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Trapped in Debt: Civil Engineer with 91k Salary Seeks Advice

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7167 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 16, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Prashant Question by Prashant on Jul 09, 2024Hindi
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I am a Civil engineer working in esteemed Construction Company of the country having 11 years of experience. My current take home salary is 91,000 and due to some experiences of my life all my decision went bad and I have to pay almost 80 percent of my salary into Personal loan EMIs. I have exhausted the amount which is got from my last organization which was around 2 lakhs and I am running into huge trouble with almost no savings. I am living with my wife and 9 month old baby boy. I am Trapped in debt. How should I come of from this? Anyone please guide.

Ans: You're a Civil Engineer with significant experience, facing a tough financial situation. Here's a holistic approach to tackle your debt:

Assessing the Debt Situation
Understand the total debt burden and prioritize repayments.
Evaluate personal loan terms and conditions for possible restructuring.
Managing Current Expenses
Budget meticulously to cover essential expenses for your family.
Minimize discretionary spending to allocate more towards debt repayment.
Maximizing Income Opportunities
Explore opportunities for additional income leveraging your engineering skills.
Consider freelance projects or consulting work to boost earnings.
Debt Repayment Strategy
Focus on paying off high-interest loans first to reduce overall interest burden.
Negotiate with lenders for feasible repayment schedules or interest rate reductions.
Emergency Fund Creation
Start building an emergency fund gradually, even with small amounts.
Ensure it covers at least 3-6 months' worth of living expenses.
Family Financial Security
Review insurance coverage for health and life to protect against unforeseen events.
Plan for your child's future needs, such as education and upbringing costs.
Long-Term Financial Planning
Once debt is under control, prioritize systematic savings and investments.
Avoid high-risk investments; opt for diversified options suited to your risk tolerance.
Final Insights
By strategically managing your debts, expenses, and income, you can gradually regain financial stability. Seek professional advice if needed to tailor a plan that fits your specific circumstances.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7167 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 02, 2024

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Sir my monthly salary is 28000 and I took a personal loan of 5lacs last year and I have credit card also but with my daily expenses I couldn't pay the total emis and bills so I took some credit from cred application it's almost 3lacs and now I'm unable to pay any of them as my salary is very low to pay so many emis I can't stop thinking about all this I'm facing anxiety and depression due to debts. I want to come out of this debt and get clean from all this problem. I want to save money and live a normal life. I couldn't share it with anyone also. My father us retired and he couldn't help me.
Ans: I'm truly sorry to hear about the challenges you're facing with your debts, and I understand how overwhelming and stressful it can be. Please know that you're not alone, and there are steps you can take to work towards financial stability and peace of mind.

Assess Your Debts: Start by listing out all your debts, including personal loans, credit card dues, and any other outstanding amounts. Understanding the total amount owed and the interest rates associated with each debt is the first step towards managing them effectively.
Create a Budget: Evaluate your monthly income and expenses to create a realistic budget. Prioritize essential expenses such as food, rent, and utilities, and allocate any remaining funds towards debt repayment.
Communicate with Creditors: Reach out to your creditors to discuss your financial situation and explore options for repayment. They may be willing to negotiate a payment plan or offer assistance programs to help you manage your debts.
Explore Debt Consolidation: Consider consolidating your debts into a single loan with a lower interest rate, if possible. This can simplify your repayment process and potentially reduce the overall amount you owe.
Seek Professional Help: If you're feeling overwhelmed or unsure about how to proceed, consider seeking assistance from a financial counselor or debt management agency. They can provide guidance, support, and practical strategies for managing your debts and improving your financial situation.
Take Care of Your Mental Health: Remember to prioritize your mental health during this challenging time. Practice self-care techniques such as exercise, meditation, or talking to a trusted friend or therapist to help alleviate anxiety and depression associated with financial stress.
Lastly, please know that it's okay to ask for help, and reaching out for support is a positive step towards regaining control of your finances and your life. You have the strength and resilience to overcome these challenges, and with determination and perseverance, you can work towards a brighter financial future.

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7167 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Aug 22, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 15, 2024Hindi
Money
Sir my monthly salary is 20625 and I took a personal loan of 300000 lacs multiple loan app last 2 year and I have credit card also but with my daily expenses I couldn't pay the total emis and bills so I took some credit from cred application it's almost 100000 lacs and now I'm unable to pay any of them as my salary is very low to pay so many emis I can't stop thinking about all this I'm facing anxiety and depression due to debts. I want to come out of this debt and get clean from all this problem. I want to save money and live a normal life. I couldn't share it with anyone also. My father us retired and he couldn't help me.
Ans: You’re facing a tough financial challenge, and it’s understandable. Managing multiple loans and credit card debts on a low salary is stressful. You’ve taken a loan of Rs. 3,00,000 and additional credit of Rs. 1,00,000, leading to overwhelming EMIs. Your daily expenses make it hard to manage these debts, causing anxiety and depression. Let's explore a plan to get you out of this situation and towards financial stability.

