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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8230 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 23, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jun 23, 2024Hindi
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Money

I am 34 year old my salary is 30000, wife is house wife, have 2 daughters 8year and 2 year old one son 6 year old, i can invest 8000 per month now, how i should invest so i can manage my kids studies and other expenses with making some retirement fund also. In future as my salary will increase i can increase investment.

Ans: Managing your finances with a focus on your kids' education and your retirement is commendable. Let’s dive into a detailed plan tailored for you.

Understanding Your Financial Goals
Your primary goals seem to be:

Ensuring a secure and quality education for your three kids.
Building a retirement corpus for a comfortable future.
Managing current expenses effectively while saving for future needs.
Each goal needs a specific strategy to ensure balanced growth and security.

Evaluating Your Current Financial Situation
With a salary of Rs 30,000 and a housewife spouse, it's essential to optimize your Rs 8,000 monthly savings. Your family responsibilities require prudent planning and disciplined saving habits.

Importance of a Diversified Portfolio
Investing across various assets is crucial. A diversified portfolio minimizes risk and maximizes returns. Let’s break down how you can allocate your Rs 8,000 monthly investment.

Prioritizing Emergency Fund
Before diving into investments, an emergency fund is vital. Aim to save 3-6 months' worth of expenses. This cushion will protect you from unexpected financial disruptions.

Building a Children's Education Fund
Education costs rise every year. Start a dedicated fund for each child’s education. Equity mutual funds are a strong option here due to their potential for high returns over a long period. While equity funds are volatile in the short term, they tend to outperform other asset classes in the long term.

Benefits of Actively Managed Equity Funds:

Professional management ensures informed investment decisions.
Potential for higher returns compared to passive index funds.
Active managers can navigate market volatility better.
Disadvantages of Index Funds:

Lack of flexibility in stock selection.
Possible underperformance in volatile markets.
Limited ability to react to market changes.
Planning for Retirement
Retirement planning should not be delayed. A systematic investment in mutual funds can create a substantial corpus. Since you have a long investment horizon, equity funds are suitable for this goal too.

Choosing Regular Funds Over Direct Funds
While direct funds have lower expense ratios, regular funds offer advantages through the guidance of a Certified Financial Planner (CFP). Regular funds come with:

Professional advice tailored to your financial goals.
Assistance in portfolio rebalancing.
Guidance during market volatility.
Insurance: Protection First
If you hold LIC, ULIP, or other investment-cum-insurance policies, it might be beneficial to surrender these and reinvest the proceeds into mutual funds. Pure term insurance is a better option for financial protection without the high costs of investment-linked insurance plans.

Systematic Investment Plan (SIP) Strategy
A SIP is an excellent way to invest consistently. Here’s a proposed allocation for your Rs 8,000 monthly investment:

Children’s Education Fund: Rs 4,000
Retirement Fund: Rs 3,000
Emergency Fund: Rs 1,000
As your salary increases, you can proportionally increase these investments.

Regular Review and Rebalancing
Financial planning is not a one-time activity. Regularly review your portfolio and rebalance it to align with your goals. A CFP can assist in these reviews and make necessary adjustments.

Tax Planning and Benefits
Investments in certain mutual funds offer tax benefits under Section 80C. Equity Linked Savings Schemes (ELSS) are mutual funds that provide tax deductions and have the potential for higher returns.

Importance of Discipline and Patience
Investing is a long-term commitment. Stay disciplined with your SIPs and avoid withdrawing funds unless absolutely necessary. Patience is key to achieving your financial goals.

Final Insights
To summarize:

Start with an emergency fund for financial security.
Allocate funds to children’s education and your retirement.
Opt for actively managed mutual funds over index funds.
Consider regular funds with professional guidance over direct funds.
Review and adjust your portfolio regularly with a CFP’s help.
Take advantage of tax-saving investment options.
With disciplined saving and informed investment decisions, you can secure your children’s future and build a comfortable retirement corpus.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8230 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Aug 21, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 26, 2024Hindi
Money
Sir,I m 43 year old, working in pvt college and getting 60000per month,pls elaborate me about investing and savings for my retirement and present expenses as I have two kids one is 16year and another one is 12 year
Ans: At 43 years old, with a monthly income of Rs. 60,000, your financial goals should include both immediate and long-term objectives. These goals would typically cover day-to-day expenses, children’s education, and retirement planning. Let’s break down how you can balance your current needs with future savings.

