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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6978 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 23, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Shuthaakharan Question by Shuthaakharan on Dec 20, 2023Hindi
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Money

Good morning sir,I had two sons one son age is 26 he invest sip 3000 monthly who working software professional,his net salary 26000/his retirement age 55,I like 1lakh pension at the time, another my age is 63 I invest sip 9000 monthly already 4lakhs in my sip at the age of 70 what amount I get,my wife is govt employe her net salary 95000/she purchase gold this gold investment is good or suggest good one, please answer this

Ans: Good morning!

It's wonderful to hear that both you and your son are taking steps towards securing your financial futures. Let's break down each of your situations:

For your son, starting SIPs at a young age is a smart move. With his current investments and assuming a modest annual return, he has the potential to accumulate a significant corpus by his retirement at age 55. However, to achieve a pension of 1 lakh per month, he might need to increase his investments or diversify into other financial instruments.

As for you, with 4 lakhs already invested and an additional 7 years of SIPs, your corpus at age 70 will depend on the rate of return. It's essential to ensure that your investments align with your risk tolerance and financial goals for retirement.

Regarding your wife's investment in gold, while gold has traditionally been seen as a safe-haven asset, it's essential to diversify investments. Consider exploring other options like mutual funds, fixed deposits, or government savings schemes for a balanced portfolio.

Remember, financial planning is not a one-size-fits-all approach. It might be beneficial to consult a financial advisor who can provide personalized advice based on your individual circumstances. This journey towards financial well-being is a marathon, not a sprint, and every step taken today brings you closer to your goals.
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6978 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 12, 2024

Money
I am 45 years my name is U K Singh I have MF of 2000000 and SIP of 6500/ Month PPF Value 1500000 NPS Value 500000 by monthly contribution of 5K FD of 2000000 NSC of 1000000 My wife is also 45 years Her MF Value is of 500000 PPF Value 2100000 NPS Value 500000 by monthly contribution of 5K FD of 500000 3 Plots of 1 Cr My current monthly expenses are 30K. For my son’s medical education from 2029 to 2034 I will need money and for our retirement phase we will need money. Please suggest what we have to do
Ans: Your current investments are well-diversified across various instruments. These include mutual funds (MF), Public Provident Fund (PPF), National Pension System (NPS), Fixed Deposits (FD), and National Savings Certificates (NSC). Additionally, you have significant investments in real estate through plots.

You and your wife both have substantial PPF and NPS investments, which is a good strategy for long-term savings and tax benefits. Your monthly expenses are Rs. 30,000, and you will need funds for your son's medical education from 2029 to 2034 and for your retirement.


Your diversified portfolio shows a good understanding of risk management. The regular contributions to NPS and PPF are commendable as they offer long-term benefits. Your investment discipline is evident from your systematic investment plans (SIPs) and regular savings.

Understanding Your Goals
Let's break down your financial goals into two primary categories:

Funding Your Son's Medical Education (2029-2034)

Retirement Planning

Funding Your Son's Medical Education
Your son's education is a short to medium-term goal. To meet this goal, you need to ensure liquidity and safety of principal.

Recommendations:

Continue Your SIPs: Keep your SIPs in mutual funds going. These will help accumulate a significant corpus over time.

Allocate a Separate Fund for Education: Consider creating a separate investment portfolio for your son's education. You could increase your SIP amount or start a new SIP specifically for this goal.

Invest in Debt Funds: Given the shorter time frame, consider debt mutual funds. They offer better returns than FDs and are more tax-efficient.

Recurring Deposits (RDs): RDs can also be considered for medium-term goals. They are safe and offer guaranteed returns.

Partial Withdrawal from PPF: Since your PPF accounts have substantial balances, you can consider partial withdrawals when required. PPF allows withdrawals after the 7th year.

Retirement Planning
Retirement planning is a long-term goal, and you need to ensure a steady income post-retirement.

Recommendations:

Increase SIP Contributions: If possible, increase your SIP contributions. Equity mutual funds are suitable for long-term goals due to their potential for higher returns.

