Hi Anu! Am a 55yr old Telugu NRI Male. Father of 3 daughters (27, 23 & 18). I luv all 3 of them more than my life. I have struggled extremely hard in my life to reach this position. And, have given my best to them always. They know about that. But, what they have done has broken me. All 3 of them r NRIs like me, and Engineers. Elder one is a Masters from USA. Younger one still studying. I had planned the marraige of my elder one when she was 23. I had already conveyed this to her in advance, for which she agreed. I clearly conveyed to her, that, having 3 daughters, I cannot afford any experiments. Only, if I plan to settle off all 3 of them in a proper and phased manner, I can finish off my duties for the youngest, by the time Im 60. Else, things will become challenging if any one of them delays for any reason, and being in a Gulf Country, I loose my job anytime, or, if I have to return due to health issues, we cud become challenged financially. Effecting the settling of my daughters. So, when I went to India around 4yrs back to initiate the plans for her match making, she stunned me by conveying that, she likes someone (a Telugu but from a different equal caste). Though stunned at her reversal, I went along, and decided to approach the Boy's father, who was a close friend. But, I was in for a bigger shock, where, the Boy's father (my friend) himself approached me, and conveyed in quiet an abrupt manner, that, he is against an intercaste marraige. I conveyed this to her (my daughter) and my wife, in front of my other 2 daughters. To my surprise, i found all my 3 daughters totally silent on this subject. Except my wife, who supported me on the insult I had to face from the Boy's father (my friend). None of my daughters felt pricked at the way he conveyed his message to me. Until this incident, my wife too was supporting my daughter, despite fully knowing that she had reversed from he initial agreement. But, this incident took her away from her support and towards the family respect. This was resented by my 3 daughters against my wife. So, after this, I started to build pressure on my daughter, conveying that, lets put this behind us, and lets proceed with seeing matches for u. She conveyed that, she needs time to heal. I asked her how much time? 1month, 2 months, 6months a year? She wasnt clear about that, which made me upset. And defeated, I left back to my job outside India. Suddenly, out of the blue, I was informed by my wife, that, she has done GRE, and got a very good score of 325/340. And, she plans to go to USA for her Masters on Scholarship. I was surprised, that, I had spent Rs.40K to join a Guidance Class to help her get a good score, which she cud not the 1st time. But, this 2nd time, how cud she get such a good score without any gudance? What was her motiivation? Whatever be the case, I felt proud of her achievement, and agreed to fund her (close to 60 Lakhs). I felt that, getting such a good score, she shud seek admission in a prestigious University, whatever be the cost on me. I had conveyed to her thro her Mom (as we werent on speaking terms), that, this money is for her's and her Sisters marraige expenses, whenever their marriage comes. I had kept aside 20 lakhs each for each of my daughters exclusively as marriage expenses. And, she has to return that amount once she starts earning. This is usually what all kids going to USA for their Masters do. They return back the money taken from their Parents, or pay back the Bank Loans. But, I payed off the Bank Loan (full 60 lakhs), so, that, the interest doesnt burden her, and asked her to pay me back when she can. Condition being, she has to pay back a min 20 lakhs in time for her marraige expenses. I was further stunned and shocked by 2 more reveals. One that, she took the step to do Masters, as the Boy too was in USA, and she followed him there with his concurrence. Which again, she hid from us. 2nd being, she also took this step to escape the marraige pressure from us in the aftermath of the Boy's father's insult to me. All these 3 yrs, she never bothered to even ask or enquire about the Financial Burden her expenses has caused to the Family. Let alone trying to convey how she plans to repay them back. Worse these 3 yrs, she doesnt attend our calls (specially her mother's, as I dont call at all), talks to her Mom in a haughty tone. Seeing her, my other 2 daughters too behave with their Mother, and at times with me to the same way. As if, it is our duty to ensure that, we provide everything to them, and when they ask. Now, it has also become clear thro my 2nd daughter that, my elder one is going to marry the same guy. Where, frankly, me and my wife dont care much about at this stage. But, this betrayal by her and the following her footsteps by her Sisters is eating me day and out. And I feel my life slipping away from my hands. I lost my only Sister, around 25yrs back. Then my Mother around 16yrs back, and my father around 4yrs back. Im alone with just my wife as my Companion. Im financially well off, but, seem to have lost my will to live. I want to live only till my 3rd daughter settles in life. And bid good bye. But, each time I think in such a way, my wife's picture comes in front of my eyes. Me and my wife luv each other a lot. I have not been a perfect husband to her. But, she has always loved me with her full heart, despite her initial mistake in supporting my elder daughter on her actions. The purpose of this query, is not for guidance, but just for sharing my pain, which, I cannot share with anyone. Not even my wife. Else, she will be devastated. She too is extremely pained with the attitude of my daughters.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Since you have mentioned that you don't seek guidance but just wanted to share the pain; thank you for writing in and sharing and I wish you well in life and can only hope things get better for you...
All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/
Question by Neeraj on Apr 20, 2023Hindi
