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28-Year-Old with Aging Parents: Can I Retire at 40-45?

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6287 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Aug 08, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Aug 01, 2024Hindi
Money

Hi. I’m 28, single and taking care of my aging parents. My take home is about 1.7L per month. My current investment are as following: Stocks: 4L, MF: 12L, Liquid Funds for emergency: 5L, US Stocks: 4L, NPS: 3L, PPF: 6.5L, EPF: 9.5L, Cash: 3.5L, Real Estate: 15L I invest about 25k to MF SIP monthly, 12k to PPF. Moreover, I will get ~15L per year in stocks after tax from my current company as RSUs. Last year, I have taken a home loan of 60L for 30 years to build a duplex at my hometown, EMI is around 45k per month. I’ve bought term insurance of 2cr and have 10L of health insurance for myself and parents from my company. Having major medical expenses for my ailing dad since last year, as insurance doesn’t cover all expenses. I want to retire as early as possible. Can you please help me suggest detailed retirement planning around the age of 40-45. Lastly, shall I payoff my home loan amount early with my RSU money? Or keep investing that lump sum amount rather than closing the home loan earlier? Thanks in anticipation.

Ans: Current Financial Overview

At 28, you have a good salary of Rs 1.7L per month. Your investments are well-diversified. Here's a summary:

Stocks: Rs 4L

Mutual Funds: Rs 12L

Liquid Funds: Rs 5L

US Stocks: Rs 4L

NPS: Rs 3L

PPF: Rs 6.5L

EPF: Rs 9.5L

Cash: Rs 3.5L

Real Estate: Rs 15L

You have a home loan of Rs 60L with an EMI of Rs 45,000. You invest Rs 25,000 monthly in mutual funds and Rs 12,000 in PPF. Your company grants you RSUs worth about Rs 15L per year post-tax.

Your insurance coverage includes a Rs 2 crore term plan and a Rs 10L health insurance from your company for you and your parents. You are incurring significant medical expenses for your father.

Financial Goals and Retirement Planning

You want to retire between 40 and 45. Early retirement needs careful planning and disciplined saving. Here are detailed steps:

1. Prioritize Emergency Fund

Enhance Emergency Fund: Your current emergency fund is Rs 5L. Aim for at least 6-12 months of expenses.

Medical Contingency Fund: Given your father's medical needs, set aside additional funds specifically for medical emergencies.

2. Review Insurance Coverage

Health Insurance: Your current coverage is Rs 10L. Consider a top-up health insurance plan. It covers expenses that your current policy might not.

Term Insurance: Ensure your Rs 2 crore term insurance is sufficient. Factor in liabilities like your home loan and future family needs.

3. Home Loan Management

Assess Early Repayment: Your RSUs worth Rs 15L per year can be used to pay off your home loan. Consider the interest rate on your loan versus potential investment returns.

Balance Investments and Debt: If your investment returns are higher than your loan interest, continue investing. Otherwise, prioritize loan repayment.

4. Optimize Investments

Mutual Funds: Continue your SIPs of Rs 25,000 monthly. Consider increasing the SIP amount gradually.

Diversification: Ensure your mutual fund portfolio includes a mix of large-cap, mid-cap, and small-cap funds. This reduces risk.

Avoid Index Funds: Index funds have lower returns compared to actively managed funds. Stick to actively managed funds for better performance.

5. Future RSU Strategy

RSU Utilization: Use your annual RSU proceeds wisely. Allocate a portion towards your home loan and the rest towards diversified investments.

Tax Efficiency: Plan your RSU sales to minimize tax liability. Consult a tax advisor for optimized tax strategies.

6. Long-Term Investments

PPF and NPS: Continue your contributions to PPF and NPS. They offer tax benefits and secure returns.

Equity Exposure: Maintain a healthy exposure to equities. They provide higher returns over the long term.

Direct Funds: Avoid direct mutual funds. Invest through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) for expert advice and better fund management.

