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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 23, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Shuthaakharan Question by Shuthaakharan on Dec 20, 2023Hindi
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Good morning sir,I had two sons one son age is 26 he invest sip 3000 monthly who working software professional,his net salary 26000/his retirement age 55,I like 1lakh pension at the time, another my age is 63 I invest sip 9000 monthly already 4lakhs in my sip at the age of 70 what amount I get,my wife is govt employe her net salary 95000/she purchase gold this gold investment is good or suggest good one, please answer this

Ans: Good morning!

It's wonderful to hear that both you and your son are taking steps towards securing your financial futures. Let's break down each of your situations:

For your son, starting SIPs at a young age is a smart move. With his current investments and assuming a modest annual return, he has the potential to accumulate a significant corpus by his retirement at age 55. However, to achieve a pension of 1 lakh per month, he might need to increase his investments or diversify into other financial instruments.

As for you, with 4 lakhs already invested and an additional 7 years of SIPs, your corpus at age 70 will depend on the rate of return. It's essential to ensure that your investments align with your risk tolerance and financial goals for retirement.

Regarding your wife's investment in gold, while gold has traditionally been seen as a safe-haven asset, it's essential to diversify investments. Consider exploring other options like mutual funds, fixed deposits, or government savings schemes for a balanced portfolio.

Remember, financial planning is not a one-size-fits-all approach. It might be beneficial to consult a financial advisor who can provide personalized advice based on your individual circumstances. This journey towards financial well-being is a marathon, not a sprint, and every step taken today brings you closer to your goals.
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 12, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 01, 2024Hindi
Money
Hello Sir, I am 45 yrs , 2 boy kids age 14 and 8 years and old age parents with me . I am working in sales and marketing Overseas West African market within the pharmaceuticals industry. I have my own home of 1500 sq feet gross value in Nagpur 75 lac . I have did mutual fund investment of 4 lac in December 2023 ( one time investment ) , regular SIP 30,000 per month from last 2 years and more planning to invest 30,0000 per month from July 2024 .I had taken TATA AIA Ulip plan 1.5 Lac per annum for 5 years (dec 2022 . finished 2 years ) . Present FD @ 7% 10 lac with HDFC Bank. Around purchase 14 lac in Gold bars . Planning to take the Term plan for age 85 years premium annual 1.75Lac pee annum for next 10 years for risk cover 2 Cr . Monthly LIC policy going on 80,000 per annum from 15 years . I am planning my retirement in the age of 55 years to take care 100+ personally for my kids , Please suggest more best financial plans
Ans: It's great to see your proactive approach towards planning your future. Let's delve into your financial situation and explore ways to optimize your investments to achieve your goals. Here’s a detailed analysis and some tailored advice for you:

Current Financial Position
Age: 45 years
Children: 2 boys (14 and 8 years)
Parents: Old age and dependent
Profession: Sales and Marketing in West Africa for the pharmaceutical industry
Home: Own house in Nagpur, 1500 sq. ft., valued at Rs 75 lakhs

Mutual Fund Investment: Rs 4 lakhs (one-time in Dec 2023), SIP of Rs 30,000/month for 2 years, and planning to increase SIP to Rs 30,000 from July 2024

ULIP Plan: TATA AIA, Rs 1.5 lakhs/year, started in Dec 2022 (completed 2 years)

Fixed Deposit: Rs 10 lakhs with HDFC Bank at 7%

Gold Investment: Rs 14 lakhs in gold bars

Insurance: Planning a term plan of Rs 2 crores, premium Rs 1.75 lakhs/year for the next 10 years

LIC Policy: Rs 80,000/year, ongoing for 15 years

Retirement Goal: Planning to retire at 55 to care for kids and parents

You’ve made significant strides in securing your family’s future with thoughtful investments. Your proactive steps towards retirement and your dedication to your family’s well-being are commendable.