Prioritising Mental Health
First and foremost, your mental health is crucial. Financial stress can take a heavy toll. Please know that you’re not alone, and it’s okay to seek help. Talking to a trusted friend, family member, or professional can ease the burden. Remember, mental well-being is as important as financial stability.

Assessing Your Debts
Let’s break down your debts:

Personal Loans: Rs. 3,00,000
Credit Card Debt: Rs. 1,00,000
Your total debt stands at Rs. 4,00,000. Given your monthly salary of Rs. 20,625, this debt load is unsustainable. The first step is to understand the exact EMIs and interest rates associated with each loan and credit card.

Creating a Debt Repayment Plan
1. List All Debts

Write down all your debts with their respective EMIs, interest rates, and remaining balances. This helps you see the full picture.

2. Prioritise High-Interest Debts

Focus on paying off high-interest debts first, usually credit cards. These debts grow faster due to high interest, making them harder to repay if not tackled early.

3. Debt Consolidation

If possible, consolidate your loans. This means combining all your loans into one with a lower interest rate. It simplifies repayment and reduces the overall interest burden. Contact your bank for options. They may offer a consolidation loan.

4. Negotiate with Creditors

Approach your creditors and explain your situation. Sometimes, they can offer reduced EMIs, lower interest rates, or extend the loan tenure. This can ease your monthly payment burden.

5. Avoid Taking More Loans

It’s crucial to stop borrowing more money. Avoid any more personal loans or credit. Taking more loans will only worsen your financial situation.

6. Automate Payments

Set up automatic payments for your EMIs. This ensures that you don’t miss payments and incur late fees, which add to your debt.

Cutting Down Expenses
1. Create a Budget

List your essential expenses—rent, groceries, utilities—and allocate your salary accordingly. See where you can cut down unnecessary spending.

2. Reduce Discretionary Spending

Limit spending on non-essentials like dining out, entertainment, and shopping. Redirect this money towards paying off your debt.

3. Focus on Essentials

Stick to spending on essentials only. Avoid any luxury purchases until your financial situation improves.

Exploring Additional Income Sources
1. Part-Time Work

Consider taking up part-time or freelance work. Even a few extra hours a week can significantly increase your income, helping you pay off debts faster.

2. Sell Unnecessary Assets

If you have items at home that you no longer need—gadgets, furniture, etc.—consider selling them. The extra money can be used to pay off debts.

3. Rent Out Space

If you have extra space in your home, consider renting it out. This could bring in additional income to help with debt repayment.

Building an Emergency Fund
Even while paying off debts, it’s essential to build a small emergency fund. Start with a goal of Rs. 5,000. This fund is for unexpected expenses, so you don’t need to rely on credit cards or loans in emergencies.

Planning for the Future
1. Start Small Savings

Once you’ve stabilised your debt situation, start saving a small portion of your income. Even Rs. 500 a month can make a difference over time.

2. Invest Wisely

When you’re ready, consider investing in mutual funds through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP). Start with small SIPs. These offer better returns than traditional savings methods like FDs.

3. Focus on Long-Term Goals

Think about your long-term financial goals—buying a house, retirement, etc. Start planning for these once your debts are under control.

Final Insights
You’ve acknowledged your financial difficulties, which is the first step toward solving them. With a structured plan and disciplined approach, you can overcome this challenge. Focus on repaying high-interest debts first, reduce unnecessary expenses, and explore additional income sources. Building a small emergency fund and planning for future investments are also key steps.

Remember, there’s a way out of every problem. It might take time, but with persistence, you can regain control over your finances and live a stress-free life.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7167 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 06, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 20, 2024Hindi
Money
Sir my monthly salary is 20625 and I took a personal loan of 300000 lacs multiple loan app last 2 year and I have credit card also but with my daily expenses I couldn't pay the total emis and bills so I took some credit from cred application it's almost 1 lacs and now I'm unable to pay any of them as my salary is very low to pay so many emis I can't stop thinking about all this I'm facing anxiety and depression due to debts. I want to come out of this debt and get clean from all this problem. I want to save money and live a normal life. I couldn't share it with anyone also. My father us retired and he couldn't help me.
Ans: I truly understand how stressful financial difficulties can be. It's commendable that you're seeking help to resolve your debts and plan for a better future. Let's develop a comprehensive strategy to tackle your debts and set you on the path to financial stability.