7. Retirement Corpus Calculation

Estimate Retirement Needs: Calculate your expected monthly expenses post-retirement. Factor in inflation and lifestyle changes.

Corpus Requirement: Aim to build a retirement corpus that can generate enough monthly income. Typically, this could be 20-25 times your annual expenses.

Investment Strategy: Post-retirement, shift to a mix of conservative and moderate risk investments. Consider balanced funds and debt funds for steady income.

8. Additional Income Streams

Rental Income: If your real estate can generate rental income, factor this into your retirement planning.

Side Income: Explore side income opportunities that can supplement your savings.

9. Continuous Review and Adjustment

Regular Review: Review your financial plan annually. Adjust based on changes in income, expenses, and financial goals.

Consult a CFP: Work with a Certified Financial Planner for ongoing advice. They help optimize your portfolio and ensure you're on track to meet your goals.

Final Insights

You are on a good path with your diversified investments and insurance coverages. Focus on enhancing your emergency fund, optimizing investments, and strategically managing your home loan and RSUs. Regular reviews and adjustments will ensure you stay on track for early retirement. Consulting a Certified Financial Planner will provide expert guidance to achieve your financial goals efficiently.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Asked by Anonymous - Apr 14, 2024Hindi
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Hello sir, I am 42 years old and want to retire by age of 55. My current savings is 303L in EPF. 307L in equity, 9.6L in nps. Investment I does as follows 1. Epf - 45000 by employer and same contribution by me as well which combined around 90000/- 2. 27000/- monthly sip , Nippon small cap 6000, axis small cap 6000, quant infrastructure fund 6000/-, quant small cap 6000/-l miarae asset blue chi large cap 3000/- all started very soon having corpus of 4L as of today. 3. Investing 25000/- in nps monthly. 4. Around 50k monthly in equity I have a liability of 50L home loan which I have planned to get rid off by 2028. I have another home loan which will be closed by end of 2025. I have a daughter which is doing CA and for marriage it will be required around 1 cr. I have a son who are going to persue medical which will cost me 50-75L. How I can plan my retirement to get atleast 3L monthly by age of 55. My current monthly take home salary is 3L around.
Ans: Given your goal to retire by 55 with a monthly income of ?3L, you have a comprehensive plan with a mix of investments and savings. Here's a suggested strategy:

EPF: Continue the contribution as it offers tax benefits and stable returns.

SIPs: Your SIPs in small and large-cap funds are good for growth. Consider adding a diversified equity fund for balance. Monitor and rebalance annually.

NPS: Since you're investing ?25,000 monthly, ensure you choose the auto-choice option for a balanced allocation between equity, corporate bonds, and government securities.

Home Loans: Prioritize closing the higher interest rate loan first while maintaining EMIs for both.

Children’s Education and Marriage: Start separate SIPs or investments earmarked for these goals to reach 1 cr for your daughter's marriage and 50-75L for your son's medical studies.

Emergency Fund: Maintain an emergency fund of at least 6 months' expenses.

Retirement Corpus: Aim to build a corpus that can generate ?3L/month. Based on a conservative estimate, a corpus of around ?6-7 crores by 55 might be needed. Regularly review and adjust your investments to align with this target.

Professional Advice: Consult a financial advisor to fine-tune your plan and ensure you're on track to meet your retirement and other financial goals.

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Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6287 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 28, 2024Hindi
Money
I am 50, my investments are around 1 cr across MF, stocks, bonds, market linked policies. I have one house as invesrment evaluated at 1 cr and giving me rent of 35k per month. In addition I have 100k USD retirement fund and around 10K USD in company stocks. Liabilities are house loan, 70k per month till year 2028. Two kids, one getting into college next year and other in another 8 years. My monthly expenses are around 2 lakhs apart from house loan. I have term insurance of 2 cr, medical insurance of 1 cr yearly. What should be plan to retire early, say around 55 years
Ans: Retiring Early: A Roadmap for Financial Independence at 55

Congratulations on your substantial progress towards financial security. At 50, you have a robust investment portfolio, a rental property, and a solid retirement fund. Planning to retire at 55 requires a strategic approach to ensure financial independence and stability. Let's explore the key aspects of your financial plan.