Mutual Funds: An Overview
Mutual funds are a great way to grow your wealth over time. They offer diversification, professional management, and the power of compounding. Let's break down the categories and advantages:

Equity Funds: These invest in stocks and are ideal for long-term growth. They can be categorized into large-cap, mid-cap, small-cap, and sector funds.
Debt Funds: These invest in fixed income securities like bonds. They are less risky than equity funds and provide regular income.
Hybrid Funds: These combine both equity and debt investments to balance risk and return.
Advantages: Professional management, diversification, liquidity, and potential for higher returns compared to traditional savings methods.

Current Investments Analysis
Your current investments show a balanced approach, but there’s room for optimization:

Mutual Funds
Your mutual fund investments are on the right track. Increasing your SIP to Rs 30,000/month is a good move. Here’s why actively managed funds might be better:

Professional Management: Actively managed funds are handled by experts who aim to outperform the market.
Flexibility: They can adjust portfolios based on market conditions.
Potential for Higher Returns: Although not guaranteed, they have the potential to deliver better returns than index funds.
ULIP Plan
ULIPs often combine insurance and investment, which might not always be the best. They have high charges and often underperform compared to mutual funds. You might want to reconsider this investment.

Fixed Deposit
FDs are safe but offer lower returns compared to other options. With 7% interest, it's relatively decent but won't beat inflation in the long run. Consider diversifying into more growth-oriented investments.

Gold Investment
Gold is a good hedge against inflation and currency risk. However, it doesn't generate regular income. It should remain a small part of your overall portfolio.

Suggested Financial Plans
Increase SIP Investments
You are already planning to increase your SIP. Ensure you diversify across various types of funds:

Large Cap Funds: Stable and less volatile.
Mid Cap and Small Cap Funds: Higher risk but potentially higher returns.
Debt Funds: To balance risk and provide stability.
Flexi Cap Funds: Offer flexibility to invest across market caps.
Re-evaluate ULIP
Consider surrendering your ULIP after understanding the surrender charges and reinvesting the amount into mutual funds for better returns.

Optimize Fixed Deposits
Since FDs offer lower returns, consider reducing the amount in FDs and reallocating to debt mutual funds, which can offer better post-tax returns.

Term Insurance
Your plan for a term insurance of Rs 2 crores is a prudent decision. It provides a high cover at a low cost, ensuring your family's financial security.

LIC Policy
Traditional LIC policies often have lower returns compared to mutual funds. If possible, assess the surrender value and consider reinvesting in more efficient financial instruments.

Retirement Planning
You aim to retire at 55. Here are steps to ensure you achieve a comfortable retirement:

Retirement Corpus Calculation
Estimate your retirement expenses considering inflation. You’ll need a substantial corpus to generate the desired monthly income.

Diversified Portfolio
Maintain a balanced portfolio with a mix of equity, debt, and gold to ensure growth and stability.

Regular Review
Review your investments periodically with a Certified Financial Planner to stay on track.

Children's Education Planning
Your children’s education is a significant future expense. Start a dedicated investment plan:

Child Education Funds
Invest in equity mutual funds to build a corpus for their higher education.

Education Insurance Plans
These plans can be considered for their dual benefit of insurance and savings for education.

Contingency Fund
Maintain an emergency fund to cover at least 6-12 months of expenses. This ensures you are prepared for any unforeseen events.

Estate Planning
Plan for the distribution of your assets. Create a will to ensure your assets are passed on as per your wishes.

