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Should I Take a Loan For Building My Home at 35-40 or Use My Savings?

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6287 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 17, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jul 17, 2024Hindi
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Hello Sir, I am planning to retire early and make a home for my parents. Current Age: 29 yrs Investment: 1. F/D - 43.37 L, 2. PPF - 12.6 L, 3. Stocks - 27.01 L, 4. M/F - 4.78 L, 5. U.S. Stocks - 0.84 L, 6. Gold - 5.21 L, 7. Real Estate (Land) - 56 L, 8. Crypto - 0.6 L which adds to 152.93 L. SIP: 2000*3 each week. And based on extra cash, I invest in Stocks. Questions: I want to make a home on the land I purchased, starting around 35-40, should I take a loan for that or use my money (mostly FDs are for that)? I want to be financially independent but still do what I like. What corpus is a decent one? Marriages are scary, because of the alimony amount, what can I do to secure my hard earned money? Can I create a trust to fund my expenses? or HUF work?

Ans: You are on a commendable financial journey. Let’s address your goals and concerns step by step.

Building a Home: Loan vs. Own Funds

Using FDs
• Safe Option: Using FDs for building your home is a safe option.
• Low Returns: FDs offer lower returns compared to other investments.
• Liquidity: FDs provide liquidity which you can utilize for construction.

Taking a Loan
• Preserve Investments: A loan allows you to keep your investments intact.
• Interest Cost: Home loans come with interest costs.
• Tax Benefits: Home loans offer tax benefits on both principal and interest repayments.

Recommendation
• Balanced Approach: Consider a mix of using your FDs and taking a small loan.
• Evaluate Costs: Compare the interest cost of the loan with the potential returns from your investments.

Financial Independence
To achieve financial independence, consider the following steps:

Assessing Your Corpus
• Current Portfolio: You have a diverse portfolio worth Rs. 152.93 lakhs.
• Future Needs: Calculate your future expenses and inflation-adjusted requirements.

Increasing Your SIPs
• Step-Up SIP: Increase your SIP contributions regularly.
• Diversify Further: Continue investing in a diversified mix of mutual funds, stocks, and other assets.
Passive Income Sources
• Dividend Stocks: Invest in dividend-yielding stocks.
• Rental Income: Consider rental income from your real estate investments.
• Systematic Withdrawal Plans (SWP): Use SWPs in mutual funds for regular income.

Securing Your Wealth from Alimony
Pre-Nuptial Agreement
• Legal Protection: Consider a pre-nuptial agreement to protect your assets.
• Clear Terms: Define asset division terms clearly in the agreement.

Creating a Trust
• Asset Protection: A trust can protect your assets from claims.
• Control: You retain control over the trust assets.
• Tax Benefits: Trusts can offer tax benefits in some cases.

Hindu Undivided Family (HUF)
• Tax Benefits: HUF offers tax benefits under Indian law.
• Asset Management: It helps in managing family assets efficiently.
• Legal Advice: Seek legal advice to set up an HUF properly.

Final Insights
Your financial journey is impressive. To build a home, consider a balanced approach of using FDs and a small loan. Increase your SIPs and diversify your investments to achieve financial independence. Protect your assets with pre-nuptial agreements, trusts, or an HUF. Regularly review your financial plan with a certified financial planner.