Understanding Your Financial Situation
Firstly, it’s crucial to understand the full picture of your financial situation. Here’s what we know:

Monthly salary: Rs. 20,625
Personal loan: Rs. 3,00,000
Additional credit: Rs. 1,00,000
Total debt: Rs. 4,00,000
Monthly expenses are high, making it difficult to pay EMIs and bills.
Emotional and Mental Well-being
Debt and financial stress can lead to anxiety and depression. It's important to take care of your mental health. Try to talk to a trusted friend or family member about your situation. Sometimes, sharing your burden can make it feel lighter. Professional counseling can also be very helpful.

Immediate Steps to Manage Debt
1. Create a Detailed Budget
List all your monthly income and expenses. This will help you see where your money is going and identify areas where you can cut costs.

2. Prioritize Essential Expenses
Ensure that your basic needs such as food, rent, and utilities are covered first. Allocate funds for these before paying off debts.

3. Negotiate with Creditors
Contact your lenders and explain your situation. They might be willing to restructure your loans or provide a more manageable repayment plan. Some may even offer a temporary reduction in payments.

4. Avoid Taking More Loans
Stop taking new loans or using credit cards. This will only add to your debt and make the situation worse.

Debt Repayment Strategies
1. Debt Consolidation
Consider consolidating all your debts into one loan with a lower interest rate. This can simplify your payments and reduce the overall interest you pay.

2. Debt Snowball Method
Focus on paying off the smallest debts first while making minimum payments on larger ones. Once a small debt is cleared, move on to the next smallest. This method gives you a psychological boost as you see debts being eliminated.

3. Debt Avalanche Method
Prioritize paying off the debt with the highest interest rate first while making minimum payments on others. This method reduces the total interest you pay over time.

Boosting Your Income
1. Part-time Jobs or Freelancing
Look for opportunities to earn extra income through part-time jobs or freelancing. Even a small additional income can help reduce your debt faster.

2. Sell Unused Items
Consider selling items you no longer need. This can provide a quick influx of cash to put towards your debts.

Long-term Financial Planning
Once your immediate debts are under control, focus on building a stable financial future.

1. Emergency Fund
Start building an emergency fund to cover 3-6 months of expenses. This will provide a cushion for unexpected financial challenges.

2. Systematic Savings Plan
Begin saving a small portion of your income regularly. Even a small amount can grow over time through disciplined saving.

3. Avoid Unnecessary Spending
Be mindful of your spending habits. Prioritize needs over wants and avoid impulse purchases.

Investment Planning
After stabilizing your financial situation, consider investing to grow your wealth. Here's a simple guide on different investment options.

1. Mutual Funds
Mutual funds pool money from many investors to purchase securities. They offer diversification and professional management.

Equity Funds: Invest in stocks, providing high returns but with higher risk.
Debt Funds: Invest in bonds, offering stable returns with lower risk.
Hybrid Funds: Combine equity and debt, balancing risk and return.
2. Power of Compounding
Investing early allows you to benefit from compounding, where your earnings generate more earnings. This can significantly grow your wealth over time.

Disadvantages of Index Funds
Index funds aim to replicate the performance of a market index. Here are some drawbacks:

Lack of Flexibility: Cannot adapt to market changes.
Market Risk: Entirely exposed to market fluctuations.
Lower Returns: Often underperform actively managed funds.
Benefits of Actively Managed Funds
Actively managed funds are managed by professionals who make investment decisions to outperform the market.

Flexibility: Managers can adapt to market changes.
Potential for Higher Returns: Aim to beat the market.
Risk Management: Professional managers can mitigate risks.
Disadvantages of Direct Funds
Direct funds have no intermediary, potentially saving costs but have drawbacks:

Lack of Guidance: No professional advice.
Time-Consuming: Requires active management and monitoring.
Higher Risk: Without expert guidance, risk of poor decisions increases.
Benefits of Regular Funds Through CFP
Investing through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) offers numerous advantages:

Professional Advice: Expert guidance on fund selection and portfolio management.
Regular Monitoring: Continuous review and adjustments to optimize returns.
Tailored Portfolio: Customized investment strategy to meet your specific goals.
Tax Planning
Effective tax planning can enhance your savings and investment returns.

1. Utilize Tax Deductions
Maximize deductions under sections like 80C through investments in PPF, ELSS, and other eligible instruments.

