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Is Hiring PIs In Arranged Marriage Ethical? Shocked 26F Asks For Advice

Ravi Mittal |465 Answers |Ask -Follow

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 29, 2024

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Asked by Anonymous - Nov 25, 2024Hindi

I (26F) have been in the process of searching suitable prospects through Arranged Marriage Platforms. I had connected well with a match (29M), we have been getting along quite well, chatting, phone calls & even met several times in person, over the last few months & got engaged after both Families liked each other. The Wedding is scheduled early in 2025. After our Engagement, my Fiance came up with a Shocking Revelation. He confessed that he (along with his Family) had Hired a Private Detective to snoop on me for a month or more. The Detective had conducted a thorough background check about me & my Family by secretly snooping around many places such as my Neighborhood, my Alma Mater, my Workplace, my Gym etc. & finally gave the Family a 'Clean Chit' about me & hence they decided to go ahead with the Engagement. I wasn't aware of all this, until my Fiance told me, all by himself, but only after our Engagement. Needless to say, I am Shocked at his Confession as I had always been Honest with him about everything he wanted to know about me, still he had to rely upon the 'Clean Chit' issued by a Stranger to be sure of my Character, while he'd been acting like he Trusted me all the while. He tried to pacify me saying that this is just a part of the usual Procedure & most people are doing the same, these days. But I am not able to Digest it. Even though, he has been repeatedly Reassuring me that he completely Trusts me now, I am afraid that he might continue snooping on me, even after we get Married. I am confused as to whether I should be Trusting my Fiance & going ahead with the Wedding, as scheduled? Or discuss with my Family & Call off the Wedding for what my Fiance had done? Can you please advise me, whether Hiring Private Detectives & snooping on prospects is really a part of Arranged Marriage, these days or my Fiance & his Family have Trust Issues? Is it even Ethical (if not Illegal)? Can I initiate any legal action against them for breaching my (& my Family's) Privacy? How do I deal with this, if he continues being so Suspicious about me, even if we decide to go ahead with the Marriage? P.S: I have been completely Honest with my Fiance, right from the beginning & even I Trusted everything he told me without any Cross-verification. Have I been the Foolish one here, while my Fiance had been playing Smart? Would you advise me to do the same thing, which he did, even though, I do not like the idea of having to spy on Loved ones?

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
First things first, you do not have to do what he did; tit for tat is not always the right approach. I would suggest discussing the matter openly with your family. Parents are often more experienced than us, and I am sure they can provide some good advice. Coming to him doing a background check- some people do that, and it's for some added security in an arranged marriage setup. But hiring a private detective is a bit too much; at least, personally, I have not heard of it before. Asking around or inquiring with mutual friends and family is common, but this might be too much. I am unsure if it indicates an overly doubtful nature in your fiance, or if the entire thing was his family's decision. My suggestion is not to rush into a decision; talk to your parents. If needed, take some more time to decide. And at any point, if you think all of these were too much, and you cannot trust him anymore, please do not hesitate to rethink the relationship. It's okay to prioritize yourself.

Best Wishes.