Balanced Funds: Consider balanced or hybrid funds. These invest in both equity and debt instruments, providing a balance of growth and safety.

Review NPS Contributions: Your NPS contributions are excellent for retirement planning. Ensure that you and your wife continue contributing Rs. 5,000 monthly.

Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP): Post-retirement, use SWP from your mutual funds for regular income. SWPs provide a steady income stream and are tax-efficient.

Health Insurance: Ensure you have adequate health insurance. Medical emergencies can significantly impact your savings.

Evaluation of Current Investments
Mutual Funds (MF):

Your MF investments are Rs. 2,000,000 and Rs. 500,000 respectively. Continue these investments and consider increasing your SIPs if possible.
PPF:

Your PPF values are Rs. 1,500,000 and Rs. 2,100,000. PPF is an excellent long-term investment. Avoid withdrawing unless necessary.
NPS:

Both you and your wife have Rs. 500,000 in NPS with monthly contributions of Rs. 5,000. This is a good strategy for retirement savings.
FDs and NSCs:

FDs (Rs. 2,000,000 and Rs. 500,000) and NSCs (Rs. 1,000,000) are safe but offer lower returns. Consider shifting a portion to higher-yielding instruments like debt mutual funds or balanced funds.
Real Estate:

Your three plots valued at Rs. 1 crore are a significant investment. Real estate is illiquid, so avoid relying on it for immediate needs.

We understand the importance of securing your son's future and ensuring a comfortable retirement. Your careful planning and disciplined approach are commendable. Balancing current expenses, future education costs, and retirement savings can be challenging. However, with a structured approach, you can achieve your goals.

Adjusting Your Portfolio
Increase Equity Exposure:

For long-term goals like retirement, increasing equity exposure is advisable. Equity has the potential for higher returns, which can significantly enhance your retirement corpus.
Debt Allocation:

For your son's education, focus more on debt instruments to ensure safety and liquidity. Debt mutual funds, RDs, and PPF withdrawals can be effective.
Emergency Fund:

Maintain an emergency fund equal to 6-12 months of your monthly expenses. This fund should be in liquid instruments like savings accounts or liquid mutual funds.
Regular Review and Rebalancing
It's crucial to regularly review your portfolio and make necessary adjustments. Market conditions, interest rates, and personal circumstances change over time. Regular reviews ensure that your investments remain aligned with your goals.

Rebalancing Strategy:

Review your asset allocation annually. If equity markets perform well, your equity allocation may exceed your target. In such cases, consider shifting some funds to debt instruments.
Avoiding Common Pitfalls
Avoid Over-Reliance on Fixed Deposits:

While FDs are safe, their returns are often lower than inflation. Over-reliance on FDs can erode your purchasing power over time.
Diversify Within Mutual Funds:

Don't concentrate all your mutual fund investments in one category. Diversify across large-cap, mid-cap, and multi-cap funds.
Avoid High-Cost Insurance Products:

Avoid insurance products with high premiums and low returns. Focus on pure term insurance for adequate coverage and invest the rest in mutual funds.
Tax Planning
Effective tax planning can enhance your returns. Utilize all available tax-saving instruments.

PPF and NPS:

Both PPF and NPS provide tax benefits under Section 80C and Section 80CCD respectively. Maximize these contributions for tax savings.
Mutual Funds:

Equity mutual funds held for more than one year qualify for long-term capital gains tax at 10% for gains exceeding Rs. 1 lakh.
Health Insurance:

Premiums paid for health insurance qualify for deductions under Section 80D.
Final Insights
Your disciplined approach to savings and investments is praiseworthy. By fine-tuning your portfolio and aligning it with your goals, you can ensure financial security for your family. Focus on increasing your equity exposure for long-term goals and maintaining liquidity for short-term needs. Regular reviews and rebalancing will keep your investments on track.