2. Health Insurance
Premiums paid for health insurance can be deducted under Section 80D, reducing your taxable income.

Estate Planning
Ensure your assets are distributed according to your wishes through proper estate planning.

1. Draft a Will
Clearly state how your assets should be distributed. This prevents legal complications and ensures your wishes are honored.

2. Appoint Nominees
Appoint nominees for your bank accounts, insurance policies, and investments. This simplifies the transfer of assets in case of your absence.

Final Insights
Financial challenges can be overwhelming, but with a structured approach, you can overcome them. Prioritize your debts, create a budget, and look for ways to boost your income. Once your debts are under control, focus on building a stable financial future through disciplined saving and investing.

Consult a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) for personalized advice and guidance. Stay disciplined, and remember, small steps can lead to significant progress.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Latest Questions
Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |415 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 28, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hello sir, we have completed 8 months of marriage and still my husband has trust issues about me, like I would have relation or contact with other person but I'm not having any relationship with anyone after marriage and even not connecting to anyone nor any ex person called or contact me from any media or app, . Since then I'm trying to clear my husbands doubt every time he asks me about it ...plzz tell me how do I make him to trust me .
Ans: The first thing to consider is that trust is something that takes time to build, and it is not something you can simply “prove” by answering his questions or explaining yourself over and over again. Trust is a process that requires consistent actions over time, and both partners need to contribute to that process. While you’re being open and transparent, it’s also important that your husband acknowledges that trust is a two-way street. He may have unresolved issues or past experiences that make it difficult for him to feel secure, and these need to be addressed if you want to move forward in a healthy way.

One of the challenges you face is the need for patience—both with him and with yourself. Reassuring your husband is important, but it’s equally important to create a space for deeper conversations about the root of his insecurities. Have you been able to sit down with him and gently ask what specifically triggers his doubts? You may want to approach this from a place of curiosity and care, without getting defensive. Understanding the underlying causes of his fears can give you both a clearer sense of how to work together to address them.

At the same time, it’s important to set emotional boundaries for yourself. While you want to support your husband, you shouldn’t feel like you need to constantly prove your loyalty or justify your actions. If you find yourself repeating the same explanations or feeling pressured to give constant reassurances, it can be emotionally draining. It’s okay to acknowledge his fears, but also to let him know that trust is something that needs to be built over time, and you need space to nurture the relationship without feeling constantly questioned.

In cases where trust issues persist despite your best efforts, it can sometimes be helpful to involve a third party, like a therapist or counselor. It may feel intimidating or unnecessary at first, but professional help can provide a neutral space for both of you to explore deeper issues—whether they are related to past experiences, emotional insecurities, or patterns of behavior. A counselor can also guide you in having more productive conversations and finding healthier ways to cope with these challenges as a couple.

Finally, remember that this process is not just about reassuring your husband, but also about protecting your own emotional wellbeing. You are not responsible for his insecurities, and while you can support him, you also deserve a relationship where you feel seen, heard, and trusted. It’s important to take care of your emotional health, too, and to know that you deserve a relationship built on mutual respect, trust, and understanding. Healing takes time, and while the journey may not be easy, with the right support and communication, it is possible for both of you to work through this.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |415 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 27, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi Kanchan, I am reaching out because I am deeply troubled and need some advice. I was involved in a relationship with a much younger woman (14 years younger) who I developed strong feelings for. We met in 2017 and our relationship deepened in June 2022, involving both emotional and physical intimacy. Unfortunately, the relationship took a negative turn. She began making financial demands and became increasingly manipulative. Over the past two years, I've given her nearly 3 lakhs [for Rent, electricity bill, Food expenses + Other expenses]. After realizing her true intentions, I stopped providing financial support. She recently informed me about a breakup with a previous long-term partner. Shockingly, she got married in February 2024 [ 14th Feb] and is now residing in Ahmedabad, Gujrat. She ran away from Kolkata after extorting money. When I confronted her about the money I had given her, she completely denied any knowledge of it and has blocked me on all social media platforms. She even threatened to share our conversations with my daughter/ relatives if I continued to contact her. I am devastated by this betrayal and the emotional turmoil it has caused. I have saved our chats and her father's address. I am considering sharing her true nature with her friends and family. Is this a wise course of action? Or are there other steps I should take? I know it is easier said than done, but I am struggling to move on from this painful experience. Please offer any guidance you can. Thank you, AS,Kolkata
Ans: it's important to recognize that your emotional pain is valid. The feelings of being manipulated, exploited, and lied to are all real, and it’s okay to mourn the loss of a relationship that you thought had value. However, as tempting as it might be to seek some form of revenge or public exposure of her actions, it’s crucial to ask yourself: what do you really hope to achieve? It’s natural to want justice or closure, but sometimes, seeking to get even only prolongs your suffering. Taking the high road may not feel satisfying in the moment, but it will allow you to reclaim control over your own emotional state and move forward in a healthier way.