Managing Current Expenses
You have two children, aged 16 and 12, and it’s vital to manage your monthly expenses carefully. A clear budget is the foundation of good financial planning.

Household Expenses: Ensure your essential expenses are well-covered. These include food, utilities, and other daily necessities. Try to allocate a specific amount each month to prevent overspending.

Children’s Education: With children at 16 and 12 years old, educational expenses will increase, especially as your older child approaches higher education. Plan for tuition fees, books, and other related costs.

Emergency Fund: Maintain an emergency fund equivalent to at least six months of your monthly income. This fund will protect you from unexpected financial burdens like medical emergencies or job loss.

Allocating Savings for Future Needs
Balancing current expenses with savings for future needs is key to long-term financial security. Let’s explore how you can start saving efficiently.

Retirement Planning: You’re currently 43 years old, so retirement is still some years away. However, starting early is important. Consider contributing 20-30% of your income towards retirement savings. Look for options that offer a balance between growth and safety.

Children’s Higher Education: Higher education can be costly. Start investing in a dedicated plan for your children’s education. This should be separate from your retirement savings to avoid depleting your retirement funds.

Investment Options for a Secure Future
With a stable income, it’s crucial to explore the right investment options to grow your wealth. A diversified approach is recommended, keeping in mind your risk tolerance and time horizon.

Diversified Mutual Funds
Balanced Growth: Diversified mutual funds offer a mix of equity and debt, balancing risk and reward. This type of fund is ideal if you’re looking for moderate growth without exposing your investments to excessive risk.

Professional Management: Actively managed mutual funds are handled by professional fund managers who adjust the portfolio based on market conditions. This offers you peace of mind, knowing that experts are managing your investments.

Regular Savings: Systematic Investment Plans (SIPs) allow you to invest small amounts regularly. SIPs help in averaging out market volatility and building wealth over time.

Disadvantages of Index Funds and Direct Funds
You might come across index funds or direct funds as investment options. While they may seem appealing due to lower fees, they come with certain disadvantages.

Index Funds: These funds passively track an index and do not try to outperform the market. While fees are lower, they may not provide the returns you need, especially during market downturns. The lack of active management could result in missed opportunities.

Direct Funds: Direct funds cut out the intermediary, saving on commission fees. However, this approach requires you to manage and monitor your investments closely. It’s easy to make mistakes without expert guidance. Regular funds, on the other hand, offer the benefit of advice from a Certified Financial Planner, who can help optimize your investments.

Tax-Efficient Investments
Tax efficiency is a critical aspect of your financial plan. Choosing investments that offer tax benefits can maximize your returns.

Tax-Saving Instruments: Look into options that provide deductions under Section 80C, such as Public Provident Fund (PPF) or certain life insurance plans. These not only help in saving taxes but also ensure a safe return on your investment.

Long-Term Capital Gains: Consider investments that are taxed as long-term capital gains (LTCG) after a holding period. LTCG tax rates are generally lower than income tax rates, making them a tax-efficient option for wealth growth.

Insurance: Protecting Your Family’s Future
Insurance is an essential part of financial planning. It ensures that your family is financially protected in case of any unforeseen events.

Life Insurance: If you haven’t already, consider purchasing a term life insurance plan. This type of insurance provides a high coverage amount at a lower premium, ensuring your family’s financial security if something happens to you.

Health Insurance: With increasing healthcare costs, it’s important to have a comprehensive health insurance policy. This should cover you and your family, including any critical illness riders if possible.

Evaluating Your Retirement Corpus
When planning for retirement, it’s important to estimate the corpus you’ll need. The amount should be sufficient to cover your living expenses without relying on others.

Inflation: Consider inflation when planning your retirement corpus. The cost of living will increase over time, so your savings should be able to provide you with a comfortable lifestyle even 20-30 years from now.

Pension Options: If your employer offers a pension plan, review the benefits. If not, consider setting up a self-managed retirement plan that includes a mix of investments and savings.

Creating a Long-Term Investment Plan
A long-term investment plan is necessary to ensure that your savings grow steadily. This plan should include a mix of short-term and long-term investments, catering to different financial goals.

Equity Exposure: With 15-20 years until retirement, you can afford to have some exposure to equity investments. Equities have the potential to deliver higher returns over the long term, though they come with higher risks.

Debt Instruments: Complement your equity investments with safer debt instruments like bonds or fixed deposits. This will balance your portfolio and provide a steady income stream with lower risk.