Planning for your son's education and your retirement simultaneously is challenging but achievable with a structured plan. Continue your disciplined investment approach, and you will be well-prepared for both.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6978 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 12, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 01, 2024Hindi
Money
Hello Sir, I am 45 yrs , 2 boy kids age 14 and 8 years and old age parents with me . I am working in sales and marketing Overseas West African market within the pharmaceuticals industry. I have my own home of 1500 sq feet gross value in Nagpur 75 lac . I have did mutual fund investment of 4 lac in December 2023 ( one time investment ) , regular SIP 30,000 per month from last 2 years and more planning to invest 30,0000 per month from July 2024 .I had taken TATA AIA Ulip plan 1.5 Lac per annum for 5 years (dec 2022 . finished 2 years ) . Present FD @ 7% 10 lac with HDFC Bank. Around purchase 14 lac in Gold bars . Planning to take the Term plan for age 85 years premium annual 1.75Lac pee annum for next 10 years for risk cover 2 Cr . Monthly LIC policy going on 80,000 per annum from 15 years . I am planning my retirement in the age of 55 years to take care 100+ personally for my kids , Please suggest more best financial plans
Ans: It's great to see your proactive approach towards planning your future. Let's delve into your financial situation and explore ways to optimize your investments to achieve your goals. Here’s a detailed analysis and some tailored advice for you:

Current Financial Position
Age: 45 years
Children: 2 boys (14 and 8 years)
Parents: Old age and dependent
Profession: Sales and Marketing in West Africa for the pharmaceutical industry
Home: Own house in Nagpur, 1500 sq. ft., valued at Rs 75 lakhs

Mutual Fund Investment: Rs 4 lakhs (one-time in Dec 2023), SIP of Rs 30,000/month for 2 years, and planning to increase SIP to Rs 30,000 from July 2024

ULIP Plan: TATA AIA, Rs 1.5 lakhs/year, started in Dec 2022 (completed 2 years)

Fixed Deposit: Rs 10 lakhs with HDFC Bank at 7%

Gold Investment: Rs 14 lakhs in gold bars

Insurance: Planning a term plan of Rs 2 crores, premium Rs 1.75 lakhs/year for the next 10 years

LIC Policy: Rs 80,000/year, ongoing for 15 years

Retirement Goal: Planning to retire at 55 to care for kids and parents

You’ve made significant strides in securing your family’s future with thoughtful investments. Your proactive steps towards retirement and your dedication to your family’s well-being are commendable.

Mutual Funds: An Overview
Mutual funds are a great way to grow your wealth over time. They offer diversification, professional management, and the power of compounding. Let's break down the categories and advantages:

Equity Funds: These invest in stocks and are ideal for long-term growth. They can be categorized into large-cap, mid-cap, small-cap, and sector funds.
Debt Funds: These invest in fixed income securities like bonds. They are less risky than equity funds and provide regular income.
Hybrid Funds: These combine both equity and debt investments to balance risk and return.
Advantages: Professional management, diversification, liquidity, and potential for higher returns compared to traditional savings methods.

Current Investments Analysis
Your current investments show a balanced approach, but there’s room for optimization:

Mutual Funds
Your mutual fund investments are on the right track. Increasing your SIP to Rs 30,000/month is a good move. Here’s why actively managed funds might be better:

Professional Management: Actively managed funds are handled by experts who aim to outperform the market.
Flexibility: They can adjust portfolios based on market conditions.
Potential for Higher Returns: Although not guaranteed, they have the potential to deliver better returns than index funds.
ULIP Plan
ULIPs often combine insurance and investment, which might not always be the best. They have high charges and often underperform compared to mutual funds. You might want to reconsider this investment.

Fixed Deposit
FDs are safe but offer lower returns compared to other options. With 7% interest, it's relatively decent but won't beat inflation in the long run. Consider diversifying into more growth-oriented investments.

Gold Investment
Gold is a good hedge against inflation and currency risk. However, it doesn't generate regular income. It should remain a small part of your overall portfolio.