1. Evaluating Your Current Financial Position
You have investments worth Rs 1 crore across various financial instruments. Additionally, your house, valued at Rs 1 crore, generates Rs 35,000 in monthly rental income.

Your retirement fund stands at $100,000, and you have $10,000 in company stocks. These assets provide a strong foundation for your retirement planning.

Your liabilities include a house loan with a monthly payment of Rs 70,000 until 2028. Managing this debt is crucial to your early retirement plan.

2. Assessing Monthly Expenses and Liabilities
Your monthly expenses are around Rs 2 lakhs, excluding the house loan. This includes living expenses, children's education, and other necessities. Understanding and managing these expenses is vital for your retirement strategy.

The house loan, with Rs 70,000 monthly payments, will continue until 2028. This is a significant financial commitment that needs careful handling.

3. Education Funding for Children
One child will enter college next year, and the other in eight years. Education costs will impact your financial planning. Ensuring adequate funds for their education without compromising your retirement goals is essential.

4. Insurance Coverage
You have a term insurance policy worth Rs 2 crores and medical insurance of Rs 1 crore annually. These provide financial protection for your family in case of unforeseen events.

5. Investment Strategy for Growth and Stability
To retire at 55, you need a well-balanced investment strategy that ensures growth and stability. Here are key considerations:

a. Diversification and Risk Management
Diversifying your portfolio across different asset classes is essential. This reduces risk and enhances returns. Ensure your investments in mutual funds, stocks, and bonds are well-balanced.

b. Active Management vs. Index Funds
Active management involves professional oversight, aiming to outperform the market. This can be beneficial compared to index funds, which simply track market indices. Actively managed funds may provide better returns, especially in volatile markets.

c. Regular Funds vs. Direct Funds
Investing through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) can offer several advantages. CFPs provide personalized advice, helping you choose the best funds for your goals. Regular funds, managed by professionals, can be more beneficial than direct funds due to expert guidance.

6. Rental Income and Real Estate
Your rental property provides a steady income of Rs 35,000 per month. This can supplement your retirement income. However, real estate can be illiquid, so relying solely on it is not advisable.

7. Debt Management
Paying off your house loan before retirement is crucial. This will reduce your financial burden and free up cash flow for other needs. Consider allocating a portion of your investments to accelerate loan repayment.

8. Emergency Fund
Maintaining an emergency fund is essential. This should cover at least six months of your expenses. It provides a safety net for unforeseen expenses without dipping into your retirement corpus.

9. Retirement Corpus Calculation
Estimate the corpus needed to sustain your lifestyle post-retirement. Consider factors like inflation, healthcare costs, and life expectancy. A Certified Financial Planner can help you calculate this accurately.

10. Withdrawal Strategy
Develop a withdrawal strategy for your retirement funds. This ensures you have a steady income stream throughout retirement. Systematic Withdrawal Plans (SWPs) in mutual funds can be a good option.

11. Estate Planning
Plan for the distribution of your assets. This ensures your family is financially secure after your demise. A well-structured will and estate plan is necessary.

12. Monitoring and Reviewing
Regularly review your financial plan. Adjust your strategy based on changes in your financial situation and market conditions. A Certified Financial Planner can provide ongoing advice and adjustments.

