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Sanjeev

Sanjeev Govila  | Answer  |Ask -

Financial Planner - Answered on Apr 02, 2024

Colonel Sanjeev Govila (retd) is the founder of Hum Fauji Initiatives, a financial planning company dedicated to the armed forces personnel and their families.
He has over 12 years of experience in financial planning and is a SEBI certified registered investment advisor; he is also accredited with AMFI and IRDA.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Mar 24, 2024Hindi
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My husband is 50 and I am 47. We have a combined income of 10 lakhs per month. Our kids are 17 and 14 yet to go to college. What should be our monthly savings? How should we diversify our funds? What is the retirement corpus we should have assuming that our present monthly expense is one lakh/ month on groceries, transport, school fees, travel, salaries etc

Ans: Dear Ma'am,

Without detailed financial information such as current investments and loans, I cannot provide an exact monthly investment figure for your retirement needs.

Assuming retirement in 10 years from now after children's education and other goals have finished or been catered for, you should aim to accumulate a corpus of at least Rs 4-5 crores. To achieve this, invest 2-3 lakhs monthly in SIPs. However, in the absence of all other data, this is a very rough figure.

Regularly review and adjust investments to stay on track towards your retirement goals. Consulting a financial advisor for personalized guidance based on your specific financial situation is recommended.
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Moneywize

Moneywize   |174 Answers  |Ask -

Financial Planner - Answered on Apr 30, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 18, 2024Hindi
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I have Rs 1.2 crore in my bank account. My wife earns Rs 80,000 per month and I earn Rs 2 lakh per month. We have three children – two daughters and one son – who will need approximately 10 to 15 lakh each for their higher studies 7 to 12 years from now. How shall I go about meeting my children’s education goal and also plan for my retirement. My wife and I have about 15 and 7 years for our retirement.
Ans: It's great that you're thinking ahead for your children's education and your retirement! Here's a suggested plan to meet your goals:

1. Children's Education Fund:

• Since you have 7 to 12 years for your children's higher education, you can invest in relatively aggressive investment options like mutual funds or diversified equity funds. These have the potential to offer higher returns over the long term.
• Allocate a portion of your savings every month towards this goal. Considering inflation and assuming an average annual return of 10%, you would need to invest roughly Rs 20,000 to Rs 25,000 per month to accumulate the desired amount for each child's education.

2. Retirement Planning:

• Since you and your wife have 15 and 7 years left for retirement respectively, you'll want to focus on building a retirement corpus.
• Consider investing in a mix of equity and debt instruments to balance risk and returns. You can invest in mutual funds, provident funds, and Public Provident Fund (PPF) for a balanced portfolio.
• Aim to save at least 15-20% of your combined monthly income for retirement. Considering your current earnings, you can aim to save around Rs 50,000 to Rs 60,000 per month for retirement.

3. Asset Allocation:

Since you have a relatively long investment horizon for both goals, you can afford to have a higher allocation towards equities for potentially higher returns. As you approach your retirement age, gradually shift towards more conservative investment options to preserve capital.

4. Emergency Fund:

Make sure to maintain an emergency fund equivalent to 3-6 months of your combined living expenses. This fund should be readily accessible in case of unexpected expenses or emergencies.

5. Regular Review:

Regularly review your investment portfolio and make adjustments as needed based on changes in your financial situation, market conditions, and investment goals.

6. Professional Advice:

Consider consulting with a financial advisor to tailor a plan specific to your financial goals, risk tolerance, and investment preferences.

By following this plan diligently and investing consistently over the years, you should be well-prepared to meet your children's education expenses and enjoy a comfortable retirement.

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7435 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 26, 2024

Money
We are family of 3 my husband 43 years myself 40 years my daughter 10 years .no loans monthly earnings approx 4 lakhs . We plan to retire at 55 years . Monthly expenses approx 1 lakh what should be our retirement fund considering my daughter education also .
Ans: No loans and a good monthly income of Rs 4 lakhs is a great foundation. Managing monthly expenses of Rs 1 lakh also shows disciplined financial habits.

Setting Retirement Goals
You aim to retire at 55, which is in 15 years. It’s crucial to assess your financial goals, including your daughter’s education and lifestyle after retirement.