Suggested Financial Plans
Increase SIP Investments
You are already planning to increase your SIP. Ensure you diversify across various types of funds:

Large Cap Funds: Stable and less volatile.
Mid Cap and Small Cap Funds: Higher risk but potentially higher returns.
Debt Funds: To balance risk and provide stability.
Flexi Cap Funds: Offer flexibility to invest across market caps.
Re-evaluate ULIP
Consider surrendering your ULIP after understanding the surrender charges and reinvesting the amount into mutual funds for better returns.

Optimize Fixed Deposits
Since FDs offer lower returns, consider reducing the amount in FDs and reallocating to debt mutual funds, which can offer better post-tax returns.

Term Insurance
Your plan for a term insurance of Rs 2 crores is a prudent decision. It provides a high cover at a low cost, ensuring your family's financial security.

LIC Policy
Traditional LIC policies often have lower returns compared to mutual funds. If possible, assess the surrender value and consider reinvesting in more efficient financial instruments.

Retirement Planning
You aim to retire at 55. Here are steps to ensure you achieve a comfortable retirement:

Retirement Corpus Calculation
Estimate your retirement expenses considering inflation. You’ll need a substantial corpus to generate the desired monthly income.

Diversified Portfolio
Maintain a balanced portfolio with a mix of equity, debt, and gold to ensure growth and stability.

Regular Review
Review your investments periodically with a Certified Financial Planner to stay on track.

Children's Education Planning
Your children’s education is a significant future expense. Start a dedicated investment plan:

Child Education Funds
Invest in equity mutual funds to build a corpus for their higher education.

Education Insurance Plans
These plans can be considered for their dual benefit of insurance and savings for education.

Contingency Fund
Maintain an emergency fund to cover at least 6-12 months of expenses. This ensures you are prepared for any unforeseen events.

Estate Planning
Plan for the distribution of your assets. Create a will to ensure your assets are passed on as per your wishes.

Final Insights
Your current financial strategy is commendable, but optimizing your investments can help achieve your goals more efficiently. Regularly review and adjust your plan with a Certified Financial Planner to stay aligned with your objectives.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6978 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Aug 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 27, 2024Hindi
Money
Hello Sir I am 46 year old. I have wife and 2 kids . Daughter is going for study at abroad, son is in 9 th . Following is my investment and loan . Home loan 25 L remaining emi 24 K , Car loan 3 L remaining emi 8 K. Investment 77 L FD , 18 L mutual fund ( 50 K per month) , epf 76 L , ppf 30 L, other gold/ shares 4 L and 3.4 L NSC post office. I earn 2 L per month and my wife 55 K . We require for daughter eduction 7 L per annum for next 6 years and son education after 4 year may be 7 L for 4 years. We want retirement at 55 with 1.5 L per month please suggest how to achieve this
Ans: You have a strong financial foundation. Your income, combined with your wife’s, is Rs. 2.55 lakh per month. You have a diversified investment portfolio, including fixed deposits, mutual funds, EPF, PPF, gold, shares, and NSC. Your loan obligations are Rs. 25 lakh on your home loan and Rs. 3 lakh on your car loan, with EMIs of Rs. 24,000 and Rs. 8,000, respectively.

Your daughter's education costs will be Rs. 7 lakh annually for the next six years. Your son's education will require Rs. 7 lakh annually starting in four years for a period of four years. Additionally, you plan to retire at 55, with a desired monthly income of Rs. 1.5 lakh.

Financial Goals
1. Funding Education Expenses

Your immediate priority is securing funds for your children's education. For your daughter, you need Rs. 42 lakh over six years. For your son, you need Rs. 28 lakh starting in four years. These goals are crucial and require a robust plan.

2. Retirement Planning

You wish to retire at 55, with a target of Rs. 1.5 lakh per month. With nine years to retirement, it's essential to align your investments to ensure this target is met.

3. Loan Repayment

Paying off your home and car loans will free up cash flow, which can be redirected to other investments.

Strategic Financial Planning
1. Optimizing Loan Repayment

Home Loan: You have Rs. 25 lakh remaining on your home loan. With an EMI of Rs. 24,000, the remaining tenure is likely long. Consider prepaying a portion of this loan. Prepayment will reduce the tenure and save interest. You could use a part of your FD to do this. This action will free up Rs. 24,000 per month in the future.