Conclusion
Retiring at 55 is achievable with careful planning and disciplined execution. Your substantial assets, combined with a strategic approach, can ensure a comfortable and secure retirement. Keep diversifying your investments, manage your debts wisely, and seek professional advice to navigate your financial journey.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

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Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6287 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 13, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 13, 2024Hindi
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I am 55. My son is a doctor and pursuing his master's in general surgery in a govt college. My wife is working in a govt organisation. We have own house and no loan. I have savings of about ?1Cr in PF and about ?30 lacs each in NPS and a superannuation scheme from my company. Apart from this, ? 20 lacs worth mutual funds units and same amount in FDs and RDs is invested. I have also invested directly in shares of Blue chip as well as mid and small cap companies. The invested amount is about ?2.0 Cr/- with an enhanced market value at present. My query is that I wish to retire now. In 2-3 months. The future expenditure is my son's higher studies and marriage apart from my health related expenses if any. My wife may or may not continue to work. How should I plan now?
Ans: Assessing Your Financial Position
You have a solid financial foundation with diverse investments. This is commendable, as diversification is crucial for financial security. Your portfolio includes provident fund (PF), national pension system (NPS), superannuation scheme, mutual funds, fixed deposits (FDs), recurring deposits (RDs), and direct equity investments. This mix provides a balance between growth potential and capital protection.

Current Investments Breakdown
Provident Fund (PF): Rs 1 crore
National Pension System (NPS): Rs 30 lakh
Superannuation Scheme: Rs 30 lakh
Mutual Funds: Rs 20 lakh
Fixed Deposits (FDs) and Recurring Deposits (RDs): Rs 20 lakh
Direct Equity Investments: Rs 2 crore (current market value)
Retirement Readiness
At 55, retiring in the next 2-3 months is a significant decision. Let's analyze if your current assets can support your retirement goals and future expenditures. You mentioned your future expenses include your son's higher studies and marriage, as well as potential health-related costs.

Future Expenditure Considerations
Son's Higher Studies: Ensure you allocate sufficient funds for his education. Government medical colleges are relatively affordable, but higher studies may require a substantial amount.
Son's Marriage: Plan for the associated expenses. Cultural norms and personal preferences will dictate this budget.
Health-Related Expenses: As you age, healthcare costs may increase. Ensure you have a robust health insurance policy and an emergency fund for unexpected medical expenses.
Income Generation Post-Retirement
Your investments must generate enough income to cover your living expenses and the additional future costs mentioned. Let's evaluate the potential income from your existing investments.

Provident Fund (PF)
The provident fund is a secure investment, providing steady returns. Consider partially withdrawing from your PF as needed, while letting the remaining amount grow. This strategy can provide liquidity without sacrificing growth.

National Pension System (NPS)
NPS is designed to provide a regular pension post-retirement. Upon retirement, you can withdraw a portion of your NPS corpus and invest the remaining in an annuity to receive regular monthly income. However, avoid recommending annuities as an investment option due to limited flexibility and lower returns.

Superannuation Scheme
Similar to NPS, superannuation schemes offer regular payouts post-retirement. Evaluate the terms of your superannuation scheme and plan withdrawals to complement other income sources.

Mutual Funds
Mutual funds offer growth potential and liquidity. Actively managed funds, guided by professional fund managers, can outperform the market, making them a valuable part of your portfolio. Continue investing through a Certified Financial Planner to ensure optimal fund selection and management.

Fixed Deposits (FDs) and Recurring Deposits (RDs)
FDs and RDs provide stability and guaranteed returns. They are excellent for preserving capital but may not beat inflation. Use these investments for short-term needs and emergency funds.

Direct Equity Investments
Your direct equity investments in blue-chip, mid-cap, and small-cap companies have substantial growth potential. Regularly review and rebalance this portfolio to align with market conditions and your risk tolerance. Consult a Certified Financial Planner for strategic management.