Final Insights
Your current financial strategy is commendable, but optimizing your investments can help achieve your goals more efficiently. Regularly review and adjust your plan with a Certified Financial Planner to stay aligned with your objectives.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Aug 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 27, 2024Hindi
Money
Hello Sir I am 46 year old. I have wife and 2 kids . Daughter is going for study at abroad, son is in 9 th . Following is my investment and loan . Home loan 25 L remaining emi 24 K , Car loan 3 L remaining emi 8 K. Investment 77 L FD , 18 L mutual fund ( 50 K per month) , epf 76 L , ppf 30 L, other gold/ shares 4 L and 3.4 L NSC post office. I earn 2 L per month and my wife 55 K . We require for daughter eduction 7 L per annum for next 6 years and son education after 4 year may be 7 L for 4 years. We want retirement at 55 with 1.5 L per month please suggest how to achieve this
Ans: You have a strong financial foundation. Your income, combined with your wife’s, is Rs. 2.55 lakh per month. You have a diversified investment portfolio, including fixed deposits, mutual funds, EPF, PPF, gold, shares, and NSC. Your loan obligations are Rs. 25 lakh on your home loan and Rs. 3 lakh on your car loan, with EMIs of Rs. 24,000 and Rs. 8,000, respectively.

Your daughter's education costs will be Rs. 7 lakh annually for the next six years. Your son's education will require Rs. 7 lakh annually starting in four years for a period of four years. Additionally, you plan to retire at 55, with a desired monthly income of Rs. 1.5 lakh.

Financial Goals
1. Funding Education Expenses

Your immediate priority is securing funds for your children's education. For your daughter, you need Rs. 42 lakh over six years. For your son, you need Rs. 28 lakh starting in four years. These goals are crucial and require a robust plan.

2. Retirement Planning

You wish to retire at 55, with a target of Rs. 1.5 lakh per month. With nine years to retirement, it's essential to align your investments to ensure this target is met.

3. Loan Repayment

Paying off your home and car loans will free up cash flow, which can be redirected to other investments.

Strategic Financial Planning
1. Optimizing Loan Repayment

Home Loan: You have Rs. 25 lakh remaining on your home loan. With an EMI of Rs. 24,000, the remaining tenure is likely long. Consider prepaying a portion of this loan. Prepayment will reduce the tenure and save interest. You could use a part of your FD to do this. This action will free up Rs. 24,000 per month in the future.

Car Loan: The outstanding amount is Rs. 3 lakh with an EMI of Rs. 8,000. Given the smaller loan size, it’s advisable to pay this off early. You could use your savings or FD for this. This will free up Rs. 8,000 per month.

2. Investment Strategy for Education

Daughter’s Education: Rs. 7 lakh per annum for six years will need Rs. 42 lakh. You already have Rs. 77 lakh in FD, which is a safe option. However, considering inflation, it’s wise to ensure that these funds are not only secure but also growing. You might want to move some of these funds into a balanced mutual fund or a debt mutual fund. This will offer a better return than FD while still being relatively low-risk.

Son’s Education: Rs. 7 lakh per annum for four years, starting in four years, will require Rs. 28 lakh. You have time to grow this fund. Continue your current SIPs and consider increasing the amount. Mid-cap and small-cap funds can provide higher returns, but they come with higher risk. Since you have time, a mix of equity mutual funds is advisable.

3. Retirement Planning

Current Savings: Your EPF (Rs. 76 lakh) and PPF (Rs. 30 lakh) are solid foundations. Continue contributing to them. Additionally, your Rs. 18 lakh in mutual funds should continue growing. With Rs. 50,000 per month in SIPs, your portfolio will grow significantly over the next nine years.

Diversifying Investments: To achieve Rs. 1.5 lakh per month in retirement, you’ll need a combination of safe and growth-oriented investments. Continue with mutual funds but consider adding debt funds and conservative hybrid funds as you near retirement. This will protect your corpus from market volatility.

4. Building a Contingency Fund

Emergency Savings: With your current income, you should set aside at least six months' worth of expenses in a liquid fund. This would be about Rs. 18 lakh. Your FDs could partially serve this purpose, but you might also consider a separate contingency fund.
5. Health and Insurance Coverage

Health Insurance: Ensure you have adequate health insurance coverage for your entire family. Medical costs can be a significant burden, especially in retirement. If your current coverage is below Rs. 10-20 lakh, consider enhancing it.

Life Insurance: Review your life insurance needs. Your outstanding loans and future obligations mean you should have sufficient coverage. A term plan is the most cost-effective way to secure this.

