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Kanchan Rai |189 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 26, 2023

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 25, 2023Hindi

Hi Mam, I am a 30 year old woman, married since 11 years. My husband is 36 years years old and have a normal intellectual relationship. The problem is since the past 2 years, we have had a very poor physical relationship. we have intercourse once in a month or 2 months (we indulge in foreplay weekly though) since my husband has been facing medical issues relating to the same and somewhat refrains visiting a doctor. He has even confessed to self consummate occasionally. We do not have a child and since many years we have been trying naturally and medically, but results have not come favorable. We have noticed that recently that our interests in each other has begun fading. My husband really loves me and takes care of me at the same time, I love him too, but things have not been very good of late. We both are very eager to start a family as well and plan to go for another medical attempt soon. Can you guide us how to get back to the healthy relationship we had?

Ans: I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a challenging time in your relationship. It's important to address both the physical and emotional aspects of your relationship to work towards a healthier and happier dynamic. Here are some steps you can consider:

Open Communication: Sit down with your husband and have an open and honest conversation about your feelings and concerns. Share your thoughts about the changes in your physical relationship, the impact it's having on your emotional connection, and your mutual desire to start a family.
Seek Professional Help: Since your husband is experiencing medical issues related to your physical relationship, it's crucial for him to consult a doctor. Encourage him to see a medical professional who specializes in sexual health. It's common for people to feel uncomfortable discussing such matters, but a doctor's guidance can help identify the underlying issues and recommend appropriate treatment.
Counseling or Therapy: Consider seeking couples therapy or counseling to address the emotional aspects of your relationship. A therapist can help both of you communicate more effectively, understand each other's needs, and work through any emotional barriers that might be affecting your intimacy.
Quality Time: Spend quality time together outside of your physical relationship. Engage in activities you both enjoy, communicate openly, and strengthen your emotional bond. This can help rekindle the connection you had before.
Support Each Other: Going through medical challenges and fertility issues can be emotionally draining. Support each other during this time by being patient, understanding, and showing empathy. Remember that you're a team, facing these challenges together.
Intimacy Beyond Sex: Explore ways to maintain intimacy that don't necessarily involve intercourse. Engage in activities that foster emotional closeness, like cuddling, holding hands, or having deep conversations.
Manage Stress: Fertility struggles and relationship issues can lead to increased stress. Find healthy ways to manage stress, such as exercise, meditation, or engaging in hobbies you enjoy.
Set Realistic Expectations: While it's natural to want to conceive and start a family, try not to let this desire put excessive pressure on your relationship. Setting realistic expectations and timelines can help alleviate some of the stress.
Rediscover Each Other: Take time to learn about each other anew. People change over time, so invest effort into discovering your partner's evolving interests, dreams, and aspirations.
Stay Positive: It's important to maintain a positive outlook. Focusing on the strengths of your relationship and the progress you make, both emotionally and physically, can make a significant difference.
Remember that relationships go through ups and downs, and it's not uncommon to face challenges. With open communication, patience, and a willingness to work together, you can navigate these difficulties and work towards reestablishing a healthy and fulfilling relationship. If needed, consider reaching out to professionals, such as therapists or doctors, to provide specialized guidance.

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Anu Krishna |873 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 15, 2021

Question by A - Jul 15, 2021Hindi

Hi Anu,I am a regular rediff news reader.I went through some of you post and I felt I can surely request you to help me in my situation.We are married since February 2017. We had a pretty good life in terms of physical and emotional as well.In Dec 2018 we had a child but after that there is a change in my wife's sexual behaviour.She is willing to have sex; we do get involved as well also. We become passionate in kissing and all but unfortunately she doesn't get wet.It's very difficult for me to keep my focus and I lose my erection.Just want to ask you is this because of change in hormonal issue due to birth of child or is this something we need to seek a professional to help us.She is really loving, caring and even she is disappointed with this.We even had a conversation over this. I asked her if she is no more interested in sex or if she doesn't find (me) attractive. Her answer was 'nothing like that'. She is very happy with me as a husband.

Ans: Dear A, being a mother is a big blessing for a woman.

She transitions into a beautiful phase of her life. But with this comes the responsibility of caring for a new-born or in your case a toddle round the clock.

She hardly has the time to focus on being a wife with the constant feeding and changing of nappies.

Added to that is she’s working, then there’s additional office work besides also taking care of the household chores.

Also, a woman goes through a lot of changes in her body after the delivery and for a few women sex is off the cards for a while after that.

This could be because some women feel that their body is not what their husbands will love anymore and also her focus has shifted on to her baby who needs her love, care and support 24/7.

There is a bond between the mother and the child that at times can irk a few husbands who can translate that as feeling ignored and angry.

This is the time the new father can also spring into action and come together for his lady and his child.

