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Anu Krishna |825 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 09, 2021

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more

Question by TVR on Jun 09, 2021Hindi

Dear madam, it’s about my daughter.

She is 22, completed Msc (economics) in IIT-Kharagpur and will join job in July at Gurugram. She 2nd of two kids, son being the 1st, also an IITian, now in the US

She is with us since March 2020, the longest period after 7 years.

She has average intelligence and follows her brother. We never exerted any pressure but always supported her. She strives very hard to reach her goals. In that process she always experiences very tense moments.

She shares all in detail with her mother (some very silly). My wife always listens patiently and extends all the required support.

She also excelled in cultural activities at IIT -- was cast in a lead role in a short film which stood first in the IIT meet.

She was affected by corona during which she did internship with Nomura.

She cleared CFA level 1 in Dec 20 and is continuing her last semester from home. She is very much attached to the family and always insists that we live with her.

At the same time, she is lazy and never inclined to share any work at home. She was and is busy with her studies then and internship now.

She spends most of the day sleeping; working at night, chatting and hardly communicates pleasantries with me and her mother. We do discuss about general things.

During conversations with her mother, she would shout and get upset with anything she dislikes. However she will be very normal with her friends.

I worry silently but my wife is not able to be passive which is resulting in verbal duels frequently for silly or no reason.

My concerns: 1. Her irregular timings – she wakes up at 1 pm,misses breakfast, lunch 2 pm, dinner 10 pm and sleeps sometime after 2 am.

2. She is not exercising.

3. She intervenes in our conversation (between me and my wife) and finds fault with the thinking of my wife.

I routinely console my wife that all will be OK soon. But I find it difficult to convince her.

Importantly I’ve become helpless and speechless whenever both of them indulge in verbal duels.

All my attempts to pacify them are useless.

My request to keep silence is not at all heeded. Both find fault with me for not supporting their points. Both are correct from their angles, however the issues are silly.

Later both shower so much of love and I always wonder whether they even indulged in fierce battle a little while ago.

My concern: How to handle the situation? How to make them silent?

Any advice will be appreciated and followed.

Ans: Dear TVR, is it possible to make anyone silent, especially against their will?

Talking loudly or screaming at each other clearly indicates that there is a communication breakdown in that relationship. And silence cannot rebuild this.

There’s a lot of love and a lot of arguments between a mother and a daughter.

It is filled with care, worry, anxiety and a lot of love. They are well meaning but maybe the manner in which it is expressed may not be the best.

Your wife certainly wants to have a better level of communication with the daughter but do remember at age 22, she doesn’t need instructions but more of friendly suggestion; practically ‘A take it or leave it’ one.

But relinquishing this way of parenting and moving to a friendlier one takes a lot of mindset change as now you both are parenting a young lady and not a girl

Also, it would be worth an effort to know if all the studies that she is currently pursuing is not something that is for the outside world and to follow her brother but is something that she likes.

Professional competitive courses can sometimes rob a person of a holistic life leaving little time to have hobbies or a social life to enjoy. Is she under pressure? Does she like what she is studying?

A few study late into the night and a few wake up early. Whatever that is, she must maintain a better lifestyle and eat well. Not maintaining proper mealtimes can be reflective of stress also.

I suggest you and your wife have a chat/talk with her not to instruct her on what to do and what not to BUT making it casual like the three of you are on the same side and looking at the situation outside of you.

That will make her trust you both even more and it could possibly lead her to a better state of mind to tackle her studies and have a good personal life as well.

Wishing your family a wonderful connection.

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Anu Krishna |825 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 15, 2021

Question by JR - Jun 15, 2021Hindi

I need your expert advice in parenting my daughter. I am a 45 year old mother having two children, a daughter (aged 10 years) and a son (aged 7 years). My husband is very bad at finance issues and because of that we had some issues with my marriage. So I shifted to my mother's place with my kids and we were not in touch with my husband for quite some time. It’s been six years I have been bringing up my kids with very less support/ no support either from my husband or my mother. Since my husband is not staying with us, my kids have been missing their father. Of late, my husband visits us often and he spends time with the kids whenever possible. Though she is 10 years old, my daughter is not having that level of maturity. She is very illogical and dull. I have been training her in certain household work like sweeping the house, washing her clothes and all. She is doing all the work with no concentration/involvement/interest and so the output is pathetic. She is like that in her studies also. I have been explaining things in a very detailed way even then she is doing things like that. During my childhood no one was there to explain me but for my daughter I am there but she is not understanding the value of it. I am getting frustrated and irritated because of her. My question is since she was missing her father couple of years in the recent past, her behaviour is like this. Is there anything that I can do for her improvement? Shortly she might be starting her puberty cycle and before that I would like to make her logical and smart. I have been consistently trying for this by chatting with her alone but could not see any betterment. Kindly help me out.

Ans: Dear JR, when you say: She is very illogical and dull, what does this mean?

Does she take time to understand things? Or is it that she is being evaluated based on what others her age are doing?

At age 10, do you want a happy child or a child who excels in washing clothes and doing all your housework.

Sharing responsibilities at home is perfectly fine, but to judge your child based on that by saying: ‘output is pathetic’ only demoralizes the child further.

She possibly has missed her father all these years and what you need to do is fill it with more love, care and what is the point in driving the point that you didn’t have anyone and she has you and she has to understand the value of this.

She is 10, please allow her to be her age and feel free with each of you.

Create an environment that is loving and caring and supporting from both parents will enable her to relax, be cheerful, grow and be active. And this environment is not for any sort of evaluation or to see a favourable behaviour from her in return.

In a few years from now, she will be hitting puberty.

Let her walk into that phase with confidence and pride rather than self-doubt and shame. I am sure that as a mother you know how important that time is for a young girl.

Start thinking of how to be back together as a family as it isn’t easy for you as well to be away from your husband.

This could also be adding to your stress and maybe it comes out in different ways.

Be with your daughter, love her and encourage her and even after that, you see that there is a challenge, then maybe it’s time to visit a professional who can step in and help.

Happy parenting and be well and stress-free!

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