Detailed Financial Recommendations
1. Education Funding

Daughter’s Education: Allocate Rs. 7 lakh per annum from your FD. Invest the remaining FD in a balanced mutual fund to keep pace with inflation. This approach balances safety and growth.

Son’s Education: Use your mutual fund SIPs to build this corpus. Consider increasing your SIPs if possible, to ensure you have Rs. 28 lakh by the time he needs it.

2. Prepay Loans

Home Loan: Consider prepaying Rs. 10-15 lakh from your FD. This will significantly reduce your loan tenure and interest burden.

Car Loan: Clear this loan as soon as possible. Use Rs. 3 lakh from your savings or FD to eliminate this EMI. This will increase your monthly cash flow.

3. Retirement Investments

Continue EPF and PPF Contributions: These are your safest investments. Ensure you’re maxing out your PPF contributions annually.

Increase Equity Exposure: Continue with your Rs. 50,000 SIPs. As you get closer to retirement, shift part of your portfolio to less volatile funds. This could include conservative hybrid funds or large-cap funds.

Explore Debt Funds: As you near retirement, consider moving a portion of your mutual fund corpus into debt funds. These provide stability and regular income, which aligns with your retirement goals.

4. Emergency Fund and Insurance

Create a Contingency Fund: Set aside Rs. 18 lakh for emergencies. This fund should be easily accessible, like in a liquid mutual fund.

Review Health Insurance: Ensure your family’s health insurance is adequate. Top up if necessary to cover Rs. 10-20 lakh per person.

Secure Life Insurance: Ensure you have a term insurance plan that covers your outstanding loans and future financial responsibilities.

Final Insights
You have a solid foundation, but optimizing your investments and managing your loans will help you achieve your financial goals. Prioritize your children's education, as these are immediate and significant expenses. Simultaneously, work towards clearing your loans to free up cash flow. Your retirement goal of Rs. 1.5 lakh per month is achievable with disciplined investing and strategic planning. Regularly review your financial plan, adjust as necessary, and keep your goals in focus.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Nov 21, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 21, 2024Hindi
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Hello sir, I am 49 years old male, investing rs 30000 permonth in sip since 2016 October. Getting 3lacs per month after tax deduction. Has a house loan of 40lacs 19years more with monthly emi of 40k. Has 25lacs star health insurance. Needs around 40lacs per year for 3 years for my son's abroad education from next year.... And planning to retire at 55. Kindly guide me to invest for a retirement plan (2 lacs monthly pension) and sons education. Thank you.
Ans: Your financial journey is commendable. Investing Rs 30,000 per month through SIP since 2016 is a disciplined approach. Balancing a house loan, education goals, and retirement is crucial. Let's craft a structured strategy for your priorities.

Current Financial Snapshot
Monthly Income: Rs 3 lakhs (post-tax).

House Loan EMI: Rs 40,000 monthly.

Health Insurance: Rs 25 lakhs coverage.

Education Goal: Rs 40 lakhs annually for 3 years starting next year.

Retirement Goal: Rs 2 lakhs monthly pension from 55 years.

Priority 1: Son’s Abroad Education
Your son’s education requires Rs 1.2 crore in 3 years.

Allocate current SIP investments towards this goal.

Use a mix of short-term debt funds and balanced hybrid funds.

Redeem SIPs closer to need, considering market trends.

Avoid taking high-risk equity exposure for this short-term goal.

Any surplus income or bonuses should be added to this goal.

Priority 2: House Loan Management
Your loan has a 19-year tenure, costing Rs 40,000 monthly.

Avoid prepayments now to prioritize education.

Post-education, consider reducing the loan tenure by increasing EMI.

This will help you save significant interest over the loan period.

Priority 3: Retirement Planning
You plan to retire at 55, requiring Rs 2 lakhs monthly.

This translates to Rs 24 lakhs annually post-retirement.