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6287 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 08, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 08, 2024Hindi
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I am 40, a single parent with 2 daughters aged 2 and 1. I have following assets that i have accumulated over my employment 1. 1.6 Cr in Indian equity 2. 60L in indian MFs 3. 2 Cr in EPF 4. 72L in PPF 5. 12L in NPS 6. 51 L in SGBs 7. 72L in Gold/diamond jewellery 8. 5Cr in company stocks. These are from the 2 employers i have worked for, almost equally distributed and are mostly vested (trading publicly) 9. Real estate - 3 houses worth 8.7 Cr. Primary house is 6 Cr 10. I have 4 term insurance schemed running, in around 7 years, they will start generating an average income of 60L annually till 2043 11. 60L in Bank/FDs 12. 8L in SSYs for girls While i feel i am doing well, at times with hugely inflation in medical and education fees, i feel its just so hard to estimate what will i need to plan for when my children are ready to go to college in 16 odd years. I keep on hearing mind boggling college fees from my friends, so an approx assessment of education corpus will help. Also i feel keeping equity in single stock as in case with my 2 employers is highly risky, so any suggestion on how to systematically withdraw and invest elsewhere will help. Also looking at my portfolio, do you have any rebalancing advice. I am planning to work as long as possible so have another 18 to 20 years of work life left but given the volatile job market nowadays, want to be mentally and financially prepared.
Ans: Wow, it's commendable how diligently you've built your assets while balancing the responsibilities of being a single parent. Managing such a diverse portfolio shows your financial acumen and dedication to securing your family's future.
Navigating the uncertainties of inflation, especially in medical and education expenses, can indeed be daunting. But fret not, as a Certified Financial Planner, I'm here to help ease your worries and chart a clear path forward.
Let's address your concerns step by step:
Assessing Education Corpus:
Estimating future education expenses can be challenging due to inflation. However, we can create a rough estimate based on current trends and projected inflation rates. It's crucial to factor in not just tuition fees but also accommodation, books, and other related costs. With your assets and income streams, we can devise a systematic savings plan to build a robust education corpus for your daughters.
Managing Single Stock Risk:
Having a significant portion of your equity tied to single stocks can indeed expose you to high risk. Diversification is key to mitigating this risk. We can gradually liquidate your holdings in the single stock and reinvest the proceeds into a well-diversified portfolio of mutual funds or other suitable investment avenues. This approach will help spread risk and potentially enhance returns over time.
Portfolio Rebalancing:
Given the size and diversity of your portfolio, periodic rebalancing is essential to ensure it remains aligned with your financial goals and risk tolerance. We'll review each asset class's performance and make adjustments as needed to maintain the desired asset allocation. This will help optimize returns while managing risk effectively.
Preparing for Volatile Job Market:
With another 18 to 20 years of work life ahead, it's wise to prepare for potential job market volatility. Building a robust emergency fund equivalent to at least 6-12 months of living expenses can provide a financial safety net during uncertain times. Additionally, continue investing in your skills and staying abreast of industry trends to remain competitive in the job market.
You're already on the right track with your prudent financial planning and disciplined savings habits. Remember to review your financial plan periodically and adapt it to changing circumstances. Stay focused on your long-term goals, and don't hesitate to reach out whenever you need assistance or guidance. You're doing an incredible job, and I'm here to support you every step of the way. Keep up the excellent work!

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6287 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 13, 2024

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I am 32 year old newly married man, having 1.7lakh as take home with expenses as home loan:65000 for 28yrs remaining topup: 8400 8 yrs and mortgage loan 27500 15 yrs per month. I have an equity investment of 7lakh and mutual fund sip of 5000 pm. I expect a bonus of 2lakh every year. I'm not sure if I should focus on repaying the loans quickly or increase my investment. My initial target is to invest 35000 pm. I don't know how to plan for retirement, becoming loan free and invest for kids in future. Home expenses are shared in the family and are paid through rents recieved by my mom
Ans: Congratulations on your recent marriage and your commitment to financial planning. Let's create a roadmap to address your goals of managing loans, increasing investments, planning for retirement, and securing your children's future.

Loan Repayment Strategy:

Given your substantial monthly loan obligations, it's essential to strike a balance between loan repayment and investment.
Focus on paying off high-interest loans, such as the top-up and mortgage loans, while continuing to meet the minimum payments on your home loan.
Utilize your annual bonus to make lump-sum payments towards your loans, reducing the principal and interest burden.
Investment Planning:

With a monthly take-home of Rs 1.7 lakhs and an initial investment of Rs 7 lakhs in equity, you're off to a good start.
Aim to gradually increase your monthly investments to Rs 35,000, as you've planned. This can help you build wealth over time and achieve your financial goals.
Consider diversifying your investment portfolio by exploring other asset classes like debt, real estate (if feasible), and tax-saving instruments like PPF or ELSS.
Retirement Planning:

Start planning for retirement early to benefit from the power of compounding and secure a comfortable post-retirement life.
Estimate your retirement expenses, factoring in inflation and lifestyle preferences. A Certified Financial Planner (CFP) can assist you in determining an appropriate retirement corpus.
Maximize contributions to retirement savings vehicles like EPF, PPF, or NPS to avail tax benefits and accumulate a substantial corpus over time.
Securing Your Children's Future:

Plan for your children's education and future financial needs by setting up dedicated investment accounts like a Child Education Plan or a Mutual Fund SIP.
Regularly review and adjust your investment strategy to align with your children's milestones and educational aspirations.
Seek Professional Guidance:

Consult with a CFP who can provide personalized advice tailored to your financial situation and goals.
A CFP can help you create a comprehensive financial plan, prioritize your objectives, and make informed decisions about loan repayment, investment allocation, and retirement planning.
In conclusion, by adopting a balanced approach to loan repayment and investment, and seeking professional guidance, you can work towards achieving financial freedom, securing your retirement, and building a solid foundation for your family's future.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6287 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 03, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 25, 2024Hindi
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Dear Expert, Hope you are doing great !! I am 47 and my wife is 46 years old, both are working. Our joint take home salary is around 4 - 4.25 L/M (on an average), Our current wealth is per following - 1.6 Cr (Savings, FD, PPF, EF, SSY) All savings - including PPF for both of us - Policy - 25 (Lacks accumulated - our investment ) - Actual FV would be different, they would be maturing at different time frame in next 5-15 years... - MF - (Only Debt) - 15 Lakh, Equity - I had around 50L but sold the complete portfolio for my home investment - as of now nothing in equity side but not really comfortable putting in equity as market is very high - may be once down will resume - my plan is to do lump sump once market is down (waiting for a good correction) - Stock - 1 Lakh - Home - Approx 3 Cr (No home loan as of now) - Second home (Father owner - I am nominee) - 1.5 CR - 2 Properties (Land) - Approx 75 Lakhs - Term Insurance - 1.5 Cr Liabilities - Nothing Monthly Expenses - 1 - 1.5 Lakhs (Including policy & 20K transferring to my parents 10K each) Have two kids - Daughter - Just 12th Passed - She wants to purse Psychology - eventually Phd (her own decision)...I am encouraging her to pursue UPSC..let see - Son - In 9th standard (Would encourage him to eventually do some business, but no compulsion from our side, he is free to do whatever he wants to do) Have simple life style, how should we plan our income/saving in such way that we can comfortably achieve following - Kids Education - ?? Not sure Daughter Marriage - 30-40 Lakhs Son Marriage - ?? (Not sure) Post retirement - 1 - 1.5 L/Monthly income
Ans: I hope you are doing great! You and your wife have a strong financial foundation and clear goals. Let’s work on a plan to ensure you achieve your objectives smoothly.

Current Financial Situation
Let's summarise your current financial position:

Joint Monthly Salary: Rs. 4 - 4.25 lakh.
Total Savings (FD, PPF, EF, SSY): Rs. 1.6 crore.
Policies: Rs. 25 lakh.
Mutual Funds (Debt): Rs. 15 lakh.
Equity: Sold for home investment, planning to reinvest.
Stock: Rs. 1 lakh.
Primary Home: Approx. Rs. 3 crore.
Second Home: Approx. Rs. 1.5 crore (nominee).
Land Properties: Approx. Rs. 75 lakh.
Term Insurance: Rs. 1.5 crore.
Liabilities: None.
Monthly Expenses: Rs. 1 - 1.5 lakh (including Rs. 20k to parents).
Children’s Education and Marriage Goals: Uncertain amounts for education, Rs. 30-40 lakh for daughter’s marriage.
Understanding Your Goals
You have specific financial goals:

Kids' Education: Not sure about the costs.
Daughter’s Marriage: Rs. 30-40 lakh.
Son’s Marriage: Not sure.
Post-Retirement Income: Rs. 1 - 1.5 lakh per month.
Kids' Education Planning
Daughter’s Higher Education
Your daughter’s goal is to pursue psychology and eventually a PhD. Encourage her to explore scholarships and financial aid options.

Son’s Future Plans
Your son is in 9th standard and you are open to his career choices. Keep supporting his interests.

Creating an Education Fund
Start a dedicated education fund for both kids. Invest in a mix of equity and debt mutual funds for growth and stability.

Marriage Fund
Daughter’s Marriage
Plan for Rs. 30-40 lakh for your daughter’s marriage. Start a separate investment in a balanced mutual fund to achieve this goal.

Son’s Marriage
Estimate the cost for your son’s marriage and start saving accordingly. A similar balanced fund can be used.

Retirement Planning
Target Post-Retirement Income
You aim for Rs. 1 - 1.5 lakh monthly post-retirement. Let’s ensure a steady income source.