Regular Review and Adjustment
A financial plan is not a one-time activity. Regularly reviewing and adjusting your plan is crucial to keep up with changes in your life and in the market.

Annual Review: Set aside time each year to review your financial plan. Assess whether your investments are performing as expected and whether you need to make any changes.

Goal Adjustment: As your children grow older and your financial situation changes, you may need to adjust your goals. Ensure your plan remains aligned with your evolving needs.

Final Insights
Balancing current expenses with future savings is a delicate task, but it’s entirely achievable with a disciplined approach. Prioritizing your children’s education, creating a solid retirement plan, and choosing tax-efficient, diversified investments will help you build a secure financial future. Regular reviews and adjustments to your plan will ensure you stay on track to meet your goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8230 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 30, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 29, 2024Hindi
Money
I am 46 year old my salary is 25000, wife is house wife, have only one son 16 year old, i can invest 6000 per month now, how i should invest so i can manage my kids studies and other expenses with making some retirement fund also. In future as my salary will increase i can increase investment.
Ans: Managing your finances while planning for your son's education and your retirement is important. You’re already on the right track by wanting to invest Rs. 6,000 per month. Let's dive into a detailed plan.

Understanding Your Current Financial Situation
You're 46 years old with a monthly salary of Rs. 25,000. Your wife is a homemaker, and you have a 16-year-old son. You can invest Rs. 6,000 monthly, and you plan to increase this amount as your salary grows.

Setting Clear Financial Goals
First, let's define your financial goals:

Your Son's Education: Your son is 16, so he’ll soon need funds for higher education.

Your Retirement: Building a retirement fund to ensure financial security in your later years.

Prioritizing Your Investments
We’ll prioritize your investments based on your goals. Here’s a step-by-step approach.

Emergency Fund
Before diving into investments, ensure you have an emergency fund. This should cover at least 6 months of living expenses. This fund provides a safety net for unexpected expenses.

Target Amount: Rs. 1,50,000 (approx. Rs. 25,000 * 6)
Where to Keep: High-interest savings account or liquid mutual funds
Investing in Mutual Funds
Mutual funds are a great way to grow your investments. They offer diversification and professional management. Here’s how you can allocate your Rs. 6,000 monthly investment.

Diversifying Your Mutual Fund Investments
1. Equity Mutual Funds

Equity mutual funds invest in stocks. They offer high returns over the long term but come with higher risks. Suitable for your retirement and long-term goals.

Large-Cap Funds: Invest in well-established companies. They provide stable returns with lower risk.
Mid-Cap and Small-Cap Funds: Invest in smaller companies with high growth potential. They are riskier but offer higher returns.
2. Debt Mutual Funds

Debt mutual funds invest in fixed-income securities like bonds. They are less risky and provide regular income. Suitable for short to medium-term goals like your son's education.

Short-Term Debt Funds: Provide stability and are less volatile. Good for parking funds needed in the next few years.
Long-Term Debt Funds: Suitable for generating regular income over a longer period.
3. Balanced or Hybrid Funds

Balanced or hybrid funds invest in both equity and debt. They offer a balanced approach with moderate risk and returns. Good for medium-term goals.

Sample Investment Allocation
Given your current investment capacity, here’s a suggested allocation of your Rs. 6,000 monthly investment:

Large-Cap Equity Fund: Rs. 2,000
Mid-Cap Equity Fund: Rs. 1,000
Short-Term Debt Fund: Rs. 1,500
Balanced Fund: Rs. 1,500
Investing for Your Son’s Education
Your son is 16, and higher education expenses are imminent. Here’s how to plan:

1. Estimate Education Costs

Estimate the total cost of your son’s higher education. Include tuition fees, living expenses, books, and other costs. Adjust for inflation, as education costs tend to rise.

2. Investment Strategy

Short-Term Investments: Since your son will need the money soon, focus on less volatile investments. Short-term debt funds and balanced funds are suitable.
Systematic Investment Plan (SIP): Continue with SIPs in mutual funds to accumulate the required corpus.
Retirement Planning
Planning for retirement is crucial. Here’s a strategy to build your retirement corpus:

1. Estimate Retirement Corpus

Calculate the amount needed for a comfortable retirement. Consider your living expenses, inflation, and life expectancy.

2. Long-Term Investments

Equity Mutual Funds: Allocate a significant portion to equity funds for higher growth.
Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP): In retirement, use SWPs to provide a regular income from your mutual fund investments.
Increasing Investments Over Time
As your salary increases, incrementally increase your investments. Even small increases can significantly impact your long-term corpus due to compounding.