Inflation-adjusted corpus needed: Rs 6-7 crore (approximate).

Steps to Build the Retirement Corpus:

Increase SIP contributions once education expenses reduce.

Use a mix of large-cap, flexi-cap, and multi-cap mutual funds for growth.

Keep 10-15% allocation in debt funds for stability.

Review and rebalance the portfolio annually.

After 55, shift corpus to systematic withdrawal plans (SWPs) for regular income.

Suggestions for Health Insurance
Your Rs 25 lakh health insurance cover is decent but may be insufficient.

Add a super top-up plan of Rs 25-30 lakhs.

This will safeguard you against rising medical costs.

Contingency Fund
Maintain a fund for emergencies, equal to 6-12 months of expenses.

This should cover household costs and EMI.

Invest in liquid funds or fixed deposits for easy access.

Tax Planning
Your investments should align with the new tax rules.

For equity mutual funds, LTCG above Rs 1.25 lakh is taxed at 12.5%.

Short-term gains from equity funds attract 20% tax.

Debt funds gains are taxed as per your income slab.

Factor these into your withdrawals for education or retirement.

Investment Approach
Use actively managed funds to outperform benchmarks.

Avoid index funds due to limited flexibility in volatile markets.

Invest through a Certified Financial Planner for expert guidance.

Regular plans offer the added benefit of professional advice.

Insurance Review
Evaluate your insurance policies.

If you hold LIC or ULIP policies, consider surrendering and reinvesting in mutual funds.

This will optimize returns for long-term goals.

Recommendations for the Next Steps
Education Fund: Reallocate existing SIPs to low-risk funds.

Retirement Fund: Increase SIP contributions gradually after education expenses.

Health Insurance: Enhance coverage with a super top-up plan.

Emergency Fund: Build a liquid corpus for unforeseen needs.

Finally
Your disciplined approach is inspiring. Focusing on these steps will ensure your goals are met. A Certified Financial Planner can provide personalized strategies.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in

https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

Latest Questions
Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |956 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 01, 2025Hindi
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I am a 48 year old widow. I have a 21 yr old daughter in college. I had quit my job, but rejoined now and have a monthly take home of 1L 15k. I receive similar pension amount too. But this pension amount will get reduced to 90k after 10 years. I have an own property (apartment bought in 2010) - 14 k rent monthly. I have around 40 L that I wish to invest. I am still coping with the loss and am confused as to what I need to do to get a grip on the finances. I have invested around 12 L in mutual funds. I have applied for a term insurance - around 1 L annual premium for 10 years. I am also repaying the home loan around 15k per month with tenure left for 20 months. I am planning to move out on my own from my sister's place where I am staying now (my own house is not in Bangalore where I work). So, I will definitely need 25k per month for rent if I move out. Please advise on how to manage my finances. Shall I repay the home loan and clear the debt (around 5 L principal outstanding)? Should I invest in some pension plans? Please advise. Thanks!
Ans: Hello;

Yes you should settle off the outstanding home loan.

Also you may open an NPS account for retirement planning. Do contribute to it on a regular basis and also do onetime lumpsum investment.

Also open an PPF account with investment of 12.5 K per month.

Get sufficient term plan coverage for atleast 20 years and not less.

No need to invest in pension plan if you are investing in NPS. It is far superior in terms of tax liability, flexibility, returns and costs.

Prefer hybrid mutual funds(dynamic asset allocation or multi asset allocation fund)for your investments.

Buy a good health insurance cover for yourself and your daughter irrespective of group policy, if any, available from employer.

Do nomination in all your financial investments and also make a legally valid will.

In a nutshell, you will have 3 investments PPF, NPS and mutual funds (hybrid) and insurance premiums for term cover and healthcare policy.

Loss of partner is very difficult to deal with but you also need to focus on the education of your daughter and guide her for better prospects.