Estimating Post-Retirement Expenses
After retirement, your expenses may change. While some expenses like commuting will reduce, healthcare and leisure might increase. Assume monthly expenses of Rs 1 lakh now. Post-retirement, adjusting for inflation, this could be around Rs 2.4 lakhs per month.

Accounting for Inflation
Inflation significantly impacts long-term financial planning. Assuming an average inflation rate of 6%, your current Rs 1 lakh monthly expense will need to grow to cover higher costs in the future.

Daughter’s Education Fund
Higher education costs are rising. Let’s estimate a fund for your daughter’s college education, considering current and future costs. A reputed Indian college might cost around Rs 25-30 lakhs today, which will likely increase over the next 8 years.

Building a Retirement Corpus
Given your retirement timeline, you need to build a significant corpus. This will support your lifestyle and healthcare needs. Your current earnings give you a solid base to start with.

Investment Strategy
Diversified Portfolio
Investing in a diversified portfolio is key. Consider equity, debt, and hybrid funds. Equities can offer higher returns, while debt provides stability. Hybrid funds balance the two.

Actively Managed Funds
Actively managed funds often outperform index funds in the long run. Professional fund managers adjust the portfolio based on market conditions, potentially offering better returns.

Regular Mutual Funds Through CFPs
Regular mutual funds, managed by a certified financial planner (CFP), can be advantageous. CFPs provide professional advice, helping you navigate market complexities and optimize returns.

Emergency Fund
Maintain an emergency fund. It’s essential for unexpected expenses. Aim for 6-12 months’ worth of expenses in a liquid, easily accessible form.

Insurance Coverage
Ensure adequate health and life insurance. Health insurance is critical, especially as you age. Life insurance protects your family’s financial future. Avoid investment-cum-insurance policies; pure insurance products are better.

Surrendering Unproductive Policies
If you hold LIC, ULIP, or investment-cum-insurance policies, consider surrendering them. Reinvest the proceeds into mutual funds. These policies often have high charges and low returns.

Tax Planning
Efficient tax planning can save money. Utilize tax-saving instruments under Section 80C, 80D, and others. Mutual funds like ELSS can help save tax while providing good returns.

Monitoring and Reviewing
Regularly monitor and review your investments. Financial goals and market conditions change. Adjust your portfolio as needed, ideally with the help of a CFP.

Early Retirement Considerations
Retiring early at 55 means your corpus needs to last longer. Plan for at least 30 years post-retirement. This requires a careful balance of growth and safety in your investments.

Role of Certified Financial Planners
CFPs offer expertise in creating a holistic financial plan. They help in choosing the right investments, optimizing returns, and ensuring your goals are met efficiently.

Benefits of Actively Managed Funds
Actively managed funds adapt to market changes. Skilled managers can capitalize on opportunities and mitigate risks better than passive index funds. They also offer personalized investment strategies.

Addressing Direct Fund Disadvantages
Direct funds require individual management. They lack professional guidance, which can lead to suboptimal decisions. Investing through a CFP ensures professional management and better alignment with your goals.

Contingency Planning
Always have a contingency plan. Unexpected events can derail your financial plans. A solid contingency fund and insurance coverage provide a safety net.

Education Planning
For your daughter’s education, consider child-specific mutual funds. These funds are tailored to meet educational expenses, providing both growth and safety.

Retirement Lifestyle
Visualize your retirement lifestyle. Consider hobbies, travel, and other activities you wish to pursue. Budget for these, ensuring you have enough funds to enjoy your retirement fully.

Final Insights
Planning for retirement is a multifaceted process. It requires a balanced approach, considering various aspects like inflation, education, and lifestyle. Engaging with a certified financial planner can significantly enhance your financial journey, ensuring you meet your retirement goals comfortably.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7435 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 11, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 26, 2024Hindi
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Hi, My age is 32 now unmarried. Am earning around 2.5 lakhs per month. I have 50K home loan and my monthly expenses come around 30K. I have 2 lakhs Fixed deposit , 7 lakhs in PPF ,3 lakhs in NPS and 2 lakhs invested in stock market. Please guide me how much we need for retirement and child's education in future and how to invest for the same from now on.
Ans: It’s great to see you planning your financial future early. Let’s break down your current financial status and develop a strategy to secure your retirement and future child’s education.