Building the Retirement Corpus
With your current savings and continued investments, you can build a sufficient retirement corpus. Here’s a detailed plan:

Savings and Fixed Deposits: Maintain some liquidity.
PPF: Continue investing till maturity for tax-free returns.
Debt Mutual Funds: Ensure a portion for stability.
Equity Investments: Essential for long-term growth.
Investment Strategy
Systematic Investment Plans (SIPs)
Resuming SIPs in equity mutual funds is crucial once the market corrects. Here’s a breakdown:

Equity Mutual Funds: Diversify across large-cap, mid-cap, and small-cap funds.
Debt Mutual Funds: Continue for stability and regular income.
Balanced Funds: A mix of equity and debt for moderate risk and returns.
Benefits of Actively Managed Funds
Actively managed funds outperform index funds. Professional fund managers can adjust the portfolio to maximize returns.

Power of Compounding
Reinvesting returns leads to exponential growth. Compounding is your best ally in wealth creation.

Risk Management
Managing Market Volatility
Equity markets are volatile. Diversification across asset classes reduces risk.

Emergency Fund
Maintain an emergency fund for 6-12 months of expenses. This provides liquidity and financial security.

Detailed Plan
Equity Mutual Funds
Invest in a mix of large-cap, mid-cap, and small-cap funds. Allocate 60% of your portfolio to equities for growth.

Debt Mutual Funds
Allocate 20% to debt mutual funds. These provide stability and regular income.

Hybrid Mutual Funds
Invest 10% in hybrid funds. They offer a balanced approach with exposure to both equity and debt.

Gold Investments
Gold acts as a hedge against inflation. Maintain around 10% of your portfolio in gold.

Life Insurance and Policies
Assessing Current Policies
You have Rs. 25 lakh in policies maturing over 5-15 years. Ensure they align with your goals.

Adequate Life Insurance
Your term insurance of Rs. 1.5 crore is good. Ensure it covers your family’s needs.

Regular Review and Rebalancing
Periodic Review
Review your portfolio periodically. Adjust investments based on market conditions and goals.

Rebalancing
Rebalance annually to maintain desired asset allocation. This keeps your portfolio aligned with your risk tolerance.

Final Insights
Education Fund
Create a dedicated fund for kids’ education. Invest in a mix of equity and debt funds for growth and stability.

Marriage Fund
Plan for your daughter’s marriage with a separate investment. Estimate costs for your son’s marriage and start saving.

Retirement Corpus
Aim for a sufficient retirement corpus with your current and future investments. Diversify your portfolio for growth and stability.

Investment Strategy
Continue SIPs: Resume SIPs in equity mutual funds for long-term growth.
Diversify Portfolio: Maintain a balanced mix of equity, debt, and gold.
Regular Review and Rebalancing: Periodically review and rebalance your portfolio.
By following this comprehensive plan, you can achieve your financial goals and ensure a comfortable future for your family.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6287 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Aug 08, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 01, 2024Hindi
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Hi. I’m 28, single and taking care of my aging parents. My take home is about 1.7L per month. My current investment are as following: Stocks: 4L, MF: 12L, Liquid Funds for emergency: 5L, US Stocks: 4L, NPS: 3L, PPF: 6.5L, EPF: 9.5L, Cash: 3.5L, Real Estate: 15L I invest about 25k to MF SIP monthly, 12k to PPF. Moreover, I will get ~15L per year in stocks after tax from my current company as RSUs. Last year, I have taken a home loan of 60L for 30 years to build a duplex at my hometown, EMI is around 45k per month. I’ve bought term insurance of 2cr and have 10L of health insurance for myself and parents from my company. Having major medical expenses for my ailing dad since last year, as insurance doesn’t cover all expenses. I want to retire as early as possible. Can you please help me suggest detailed retirement planning around the age of 40-45. Lastly, shall I payoff my home loan amount early with my RSU money? Or keep investing that lump sum amount rather than closing the home loan earlier? Thanks in anticipation.
Ans: Current Financial Overview

At 28, you have a good salary of Rs 1.7L per month. Your investments are well-diversified. Here's a summary:

Stocks: Rs 4L

Mutual Funds: Rs 12L

Liquid Funds: Rs 5L

US Stocks: Rs 4L

NPS: Rs 3L

PPF: Rs 6.5L

EPF: Rs 9.5L

Cash: Rs 3.5L

Real Estate: Rs 15L

You have a home loan of Rs 60L with an EMI of Rs 45,000. You invest Rs 25,000 monthly in mutual funds and Rs 12,000 in PPF. Your company grants you RSUs worth about Rs 15L per year post-tax.

Your insurance coverage includes a Rs 2 crore term plan and a Rs 10L health insurance from your company for you and your parents. You are incurring significant medical expenses for your father.

