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Torn Between Wife and Mother: Can This 32-Year-Old Man Find a Solution?

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |571 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 29, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Dec 09, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

I'm 32M, married. Mine one's an arranged marriage. Since starting the equation between my wife and my mother is not good. I work in a govt job and was posted elsewhere. I got the opportunity to get transferred to my hometown but my wife threatened me to give divorce if I want to live with my mother. I tried to convince her but she did not listen. Pressurized by this I got myself transferred to a different place. This guilt is killing me inside that I'm not a good son and not taking care of my old age mother while I had the chance. I know I made a mistake. Plz help.

Ans: What you’re experiencing is not about being a “bad son” or a “bad husband,” but rather about being caught in a situation where compromises feel inevitable. You made a decision under pressure, but that doesn’t mean it’s irreversible or that you’ve failed in your responsibilities. You’re human, and it’s okay to feel conflicted while trying to manage such complex relationships.

Consider opening a dialogue with your wife again, but this time, approach it with calmness and empathy. Share your feelings with her—not as a demand or a confrontation, but as an expression of your inner struggle. For example, you could say, “I’ve been feeling torn because I want to be a good husband and also take care of my mother in her old age. This is important to me, and I’d like us to find a way where both relationships can thrive.” By framing the conversation this way, you’re inviting her to understand your perspective rather than pressuring her to agree with you.

It might also help to explore compromises. Could you visit your mother more often or ensure she has a strong support system nearby? Could your wife’s concerns about living with your mother be addressed through clear boundaries or adjustments that make her feel more comfortable? Understanding her reservations can open the door to finding solutions that work for both of you.

At the same time, work on forgiving yourself for the decision you made under difficult circumstances. Guilt is a sign that you care deeply, but it shouldn’t paralyze you or define your worth. Instead, use it as motivation to create a plan that honors both your mother and your wife in ways that are practical and sustainable.

Seeking guidance from a counselor or therapist could be immensely helpful in navigating these emotions and improving communication between you and your wife. A neutral third party can help both of you feel heard and respected while working toward a resolution.

Remember, you’re not alone in this. Many people face similar challenges in balancing their roles within a family. What matters most is your willingness to approach the situation with compassion, patience, and a commitment to finding a path forward that respects everyone involved—including yourself.

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |571 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 29, 2024

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I am 42 years old, working in a PSU bank for 11 years. I have my Mother at home who is 73 years and retired state govt. Officer. My Father passed away in 2013 just after I joined my job. He was a state govt. Officer. I am married and have one son 8.5 years old studying in class 4. My wife is working in state govt. She often leaves my home with our son and goes to her father's place which is just near to my house because of minor issues like any hot talk with me. She has no problem with my Mother. We had a love marriage and we dated for 13 years and in 2015 got married. I am a family bound guy but when wife leaves me, I and mostly my Mother falls into trouble due to all household works are to be done by her as I have minimum time in the morning to help her. Our maid left one months back. I am searching one but not getting. Last year I and my wife stayed apart for 9 months in total, not at a time but in two parts. I sent her lawyers letter 3 months back after she left me in January this year. She came back 2 months back and left again after one month. I really miss my son and wife when they are not with me. My Mother also miss her grandson and becomes hopeless. I can't find any solution to this. Please suggest what will I do. I have lots of pressure at workplace and not satisfied with my job too as bank has lots of problems these days. I think of leaving job to support my Mother. I will leave job surely if something odd happens to my Mother. My Father took 3 words from me before death to Look after Mother, to look after house and to look after the house belongings. Already I am unable to keep all 3 words properly. I feel guilty of myself. Please guide me about my career and family life.
Ans: Dear DP
Navigating your current situation requires a strategic approach that balances your professional and personal responsibilities. Communication is key. Have an open and calm conversation with your wife to understand her perspective and express your concerns without assigning blame. Counseling can be beneficial here, offering a neutral space to discuss underlying issues and improve your relationship dynamics.

Supporting your mother is equally important. While searching for a permanent solution for household help, consider temporary alternatives such as part-time assistance or community support services. Engage your mother in local senior activities to provide her with social interaction and support.

Addressing your job dissatisfaction is also crucial. Explore other roles within your bank or in other PSUs that match your skills but offer a less stressful environment. Professional development can open new career opportunities. Taking regular breaks, practicing mindfulness, and ensuring a work-life balance can help manage your stress levels.

By focusing on these areas—open communication with your wife, practical support for your mother, and exploring less stressful job options—you can work towards a more stable and fulfilling family and professional life.

..Read more

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8182 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 03, 2025

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Dear Sir, I am 47 years old IT professional. My current salary is 1.5 lakhs per month. I have a daughter who just completed her 10th board exam. My corpus is around 1.6Cr FD&PPF; 30 lakhs in MF & stocks; 50 lakhs in EPF. I have no debt and living in my own house. Please suggest if I can plan for retirement
Ans: Your financial position is strong, and planning for retirement at 47 is a smart decision. Below is a detailed 360-degree approach to assess whether you can retire comfortably and how to ensure financial security.

