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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 09, 2021

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more

Question by TVR on Jun 09, 2021Hindi

Dear madam, it’s about my daughter.

She is 22, completed Msc (economics) in IIT-Kharagpur and will join job in July at Gurugram. She 2nd of two kids, son being the 1st, also an IITian, now in the US

She is with us since March 2020, the longest period after 7 years.

She has average intelligence and follows her brother. We never exerted any pressure but always supported her. She strives very hard to reach her goals. In that process she always experiences very tense moments.

She shares all in detail with her mother (some very silly). My wife always listens patiently and extends all the required support.

She also excelled in cultural activities at IIT -- was cast in a lead role in a short film which stood first in the IIT meet.

She was affected by corona during which she did internship with Nomura.

She cleared CFA level 1 in Dec 20 and is continuing her last semester from home. She is very much attached to the family and always insists that we live with her.

At the same time, she is lazy and never inclined to share any work at home. She was and is busy with her studies then and internship now.

She spends most of the day sleeping; working at night, chatting and hardly communicates pleasantries with me and her mother. We do discuss about general things.

During conversations with her mother, she would shout and get upset with anything she dislikes. However she will be very normal with her friends.

I worry silently but my wife is not able to be passive which is resulting in verbal duels frequently for silly or no reason.

My concerns: 1. Her irregular timings – she wakes up at 1 pm,misses breakfast, lunch 2 pm, dinner 10 pm and sleeps sometime after 2 am.

2. She is not exercising.

3. She intervenes in our conversation (between me and my wife) and finds fault with the thinking of my wife.

I routinely console my wife that all will be OK soon. But I find it difficult to convince her.

Importantly I’ve become helpless and speechless whenever both of them indulge in verbal duels.

All my attempts to pacify them are useless.

My request to keep silence is not at all heeded. Both find fault with me for not supporting their points. Both are correct from their angles, however the issues are silly.

Later both shower so much of love and I always wonder whether they even indulged in fierce battle a little while ago.

My concern: How to handle the situation? How to make them silent?

Any advice will be appreciated and followed.

Ans: Dear TVR, is it possible to make anyone silent, especially against their will?

Talking loudly or screaming at each other clearly indicates that there is a communication breakdown in that relationship. And silence cannot rebuild this.

There’s a lot of love and a lot of arguments between a mother and a daughter.

It is filled with care, worry, anxiety and a lot of love. They are well meaning but maybe the manner in which it is expressed may not be the best.

Your wife certainly wants to have a better level of communication with the daughter but do remember at age 22, she doesn’t need instructions but more of friendly suggestion; practically ‘A take it or leave it’ one.

But relinquishing this way of parenting and moving to a friendlier one takes a lot of mindset change as now you both are parenting a young lady and not a girl

Also, it would be worth an effort to know if all the studies that she is currently pursuing is not something that is for the outside world and to follow her brother but is something that she likes.

Professional competitive courses can sometimes rob a person of a holistic life leaving little time to have hobbies or a social life to enjoy. Is she under pressure? Does she like what she is studying?

A few study late into the night and a few wake up early. Whatever that is, she must maintain a better lifestyle and eat well. Not maintaining proper mealtimes can be reflective of stress also.

I suggest you and your wife have a chat/talk with her not to instruct her on what to do and what not to BUT making it casual like the three of you are on the same side and looking at the situation outside of you.

That will make her trust you both even more and it could possibly lead her to a better state of mind to tackle her studies and have a good personal life as well.