Understanding Your Current Financial Status
Income and Expenses

Monthly income: Rs. 2.5 lakhs
Monthly expenses: Rs. 30,000
Home loan: Rs. 50,000
Current Investments

Fixed deposit: Rs. 2 lakhs
PPF: Rs. 7 lakhs
NPS: Rs. 3 lakhs
Stock market: Rs. 2 lakhs
Your financial discipline and savings are commendable. Let's build on this to achieve your goals.

Estimating Future Needs
Retirement Corpus
Estimating your retirement needs depends on various factors like current lifestyle, inflation, and expected rate of return on investments. As a rule of thumb, you should aim to build a retirement corpus that is 20-25 times your annual expenses at retirement. This ensures you can maintain your lifestyle post-retirement without financial worries.

Child’s Education Fund
Higher education costs are rising rapidly. It's wise to plan early to ensure your child gets the best education possible. Depending on the course and country, the cost can vary significantly. However, planning for at least Rs. 50 lakhs to Rs. 1 crore for higher education is a good start.

Investment Strategies for Financial Goals
Diversifying Investments
Mutual Funds

Mutual funds are an excellent choice for long-term investments due to their potential for high returns and the power of compounding. They also offer diversification, reducing risk.

Equity Funds: Suitable for long-term goals like retirement and child’s education. These funds invest in stocks, which have the potential for high returns.

Debt Funds: These are less risky than equity funds and are good for medium-term goals. They invest in fixed-income securities.

Hybrid Funds: A mix of equity and debt funds, providing a balance between risk and return.

Systematic Investment Plan (SIP)

Investing through SIPs is a smart way to invest in mutual funds. It allows you to invest a fixed amount regularly, ensuring discipline and averaging out the investment cost.

Power of Compounding

The longer you stay invested, the greater the power of compounding. Your money earns returns, and these returns also earn returns, leading to exponential growth over time.

Public Provident Fund (PPF)
PPF is a safe and reliable investment with tax benefits. It offers decent returns and should be a part of your retirement planning. Continue your contributions to PPF for steady, risk-free growth.

National Pension System (NPS)
NPS is a great retirement-focused investment with tax benefits. It offers a mix of equity, corporate bonds, and government securities. Continue your contributions to NPS for a well-rounded retirement corpus.

Setting Up a Financial Plan
Monthly Budget Allocation
Allocate your monthly income wisely to cover expenses, loan repayment, and investments.

Expenses: Rs. 30,000
Home loan: Rs. 50,000
Investments: Rs. 1.7 lakhs
Emergency Fund
Maintain an emergency fund equivalent to 6-12 months of expenses. This ensures financial stability during unforeseen events. Your current fixed deposit can serve as part of this emergency fund.

Investment Allocation
Short-Term Goals (1-3 years)

Emergency fund
Fixed deposits
Short-term debt funds
Medium-Term Goals (3-5 years)

Debt funds
Hybrid funds
Long-Term Goals (5+ years)

Equity mutual funds
PPF
NPS
Regular Review and Adjustment
Review your financial plan regularly and adjust based on changes in income, expenses, or goals. Stay updated on market trends and adjust your investment strategy accordingly.

Risk Management
Insurance

Ensure you have adequate health and life insurance to protect against unforeseen events. This is crucial for safeguarding your financial future.

Benefits of Actively Managed Funds
Actively managed funds have professional fund managers making investment decisions to maximize returns. They can potentially outperform index funds, especially in volatile markets. Regularly monitor fund performance and switch if necessary.

Final Insights
Planning for retirement and child’s education requires a disciplined approach. Diversify your investments, utilize the power of compounding, and regularly review your plan. By starting early and staying committed, you can achieve your financial goals comfortably.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Latest Questions
Dr Nagarajan Jsk

Dr Nagarajan Jsk   |197 Answers  |Ask -

NEET, Medical, Pharmacy Careers - Answered on Jan 04, 2025

Career
RESPECTED SIR I APPEARED CLASS 12 BOARD IN 2024 BUT I FAIL AND NOW I APPEARING IN FEBRUARY 2025 AGAIN CAN I GIVE NEET 2025 BECAUSE I WANTED TO BE DOCTOR I HAVE DREAM TO BECOME DOCTOR SINCE CLASS 4 I AM AVERAGE STUDENT
Ans: Hi Jaimin,
Greetings.




