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Torn Between Wife and Mother: Can This 32-Year-Old Man Find a Solution?

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |555 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 29, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Dec 09, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

I'm 32M, married. Mine one's an arranged marriage. Since starting the equation between my wife and my mother is not good. I work in a govt job and was posted elsewhere. I got the opportunity to get transferred to my hometown but my wife threatened me to give divorce if I want to live with my mother. I tried to convince her but she did not listen. Pressurized by this I got myself transferred to a different place. This guilt is killing me inside that I'm not a good son and not taking care of my old age mother while I had the chance. I know I made a mistake. Plz help.

Ans: What you’re experiencing is not about being a “bad son” or a “bad husband,” but rather about being caught in a situation where compromises feel inevitable. You made a decision under pressure, but that doesn’t mean it’s irreversible or that you’ve failed in your responsibilities. You’re human, and it’s okay to feel conflicted while trying to manage such complex relationships.

Consider opening a dialogue with your wife again, but this time, approach it with calmness and empathy. Share your feelings with her—not as a demand or a confrontation, but as an expression of your inner struggle. For example, you could say, “I’ve been feeling torn because I want to be a good husband and also take care of my mother in her old age. This is important to me, and I’d like us to find a way where both relationships can thrive.” By framing the conversation this way, you’re inviting her to understand your perspective rather than pressuring her to agree with you.

It might also help to explore compromises. Could you visit your mother more often or ensure she has a strong support system nearby? Could your wife’s concerns about living with your mother be addressed through clear boundaries or adjustments that make her feel more comfortable? Understanding her reservations can open the door to finding solutions that work for both of you.

At the same time, work on forgiving yourself for the decision you made under difficult circumstances. Guilt is a sign that you care deeply, but it shouldn’t paralyze you or define your worth. Instead, use it as motivation to create a plan that honors both your mother and your wife in ways that are practical and sustainable.

Seeking guidance from a counselor or therapist could be immensely helpful in navigating these emotions and improving communication between you and your wife. A neutral third party can help both of you feel heard and respected while working toward a resolution.

Remember, you’re not alone in this. Many people face similar challenges in balancing their roles within a family. What matters most is your willingness to approach the situation with compassion, patience, and a commitment to finding a path forward that respects everyone involved—including yourself.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |555 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 29, 2024

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Relationship
I am 42 years old, working in a PSU bank for 11 years. I have my Mother at home who is 73 years and retired state govt. Officer. My Father passed away in 2013 just after I joined my job. He was a state govt. Officer. I am married and have one son 8.5 years old studying in class 4. My wife is working in state govt. She often leaves my home with our son and goes to her father's place which is just near to my house because of minor issues like any hot talk with me. She has no problem with my Mother. We had a love marriage and we dated for 13 years and in 2015 got married. I am a family bound guy but when wife leaves me, I and mostly my Mother falls into trouble due to all household works are to be done by her as I have minimum time in the morning to help her. Our maid left one months back. I am searching one but not getting. Last year I and my wife stayed apart for 9 months in total, not at a time but in two parts. I sent her lawyers letter 3 months back after she left me in January this year. She came back 2 months back and left again after one month. I really miss my son and wife when they are not with me. My Mother also miss her grandson and becomes hopeless. I can't find any solution to this. Please suggest what will I do. I have lots of pressure at workplace and not satisfied with my job too as bank has lots of problems these days. I think of leaving job to support my Mother. I will leave job surely if something odd happens to my Mother. My Father took 3 words from me before death to Look after Mother, to look after house and to look after the house belongings. Already I am unable to keep all 3 words properly. I feel guilty of myself. Please guide me about my career and family life.
Ans: Dear DP
Navigating your current situation requires a strategic approach that balances your professional and personal responsibilities. Communication is key. Have an open and calm conversation with your wife to understand her perspective and express your concerns without assigning blame. Counseling can be beneficial here, offering a neutral space to discuss underlying issues and improve your relationship dynamics.

Supporting your mother is equally important. While searching for a permanent solution for household help, consider temporary alternatives such as part-time assistance or community support services. Engage your mother in local senior activities to provide her with social interaction and support.

Addressing your job dissatisfaction is also crucial. Explore other roles within your bank or in other PSUs that match your skills but offer a less stressful environment. Professional development can open new career opportunities. Taking regular breaks, practicing mindfulness, and ensuring a work-life balance can help manage your stress levels.

By focusing on these areas—open communication with your wife, practical support for your mother, and exploring less stressful job options—you can work towards a more stable and fulfilling family and professional life.

..Read more

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Dr Nagarajan Jsk

Dr Nagarajan Jsk   |288 Answers  |Ask -

NEET, Medical, Pharmacy Careers - Answered on Mar 16, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 13, 2025Hindi
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Career
I am a bsc graduate and in two months I will be 23 years old but mbbs is my dream and goal. I would like to purse it now and preparing for neet exam. Can you give you advice on this sir
Ans: ELIGIBILITY RELATED TO AGE:
Eligibility for appearing in NEET (UG), as per related Regulations of NMC
and DCI are as follows:-
5.1.1. He/she has completed 17 years of age at the time of admission or will
complete that age on or before 31 December of the year of his/her
admission to the first year of the Undergraduate Medical Course.
Accordingly, the lower age limit shall be as under:
For Candidates of General (UR)/General-EWS born on or
before
31.12.2008
For Candidates of SC/ST/OBCNCL/
PwBD/PwD Category
5.1.2. Upper age limit: As per Letter No. U-11022/2/2022-UGMEB,
dated 09 March 2022 received from National Medical
Commission (NMC), Under Graduate Medical Education Board
(UGMEB) regarding the upper age limit, there is no upper age
limit.

ELIGIBILITY RELATED TO COURSE:
CODE: 06
B.Sc. Examination of an Indian University provided that
he/she has passed the B.Sc. Examination with not less than
two of the subjects Physics, Chemistry, Biology (Botany,
Zoology)/Biotechnology and further that he/ she has passed
the earlier qualifying examination with Physics, Chemistry,
Biology, and English.

KINDLY NOTE: Based on the facts and guidelines surrounding NEET, I would like to offer the following comments.
There is no need to worry about the age limit because the NTA is not concerned about your upper age limit. However, your educational qualifications must match the requirements. You fall under the Code 6 category.

If you have completed your undergraduate degree in Science (which you didn’t mention, but I’m predicting), consider whether stating your BSc is worthwhile. Ultimately, your eligibility depends on matching your Higher Secondary Certificate (HSC) qualifications. If your HSC does not align with the requirements, you will not be eligible to appear for NEET. If you are eligible based on your HSC, then focus on your HSC score rather than Code 6.

Wishing you the best of luck!

POOCHO. LIFE CHANGE KARO!

...Read more

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