Support your wife unconditionally and love her without any expectations in return

Offer to care for the baby so that she can take some time-off to rejuvenate herself

Encourage her to indulge in a hobby that she might have stopped because of the baby; this will help her be in a happy space

Compliment her and engage in a little off-the-bedroom intimacy like hugging, kissing and holding hands

Watch movies together and do a couple of things that bonded you as a couple before the baby arrived

Smile at her warmly and reassure her that no matter what nothing has changed and that she is still the woman that you loved and married

Does this work? Yes, it does…Love and reassurance can cause a lot of calmness in her and arouse her better in bed.

And if there’s something still amiss, then maybe you could talk to a gynecologist who can guide both of you on the next steps and rule out any medical challenges. All is well.

Simply be in Love. Wishing you and your family a beautiful life!

Relationship

Anu Krishna |873 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 23, 2022

Question by Anonymous - Nov 23, 2022Hindi

Hi Anu, plz helpI am 42 years old and married since 9 years. We (husband and I) are childless. It's nine years since our marriage but we have not been intimate for even 90 times. My husband has no interest in sex. He had shown interest only in first week of marriage after that He never initiate. I understand his nature and always try to initiate but he always gives cold shoulder, he never reciprocates warmly, never holds me tightly or kisses willing. I always have to force' him or ask him to kiss or hug me. And this turns my mood off. This way we seldom have sex. I eagerly want it at least once a month and have told him, forced him several times but all in vain. I get frustrated. I feel restless. I can't share this with anyone. Whenever I try to get close, he ignores. Both of us respect and love each other. We don’t have extra marital affair. He cares for me too. I feel like running away from this situation but I love him and don’t want to leave him alone. Please respond.

Ans:

Dear Anonymous,

When there is a challenge with physical intimacy, it could be a physiological or a psychological problem. Either case, it needs some treatment.

But the worse could be conditioning about sex from childhood.

We all carry our maps when it comes to sex and beliefs around it. Along comes so many people and media and more who draw on these maps and we are left at the mercy of things that don’t belong to us.

Since he cares for you as you mentioned it, can you request him to sit down with you for an honest conversation where you can express all of this to him.

Who knows he might be willing to understand, and things can flow from there on.

Be kind instead of accusatory in your tone during the conversation. This will help ease him as well. But of course, if he resists the request, you might suggest that he see a professional.

It might again be met with some resistance but well, you need to try every trick in the book to meet an outcome.

Also, be aware that physical intimacy happens when the closeness develops outside the bedroom. So, spend a lot of time together, laugh a lot.

Praise his efforts in the marriage and appreciate the qualities in him.

Most often men who avoid sex simply suffer from low self-esteem and self-worth. So, play along and mean every compliment from the heart.

Best wishes to you!

Relationship

Anu Krishna |873 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 17, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 15, 2023Hindi

Hi Anu !! I am 53 year & my wife is 52 years. She underwent a surgery in 2021 for removal of a simple ovarian cyst and was back to normal routine after few months. However, we are not able to have sexual intercourse since then due to it being extremely painful for her. She has also lost all interest in sex & we try it occasionally only upon my insistence. Prior to her surgery, we had a rocking sex life but now it has come to an abrupt end & it feels very depressing at times, particularly for me. Life seems lack-lusture now. Is it normal or we need to have some medical or psychological intervention. My wife says we are now anyway too old to expect frequent sexual encounters as before. She had her menopause about 3 years back. Pls help, I am confused, just like teenagers are when they are at the doorsteps of adulthood.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Two things strike me as I read what you have shared.
1. The effects of the surgery and medications that are possibly not making intercourse a pleasure
2. The effects of menopause which she possibly is undergoing that can temporarily deter the body from being active for any form of sexual intimacy

So, isn't it fair to actually focus on her as she is dealing with two major challenges at this point in time? I do understand that as a man, the way the body works is not at the same pace as it is for a woman. That's how there is a mismatch during key phases of life; childbirth, menopause, illness...
For a woman, her body will cooperate for any form of intimacy only if she 'feels' it from within...with pain and physiological changes during menopause due to hormonal his and lows, it is a challenge.
Work together as a couple on this; understand what is going on with her and what she 'feels'

Address the 'feeling' part and you will get answers to what's going on with her mind and body. Is consulting an option? Yes, it is but after you have tried working together on this. Sometimes, it is good to rule out any medical issues that is causing her to still have pain or a fear due to that pain can be eliminated by working with a mental health professional. Also a Mind Expert, will be able to work on her beliefs on intimacy, sex etc after a certain age...
One can be sexually active as long as they wish to, but it need not be cut short due to health issues or belief issues. Be compassionate as you speak with her and I am sure, things will get better...

All the best!