The answer which i have given below is based on last year.
ANSWER 1: If you want to pursue medicine in ARMED FORCES MEDICAL COLLEGE (AFMC), PUNE, (Information brochure Admission to MBBS course-2024, PAGE NO. 6)

GENERAL 6. A candidate seeking admission to the MBBS Course in AFMC is eligible if he / she fulfils the following criteria: - (a) The candidate should be a citizen of India. Foreign nationals of Indian origin may be admitted into AFMC only after they have acquired Indian Citizenship or in respect of whom the Ministry of Home Affairs issues a certificate of eligibility. This however does not apply to the 05 Govt Sponsored Candidates from Friendly Foreign Countries. (b) Must be unmarried. Marriage during the course is not permitted. (c) Should be medically fit as per prescribed standards by the Govt of India, Ministry of Defence (see Appendix ‘A’). (d) Age criteria: The candidate should have attained the age of 17 years at the time of admission or should be completing that age on or before 31 Dec of the year of admission of the first year of MBBS course but must not have attained the age of 24 years on that date, i.e., must have been born not earlier than 01 January 2001 and not later than 31 December 2007. Academic Qualifications 7. Candidates must have passed one of the qualifying examinations listed at sub-para (a) to (j) below in the FIRST ATTEMPT with English, Physics, Chemistry and Biology/ Bio-technology taken simultaneously and securing not less than 60% of the aggregate marks in these three science subjects taken together and not less than 50% marks in English and 50% marks in each of the science subjects. They must have also passed an examination in Mathematics of the tenth standard. The examinations are: - (a) The Higher Secondary (10+2) or equivalent examination in science of a statutory Indian University/board or other recognized examination body with English, Physics, Chemistry & Biology/ Bio-technology which shall include practical test in all of these science subjects. (b) The Pre-professional/Pre-Medical examination with English, Physics, Chemistry and Biology/ Bio-technology (after passing either Higher Secondary School examination or pre- University or equivalent examination) which shall include practical test in these science subjects. (c) 1st year of three years Degree course of a recognized University with English, Physics, Chemistry, and Biology/ Bio-technology including practical test in science subjects provided the examination is a University Examination.

SO TO GET ADMISSION IN AFMC - 17 YEARS, FIRST ATTEMPT IN HSC, 60% AGGREGATE AND NOT LESS THAN 50% IN ENGLISH AND SCIENCE SUBJECTS.

ACCORDING TO AIIMS:
ELIGIBILITY
For Indian nationals:
An applicant is eligible for admission to the competitive Entrance Examination of the Institute if the following criteria are met with:-
Nationality: He/She is an Indian citizen
Age: He/She has attained or will attain the age of seventeen (17) years as
on the 31st of December of the year of admission. Candidates attaining seventeen   years on 1st January 2001 or later will not be eligible to appear at  the   competitive entrance examination.
Essential
Qualification:   He/She should have passed the12th Class under the 10+2 Scheme /Senior SchoolCertificate Examination or  an equivalent examination of a recognized Board of  any Indian State with ENGLISH and Medical Group of  subjects, namely   PHYSICS, CHEMISTRY (Organic and Inorganic) and BIOLOGY  (Botany and  Zoology) :
                                              OR    
The Intermediate Science (I.Sc.) or an equivalent examination of a recognized Indian university or a  recognized Board of Education of any Indian State with ENGLISH and the Medical Group of Subjects,  namely PHYSICS, CHEMISTRY (Organic and Inorganic) and BIOLOGY (Botany and Zoology):
                                               OR
Pre-Medical or Pre-Professional examination of the integrate M.B.B.S. course with ENGLISH, PHYSICS,  CHEMISTRY (Organic and Inorganic) and BIOLOGY  (Botany and Zoology); after having passed either the  higher Secondary School Examination o Pre-University Examination, or an equivalent Examination;
                                                 OR
The 1st year examination of the 3-year B.Sc degree course with ENGLISH,  PHYSICS, CHEMISTRY (Organic and Zoology) after passing the Higher Secondary or Pre-University Examination.
OR
Any other examination with the required subjects which in scope and
standard(including its courses and  syllabus) is considered by the institute to be equivalent to Pre-medical/Intermediate Science examination of an Indian University.
Minimum
Aggregate  : He/She should have obtained a minimum of SIXTY PERCENT (60%) marks in aggregate in the 4   compulsory subjects of ENGLISH, PHYSICS, CHEMISTRY (Organic and Inorganic) and BIOLOGY (Botany and Zoology).