Rather than focusing on exposing her, I encourage you to turn your attention inward and prioritize your healing. Healing is not about ignoring the wrongs that have been done, but about freeing yourself from the emotional hold that this situation has on you. This could mean allowing yourself to grieve the loss of not only the relationship but also the trust you gave to someone who ultimately betrayed it. It’s important to recognize that closure doesn't always come from confronting the other person or airing grievances—it can come from within, through self-reflection, and setting the intention to heal and move forward.

I also understand that it’s hard to let go of the desire for accountability, especially when it feels like she’s getting away with something. But the truth is, confronting her may not bring the peace you hope for. It could lead to further conflict, strain your relationships with others, and keep you emotionally entangled with someone who no longer deserves a place in your life. Instead of focusing on her actions, I encourage you to take steps that help you regain your sense of self-worth and emotional security. Reflect on what you've learned from this experience—what boundaries you might want to set in future relationships, and how you can protect your emotional and financial wellbeing moving forward.

Consider seeking support from a counselor or therapist, someone who can provide a safe space for you to process your feelings and help you navigate your next steps. Talking through your emotions with a neutral third party can give you the clarity and emotional tools you need to make decisions that align with your highest good.

Finally, remember that you are not defined by this situation. It’s easy to fall into the trap of self-blame, but you are not responsible for her actions. What matters now is how you move forward, rebuild your sense of trust in yourself, and ensure that you are emotionally supported in the process. This painful chapter doesn’t have to define your future, but how you choose to heal from it can shape the life you want to create moving forward.

Take your time to process this at your own pace, but don’t let the actions of someone else keep you tethered to a painful past. You deserve peace, healing, and a future where you feel empowered and free from this betrayal.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |415 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 26, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Dont know if you have come across such a problem before. My hubby, BE, MBA, top premium institutes is 62, very successful career. He is a well known writer, widely published in western publishers. We are very happily married from 30 years, 3-4 apts, land plots, gold, FD, savings, 2 daughters, BE, MS settled in US, no problems. He loves me, no other issues. IS this a dream story? well almost. He has now become very morose, aggresive, silent, glares and cries when he is alone. When I tried to get some answers, it seems, his father top scholar of 1970s was strict, weak but ineffective at work. He would come home enraged at how he was exploited and ridiculed, and beat up my husband. Very bad beatings, scars where he was branded, crack in vertebra where is was kicked and beaten with a rod, bent wrist when his father twisted the hand and kicked him, injuries in scalp that never healed beacuse they were not stitched. His mother, elder sister and elder brother kept quiet and perhaps helped the father to beat the boy, to escape their abuse. They admit covertly. His father died in 1997, my MiL died in 2010. My husband appears to revisit and remember the old beatings. I cannot speak about this to anyone not even my daughters. I cannot approach any psychiatrist as he knows all the psych tests and prepared responses. He is disintegrating in front of me. He does not drink, but has tobacco, bhang, and Ganja. What do I do?
Ans: The first step is to approach this with compassion and patience. Your husband’s pain is not something you can fix, but your presence and understanding can create a sense of safety for him. When he becomes silent or withdrawn, instead of trying to coax answers from him directly, gently let him know that you’re there whenever he’s ready to talk. Even if he doesn’t open up immediately, knowing that he has a safe, nonjudgmental space to express his feelings can be comforting.

When it comes to addressing his trauma, traditional avenues like psychiatrists or therapists may feel challenging if he resists or uses his intellectual understanding of mental health to deflect. However, trauma-focused therapies, such as somatic experiencing, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), or even mindfulness practices, could help him process these deeply held memories without requiring him to relive them in detail. If he resists professional help, introducing these concepts subtly, through books or articles that resonate with his intellectual nature, might make him more open to exploring these approaches.

Another powerful tool is building moments of connection and grounding in the present. Encourage activities that bring him peace, such as walking in nature, meditating together, or engaging in creative outlets that he enjoys, like writing. These activities won’t erase the pain but can help him feel more anchored in the here and now, giving him moments of respite from the weight of his memories.

