I already have a boyfriend but now I'm falling in love with another guy from my office. Now I am not sure who is right for me. I feel secure with one but more intimate with the other. I don't want to throw it all away but I don't know how to tell this to my boyfriend. What should I do?

Ans:

Dear A,

Before you confuse yourselves and others, seek professional help from someone who specialises in sexual orientation and challenges from it.

It can be very confusing to deal with this alone especially in a society that can scoff at same gender relationships.

Surround yourself with a lot of love and people who value you for who you are.

You need an independent view who can ask you questions that will put things into perspective and help you negotiate better with your confusions.

Remember confusions precede clarity, so never stop and keep moving.

Love yourself and your best friend even more as that’s what is going to help the two of you sail through this challenging time.

Sexual orientation moving away from what’s ‘normal’ can be scary and can throw us off balance as we have suddenly cut off the oxygen supply of support: which is society, family and friends who may or may not understand this.

Whatever this is, the confusion needs to be handled, so bring a third person’s expertise to move ahead. It definitely helps!

All the best!

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Yes, it is possible to be in love with more people at the same time. Can a man love his mother and his wife or his wife and his child?
So, love isn't restrictive but is encompasses within itself many relationships and yes it involves romantic relationships as well. But of course, society and hand-me-down beliefs will make you believe that it is all wrong and taboo.
On the other hand, being in love with two people or more causes a lot of confusion and entanglements; in your case, whom to choose? Besides, the emotional investment in each can be time consuming and energy draining. Keeping that in mind, it feels better that we have certain societal code of conduct to keep us sane.
And how do you choose a life partner? Simply list down your core values and if you are aligned on the long term value system and being with that person makes your life easier to be in and live in, then you know.
All the best!

Ans: Dear Rohan,
Sometimes the absence of a person in a relationship can make you realize how valuable they were in the first place.
Now that he is out of your life, you have had the space of time to reflect and understand what he actually brought in your life, It's the same with him and he does know your value more now than before.
Having said this, I will suggest, introspect all the situations that led the two of you to divorce. They were things that were not negotiable and some that were negotiable. The non-negotiables still will play an important part if the two of you want to get back together. So, this time around, if you want the relationship to work, learn to navigate around this non-negotiables or come to some sort of understanding where you agree to let things be and accept each other for who they are.

If you do choose the other person, leave your baggage from your marriage behind and remind yourself that this person must be treated with respect with no expectations that came out of your marriage. It's a new relationship and the goof-ups from the previous one need not be made in this one.

But like any relationship, a roller coaster ride is what makes it interesting and exciting.
Instead of focusing on faults and shortcomings, focus on what the other person brings into your life. Appreciate the finer points in them and it is possible to grow together and laugh together.

All the best!

Ans: Dear SSV,

It might help you to take a second and think about what you want. You loved someone and now he is gone. Moving on and finding another person to love is natural. Not being able to forget your ex might not be so much about your ex, as much as it is about you not being ready for another relationship. Allow yourself the time to heal and then look to love and be loved.

Introspection- asking yourself, "Am I really in love?" "Do I need some more time to move on?" "Am I completely healed from the previous breakup?" and so on can help you identify the real problem at hand.

You said, "I don't want to be alone." Are you sure you are not jumping from one relationship to another from the fear of the same? Don't let the fear of loneliness rush you into making moves that you might regret. You can consider stepping back from your current relationship for a heartbeat and figure out what it is that you want without your feelings clouding your judgment. Relationships don't usually work out when you are in two minds about it.

Best Wishes!

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Aren't we always seeking for something that we lack within us?
Why the yearning for a particular expression of love? And how are you so sure that this person that you met on the matrimonial site already is in love with you?
Having said this, the off and on relationship is a person who will express love in a way that he is comfortable with but that is setting you off...so the matrimonial person seems exciting in a way as it aligns with your way of expressing love.
When in a dilemma, put all the cards on the table...there are other things besides expressing love that goes into making a relationship and/or a marriage. Have you factored all of that?
- List down things that are important to you in a marriage and a spouse
- How compatible are the two of you in terms of emotional bonding?
- Do your respective family values match?
- What are your thoughts on money, children, travel, passion etc?
These questions are a good start point exercise with both the men...it will give you a fair idea as to who is more aligned to your way of life. Then you can go ahead and make your decision.

All the best!