Understanding Your Current Financial Position
Income: Rs 1.5 lakh per month.

Corpus:

Rs 1.6 crore in Fixed Deposits (FD) and Public Provident Fund (PPF).

Rs 30 lakh in mutual funds and stocks.

Rs 50 lakh in Employees' Provident Fund (EPF).

Liabilities: No debts.

Assets: Own house, ensuring no rent or EMI burden.

Family Responsibility:

Daughter has just completed the 10th board exam.

Higher education expenses need to be planned.

Key Considerations Before Retirement
Expected Retirement Age

If you plan to retire early (before 55), corpus sustainability needs careful assessment.

If you work till 60, it will provide a larger financial cushion.

Post-Retirement Expenses

Living expenses, healthcare, travel, and lifestyle costs must be considered.

Inflation will increase future expenses.

Daughter’s Education

Higher education costs are significant.

Corpus should cover both education and retirement without compromise.

Medical Expenses

Health costs increase with age.

A high health insurance cover is essential.

Wealth Growth vs. Safety

A mix of equity and debt investments ensures growth while preserving capital.

Excessive reliance on FDs and PPF may limit long-term wealth accumulation.

Assessing If You Can Retire Comfortably
Current Corpus Size

Rs 2.4 crore (excluding house) is a strong starting point.

But, inflation will reduce its real value over time.

Expected Corpus Growth

Investments in mutual funds and stocks should continue to grow.

PPF and EPF offer stable but lower returns.

Withdrawals Post-Retirement

Sustainable withdrawals should not deplete the corpus too soon.

A balanced investment strategy is required.

Gaps in Planning

Heavy reliance on FDs and PPF may not be ideal.

More equity exposure can ensure inflation-beating returns.

Steps to Strengthen Your Retirement Plan
1. Optimising Investment Strategy
Continue investing in mutual funds with a mix of large-cap, mid-cap, and flexi-cap funds.

Reduce dependence on FDs for long-term needs.

Equity mutual funds help counter inflation and grow wealth.

Avoid index funds as they provide average returns without active management.

Regular funds through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) offer expert monitoring.

Diversify investments between equity, debt, and fixed-income products.

2. Planning for Daughter’s Education
Higher education costs can be Rs 30-50 lakh in the next 5-7 years.

Separate this goal from your retirement plan.

Increase equity investment to build an education corpus.

Avoid withdrawing from retirement savings for education.

3. Building a Healthcare Safety Net
Health insurance should cover at least Rs 30-50 lakh.

Consider super top-up plans for additional coverage.

Maintain an emergency medical fund to cover non-insured expenses.

Review insurance policies periodically.

4. Creating a Sustainable Withdrawal Plan
Avoid withdrawing a large portion of the corpus in early retirement years.

Keep at least 5 years of expenses in liquid assets.

Equity exposure should reduce gradually as retirement progresses.

Use dividends and interest income before selling assets.

Final Insights
Retirement is possible, but adjustments are needed for long-term security.

Continue investing aggressively for the next few years.

Ensure daughter's education is planned separately.

Review investments and insurance regularly.

Keep flexibility in withdrawal strategy post-retirement.

A structured plan will ensure a financially secure and comfortable retirement.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8182 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 03, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 03, 2025Hindi
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My employer offers a salary sacrifice scheme for pension contributions, but I don't fully understand how it works. What are the potential advantages and disadvantages of joining such a scheme, and how does it affect my take-home pay and long-term financial planning?
Ans: A salary sacrifice scheme for pension contributions allows you to give up a portion of your salary in exchange for increased employer contributions to your pension. It has tax and National Insurance (NI) advantages but also some potential drawbacks.

How Salary Sacrifice for Pension Works
You agree to reduce your gross salary by a chosen amount.

Your employer contributes this amount directly to your pension.

Since your taxable salary is lower, you pay less income tax and NI.

Your employer also saves on NI and may pass on some or all of this saving to your pension.

Advantages
1. Tax and NI Savings
You don’t pay income tax or NI on the sacrificed amount.

Your employer saves on NI (currently 13.8%) and may increase your pension with these savings.

2. Higher Pension Contributions
Since more money goes into your pension, your retirement corpus grows faster.

Compounding over time enhances long-term wealth.

3. Increased Take-Home Pay
Although you sacrifice part of your salary, the NI savings may offset some of the reduction.

Depending on employer policies, your net pay may not drop significantly.

4. Potential Employer Matching
Some employers pass their NI savings into your pension, increasing your total contributions.

Disadvantages
1. Reduced Gross Salary
A lower salary means reduced future pay rises if they are percentage-based.

Life cover, sick pay, and redundancy pay linked to salary may be affected.