Car Loan: The outstanding amount is Rs. 3 lakh with an EMI of Rs. 8,000. Given the smaller loan size, it’s advisable to pay this off early. You could use your savings or FD for this. This will free up Rs. 8,000 per month.

2. Investment Strategy for Education

Daughter’s Education: Rs. 7 lakh per annum for six years will need Rs. 42 lakh. You already have Rs. 77 lakh in FD, which is a safe option. However, considering inflation, it’s wise to ensure that these funds are not only secure but also growing. You might want to move some of these funds into a balanced mutual fund or a debt mutual fund. This will offer a better return than FD while still being relatively low-risk.

Son’s Education: Rs. 7 lakh per annum for four years, starting in four years, will require Rs. 28 lakh. You have time to grow this fund. Continue your current SIPs and consider increasing the amount. Mid-cap and small-cap funds can provide higher returns, but they come with higher risk. Since you have time, a mix of equity mutual funds is advisable.

3. Retirement Planning

Current Savings: Your EPF (Rs. 76 lakh) and PPF (Rs. 30 lakh) are solid foundations. Continue contributing to them. Additionally, your Rs. 18 lakh in mutual funds should continue growing. With Rs. 50,000 per month in SIPs, your portfolio will grow significantly over the next nine years.

Diversifying Investments: To achieve Rs. 1.5 lakh per month in retirement, you’ll need a combination of safe and growth-oriented investments. Continue with mutual funds but consider adding debt funds and conservative hybrid funds as you near retirement. This will protect your corpus from market volatility.

4. Building a Contingency Fund

Emergency Savings: With your current income, you should set aside at least six months' worth of expenses in a liquid fund. This would be about Rs. 18 lakh. Your FDs could partially serve this purpose, but you might also consider a separate contingency fund.
5. Health and Insurance Coverage

Health Insurance: Ensure you have adequate health insurance coverage for your entire family. Medical costs can be a significant burden, especially in retirement. If your current coverage is below Rs. 10-20 lakh, consider enhancing it.

Life Insurance: Review your life insurance needs. Your outstanding loans and future obligations mean you should have sufficient coverage. A term plan is the most cost-effective way to secure this.

Detailed Financial Recommendations
1. Education Funding

Daughter’s Education: Allocate Rs. 7 lakh per annum from your FD. Invest the remaining FD in a balanced mutual fund to keep pace with inflation. This approach balances safety and growth.

Son’s Education: Use your mutual fund SIPs to build this corpus. Consider increasing your SIPs if possible, to ensure you have Rs. 28 lakh by the time he needs it.

2. Prepay Loans

Home Loan: Consider prepaying Rs. 10-15 lakh from your FD. This will significantly reduce your loan tenure and interest burden.

Car Loan: Clear this loan as soon as possible. Use Rs. 3 lakh from your savings or FD to eliminate this EMI. This will increase your monthly cash flow.

3. Retirement Investments

Continue EPF and PPF Contributions: These are your safest investments. Ensure you’re maxing out your PPF contributions annually.

Increase Equity Exposure: Continue with your Rs. 50,000 SIPs. As you get closer to retirement, shift part of your portfolio to less volatile funds. This could include conservative hybrid funds or large-cap funds.

Explore Debt Funds: As you near retirement, consider moving a portion of your mutual fund corpus into debt funds. These provide stability and regular income, which aligns with your retirement goals.

4. Emergency Fund and Insurance

Create a Contingency Fund: Set aside Rs. 18 lakh for emergencies. This fund should be easily accessible, like in a liquid mutual fund.

Review Health Insurance: Ensure your family’s health insurance is adequate. Top up if necessary to cover Rs. 10-20 lakh per person.

Secure Life Insurance: Ensure you have a term insurance plan that covers your outstanding loans and future financial responsibilities.

