to support you; of course she might give you a earful, listen to all of it.
You have a price to pay for the fun that you had that one time; so take it in your stride and tread carefully...be kind to the woman and be honest with your wife. You can only pray that this can keep you out of trouble.
And the next time you drink, kindly keep your phone away...

All the best!
Asked on - Apr 24, 2024 | Answered on Apr 24, 2024
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Hi Anu, Thanks for your response. Two things here..first I can't tell my wife now as she had lost her mom 5 months back and she's in a recent quarrel with her dad and brother on their family dispute...so breaking this news now will break her mentally..also, I have got a better offer from another company and I am not sure how this woman will take it....as of now she communicates thru office chat and the moment if she knows I got another offer, I am not sure how she will react..I really want to avoid her and I really feel sorry for kindling her feelings without realizing the repercussions...just one chat is running my life and now she's citing all the previous conversations between us and saying all those were used by me to butter her up. Those were not intimate conversations they were just casual conversations which now she feels I was trying to butter her up.. fearing her, I cannot risk my career.. pls suggest..I am.sorry for bothering you..
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Thank you for acknowledging.
The only way to counter the co-worker is to share this secret with your wife. That will give you a fair level playing field with her. This is the only thing that she can use against you so this is the best way to disarm her and then you hope that all will be well.
But if you don't want to, there isn't much that you can do...this co-worker can use the chats to her advantage...
By not taking one way or the other, you seem to be hoping for some sort of a miracle to get you out of this hot pot. But hey, every action has a consequence, right? So, knowing what the consequence is now, do your best to control the damage and hope.

All the best!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1595 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 01, 2022

Relationship
Hi Anu,Hope you are well. I have recently started reading your column and I like the way you give suggestions and help people to overcome whatever issues they are going through in this beautiful journey called life.There is something that I would like to tell you and would need your suggestion and advise.There is a lady whom I know for over 4 decades living close to my house. Her father and my father are colleagues and used to work together and they are best friends. She knows me right from a very early age and she is quite elder to me by 8 or 10 years perhaps.Recently I happened to send her some MMS porn clips which I got from a group. I thought she will shout at me and block me...but she didn't do that. I still send her sometimes when I get such clips. Recently she said that this is not real. I don't know what she means by that. During my adult years when I was 21-22 years old I used to fantasise having a physical relationship with her. I had my own reasons because of the way she used to behave with me when I’d go to her house. But I never tried initiating it maybe because of lack of confidence or fear of getting scolded by her. Her kids are studying in America (masters level) and United Kingdom (graduation level).Few months ago I lied to her that there is a lady near my office who is the divorcee and is trying to get close to me physically and she is inviting me to her house a couple of times. The reason I told her this lie was to know how she will react... The moment I told her this she told me don't go to such people, just avoid her and tell her that you are in a relationship with me. I even told her that the lady who is the divorcee is asking me if I am having a physical relationship with her whom I know since childhood days. She just laughed and said your divorcee friend is mad...She even said that the divorcee friend (whom I created out of my imagination) is stuck because of my childhood friend.Whenever I ask my childhood friend to meet up she always tells me that she is busy and that she does not like anyone coming to her house because her husband might not like it.Anu what do you think? Is my childhood friend whom I know for 4 decades interested in having a sexual relationship with me but is not initiating it thinking that it will affect our married lives. Women will not do anything that will disturb their life security system. She is very rich because her husband is a corporate employee holding a leadership position and well paid around a crore per year. Will she allow me if I initiate sex with her?Please understand that I don't know how to initiate that as she doesn't want me to visit her in her house. She doesn't go out much but rather spends time home and goes out with her husband for Sunday church mass sometimes or goes to the nearby chapel for praying. I am happily married for the last 12 years.Last week also I sent her an MMS and she replied with an emoji (a grinning face with star eyes). What does this mean?Is she really wanting to have sex with me but waiting for me to initiate or she is doing time pass with me? I am willing to get physical with her.Please advise me... Thanks for reading this till the end.
Ans:

Dear SS,

Thank you for the kind acknowledgement on my columns. Much appreciated.

Why exactly is it important for you to pursue a new relationship?

