I am 67 yrs.old female staying with my husband.We have 2sons younger one is having problems with his wife right from the beginning of their marriage.They have a one year old daughter too.My son blames us for his problems as it was arranged marriage and doesn't talk to any family members.Once their fights led to preparation for divorce but at that point both decided to stay together and tried for child .Now the child is one year old but they behave same.This causes so much distress to me .Pl.help

Ans:

Dear KB,

Maybe someone from the family or his friends have commented on your condition and made him feel that he made the wrong choice.

Even if it’s that, when he knew and had no objection, what is a man’s word is that he keeps it no matter what!

Now that he has gone back on it, it’s natural for others to take advantage of it and mock you for what the society considers as ‘not beautiful’.

In a way, we are obsessed with some sort of standards for what’s beautiful and what’s not. Beauty standards, you might call it so!

He seems to be a different person with his family and without, it suggests that he may not have a very strong mind to back up the decision of marrying you in the first place possibly against the wishes of his family.

Abuse, at no point is justifiable and you need to take a strong stance and draw a boundary as this is going to continue.

Your family has made a wise suggestion and for the sake of the child, it might be worth the effort to sit down have that chat with your husband however hard that might be.

Do not compromise on the fact that this so-called beauty standards and labels within his family will continue. Be unapologetic about who you are and own your beauty your way.

This is non- negotiable and you need to state this clearly when you have that conversation with him. Period!

All the best!

Ans: Dear Anonymous, Kindly try the following suggestions:
1. Regular Team activities-Have your son join a physical game, which is played as a team.
2. Discuss situations and hear him- let him express, keep essential agreement of all family members to be kind with each other.
3. Family evenings- where you all do things a sa family-go to an arcade, play a board game, watch TV together, cook together, dance to his choice of music,
Anger is loosing control, and grown-ups need to be in control, So, staying calm is being more in power. Your son is trying to find his identity and his hormones are acting up to.

Ans: Hats off to you my dear lady. You need to file for divorce and get this vile man out of your life and home once and for all. You have the means and the economic upper hand as well — consult a strong divorce lawyer and kick him to the curb! And there is life, love and companionship out there for you, so don’t give up on finding your own happiness — 52 is not old, you have a lot of years ahead with the potential to fulfill your happiness. Go for it!

Ans: Dear Mom,

I can totally empathise with you...so here is what I am going to tell you out of my own experience and what I did to overcome this mom guilt and seeking forgiveness. It's good that you are have worked on your marriage and have 3 kids, pat yourself on the back for it. And it's normal in any marriage for these kind of ups and downs and then attaining peace and love, so good going for having found them!!And remember marriage is continuous work.

The solution I am going to give, I am going to divide it into two parts..

1. Forgiving yourself first..be kind to yourself, you were young, you were inexperienced, the mom you are to your 3 yr old is not the same person who brought up your first child, so quit being guilty! Every soul has a journey to take, your son chose you as a mother so that he could take that journey with you...you both had to take this journey together in order to evolve and grow into the people you are today. So, FORGIVE YOURSELF AND QUIT FEELING GUILTY, it's not easy but you have to start doing it. Be kind to the old you... and embrace the new you!! You are not the same person and so is your first born, this continuous evolving as a human being and becoming better is called life, rt?

2. Your SON is 16yrs old, the aggression that he has may not be because of what you did to him... it may be the changing hormones? When you are a guilty mother, you tend to blame yourself for all the wrongs that happen in your child's life, so quit being guilty.
Talk to him about how young you were when he was born and how guilty you feel about some things( be careful about what you say, kids are very resilient, they know how to protect themselves , so maybe how you remember things may not be the same way that he remembers), say sorry and seek his forgiveness. Check if you can have this conversation with him, don't give him the power to make you feel further more guilty. I leave this decision to you.

Don't cry dear mom, forgive yourself, heal and see what best you can do from now on with your first born...just move on from the past... be there for him, cherish him, love him and be there for him, help him navigate through life with compassion and understanding. It might take time, but it's all doable. Take care of him.. and a mother truly knows what is best for her child, trust your instincts, the mother's instincts are far too powerful, take back your power from the "guilty mother" and nourish your bond.

What "I do' and also advice all parents is to spend excusive time with each child, scheduling time with each child and doing something which they like takes the bond to new levels!! Try this out...

All the best... and wishing happy times ahead for you and your beautiful family!!