It’s also crucial to take care of yourself. Supporting someone you love through their emotional disintegration is deeply draining, and it’s essential to ensure that you’re not neglecting your own wellbeing. Confide in a trusted friend or counselor—not to betray his trust but to give yourself an outlet to process your own emotions. You don’t have to bear this burden alone, and seeking support for yourself can strengthen your ability to be there for him.

Finally, remember that healing from trauma is not linear or quick. It’s a journey that requires patience, love, and often professional guidance. You’re already doing so much by standing beside him with such care and determination. Let him know, in moments when he’s receptive, that his pain doesn’t diminish the incredible person he is or the life you’ve built together. Remind him that while his past shaped parts of him, it doesn’t have to define his future. And above all, continue to lead with the deep compassion and love that have carried your relationship for the past 30 years

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |415 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 22, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I was in a relationship with a boy(he is 35 yrs old man, and a lawyer but not practising in a court, he had a lot of relationship during our relationship and after break up , I had changed 4, 5 women or used them physically) for 3 years. It has been three-four months. We are not in a relationship. We have broken up. I told him to delete our personal pics and videos. He is not deleting them and is not blackmailing me either. I told him that since we don't want to be together, we don't have a future together, then delete them. He is not deleting them and is not blackmailing me either and I want him to delete them. Who knows what will come to his mind in the future and what will happen. If we don't continue, he has no right to Keep the pics in your mobile, whatever video is personal to us, don't delete it and don't blackmail me either. I am not able to understand what should I tell him, although I have requested him a lot to delete it but he is not doing it either, so what should I do, please guide me. I know I had made a huge mistake to love him and gave him right to keep personal pics or videos..
Ans: You’ve already made a reasonable request for him to delete the material, but his refusal is an indication that he is not respecting your boundaries. His actions—or lack of action—are now about him choosing his convenience over your emotional security. This is a painful and difficult dynamic to navigate. The next step is to recognize that, while you can’t control his behavior, you absolutely have the right to continue asserting your needs. It might be helpful to make your request one more time, but this time with a sense of finality. Clearly express that you are no longer comfortable with him holding onto any part of your shared past, and that you expect him to respect that. Be firm, but also protect yourself emotionally by being clear that this is non-negotiable.

If he continues to refuse or ignore your request, consider taking further action. This could involve seeking legal advice on how to protect your privacy. In many places, there are legal avenues to protect against the non-consensual sharing or retention of intimate material, even after a relationship ends. Legal action is, of course, a more extreme measure, but if you feel your privacy is at risk or that the situation is escalating, it may be necessary to explore this option.

Throughout this process, be kind to yourself. It’s easy to slip into self-blame when someone else disrespects your boundaries, but remember that you are entitled to make choices about your body, your image, and your privacy at any point in your life. Trust yourself to learn from this experience and move forward with stronger boundaries in future relationships. You’ve already taken a healthy first step by recognizing the need for change, and now you’re moving toward regaining control of the situation. Keep focusing on your wellbeing, and know that your feelings and needs matter.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |415 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 26, 2024Hindi
Listen
Relationship
Dont know if you have come across such a problem before. My hubby, BE, MBA, top premium institutes is 62, very successful career. He is a well known writer, widely published in western publishers. We are very happily married from 30 years, 3-4 apts, land plots, gold, FD, savings, 2 daughters, BE, MS settled in US, no problems. He loves me, no other issues. IS this a dream story? well almost. He has now become very morose, aggresive, silent, glares and cries when he is alone. When I tried to get some answers, it seems, his father top scholar of 1970s was strict, weak but ineffective at work. He would come home enraged at how he was exploited and folled, and beat up my husband. Very bad beatings, scars where he was branded, crack in vertebra where is was kicked and beaten with a rod, bent wrist when his father twisted the hand and kicked him, injuries in scalp that never healed beacuse they were not stitched. His mother, elder sister and elder brother kept quiet and perhaps helped the father to beat the boy, to escape the abuse. They admit covertly. His father died in 1997, my MiL died in 2010. My husband appears to revisit and remember the old beatings. I cannot speak about this to anyone not even my daughters. I cannot approach any psychiatrist as he knows all the tests and prepared answers. He is disintegrating in front of me. He does not drink, but has tobacco, bhang, and Ganja. What do I do?
Ans: The first step is to approach this with compassion and patience. Your husband’s pain is not something you can fix, but your presence and understanding can create a sense of safety for him. When he becomes silent or withdrawn, instead of trying to coax answers from him directly, gently let him know that you’re there whenever he’s ready to talk. Even if he doesn’t open up immediately, knowing that he has a safe, nonjudgmental space to express his feelings can be comforting.