As for your childhood friend, do know that being much older than you are, phases of life and its experiences are different for her than they are for you.

So, her wanting a relationship -- physical or otherwise -- maybe out of her want or lack of something in her life.

Shall we focus on you for the moment? Again, what is this interest in pursuing a relationship with her or alternatively wanting to know that if she wants one, so you can initiate it?

Where are you in terms of your ‘happily married’ life?

How does your wife feel about you being so interested in another woman besides her? Or does she not have a whiff of it as yet?

Why are you sending your childhood friend porn clips? What are you seeking from her? Or are you looking for a casual fling?

Not to sound like I am judging you here, there might be a possibility of exploring something new and different which I do see in many couples that I work with.

It could be because of the missing spark or the predictability within the marriage.

What if you spiced things up within the marriage?

Will you still feel the need to seek the company of another woman on chat or in any physical or emotional manner?

What I can suggest is: pour your energies in your marriage and it is possible that you begin to de-focus from your childhood friend and have a more meaningful connection with her.

Also, I fail to understand why she is so against you mentioning other women.

Whatever funny games that you both have been playing is rather childish testing each other and get a kick out of it.

Time to grow up and focus on your core relationships and nourish it to feel more full and content from within.

Good luck!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1595 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 22, 2023

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Relationship
Hi, I am 45 years old man married with two kids. I got into relationship with a married colleague 5 years back. She got divorced. I am not sure if our relationship was the reason for the divorce. I wanted to divorce my wife and get married to my colleague. But then during pandemic I and my colleague were physically separated. Not sure if the separation helped her realise our relationship was not going anywhere or it was not right. She called and told me that I scarred her life and didn’t want to keep in touch with me. Since then I am not in touch with her. I made attempts to but she blocked me totally. She’s in the same town but I never made an attempt to forcefully meet her. She didn’t marry again so far and don’t what’s happening in her life. But I feel guilty did I spoil her life? I really love her but if I really did why did I not know where this all will end up. I don’t think I was the reason for her break up because she developed friendship with me when her marriage was not going well. I don’t know if it was error of judgment, feel so guilty about the whole situation. Since I have been in relationship with her, never had a sexual relationship with my wife and even I don’t. Don’t know if it’s my failed or failing marriage is whole reason for this . I feel terribly guilty for my ex colleague’s situation. It’s eating me up. I question my own character, am I a sexual predator? I lose my sleep about this and not able come to terms. Need your advice, do I need a see a therapist and what kind?
Ans: Dear Rajesh,
You have the choice of playing the 'victim' or move on with life accepting things for the way they are!
Why you stepped out of marriage or why your married colleague entered into a relationship with you or why she walked out of it or why she blames you.
These WHYs will only keep making you go in circles. You need answers to these only if the two of you are still going to be involved. When that chapter of your life is over, why mull over it? This is playing the 'victim', feeling sorry for yourself and feeling guilty and trying to go back in time and thinking of what you could have done to have a different outcome. As long as these WHYs help you move on, it's fine, but if it's only going to mess with your mind and send you on a wild goose chase, kindly STOP! Sexual predator as you call yourself is just a label you choose to carry after the accusation made by your colleague after she called the relationship off. So, she takes the call and then blames you and then you decide to carry the guilt for what two consenting adults decided when they were in a relationship. Quit this mindset and seriously MOVE ON!

Can you instead focus on where your life is now and what you can do to make it better?
Indulge in a new hobby and make a few new friends and be with your family that loves you. Spend time with your children who will fill your life with a lot of happiness.
Soon, when you are ready, things might open up for a new relationship then.
So release the OLD and welcome the NEW.

Best wishes!

..Read more

Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |119 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 20, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 19, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi. I am Sumeet I am happily married. And love my wife and our two kids.I had a female friend in our engineering college I had crush on her and I have said her this. She is happily married and I am very happy for her. I was in touch with her but now some how our companies in which we work have joint ventures and we both are working on same project. Initially she was nice to me but one day, we had phot session and I decide to click one with her and I simply par her shoulder back and kept for photo click but she got too angry and I apologised to her for whole day. But then she did not talk properly henceforth. I felt I am molester and I visit psychiatrist they asked me to forget that incident and move. Now she does not talk with me nicely.i don't know what should I do.
Ans: It's understandable that this situation with your former college friend is causing you stress and confusion. However, it's important to acknowledge that touching someone without their consent, even if unintentional, is never acceptable. Even though you meant no harm, it's crucial to respect your friend's boundaries and understand her reaction.