Strategic Withdrawal Plan
To ensure your funds last throughout retirement, develop a strategic withdrawal plan. Here are key steps to consider:

Create a Budget: Outline your monthly expenses and anticipated future costs. Include living expenses, healthcare, and discretionary spending.
Prioritize Withdrawals: Withdraw from lower-yield, stable investments first (like FDs and RDs), preserving higher-growth investments (like mutual funds and equities) for long-term needs.
Maintain an Emergency Fund: Set aside 6-12 months of expenses in a highly liquid account to cover unexpected costs.
Health Insurance: Ensure you have comprehensive health insurance coverage to mitigate healthcare costs.
Review Regularly: Periodically review and adjust your withdrawal strategy with a Certified Financial Planner to stay aligned with changing circumstances and market conditions.
Risk Management
Retirement planning involves managing various risks, such as market volatility, inflation, and unexpected expenses. Here are strategies to mitigate these risks:

Diversification: Maintain a diversified portfolio to spread risk across different asset classes.
Inflation Protection: Invest in assets that offer returns above inflation, such as equities and actively managed mutual funds.
Regular Reviews: Conduct regular portfolio reviews with your Certified Financial Planner to adjust your strategy based on market conditions and personal needs.
Emergency Fund: Keep an emergency fund to handle unforeseen expenses without disrupting your investment strategy.
Tax Planning
Effective tax planning can enhance your retirement corpus. Here are some tax-saving strategies:

Tax-Efficient Withdrawals: Plan your withdrawals from different investment accounts in a tax-efficient manner. Withdraw from tax-exempt sources first.
Utilize Deductions: Make use of available tax deductions under sections like 80C, 80D, etc.
Reinvest Returns: Reinvest returns from investments to take advantage of compounding and tax deferral.
Consult a Tax Expert: Work with a tax expert to ensure you are maximizing tax benefits and staying compliant with tax laws.
Estate Planning
Estate planning ensures your assets are distributed according to your wishes after your demise. Here are steps for effective estate planning:

Draft a Will: Ensure you have a legally valid will that clearly outlines the distribution of your assets.
Nominate Beneficiaries: Ensure all your financial accounts and insurance policies have updated nominee information.
Power of Attorney: Appoint a trusted person to handle your financial affairs if you become incapacitated.
Trusts: Consider setting up trusts for managing and protecting your assets.
Involving Your Family
Involving your family in financial planning ensures they are aware of your financial situation and wishes. Here are ways to involve them:

Open Communication: Discuss your financial plans and decisions with your wife and son.
Financial Literacy: Educate your family about managing finances, investments, and the importance of financial planning.
Joint Decisions: Make major financial decisions jointly to ensure alignment and support.
Succession Planning: Prepare your son to handle finances and investments in the future.
Reviewing Insurance Coverage
Adequate insurance coverage is crucial for protecting your family’s financial well-being. Here are key insurance types to review:

Health Insurance: Ensure you and your wife have comprehensive health insurance to cover medical expenses.
Life Insurance: Review your life insurance policies to ensure they provide adequate coverage for your family’s needs.
Home Insurance: Protect your home and valuable possessions with appropriate home insurance.
Lifestyle Considerations
Retirement is not just about financial security; it’s also about enjoying your time. Here are lifestyle considerations:

Hobbies and Interests: Engage in activities and hobbies that you enjoy and find fulfilling.
Travel Plans: Plan for travel and leisure activities within your budget.
Volunteering: Consider volunteering or engaging in community service for personal satisfaction.
Health and Wellness: Focus on maintaining good health through regular exercise, a balanced diet, and preventive healthcare.
Final Insights
You are in a strong financial position to retire, given your diversified investments and substantial assets. Proper planning and strategic management of your portfolio will ensure a comfortable and secure retirement. Collaborate with a Certified Financial Planner to fine-tune your strategy, manage risks, and make informed decisions. By addressing future expenses, healthcare needs, and maintaining a balanced lifestyle, you can enjoy a fulfilling retirement.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

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I am 24-year-old salaried person. Monthly salary is 80k. I want to diversify 40k every month in large, mid and small cap mutual funds. Which plans should I choose? Please help as I am new to mutual funds.
Ans: To diversify your monthly salary of 40k into large, mid, and small-cap mutual funds, here are some options you can consider:

Large-Cap Mutual Funds:

• HDFC Large Cap Fund: This fund invests in large-cap companies with a proven track record. It has a consistent performance and is suitable for investors seeking capital appreciation.
• Axis Long Term Equity Fund: This fund aims to generate long-term capital growth by investing in a diversified portfolio of large-cap companies. It has a good track record and is suitable for investors with a long-term investment horizon.