Financial Goals and Retirement Planning

You want to retire between 40 and 45. Early retirement needs careful planning and disciplined saving. Here are detailed steps:

1. Prioritize Emergency Fund

Enhance Emergency Fund: Your current emergency fund is Rs 5L. Aim for at least 6-12 months of expenses.

Medical Contingency Fund: Given your father's medical needs, set aside additional funds specifically for medical emergencies.

2. Review Insurance Coverage

Health Insurance: Your current coverage is Rs 10L. Consider a top-up health insurance plan. It covers expenses that your current policy might not.

Term Insurance: Ensure your Rs 2 crore term insurance is sufficient. Factor in liabilities like your home loan and future family needs.

3. Home Loan Management

Assess Early Repayment: Your RSUs worth Rs 15L per year can be used to pay off your home loan. Consider the interest rate on your loan versus potential investment returns.

Balance Investments and Debt: If your investment returns are higher than your loan interest, continue investing. Otherwise, prioritize loan repayment.

4. Optimize Investments

Mutual Funds: Continue your SIPs of Rs 25,000 monthly. Consider increasing the SIP amount gradually.

Diversification: Ensure your mutual fund portfolio includes a mix of large-cap, mid-cap, and small-cap funds. This reduces risk.

Avoid Index Funds: Index funds have lower returns compared to actively managed funds. Stick to actively managed funds for better performance.

5. Future RSU Strategy

RSU Utilization: Use your annual RSU proceeds wisely. Allocate a portion towards your home loan and the rest towards diversified investments.

Tax Efficiency: Plan your RSU sales to minimize tax liability. Consult a tax advisor for optimized tax strategies.

6. Long-Term Investments

PPF and NPS: Continue your contributions to PPF and NPS. They offer tax benefits and secure returns.

Equity Exposure: Maintain a healthy exposure to equities. They provide higher returns over the long term.

Direct Funds: Avoid direct mutual funds. Invest through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) for expert advice and better fund management.

7. Retirement Corpus Calculation

Estimate Retirement Needs: Calculate your expected monthly expenses post-retirement. Factor in inflation and lifestyle changes.

Corpus Requirement: Aim to build a retirement corpus that can generate enough monthly income. Typically, this could be 20-25 times your annual expenses.

Investment Strategy: Post-retirement, shift to a mix of conservative and moderate risk investments. Consider balanced funds and debt funds for steady income.

8. Additional Income Streams

Rental Income: If your real estate can generate rental income, factor this into your retirement planning.

Side Income: Explore side income opportunities that can supplement your savings.

9. Continuous Review and Adjustment

Regular Review: Review your financial plan annually. Adjust based on changes in income, expenses, and financial goals.

Consult a CFP: Work with a Certified Financial Planner for ongoing advice. They help optimize your portfolio and ensure you're on track to meet your goals.

Final Insights

You are on a good path with your diversified investments and insurance coverages. Focus on enhancing your emergency fund, optimizing investments, and strategically managing your home loan and RSUs. Regular reviews and adjustments will ensure you stay on track for early retirement. Consulting a Certified Financial Planner will provide expert guidance to achieve your financial goals efficiently.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

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Moneywize

Moneywize   |149 Answers  |Ask -

Financial Planner - Answered on Sep 13, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 11, 2024Hindi
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I am 24-year-old salaried person. Monthly salary is 80k. I want to diversify 40k every month in large, mid and small cap mutual funds. Which plans should I choose? Please help as I am new to mutual funds.
Ans: To diversify your monthly salary of 40k into large, mid, and small-cap mutual funds, here are some options you can consider:

Large-Cap Mutual Funds:

• HDFC Large Cap Fund: This fund invests in large-cap companies with a proven track record. It has a consistent performance and is suitable for investors seeking capital appreciation.
• Axis Long Term Equity Fund: This fund aims to generate long-term capital growth by investing in a diversified portfolio of large-cap companies. It has a good track record and is suitable for investors with a long-term investment horizon.

Mid-Cap Mutual Funds:

• Kotak Emerging Equity Fund: This fund invests in mid-cap companies with the potential to outperform the market. It has a strong investment team and a good track record.
• Mirae Asset Mid Cap Fund: This fund focuses on mid-cap companies with growth potential. It has a diversified portfolio and a good risk-adjusted return.

Small-Cap Mutual Funds:

• Franklin Templeton Small Cap Fund: This fund invests in small-cap companies with high growth potential. It has a good track record and is suitable for investors with a higher risk appetite.
• ICICI Prudential Small Cap Fund: This fund invests in small-cap companies with the potential to generate significant returns. It has a diversified portfolio and a good risk-adjusted return.