Here are some suggestions for navigating this situation:

1. Respect your friend's boundaries: While your intentions might have been innocent, it's clear your friend felt uncomfortable with the physical contact. Respecting her boundaries and apologizing sincerely are crucial steps. It might be helpful to have a brief, direct conversation where you reiterate your apology and emphasize that you understand and respect her discomfort.

2. Maintain professionalism: Given that you're working on the same project, maintain a professional and respectful distance. Avoid initiating personal conversations or any physical contact. Focus on work-related communication and interactions.

3. Reflect on your actions: Consider seeking professional guidance from a therapist to explore your thought patterns and behaviors concerning personal boundaries. This can help you develop healthier ways to interact with others and avoid similar situations in the future.

4. Forgive yourself: Remember that while it's important to acknowledge and learn from your actions, dwelling on guilt won't be productive. Forgive yourself for the unintentional mistake and focus on moving forward with respect and understanding.

5. Focus on your marriage: Remember that you have a loving wife and family. Reinvest your energy into strengthening your relationships with them and prioritize their well-being.

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8315 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 30, 2025

Money
Hi Sir, My name is Abhishek, and i am 40 years old, I have 12 lakhs in FD, 6 lakhs in MF and stocks(5+1), and 10 lakhs cash, also, i have a flat in Delhi with 15 lakhs home loan, A car loan of 8 lakhs. and i am a software engr. In an MNC, having salary of 1.5 lakhs in a month. ABOVE IS ALL my asset. But i want to be financially free. Is it possible? Please suggest any best practical idea for me. Currently, WFH in ranchi.
Ans: At 40, with your current income and asset base, the goal of financial freedom is definitely achievable. Let’s work towards a 360-degree financial strategy to help you build a solid and practical roadmap.

Below is a complete evaluation and guidance to align your financial life with your freedom goal.

Current Financial Position – Snapshot and Assessment
You have Rs. 12 lakhs in Fixed Deposit.

You hold Rs. 6 lakhs in mutual funds and stocks.

You are keeping Rs. 10 lakhs in cash.

You have a flat in Delhi. You have Rs. 15 lakhs home loan on it.

You also have a car loan of Rs. 8 lakhs.

Your monthly salary is Rs. 1.5 lakhs from an MNC job. You are working from Ranchi now.

You are 40 years old and working in a stable job.

This is a very decent starting point. You are earning well, and you have good savings. But to reach financial freedom, we need better alignment.

Let’s move step-by-step.

Step 1 – Clarify What Financial Freedom Means to You
Financial freedom is not only about quitting your job.

It means you have enough income from investments to cover your monthly needs.

You should be able to choose to work or not, without worrying about money.

So first, we need to estimate your monthly future expenses post-retirement.

Let’s assume Rs. 60,000 to Rs. 80,000 per month today, adjusted for inflation later.

That means you need to create income sources to support at least Rs. 1 crore to Rs. 2 crore in future corpus.

This is not impossible. You have time and income to build this.

Step 2 – Improve the Quality of Your Assets
Let us now improve your asset quality to suit your freedom goal.

Rs. 12 lakhs in Fixed Deposit is very conservative.

FD earns low returns, and interest is fully taxable.

Keep only 4 to 5 lakhs in FD for emergency use.

Move the rest (7 to 8 lakhs) to good quality mutual funds through SIP.

Your Rs. 10 lakhs in cash is too much to keep idle.

Keep Rs. 1.5 to 2 lakhs in savings for short-term needs.

Move the balance Rs. 8+ lakhs to a liquid mutual fund for better returns.

Over the next 3 to 6 months, you can start shifting this towards equity-oriented funds.

Rs. 6 lakhs in MF and stocks is a good beginning.

But if these include index funds or direct funds, you must evaluate them carefully.

Index funds only copy the market, and don’t actively manage risks.