FROM PRIVATE COLLEGE: MBBS Course (200 Seats)
Candidates who are citizens of India, NRIs, PIOs, OCIs and foreign nationals are eligible to take NEET.
Qualifying Exam: 10+2 or equivalent with Physics, Chemistry, Biology/Biotechnology and English as core subject in both Classes 11 and 12 from a recognised board.
Minimum Age Requirement: 17 years as on December 31 of the year of admission
Maximum Age Limit: No upper age limit
Qualifying Marks: UR - 50%, OBC/SC/ST - 40%, PWD - 45% (minimum aggregate marks only for PCB subjects)
Maximum Attempts: No limit on the permitted number of attempts.
Nationality:Indian Nationals, NRIs, OCIs, PIOs & Foreign Nationals


Based on the details provided, you are eligible to pursue a medicine course in India, even though you have failed your HSC. Once you clear your +2 exams and achieve the necessary marks to gain admission through NEET, you can apply. However, to gain admission to AIIMS, you must have an aggregate score of 60%. Unfortunately, you are not eligible for admission to AFMC. Therefore, you can consider other options besides AFMC to pursue your studies in medicine.
ALL THE BEST.

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Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |830 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Jan 04, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 03, 2025Hindi
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Personal Status Current Age - 35Y Male Profession - Embedded Engineer Disposal Income - 1.6L/Month Monthly Expense - 50K/Month Yearly Onetime Expenses - 3L/Year (School Fee, Premiums, Personal) Annual Disposal Income - 19,20,000 Annual Expenses - 9,00,000 Financial Status (1) Term Insurance - 1Cr (2) Health Insurance (1) Company Insurance - 3L (MySelf, Spouse, 2 Kids, Father and Mother) (2) Personal Insurance - 25L (Star Health Assure Floater Policy - MySelf, Spouse, 2 Kids) (3) Emergency Fund - 5L in Debt Fund (ICICI All Season Bond) Current Asset Allocation: (1) Real Estate - 46% (2) Equity - 20% (3) Gold - 11% (4) Debt - 9% (5) Retirement - 16% Investment Plan: (1) Debt - 25% (2) PPFAS Flexi Cap MF - 20% (3) Axis Mid Cap MF - 17% (4) Quant HealthCare MF - 9% (5) Tata Digital MF - 6% (6) Global Fund - 5% (7) UTI Nifty 50 Index - 10% (8) Stocks - 8% Other Investment (Retirement Plan): SSY - 1.5L/Year PF - 2.5L/Year Investment duration: Next 15Years Can you please guide me in the following questions (1) The Allocation to MF are fine or need to be modified? (2) Can you suggest the allocation to Global Stocks MF? (3) The Global Fund suggestion if any It would be grateful if any other things I need to consider or modify. Thank you in advance!
Ans: Hello;

My feedback is as given below:

1. First your term life cover is not adequate. It should be enhanced to
2-3 Cr.

2. Healthcare coverage for your parents is relatively lower considering that they may be in the higher age band hence higher possibility of medical risks.

3. Emergency fund should be parked in overnight/liquid or arbitrage fund. Never in a dynamic bond fund with Macaulay duration of 3-4 years. Returns are not that important as liquidity and low risk for emergency fund.

4. Considering your age the allocation to equity is quite low. Assuming that you have a conservative risk profile still you should atleast have 40% allocation to equity mutual funds(not direct stocks) and taper it down gradually as you approach retirement age.

I mean actively managed or passive equity mutual funds and not sectoral and thematic funds(shouldn't be more then 10-15% of your equity allocation).

5. You already have exposure to global stocks through your flexicap fund. In addition to that you have 5% allocation to global stocks MF which maybe enhanced to 8%.

To maintain neutrality of this forum we are duty bound to avoid indicating fund house preference or recommendation.