Mid-Cap Mutual Funds:

• Kotak Emerging Equity Fund: This fund invests in mid-cap companies with the potential to outperform the market. It has a strong investment team and a good track record.
• Mirae Asset Mid Cap Fund: This fund focuses on mid-cap companies with growth potential. It has a diversified portfolio and a good risk-adjusted return.

Small-Cap Mutual Funds:

• Franklin Templeton Small Cap Fund: This fund invests in small-cap companies with high growth potential. It has a good track record and is suitable for investors with a higher risk appetite.
• ICICI Prudential Small Cap Fund: This fund invests in small-cap companies with the potential to generate significant returns. It has a diversified portfolio and a good risk-adjusted return.

Note:

• Investment Horizon: Consider your investment horizon before choosing funds. Small-cap funds typically have higher volatility, so they may not be suitable for short-term investments.
• Risk Tolerance: Assess your risk tolerance before investing. Large-cap funds are generally less volatile than mid-cap and small-cap funds.
• Diversification: Diversifying your investments across different asset classes and fund houses can help reduce risk.
• Regular Review: Regularly review your investments and make necessary adjustments based on your financial goals and market conditions.

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• Start SIP: Consider starting a Systematic Investment Plan (SIP) to invest a fixed amount every month. This helps discipline your investments and average out the cost of purchase.
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Remember, investing in mutual funds involves risks, and past performance is not indicative of future results. It's important to do thorough research or consult with a financial advisor before making any investment decisions.

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |296 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Sep 13, 2024