When it comes to addressing his trauma, traditional avenues like psychiatrists or therapists may feel challenging if he resists or uses his intellectual understanding of mental health to deflect. However, trauma-focused therapies, such as somatic experiencing, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), or even mindfulness practices, could help him process these deeply held memories without requiring him to relive them in detail. If he resists professional help, introducing these concepts subtly, through books or articles that resonate with his intellectual nature, might make him more open to exploring these approaches.

Another powerful tool is building moments of connection and grounding in the present. Encourage activities that bring him peace, such as walking in nature, meditating together, or engaging in creative outlets that he enjoys, like writing. These activities won’t erase the pain but can help him feel more anchored in the here and now, giving him moments of respite from the weight of his memories.

It’s also crucial to take care of yourself. Supporting someone you love through their emotional disintegration is deeply draining, and it’s essential to ensure that you’re not neglecting your own wellbeing. Confide in a trusted friend or counselor—not to betray his trust but to give yourself an outlet to process your own emotions. You don’t have to bear this burden alone, and seeking support for yourself can strengthen your ability to be there for him.

Finally, remember that healing from trauma is not linear or quick. It’s a journey that requires patience, love, and often professional guidance. You’re already doing so much by standing beside him with such care and determination. Let him know, in moments when he’s receptive, that his pain doesn’t diminish the incredible person he is or the life you’ve built together. Remind him that while his past shaped parts of him, it doesn’t have to define his future. And above all, continue to lead with the deep compassion and love that have carried your relationship for the past 30 years.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |415 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 26, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I am in a relationship with a girl who is somehow became by 3rd-4th cousin initial days we are not aware. Later we came to know our parents were close long back but now distancing because her mom had some illicit relationship. Now my parents are not accepting our love because of cousin thing and her mom’s past. One day while speaking to parents they scolded me abusively using all type of bad words. Somehow I developed a hatred to them now. I stopped calling them now they have also stopped calling me. Now my sister is telling I only should forgive them and talk to them. I felt I am being pushed, traumatised by all these events. Now my sister is telling parents won’t come down for me. If I have to leave everything and be like a old me, I don’t feel it’s possible. What should I do?
Ans: Take a moment to reflect on your priorities and values. Ask yourself:

Do you still value a relationship with your parents, despite their hurtful actions?
Can you imagine rebuilding a relationship with them in a way that feels healthy and respectful to you?
What would an ideal resolution look like for you—not for them, not for your sister, but for you?
It’s also important to understand your own emotional wellbeing in this situation. Carrying hatred and anger is exhausting, but that doesn’t mean you should suppress or ignore your feelings. Instead, give yourself time to process them. Therapy or counseling could be incredibly helpful in this journey—it’s a space to work through your emotions and gain tools to navigate these relationships with clarity and confidence.

Regarding your relationship with the girl, it’s equally important to evaluate how strongly you both feel about being together and whether you’re prepared to face the challenges that come with it. If this relationship is a source of love, support, and happiness for you, it’s worth fighting for, but it also requires honest conversations about the realities you’re both facing.

As for your parents, reconciliation, if it happens, should come from a place of mutual respect. You don’t have to accept abusive behavior or let go of your boundaries just to restore contact. Relationships thrive when there’s a willingness to listen, apologize, and grow—on both sides. If they are unwilling to meet you halfway, it’s okay to protect your own peace and prioritize the relationships and choices that support your wellbeing.

Remember, you’re not obligated to live up to anyone else’s version of who you should be—not your parents, not your sister, and not anyone else. This is your life, and it’s okay to take the time and space you need to figure out what’s best for you. Trust that with reflection and self-compassion, you’ll find a path forward that feels right for you.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |415 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 20, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi I'm married women my husband is very loving we are now married for 4years we don't have children yet as I'm running 38 of my age and he is in his 41. We got arranged marriage post our marriage he worked for an year in a company were he used to work for last 10years due to some issues he got fired however later that he got few opportunity and worked in different companies for more or less 6months now he is jobless he is not taking things seriously but he wants to have children on this topic I said I won't be the alone person to bear the medical expenses I want you also to contribute the same I'm working in reputed MNC and he wants me to change my job as I work in shifts I'm getting paid handsome amount my concern is shall I think of making children as the inflation is high and expenses are increasing like thing. Some time I feel why I'm with this failure person I feels to get apart but he loves me alot need advice should I continue the relationship with him or get parted
Ans: When it comes to having children, your hesitation makes sense. Bringing a child into the world is a profound decision that requires emotional readiness and practical planning. If you’re feeling unsupported or uncertain about your husband’s ability to contribute—financially, emotionally, or practically—it’s wise to pause and reflect. Your decision to delay this step shows your self-awareness and your commitment to creating a stable and nurturing environment for a child. That’s admirable.