6. Allocation to Gold should be max 10% of the portfolio.

7. Consider NPS for retirement planning. It's an E-E-E type of investment with very less withdrawals allowed before 60.

Happy Investing;
X: @mars_invest

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Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |118 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 04, 2025

Relationship
Dear Doctor, Greetings of the day. I am a married man with two daughters. Ours was an intercaste love marriage, and I was fully aware of my wife’s past before we got married. At that time, I had no issues with her past as I believed she had moved on, and I was completely fine with it. We got married in 2008, and due to my job profile, we had to live away from our hometown. My wife is a highly educated woman, and she sacrificed her career to focus on raising our children. Once our younger daughter turned 9, we decided it was time for my wife to resume her professional career. She started a naturopathy clinic in our hometown, while I continued working in another city, living the life of a “forced bachelor.” However, after a year of being apart, I started missing my family deeply. I decided to leave my job and take up another role closer to our hometown so that I could spend weekends with my family. Since then, whenever I visit home, I sense a change in my wife’s behavior and body language. Things do not feel the same between us anymore. I have observed that her ex-boyfriend, who lives near her parents’ house, is a factor in this situation. Her ex’s elder sister frequently visits my wife’s clinic, and my wife also visits her parents’ house regularly, where he is around. I feel uneasy about this because her ex is known to be a drunkard and a manipulative man who can play with her mind. On one occasion, during a family function, he approached me, seemingly about to start a conversation, but my wife made a subtle signal, and he immediately stopped. He was drunk at the time, and that incident has been stuck in my mind ever since. I am unsure how to deal with this situation or what steps to take moving forward. It is affecting my peace of mind, and I feel lost. Kindly guide me on how to approach this matter.
Ans: It’s understandable that you’re feeling uneasy and concerned about the situation. Relationships, especially long-term ones, evolve over time, and external factors can create complex dynamics. Here’s a step-by-step approach to help you navigate this:

1. Clarify Your Feelings
Reflect on what exactly is making you uncomfortable—your wife’s behavior, her interactions with her ex, or the idea that her past might be resurfacing.
Separate your assumptions from facts. It’s important to ensure your concerns are grounded in reality and not solely based on fears.
2. Open Communication with Your Wife
Choose a calm and private moment to talk to your wife. Share your feelings without accusations or judgment.
Use “I” statements, such as:
“I’ve been feeling uneasy about some things and would like to discuss them with you. I value our relationship and want to ensure we’re on the same page.”
Be honest but gentle. Aim to understand her perspective and ensure she feels safe sharing her thoughts with you.
3. Understand Her Perspective
Ask her how she’s feeling about the current state of your relationship, her work-life balance, and your family dynamics.
Inquire about her interactions with her ex’s family and clarify if they are merely coincidental or something more deliberate.
4. Establish Boundaries
If the situation with her ex is a source of discomfort for you, it’s okay to express that and set boundaries together.
For example: “I respect your independence, but I feel uneasy about the proximity to your ex. Can we find a way to address this together?”
5. Revisit the Relationship Foundation
Long-distance and career changes can create emotional gaps. Reconnect with your wife by revisiting shared goals, dreams, and moments that brought you together.
Plan activities together, even small ones, that allow you to strengthen your bond.
6. Self-Care
Feeling lost and restless can impact your mental and emotional health. Engage in activities that help you stay grounded, such as exercise, meditation, or journaling.
Seek support from trusted friends or a counselor if you need a safe space to process your feelings.
7. Consider Professional Guidance
If the situation continues to strain your relationship, couples counseling can be a constructive way to work through concerns with an objective third party.
8. Evaluate the Bigger Picture
Look at your wife’s overall behavior and commitment to the family. If her actions consistently demonstrate care and loyalty, the presence of her ex might be less significant than it feels.
Conversely, if her behavior indicates distance or secrecy, it may warrant deeper introspection and conversation.
Key Principles
Trust but Verify: While trust is essential, it’s okay to seek clarity when something feels off.
Non-Confrontational Approach: Avoid making accusations or assumptions. Focus on fostering mutual understanding.
Focus on Solutions: Work together to create a relationship environment where both of you feel secure and valued.
This is a sensitive issue, but with open communication and a collaborative approach, you can work toward restoring peace of mind and a deeper connection in your marriage.