2. Lower Borrowing Capacity
Mortgage applications consider salary; a lower reported income might reduce borrowing potential.

3. Impact on State Benefits
If salary drops below certain thresholds, statutory benefits like maternity pay and state pension could be affected.

4. Restricted Access to Pension
The extra pension savings cannot be accessed before retirement (except under specific conditions).

Effect on Take-Home Pay
Your net pay will be slightly lower, but less than the actual amount sacrificed.

The tax and NI savings cushion the impact.

If your employer adds their NI savings, your total retirement savings increase.

Effect on Long-Term Financial Planning
Your pension fund grows faster, improving retirement security.

Short-term disposable income is slightly reduced, so budget planning is important.

Consider how the reduced salary affects other financial goals like buying a house or saving for education.

Should You Opt for It?
If employer NI savings are passed to your pension, it’s highly beneficial.

If you are close to lower tax bands or state benefit thresholds, assess the impact.

If you plan to apply for a mortgage, check how it affects your eligibility.

A Certified Financial Planner (CFP) can help assess your personal situation before making a decision.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8182 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 03, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 03, 2025Hindi
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Money
Hi Sir , Greetings of the day!! hope you are doing well !! I want to do a savings of 50 lacs in as much less time span as possible because I want to buy a property in Gurgaon. My monthly salary is 1 lac 11k and I am currently investing 10k in mutual fund monthly and 50k in nps yearly. Can you please guide me how can I save 50 lacs and in how much time ?
Ans: Your goal of saving Rs 50 lakh for a property in Gurgaon is ambitious but achievable with the right strategy. Below is a structured approach to help you reach your target in the shortest possible time.

Understanding Your Current Financial Position
Your monthly salary is Rs 1.11 lakh.

You invest Rs 10,000 per month in mutual funds.

Your annual NPS contribution is Rs 50,000.

You haven't mentioned any liabilities or existing savings. If you have any ongoing EMIs or debts, they should be factored in.

Key Considerations for Achieving Rs 50 Lakh Target
The speed of reaching Rs 50 lakh depends on savings rate and returns.

High savings rate is the most reliable way to accumulate wealth.

Investment returns are uncertain and depend on market conditions.

A balanced approach is necessary to ensure stability and growth.

Increasing Your Savings Rate
Currently, you are investing Rs 10,000 per month.

If you can increase it to Rs 50,000 per month, you will reach Rs 50 lakh faster.

Cutting discretionary expenses will free up more money for investments.

Consider reducing unnecessary spending on dining out, luxury items, and vacations.

Redirect bonuses, incentives, or salary hikes towards savings.

Choosing the Right Investment Instruments
Mutual Funds for Growth
Actively managed equity mutual funds can generate better returns than fixed deposits.

A mix of large-cap, mid-cap, and small-cap funds can balance risk and reward.

Mid-cap and small-cap funds have higher growth potential but also higher volatility.

Avoid index funds as they provide average returns and lack active risk management.

Debt Investments for Stability
Fixed deposits, debt mutual funds, and PPF provide stability.

These should be used for short-term parking rather than long-term growth.

Debt mutual funds are taxed based on your income tax slab.

Avoid locking too much money in low-return instruments.

Balancing Risk and Return
Investing entirely in equity mutual funds can generate high returns but comes with volatility.

A mix of 80% equity and 20% debt can provide stability.

As your target nears, shift more funds towards safer instruments.

Avoid speculation and high-risk investments like cryptocurrency.

Role of NPS in Your Goal
NPS is good for retirement but not ideal for short-term goals.

Partial withdrawal is allowed only under specific conditions.

Do not rely on NPS for your property purchase.

Managing Tax Efficiency
Equity mutual fund LTCG above Rs 1.25 lakh is taxed at 12.5%.

Short-term capital gains (STCG) are taxed at 20%.

Debt mutual fund gains are taxed as per your income slab.

Investing in tax-efficient instruments will maximize returns.

Estimating the Timeframe
If you invest Rs 50,000 per month, you can accumulate Rs 50 lakh in about 7-8 years with moderate returns.

If you invest Rs 75,000 per month, you can reach Rs 50 lakh in about 5 years.

The faster you increase your savings, the sooner you will achieve your goal.

Final Insights
Increase your monthly investment to at least Rs 50,000.

Focus on actively managed equity mutual funds.

Keep a small portion in debt for stability.

Avoid unnecessary expenses and invest salary increments.

Do not depend on NPS for this goal.

Monitor and adjust your portfolio as needed.

Stay disciplined and patient to achieve your target.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Dr Dipankar

Dr Dipankar Dutta  |1092 Answers  |Ask -

Tech Careers and Skill Development Expert - Answered on Apr 03, 2025

Dr Dipankar

Dr Dipankar Dutta  |1092 Answers  |Ask -

Tech Careers and Skill Development Expert - Answered on Apr 03, 2025

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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