They underperform in falling or flat markets.

A good actively managed mutual fund is better in Indian conditions.

Direct mutual funds look low-cost, but no expert advice is included.

When you invest through a Mutual Fund Distributor (MFD) who is also a Certified Financial Planner, you get proper hand-holding.

Regular funds through a CFP-linked MFD provide portfolio monitoring, review, and behavioural coaching.

This helps avoid panic selling or greed-driven buying.

Step 3 – Work on Your Loans
You have Rs. 15 lakhs home loan.

This is acceptable if interest is below 8.5% per annum.

Home loan offers tax benefits also. So don’t rush to close it.

Continue paying EMIs without stress. Try to pre-pay 1 EMI every 6 months if possible.

This will reduce your loan term.

But do not use emergency cash or investments to close it.

Car loan of Rs. 8 lakhs is a liability without return.

Try to clear this in the next 1.5 years.

Use your bonus or incentives for that.

Avoid buying new cars or gadgets on EMI again.

Step 4 – Build a Systematic Investment Plan
You should be investing 30% to 40% of your monthly income.

That means Rs. 45,000 to Rs. 60,000 per month.

Start SIPs in diversified actively managed mutual funds.

Allocate more in equity-oriented funds for long-term growth.

Keep a small portion in hybrid or conservative hybrid funds for balance.

If you are supporting family, consider a term insurance plan (not ULIP or endowment).

Term insurance is cheaper and offers better coverage.

Also take health insurance for self and family, even if company gives cover.

Step 5 – Emergency Planning and Risk Management
You must keep an emergency fund equal to 6 months expenses.

You already have FD and cash, so earmark Rs. 3 to 4 lakhs for this.

Put this in a separate savings or liquid mutual fund account.

Don’t touch this unless there is an actual emergency.

Review your health and life insurance policies yearly.

Step 6 – Review and Improve Your Monthly Budgeting
Track your monthly expenses. Use simple mobile apps or Excel.

Avoid impulse expenses like gadgets, travel, or lifestyle items.

Stick to a monthly budget. Save before you spend.

Increase your SIPs every year by 10%.

This will match inflation and improve wealth creation.

Step 7 – Don’t Depend on Real Estate for Financial Freedom
Real estate has low liquidity and high maintenance.

Rental yield is only 2 to 3%.

Also, resale takes time and effort.

Don’t invest more in real estate. Focus on financial instruments instead.

Step 8 – Plan Your Retirement and Passive Income Sources
At age 40, you have 15–17 years to retire.

That’s enough time to build a retirement corpus.

If you invest Rs. 50,000 monthly for 15 years in mutual funds, wealth can be significant.

Once you retire, you can shift to monthly income plans from mutual funds.

These generate regular withdrawals with tax efficiency.

You must also reallocate to more conservative funds as you near retirement.

Avoid annuity products. They give low returns and poor liquidity.

Step 9 – Tax Planning and Filing
Use tax deductions wisely under Sec 80C, 80D and home loan benefits.

Keep your investments tax-efficient.

For example, equity fund gains up to Rs. 1.25 lakhs are tax-free annually.

Above this, LTCG is taxed at 12.5%.

Short-term capital gains from equity funds are taxed at 20%.

Debt fund gains are taxed as per your income slab.

You should do tax planning with a CFP who can review your total asset base.

Step 10 – Set Clear Milestones and Review Yearly
Set short, mid, and long-term goals.

For example: close car loan in 1 year, build Rs. 50 lakhs corpus in 5 years, etc.

Track these goals once every 6 months.

If you miss one goal, don’t panic. Adjust and continue.

Stay disciplined with SIPs and avoid timing the market.

Don’t follow tips or market trends blindly.

Final Insights
You are doing well for your age and income level.

But to reach financial freedom, you need more structured planning.

Convert your cash and FDs to wealth-generating assets.

Stop investing in real estate and focus on financial investments.

Eliminate loans step-by-step.

Increase your SIPs regularly and keep your portfolio reviewed by a Certified Financial Planner.

Review your goals, risks, and insurance every year.

Stay consistent and patient. Freedom will come earlier than expected.

You are on the right track. Just need direction, discipline, and dedication.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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