...Read more

Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |118 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 04, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 28, 2024Hindi
Relationship
Hi expert I’m a 48-year-old man from Bangalore. I am watching your videos on instagram and need your advice. Recently, I joined Instagram in search of answers to some personal, painful questions that I’ve never had the courage to discuss with anyone before. I’ve been married since 2007, and we have a 15-year-old son. Despite being in a long-term marriage, I often feel uncertain about my relationship with my wife and my family. At times, I wonder if my wife—or anyone in my family—truly loves or even cares for me. This feeling of being emotionally disconnected has led me to occasionally think that I might be better off alone, or even running away from everything. One issue I struggle with is communication with my wife. Whenever I try to discuss personal or family matters with her, she gets upset, and her anger usually leads to silence between us until I apologize. It feels like I can’t express myself openly without the fear of making things worse. This dynamic has created a barrier, and I’ve found it difficult to have meaningful conversations or resolve issues. Another complication is the lack of harmony between my wife and my family. From the early days of our marriage, my family never really accepted her, and there has always been tension. They didn’t make an effort to treat her well, and over time, it became clear that they don’t get along. As a result, there’s a deep sense of isolation for her in my family, and that only adds to the strain in our relationship. At home, I also often feel like I fail to meet expectations. My wife gets angry when things aren’t done the way she wants them to be, and I sometimes find myself unsure of how to navigate these situations. I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells, trying to avoid conflict, but in doing so, I’m unsure whether I’m making the right choices or whether I’m neglecting my own needs in the process. I’m reaching out for advice because I’m at a point where I feel lost. I’m not sure how to repair the relationships in my life or how to stop feeling so isolated. Any guidance or perspective you can offer would be greatly appreciated.
Ans: Thank you for sharing your story so openly and honestly. I understand how overwhelming it can feel to navigate such complex emotions and relationships, especially when you feel uncertain about where to turn for guidance. Let’s take this step-by-step to explore ways to help you find clarity and strengthen your relationships.

1. Instagram as a Starting Point, Not the Solution
It’s important to acknowledge that while platforms like Instagram can offer inspiration and helpful insights, they’re not designed for addressing deeply personal issues. Content on social media is often generalized and may lack the depth, context, and nuance needed to resolve complex challenges. What you’re experiencing deserves more personalized attention and a safe, professional space where you can explore your thoughts, emotions, and relationship dynamics in depth. Seeking professional help—such as therapy or counseling—will allow you to find tailored solutions that fit your unique circumstances.

2. Understanding Emotional Disconnect
Feeling emotionally disconnected in your marriage and questioning whether your family loves or cares for you can be incredibly painful. These feelings might not reflect the absence of love but rather difficulties in how love and care are communicated within your relationships. Emotional disconnection often stems from patterns of interaction or unmet emotional needs, which can build over time. Recognizing this can help you shift your focus from self-doubt to exploring ways to improve connection and communication with your loved ones.

3. Improving Communication with Your Wife
A recurring theme in your situation is the challenge of communication with your wife. Here are a few strategies to address this:

Choose Neutral Moments: Initiate conversations at a time when both of you are calm and free from immediate stress. Avoid starting sensitive discussions during or right after a conflict.
Express Feelings, Not Faults: Frame your concerns using “I” statements to share your feelings without sounding accusatory. For example, instead of saying, “You always get upset when I talk,” you could say, “I feel hesitant to share my thoughts because I worry about upsetting you.”
Listen Actively: Show her that her perspective matters by listening without interrupting. Reflect on what she says to ensure she feels heard.
Consider Structured Check-Ins: Set aside regular time (e.g., once a week) to discuss family matters or emotions. This can create a safe space for open dialogue without the pressure of immediate resolution.
4. Addressing Family Tensions
The tension between your wife and your family has likely added significant strain to your marriage. While this dynamic is challenging, there are steps you can take to navigate it:

Acknowledge Your Wife’s Experience: Validate her feelings about her struggles with your family. Let her know that you understand how difficult it’s been for her to feel isolated.
Set Boundaries with Your Family: It’s important to prioritize your marriage while still maintaining a respectful relationship with your family. This might involve gently but firmly communicating to your family that you expect them to treat your wife with respect, even if they don’t share a close bond.
Avoid Forcing Reconciliation: Instead of trying to make your wife and family “get along,” focus on small steps to reduce tension. Highlight shared interests or goals, but respect their individual boundaries.
5. Managing Expectations and Conflicts at Home
It’s clear that you feel under pressure to meet expectations and avoid conflict at home. To navigate this:

Clarify Expectations: Have an open conversation with your wife about her specific expectations and how you can meet them without compromising your own needs. Share your expectations as well, so you both have a clearer understanding of each other’s perspectives.
Practice Self-Care: Taking care of your mental and physical health is crucial. Whether through exercise, hobbies, or relaxation techniques, find activities that help you manage stress and maintain emotional balance.
Respond, Don’t React: When conflicts arise, take a moment to pause and reflect before responding. This can help you approach the situation with calmness and clarity.
6. Seeking Professional Help
Given the complexity of your situation, seeking professional guidance could be immensely beneficial. Options include:

Marriage Counseling: A therapist can provide a neutral space where both you and your wife can work through communication challenges and emotional disconnection. This can help you rebuild trust and strengthen your bond.
Individual Therapy: If you’re feeling isolated or questioning your self-worth, therapy can help you explore these feelings, gain clarity, and develop strategies for personal growth and resilience.
Family Counseling: If you want to address the broader family dynamics, family therapy can help facilitate understanding and harmony among all parties involved.
7. Reflecting on Your Needs
Finally, take time to reflect on your own emotional needs. What do you truly want from your relationships? What makes you feel valued and loved? Communicating these needs to your wife and family can help them understand how to support you better.

A Final Thought
You’ve taken a courageous first step by acknowledging your struggles and seeking advice. While the path ahead may feel uncertain, remember that meaningful change is possible with consistent effort, patience, and the right support. You don’t have to go through this alone, and seeking professional help can provide the tools you need to rebuild connection and find peace in your relationships.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |466 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 04, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 01, 2025Hindi
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Relationship
Hello Mam Age 42. Double divorcee. Recently I have been meeting my old college friend & we sort of know each other for the last 2 decades. At college we were more of acquaintances & post that we were connected through social media. We would sometimes connect but not on regular basis. She is also a divorcee. However in 2024 we have been meeting quite regularly. When we meet she is very nice & has been warm with me; we go out have fun. But there are things like she keeps hiding from me. She goes on overnight tours with her 'friends' ; she never introduces me to her friends ( I mean friends with whom she goes out). I told her that I am ok with your 'friends' but she sorts of backs away. Also then there have been some unexplained gaps (she turns cold all of a sudden) & then comes out very warm. All these days & I have developed strong feelings for her. Just wanted to get your perspective on what you think is her stance towards me.
Ans: It’s possible that her past experiences have made her cautious. After going through a divorce, people often carry emotional baggage or fears about vulnerability and trust. These feelings can make someone hesitant to fully open up or commit, even if they’re genuinely interested in the connection. Her keeping parts of her life private, like her outings with friends, might be her way of maintaining control and independence as she navigates her own emotions and what she wants for her future.

Another perspective to consider is that she may be uncertain about the nature of your relationship or how she feels about moving forward. The warm and cold behavior could be a reflection of her trying to figure out her own emotions. She might enjoy spending time with you but feel hesitant about diving deeper due to unresolved feelings from her past or uncertainties about what a long-term commitment would look like.

This inconsistency might also stem from her valuing her independence and wanting to keep certain aspects of her life separate until she feels more certain about how to integrate you into those spaces. For some, introducing a new partner to close friends or family is a significant step that they might delay until they feel fully ready.

It’s important for you to approach this situation with patience and open communication. Rather than focusing on her actions as signs of rejection or disinterest, try to have a heartfelt conversation about how you feel and what you’ve observed. Share your feelings honestly and express your desire to understand her better. Ask her about her thoughts and boundaries in a way that shows you’re genuinely interested in her perspective, not just seeking answers for your own clarity.

At the same time, reflect on your own needs and expectations. Consider whether you’re comfortable with the pace and level of openness in this relationship. It’s essential to strike a balance where both of you feel valued and respected without feeling pressured or overwhelmed.

Remember that relationships, especially those formed later in life, often take time to develop deeper trust and understanding. Her actions don’t necessarily mean she’s not interested; they might just reflect her personal journey and the pace at which she’s comfortable moving. With time, communication, and mutual understanding, you can work together to determine whether your connection has the potential to grow into something more fulfilling and stable.

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