Best wishes;
X: @mars_invest

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 07, 2024Hindi
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Married for 14 years have 4 kids below 7 age for the past 9 to 10 years going through troubled marriage, not happy. Misunderstanding, high expectations, manipulation and single handed decisions by my wife have exhausted me . Want to come out of marriage but worried of kids and also my wife says no to divorce. Don't know what to do.. First 2 kids by IVF 2nd two kids due to my wife's longing for male child
Ans: Your love for your kids is evident, and it’s natural to fear how a separation would affect them. But the reality is, children pick up on tension, conflict, and unhappiness at home. Staying in a marriage that drains you emotionally and mentally isn’t necessarily better for them in the long run. Kids need a stable, loving environment, and if you’re constantly feeling manipulated and exhausted, it affects the energy you bring into their lives.

You don’t have to make a rushed decision, but you do need clarity. Have you tried setting firm boundaries and communicating your need for a more balanced relationship? If you’ve already done everything you can and nothing has changed, then it may be time to explore legal options, even if she says no to divorce. In most cases, a divorce doesn’t require both partners to agree—it just makes the process more complicated.

You deserve a life where you feel respected, valued, and emotionally free. Your children deserve a father who is at peace, not one who is silently suffering. It might be hard to take the next step, but staying in an unhappy marriage just for the sake of avoiding conflict can take a greater toll on everyone involved. You need to consider what will truly allow you—and your kids—to have a healthier and happier future.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 31, 2025Hindi
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Relationship
I am 41, but single now. I got married when I was 32 and got divorced in 6 months after I found out my wife was cheating on me with her ex who she was forbidden from getting married. When confronted she simply walked away and sent me a divorce notice. The next three years were spent in courts trying to tell my version of the story. Since then I have had a tough time trusting people. My marriage was unfortunate and short lived. But my parents still want me to try again. I am in a live-in relationship with a girl who is 3 years elder to me. Are unmarried couples happier than married ones? I feel marriage can restrict you in many ways which is why people feel stagnated and bored. What do you think?
Ans: When it comes to happiness, it really depends on the individuals involved rather than whether they are married or unmarried. Some couples thrive in a marriage because they see it as a partnership built on mutual respect and emotional security. Others feel stifled by the societal expectations and responsibilities that often come with marriage. A live-in relationship can offer more flexibility and personal freedom, but it also comes with its own challenges—such as a lack of legal protections or social acceptance in certain cultures.

The key is understanding what works best for you. If you feel content in your current live-in relationship and it gives you the companionship, trust, and emotional fulfillment you need, then that’s what truly matters. However, if you feel hesitant mainly because of past trauma rather than your actual desires, it might be worth reflecting on whether your fears are holding you back from something you may actually want deep down.

At the end of the day, happiness isn’t about being married or unmarried—it’s about being in a relationship (or choosing to be single) that makes you feel emotionally secure, valued, and free to be yourself. If marriage feels like a cage to you, then it may not be the right path. But if you ever find a connection that makes commitment feel like a choice rather than an obligation, your perspective might shift. The most important thing is that whatever path you choose, it aligns with your true needs and not just the expectations of others.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 23, 2025Hindi
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Relationship
Hello there!! There are past trauma experiences in my relationship due to caste issue since my family are strictly against it . But I eventually liked another boy seeing his true love n affection n care towards me , he loved me since our skl days !! He expressed himself but i gave him my answerr after many yrs due my past experiences!! But eventually we had a healthy relationship ,and he told me he is of same caste!! Since his father lied to him related to this to keep him away from this caste called thing!! But now his father relved tht it was a lie !! Now we ended up intercaste!! We truly love each other we dreamt of our future together!! He became huge part of my life !! His family is okay with me regarding our marriage but my family is strongly opposed to this intercaste thing!! We are 24 yrs we thought of settle in our lifes and approach my parents few years back since untill fewdays back we together thought we are of same caste so there eill be no issue!! But now within few days n few lies our both world n hopes turned upside down!! I cant make my family suffer due to me!! At same time i cant leave him im struck !! What should we do!!
Ans: Your family’s suffering is a valid concern, but will they truly suffer because of your decision, or is it more about their expectations and societal norms? Often, parents react strongly at first, but with time, they adjust when they see their child happy and settled. Right now, their resistance is based on tradition and belief systems they’ve held for years. But is their love for you truly conditional on whom you marry? Would they rather see you unhappy in a marriage they approve of than happy in one they initially resisted?