Final Insights
You have a solid foundation, but optimizing your investments and managing your loans will help you achieve your financial goals. Prioritize your children's education, as these are immediate and significant expenses. Simultaneously, work towards clearing your loans to free up cash flow. Your retirement goal of Rs. 1.5 lakh per month is achievable with disciplined investing and strategic planning. Regularly review your financial plan, adjust as necessary, and keep your goals in focus.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |397 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 06, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 03, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Me and my bf are resident docters in a hospital .We hardly had time with each other ,but always supported each other in difficult times.Through fights ,breakups ,patch ups ,we were there all in these 3 years .He has always been more career oriented , hardly expressed any feelings on his own for me ,he only expressed or said i love when i asked him too .Now i m in my last year of md exams ,he got selected in aiims delhi dm since he was senior to me .Now he hardly communicates with me ,like in 48 h ,all we do is talk for 2 min ,where he hardly says anything ,sometimes he talks is about work.I have asked him multiple times if anything wrong i did ,he has kept on saying he is busy ,he says atleast i call u ,i hardly have time for anyone.He says all he sees now is his work ,patients and career . I have always adjusted according to him ,now it is becoming difficult to adjust .I cant take the trauma of leaving him ,because i have very important exams in 4 months .He was my only bestfriend ,my guide ,my love .He has been changed person .But i m studying and working almost 20 hrs , how to cope up ,i m all alone in this melodrama ,sometimes i wish i was dead
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Your feelings are valid. It is indeed difficult to adjust to an unexpressive partner. One out of two things can be happening here- one, he does not know how to express his emotions; that is who he is fundamentally. Two, the work pressure and hectic hours have made him detached. You can try having an open conversation with him about it and let him know that you are not being able to carry on like this. Communicate your concerns and how his attitude toward you has affected your mental health. That is the only way to move forward. After the conversation either of two things will happen- it will be a wake-up call for him and things will change for the better. Or, he will continue to behave the same way and you have to rethink the relationship. My suggestion is to have the talk after your exams. I know you think he is your everything, but you are your everything. Do not let this relationship waste the years of hard work you have put into your studies. Focus on yourself and trust me when I say this- value yourself the way you want others to value you. If you don't, why would anyone else?

I hope this helps. Best Wishes.

...Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1274 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 06, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 31, 2024
Relationship
I am married for last 3 years. I found out about my wife's sexual past just months into our marriage. I even enquired her about her past before our marriage and told her that I don't tolerate lies and don't believe in premarital sex but she still lied to me and deceived into a fraud marriage. So I started sleeping with prostitutes and call girls as a revenge. I even had an affair with a divorced woman but that didn't last long. I know I didn't do anything wrong. She is the one is in the wrong. She deceived me into a fraud marriage. Should I forgive her and live with her?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
instead of dealing with the problem at hand, you decided to go and create more problems?
What prevented you from actually talking to your wife. If you felt cheated, was it not possible for you to channel the anger by having a conversation with her about it? Revenge never helped anyone, but well...
Now, by blaming her, what can happen is that she will defend and you will again accuse and this will go on...
So, yes you are feeling cheated and deceived by her. You have two ways of approaching it. rebuild your marriage and start with a clean slate which means she cannot keep secrets with you anymore OR you can build more anger which is bound to destroy the marriage. I would suggest the first option where you get a fair chance to express how you feel to her and also come clean with your revenge scene with her...this may help both of you put things aside and rebuild the connection. Give this a fair shot!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1274 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 06, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 05, 2024Hindi
Relationship
Hello, I am a 42 year old woman with a 14 year old boy and a 12 year old girl. Ours was an arranged marriage. I got married at age 23 and my husband is just 2 years older to me. Right from the beginning my husband is great at cooking, household chores etc but never expresses romance openly. I was always a emotional woman who slowly turned to him and stopped expressing my needs well. So far out marriage was great cos I avoided confrontations and arguments. Only thing was he was always a critical person and I am emotional girl . Since I cld not express myself clearly as he never heard me, my communication with him sounded nagging, comparing and complaining. In 2011, he cheated on me and I learnt on his affair. I did not know how to process this phase so immediately forgave him within 2-3 days and even ended up being pregnant with my daughter. However he never used to speak on his past affair not were my feelings resolved. Whenever he would speak rudely or yelled at kids or me for little things, the past trauma would trigger and I would openly remind him of his grave mistake. This went on and he would get agitated and keep quiet. One day he did tell me that lifelong he needs to live with this past of me reminding him. But he has never understood the trauma I have gone through. I have just repressed it all along. Cut short 2024- there is lots of resentment with us. In 2022, I saw messages that he exchanged with another lady colleague on romantic songs , good morning messages and they would casually meet for lunch etc . This time I flew in rage and assumed he has cheated on me again. Told him first time I was a fool who didn't notice things right under my nose and now this is the latest. We had a big fight. I reminded him of his dirty past. At first he looked shocked from these allegations and told me he will clarify everything later. But next day in 2022 , when I asked him, he appeared to be a changed man and sounded more confident that he didn't do anything wrong. I pestered him to take me to office, we went to his office I met this lady and politely told her to stop sending good morning messages to my husband. I indirectly told her I have trust issues because of a past but did not elaborate. My husband who had taken me to the office , later was annoyed because apparently the woman colleague was annoyed about me coming to office and also mentioned about my trust issues. At this point this great husband spilt out to her that he had cheated on me. I never ever disclosed anything to her. Later he messaged me saying he was very annoyed and upset that I disclosed the dirty past to his colleague and if anything happens to his job he will never forgive me. I did tell him I never disclosed but he did not belive me. From 2022 until now we are almost in a silent divorce phase. We sleep in different bedroom and only communicate basic stuff on milk, curd , veggies etc He had never connected to me emotionally and would always get annoyed when I wld cry or show my frustrations. Now after all this he has literally cut me off emotionally. In this period from 2022-till now I did try to get back to normal but his vibes are very negative and disconnected. So even I too started distancing myself. During 2022, after the incident he had mentioned on how it is important to work, ve independent and how he favours open relationships ( non sexually). I was always working but earned lesser and used to depend on him a lot. Now I have changed in these 2 years, I have a better job and am not at all dependent on him emotionally, physically or mentally. Infact I pitch in to our household expenses.Our lives are totally disconnected and we there just for the kids. He cooks for all of us, I take care of remaining chores and help them in their studies . We don't attend family events and this has left many guessing on our status. I have lot of unresolved emotions and since he cannot process my emotions or least interested to hear me out I don't know when I will explode. I am just repressing my feelings and keeping a happy cheerful face for the family and kids. We even went for a vacation for kids sake where we just interacted with kids. Kids know things are not allright and pray for us together. I know this isn't healthy for me and I will invite psychosomatic issues in life later on. I am still attached to him and maybe once he expresses a sorry or a remorse and have a hope we can fall back in love again. Why can he never understand that emotional trauma that I have gone through Inspite of being loyal to him always. For once if he just uses kind words and apologises I will forever love him and forget everything.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Your husband perhaps is someone who is not great at conflict management; he finds it easier to avoid it and avoidance can mean that he hopes that it will go away or that you will stop talking about it or that he can find ways of actually pinning the blame on you for the way that he is feeling.
So, you will come across as nagging and may also feel guilty for asking him to listen to the way that you feel about the past incident. This is classic avoidance response from him that will make you wonder of you are actually wrong and at some point you may even start justifying his actions.
Repression is temporary; eventually all the emotions will collect themselves and hit back when you least expect it. If you want him to hear you and the way you have felt about his cheating, he will again get pushed into an avoidance mode. He has not learned any other way of handling conflicts. So, either you can go to couples counseling together OR you accept this side of him. Sounds too much to do, yeah? But how can you change a person who does not want to change. Some people also cannot express their love the way you have mentioned.
Since you still love him, I can only assume that the marriage holds a lot of significance for you. Then you can be happy only when he changes OR you accept him... which one seems more doable, start with that first...who knows if an external person like an expert can actually guide the two of you, things may fall in place!
I would also suggest requesting him for an honest chat where he is also in a space to LISTEN to you...try...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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