Relationship
6monsth back I started talking to one of my colleague, he is attractive by his nature. Almost everyone likes him. he is intelligent, funny, etc.... In calls he used to tell me about his family, his friends, his thoughts, also about the girl (Aliya) whom he liked a lot for 6years (they belong to same village), but she rejected and told that he is her friend only. He told her that he may get feelings for her if they both remained as friends, so better stop talking. But she insisted that they both need to be friends and continue talking. I felt like may be she needed emotional support that's why she insisted. After coming to Jaipur, Aliya started talking to another man named Jitesh. But my colleague used to feel like a third wheel and started keeping distance. Then also she told that they are just friends and he need not distant himself. She always wanted him to give her the first priority. He also feared that she might get upset if he don't give her 1st priority. They used to talk a lot on phone and share everything. One day he brought her to our bay where we both used to sit and work. that day I really felt like I was a third wheel. I felt very bad.. cried for few days. And decided not to talk to him from then on because I didn't want to cry anymore. But he kept trying to have a talk with me. One day he almost cried because I was ignoring him. I couldn't see him like that and also I felt guilt about my behaviour(my intention was not to hurt him but to save my tears). I couldn't help but starting talking to him. He used to mention to me whenever he used to talk to her. and everytime I used to feel very bad. We started talking a lot after few weeks. Whenever I didn't receive proper response from him I used to become very anxious waiting for his reply and cried a lot. But when he starts talking again I used to feel normal. I never wanted to get into relationships, so everytime I used to tell him directly or indirectly about it. But still he continued to talk to me. One day he called me and said that Aliya is in love with Jitesh. He said being a friend he is very happy for her but after sometime he also said that if you also love someone I will stop talking with you also. I understand that he is little sad that he cannot talk to Aliya as he used to talk before because she is in love with someone else. We continued to talk and kept talking a lot. One day I felt like I am too much emotionally getting connected to him and felt like these long talks need to stop. So I asked him saying that I didn't get clarity. Then he opened up and proposed me. I thought for a day and I felt he is also a good person and said yes to him. Then on he became my world. Then on he started talking little less with other girls. One day Aliya called him saying that Jitesh had an incident where everyone thought he was drowned but he came back safely. She needed emotional support and asked him to come to office. She also said she that one of her colleagues didn't bring lunch and she don't have enough food to give her so she asked my colleague to prepare some food and bring it to office. At first my colleague said no thinking of me but Aliya convinced him emotionally saying that will you leave friends if you get a girlfriend and so he prepared lunch and took it to office. That day when he told me all these I felt devastated, I felt really insecured and cried a lot that is our first fight regarding her. He told me that if you say no I will stop talking to her. She again called and asked my colleague that what was my reaction for all these... he kept silent she guessed what might have happened and told that I understand how she might have felt and will not ask him to bring food to office anytime. Then on fights started increasing between us regarding her. whenever we three had a conversation i felt like thirdwheel and felt he is showing more attention towards her, more care towards her. again a fight. Like that fights started increasing. At first he used to listen to me, but after some days he started saying like my thinking is wrong. I even told him how much I cried but he didn't bothered. I never wanted to break their friendship so I never wanted to ask him to stop talking(even though he gave me that option). I only wanted him to give me my importance but I still feel he shows equal care to both of us. Then how am I different? Later on in our every fight, he started supporting her this gave me more pain. One day he said If I leave her for you, then I may leave you for someone else, that is not my character( this is contrary to what he said previously 'I will stop talking to her if i don't want to'). I cried a lot, I don't have much friends I couldn't share this with anyone.... every moment he is only coming to my thoughts and whenever fights happen due to Aliya, I get disturbed a lot... unable to concentrate on my work... not getting interest to do anything. One day out of anger I said just stop talking to her then his expressions totally changed he became hesistant , he became very sad and said I need sometime and don't know how much( his expression is contrary to what he said 'It doesn't bother me much If I don't talk to Aliya' ). He is that much emotionally connected to her. After 5mins I pinged him saying that I am feeling very guilt about the decision and ask him not to stop talking to her. I understood finally that he still thinks I am wrong and I am tired of fighting. One day when I was very emotional I told him that I will no more bring Aliya topic in our discussion and asked him to do whatever he wants. After this, Whenever Aliya calls him or he call her he used to tell me... sometimes I felt very bad... sometimes I tried to ignore as if it didn't bothered me but didn't start any argument with him. After few days he even stopped telling me if she called him or not also. When he was not telling about Aliya's conversations I thought he understood my feelings and reduced talking with her. but one time accidently my colleague's friend told about the small conversation that my colleague and Aliya had, that's how I came to know that they had a conversation but he didn't tell me. I felt very bad, really very bad... again unable to concentrate on work feel like crying all the time... I can't ask him to stop talking to her because I don't like to do so and also afraid of having negative impression on me in my colleague's mind. at the same time, I feel very very bad whenever they meet or have a call or does something together. I cannot discuss with him about this anymore. what shall i do, this is bothering me a lot and also having effect on my career, peace and life. please suggest. I am ready to correct myself if there is anything wrong from my end. And I can surely say that If i have a boy bestfriend then he would definitely not feel comfortable and will get upset.
Ans: Dear Jia,

When two people enter a relationship, both must try to make each other feel comfortable. If you are uncomfortable with your partner speaking to his friend, who is also his ex-crush, it is perfectly normal for you to voice it. And reading your question I understood that he has repeatedly mentioned that he had feelings for her, and even wanted to sever ties because staying in touch could only further ignite those feelings. I don't see how you are wrong in letting him know that you don't like their interactions. Plus, in a healthy relationship, the partner comes first. Not friends, especially not this kind of friendship.

Just understand that you are not wrong. Even if his intentions are pure and he looks at her like a friend, you have every right to express your feelings. You made no unreasonable demand. She wasn't "just" a friend; she was always more than that, and being insecure about something like that is not uncommon.

The only thing to do right now is to tell your boyfriend that you understand that the friendship is important but you deserve someone who can pick you over everything- obviously, reasonable things. See what he does. And please remember, you actually deserve someone who would pick you. This is not an ultimatum; it's the truth.

Best Wishes.

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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