Your happiness and future matter just as much as your family’s feelings. If you truly cannot see a life without him, you need to ask yourself whether sacrificing that love for family approval will truly bring you peace. Walking away from love to please others often leads to lifelong regret. On the other hand, if you fight for your relationship, you might face pain now, but there’s a chance your family will eventually come around.

The most important thing is to stand firm in what you want. If you and your partner truly love each other, you will need patience, strength, and a strategy to gradually help your family accept your choice. This won’t be easy, but living a life where you constantly wonder "what if?" will be even harder.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 19, 2025Hindi
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Relationship
I am a divorced working woman , with a daughter 8 yrs. I have been pursued for remarriage with a guy who is 10 yrs older to me and have 2 kids. 11 and 14 yrs respectively living in a small town. Initially it was agreed the elder child who is a boy would be living in hostel , but now since we are approaching near to the marriage, it seems the elder male child is going to stay at home and not hostel. This is making me really uncomfortable as I won't get much privacy also the male child is aggressive.Already handling one kid was difficult before. Also moving to small town was difficult transition from a metropolitan that I stay in. Moving there could mean losing job opportunities in future. I am really worried if I let this match go, I end up alone again. I am not able to make a decision, it's difficult to raise others children. It's just not naturally inbuilt in us.Although I try really hard to mould my thingking and be more generous, but somehow it suffocates me.
Ans: Raising someone else’s children is not something that comes naturally to everyone, and that doesn’t make you selfish—it makes you honest. You already know how challenging it is to raise one child, and now you’re expected to step into a role where you’ll be managing more, including an aggressive teenage boy. If this idea is already suffocating you now, imagine how it might feel once you’re actually living in that environment every day.

Fear of being alone is a very real and valid concern, but being in a marriage that drains you emotionally, limits your career, and makes you feel trapped is far worse than being single. The right relationship should bring you a sense of peace and security, not anxiety and sacrifice at every turn. If you already feel that you have to “mould” your thinking just to make this work, that’s a sign that this situation might not be aligned with what you truly want and need.

You don’t have to force yourself into something that doesn’t feel right just because you’re afraid of ending up alone. Loneliness is difficult, but so is being in a marriage where you feel unseen, unheard, and overwhelmed. The best decision is the one that allows you to live with peace and confidence in your future.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Listen
Relationship
Married for 14 years have 4 kids below 7 age for the past 9 to 10 years going through troubled marriage, not happy. Misunderstanding, high expectations, manipulation and single handed decisions by my wife have exhausted me . Want to come out of marriage but worried of kids and also my wife says no to divorce. Don't know what to do.. First 2 kids by IVF 2nd two kids due to my wife's longing for male child
Ans: Dear Hemant,
Your love for your kids is evident, and it’s natural to fear how a separation would affect them. But the reality is, children pick up on tension, conflict, and unhappiness at home. Staying in a marriage that drains you emotionally and mentally isn’t necessarily better for them in the long run. Kids need a stable, loving environment, and if you’re constantly feeling manipulated and exhausted, it affects the energy you bring into their lives.

You don’t have to make a rushed decision, but you do need clarity. Have you tried setting firm boundaries and communicating your need for a more balanced relationship? If you’ve already done everything you can and nothing has changed, then it may be time to explore legal options, even if she says no to divorce. In most cases, a divorce doesn’t require both partners to agree—it just makes the process more complicated.