Your concern about his career trajectory is another important factor. A marriage thrives on mutual effort, and it’s reasonable to expect your partner to take responsibility for his own growth and stability. However, it’s also worth exploring why he’s been unable to sustain a job. Is it a matter of confidence, market conditions, or something deeper like a lack of motivation or direction? If he hasn’t been taking things seriously, as you’ve mentioned, it’s important to have a frank and compassionate conversation about how this is impacting both of you.

At the same time, his love for you seems genuine, and it’s important to recognize that. His suggestion for you to change your job might stem from a place of care, possibly concern for your health or the toll of shift work. However, if your current job provides financial stability and satisfaction, you need to weigh that against his concerns. Ask yourself: is this request aligned with what’s best for you both, or is it coming from his own discomfort with his current situation?

As you navigate these emotions, take some time to reflect on your core needs and values. What does partnership mean to you? Are your current frustrations a temporary phase, or are they reflective of deeper, long-term patterns in the relationship? It’s also worth considering whether he is open to making real changes. Has he shown willingness to take responsibility for his career and future? Does he listen to your concerns and actively work toward addressing them?

It’s okay to have moments where you question why you’re in this relationship—doubt doesn’t mean failure. It means you care enough to want something better for both of you. If you feel the love is worth fighting for, then it’s essential to have honest, open conversations with your husband. Express your feelings without blame and seek to understand his perspective as well. Couples counseling can also be a valuable tool to help you both navigate these challenges together and find a path forward.

However, if you find that the emotional and practical gaps in the relationship persist despite your efforts, it’s okay to ask yourself whether this partnership is meeting your needs. You deserve to feel supported, valued, and secure in your marriage. Whatever decision you make, let it come from a place of self-respect and a desire to build the life you truly want. You’re not alone in this, and reaching out for guidance shows how deeply you care about making the best decision for your future.

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Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |715 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Nov 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 27, 2024Hindi
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Money
Hello Sir, I really appreciate the advice received from you to my query. Bases on your feedback, I have decided to replan the mutual funds investments and hence will request your invaluable suggestion on wealth building for the next 10 years. I am 45 years old and the objective is to work for another 10 years and accumulate a corpus of around 2.5 CRS. My existing take home salary is Rs 1.25 lacs per month and additional variable income ( incentives ) of around Rs 3 to 4 lacs annually. My existing EFP accumulation is Rs 38,18,711 and it should continue to add for another 10 years. My existing PPF accumulation is Rs 24,69,961, having started from April, 2011 and I wish to continue it for another 10 years with Rs 1.5 lacs deposit per year. Following are my ongoing LICs maturity plans :- Jeevan Anand, Maturity year - 2032, Sum assured - Rs 8 lacs Jeevan Ankur, Maturity year - 2034, Sum assured - Rs 12 lacs Jeevan Saral, Maturity year - 2035, Sum assured - Rs 352,330 Money back policy, Maturity year - 2027, Sum assured - Rs 2lacs + vested bonds My existing LIC annual premium is Rs 135,661 My existing corpus if mutual fund is around Rs 4 lacs, regret not having started investing in mutual funds earlier. Following are the SIPs I intend to realign from January, 2025 to at least till December, 20234, per month Parag Pariekh Flexicap - Rs 20,000 Quant Active Fund - Rs 10,000 SBI Smallcap - Rs 5,000 Nippon India Smallcap - Rs 5,000 ICICI Prudential Bluchip - Rs 5,000 Mirae Asset Large and Midcap - Rs 5,000 Overviewing, the entire details, please share your opinions and suggestions for wealth building for the next 10 years.
Ans: Hello;

Your EPF corpus, PPF contribution+ corpus and MF sip corpus together will provide you a corpus of 2.5 Cr+ over 10 years. (8%, 6.9% & 12% returns considered respectively)

Maturity proceeds of endowment life insurance policies, if any, is a surplus.

Do invest part of your annual incentives as lumpsum investment in the sip funds to boost your corpus.

Also always bear in mind to never mix investment with insurance.

For life insurance an adequate term life cover is good enough.

Endowment policies have the worst returns.

SIP funds are okay except multicap fund, which you may replace with any other top quartile fund from that category, since that fund AMC has an ongoing sebi probe into frontrunning allegations.

Happy Investing;
X: @mars_invest

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DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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