Note:

• Investment Horizon: Consider your investment horizon before choosing funds. Small-cap funds typically have higher volatility, so they may not be suitable for short-term investments.
• Risk Tolerance: Assess your risk tolerance before investing. Large-cap funds are generally less volatile than mid-cap and small-cap funds.
• Diversification: Diversifying your investments across different asset classes and fund houses can help reduce risk.
• Regular Review: Regularly review your investments and make necessary adjustments based on your financial goals and market conditions.

Additional Tips:

• Start SIP: Consider starting a Systematic Investment Plan (SIP) to invest a fixed amount every month. This helps discipline your investments and average out the cost of purchase.
• Consult a Financial Advisor: If you are unsure about which funds to choose, consult a financial advisor who can provide personalized advice based on your financial goals and risk profile.

Remember, investing in mutual funds involves risks, and past performance is not indicative of future results. It's important to do thorough research or consult with a financial advisor before making any investment decisions.

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Ravi Mittal  |296 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Sep 13, 2024

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Then on fights started increasing between us regarding her. whenever we three had a conversation i felt like thirdwheel and felt he is showing more attention towards her, more care towards her. again a fight. Like that fights started increasing. At first he used to listen to me, but after some days he started saying like my thinking is wrong. I even told him how much I cried but he didn't bothered. I never wanted to break their friendship so I never wanted to ask him to stop talking(even though he gave me that option). I only wanted him to give me my importance but I still feel he shows equal care to both of us. Then how am I different? Later on in our every fight, he started supporting her this gave me more pain. One day he said If I leave her for you, then I may leave you for someone else, that is not my character( this is contrary to what he said previously 'I will stop talking to her if i don't want to'). I cried a lot, I don't have much friends I couldn't share this with anyone.... every moment he is only coming to my thoughts and whenever fights happen due to Aliya, I get disturbed a lot... unable to concentrate on my work... not getting interest to do anything. One day out of anger I said just stop talking to her then his expressions totally changed he became hesistant , he became very sad and said I need sometime and don't know how much( his expression is contrary to what he said 'It doesn't bother me much If I don't talk to Aliya' ). He is that much emotionally connected to her. After 5mins I pinged him saying that I am feeling very guilt about the decision and ask him not to stop talking to her. I understood finally that he still thinks I am wrong and I am tired of fighting. One day when I was very emotional I told him that I will no more bring Aliya topic in our discussion and asked him to do whatever he wants. After this, Whenever Aliya calls him or he call her he used to tell me... sometimes I felt very bad... sometimes I tried to ignore as if it didn't bothered me but didn't start any argument with him. After few days he even stopped telling me if she called him or not also. When he was not telling about Aliya's conversations I thought he understood my feelings and reduced talking with her. but one time accidently my colleague's friend told about the small conversation that my colleague and Aliya had, that's how I came to know that they had a conversation but he didn't tell me. I felt very bad, really very bad... again unable to concentrate on work feel like crying all the time... I can't ask him to stop talking to her because I don't like to do so and also afraid of having negative impression on me in my colleague's mind. at the same time, I feel very very bad whenever they meet or have a call or does something together. I cannot discuss with him about this anymore. what shall i do, this is bothering me a lot and also having effect on my career, peace and life. please suggest. I am ready to correct myself if there is anything wrong from my end. And I can surely say that If i have a boy bestfriend then he would definitely not feel comfortable and will get upset.
Ans: Dear Jia,

When two people enter a relationship, both must try to make each other feel comfortable. If you are uncomfortable with your partner speaking to his friend, who is also his ex-crush, it is perfectly normal for you to voice it. And reading your question I understood that he has repeatedly mentioned that he had feelings for her, and even wanted to sever ties because staying in touch could only further ignite those feelings. I don't see how you are wrong in letting him know that you don't like their interactions. Plus, in a healthy relationship, the partner comes first. Not friends, especially not this kind of friendship.

Just understand that you are not wrong. Even if his intentions are pure and he looks at her like a friend, you have every right to express your feelings. You made no unreasonable demand. She wasn't "just" a friend; she was always more than that, and being insecure about something like that is not uncommon.

The only thing to do right now is to tell your boyfriend that you understand that the friendship is important but you deserve someone who can pick you over everything- obviously, reasonable things. See what he does. And please remember, you actually deserve someone who would pick you. This is not an ultimatum; it's the truth.

Best Wishes.

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