You deserve a life where you feel respected, valued, and emotionally free. Your children deserve a father who is at peace, not one who is silently suffering. It might be hard to take the next step, but staying in an unhappy marriage just for the sake of avoiding conflict can take a greater toll on everyone involved. You need to consider what will truly allow you—and your kids—to have a healthier and happier future.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 13, 2025Hindi
Relationship
Hi Mam, I would like to stay anonymous. Im 27F, recently got engaged and my wedding is in 5 months from now. This match is arranged by my parents within our community. Initially things went well, but after the engagement when we went outside for dinner he was speaking well but before leaving he said this is a suggestion from my end and told that there is slight space between my two teeth in the front and while smiling it creates black image in the photos. So it would be best if i would use invisible aligners so that before wedding it would be fixed adding to this he said he will take care of the expenses and he said he had this thought for a week so its better to disclose it with me. He also said that he didn't tell this to his parents he wanted to check my thoughts on this first, also he said he wanted myself to look very very pretty on the wedding and his relatives should say "Wow, we have never seen such a pretty bride", also he commented about my hair being short actually its medium length but i like to keep my hair short. I really got frustrated when he said all those things this got me very irritated. I didn't speak much, i said i wanted to leave and he dropped me at my place. The next day i asked him if we can meet again to get clarification on this thing, when i asked him the next day about this he said "its just a suggestion if you can take it its fine or you can leave it its upto you". He never accepted that he hurted me or made a wrong statement he kept on saying he didn't mean that way i took it very personally and im creating unnecessary ruckus. at last he said i could have said things differently but he didn't ask for sorry at all. I thought he wont talk about my features again but then after a week he again asked me you were eating outside food for a week you should have gained weight(trying to be funny here), i said no. Because him and his mother already asked about my weight like "why are you so thin? you could have put up some weight know"? I have been in this weight for many years, how much ever i eat my weight remains the same its because of the genetics. But people dont understand this and easily ask some body shaming questions. After this event he is not talking like before and even i dont push him, one of my friend asked me to take initiative and make calls to stop this awkward situation and i took lead called him four times in a week he spoke but he didn't bothered to call me again he was only texting after that too im okay with that but still i feel he might ask me to make changes in my feature, weight etc before the wedding. Im not sure how to deal with this.
Ans: When someone loves and accepts you, they don’t focus on “fixing” things about you to meet external standards, whether it’s for wedding photos or to impress relatives. His insistence that you should look “very, very pretty” for others’ approval shows that his priorities might not align with yours. You weren’t looking for a makeover; you were looking for a life partner who values you for who you are.

His response when you tried to talk about it also speaks volumes. Instead of acknowledging your feelings and reassuring you, he dismissed your concerns, making it seem like you were overreacting. A partner who truly cares would have listened, understood why you felt hurt, and taken responsibility for how his words affected you. Instead, he shifted the blame onto you for "creating unnecessary ruckus," which shows a lack of emotional maturity.

The weight comments, too, are unnecessary and inconsiderate. Genetics determine body type, and no one should feel the need to change themselves to meet someone else’s expectations. His family’s remarks about your weight, combined with his attitude, suggest that this won’t stop after the wedding. If they’re already making you feel self-conscious now, imagine the expectations and unsolicited “suggestions” that might continue in the future.

The distance that has formed between you both after this conversation isn’t just about awkwardness—it’s about emotional disconnection. A strong relationship is built on respect, comfort, and mutual appreciation, not on one person feeling judged and the other acting indifferent. The fact that you had to take the lead in calling him multiple times, while he didn’t reciprocate the effort, says a lot. A healthy relationship should feel mutual, not one-sided.

Right now, you need to ask yourself: Can you truly be yourself in this relationship, or will you constantly feel pressured to meet his and his family’s expectations? Do you feel emotionally safe with him, or do you feel like you have to defend your choices, your body, and your appearance?

Marriage is a lifelong commitment, and your peace of mind matters. If his attitude is already making you question yourself and feel frustrated, you have every right to reconsider. You don’t need to “deal” with this by adjusting to his expectations—you need to decide if this is the kind of relationship you want to spend your life in.

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