1. Regular Review

Regularly review and adjust your investment portfolio based on your goals, risk tolerance, and market conditions. Consider consulting a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) for personalized advice.

2. Stay Disciplined

Stick to your investment plan and avoid making impulsive decisions based on market fluctuations. Staying disciplined is key to achieving your financial goals.

Insurance Coverage
1. Health Insurance

Ensure you have adequate health insurance coverage for your family. Medical emergencies can deplete your savings quickly.

2. Term Life Insurance

Consider a term life insurance policy to secure your family’s financial future in case of unforeseen circumstances. It provides a large cover at a low premium.

Avoiding Real Estate and Other Options
Given your financial goals and monthly investment capacity, real estate is not recommended due to its illiquid nature and high costs.

1. Active Management vs. Index Funds

Active management in mutual funds can potentially offer higher returns than index funds. Fund managers actively choose stocks to outperform the market.

Final Insights
Shiva, your dedication to planning for your son’s education and your retirement is commendable. Here’s a recap:

Emergency Fund: Maintain a fund covering 6 months of expenses.
Diversified Mutual Fund Portfolio: Allocate Rs. 6,000 monthly across equity, debt, and balanced funds.
Short-Term Investments: Focus on less volatile funds for your son’s education.
Long-Term Investments: Prioritize equity funds for retirement.
Increase Investments: Gradually increase your investments as your salary grows.
Insurance Coverage: Ensure adequate health and life insurance.
By following this plan, you can secure your son’s education and build a comfortable retirement fund. Stay disciplined, review your investments regularly, and adjust as needed.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8230 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 04, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 30, 2024Hindi
Money
I am 36 year old my salary is 75000, wife is house wife, have one son 6 year old, i can invest 30000 per month now, how i should invest so i can manage my kid studies and other expenses with making some retirement fund also. In future as my salary will increase i can increase investment.
Ans: It’s wonderful that you’re considering your family’s future and making a plan for your child’s education and your retirement. Let’s break down a comprehensive strategy for you.

Understanding Your Financial Goals
You have a clear goal to manage your child’s education and build a retirement fund. Investing Rs 30,000 per month is a great start. Let’s structure a plan that balances both objectives.

Investment Strategy Overview
You’re 36 years old, earning Rs 75,000 per month, and planning to invest Rs 30,000 monthly. Here’s how you can allocate your investments effectively.

Diversification: The Key to Balanced Growth
Diversification helps in spreading risk across various assets. By diversifying your investments, you can achieve growth and stability. Here's how you can do it:

Equity Mutual Funds
Equity mutual funds are ideal for long-term growth. They invest in stocks, which can offer high returns. Here are some options:

Large-Cap Funds: These invest in well-established companies. They offer stable growth with lower risk.
Mid-Cap Funds: These invest in medium-sized companies. They have higher growth potential but come with moderate risk.
Small-Cap Funds: These invest in small companies. They offer high growth but are riskier.
Multi-Cap Funds: These invest in companies of all sizes. They provide diversification within equities.
Debt Mutual Funds
Debt mutual funds invest in fixed-income securities like bonds. They offer stable returns with lower risk. Here are some options:

Short-Term Debt Funds: Suitable for stability and liquidity.
Medium-Term Debt Funds: Offer better returns with moderate risk.
Long-Term Debt Funds: Suitable for long-term goals, providing higher returns with interest rate risk.
Balanced Funds
Balanced funds, also known as hybrid funds, invest in both equities and debt. They offer a balanced approach, providing growth and stability.

Allocating Your Monthly Investment
Here’s a suggested allocation for your Rs 30,000 monthly investment:

Equity Funds: Rs 18,000 (60%)
Debt Funds: Rs 9,000 (30%)
Balanced Funds: Rs 3,000 (10%)
This allocation balances growth potential with risk management.

Investing for Your Child’s Education
Your child’s education is a major goal. Planning ahead ensures you can meet future expenses. Here’s how you can do it:

Child Education Fund
Start a dedicated child education fund. Invest in equity mutual funds for long-term growth. Consider the following:

Equity Funds: Allocate a significant portion to large-cap and multi-cap funds. These offer stable growth over the long term.
SIP (Systematic Investment Plan): Invest a fixed amount regularly. SIPs help in averaging the cost and benefit from market fluctuations.
Regular Monitoring
Review the fund performance regularly. Adjust the investment strategy as needed to ensure it stays on track.

Building a Retirement Corpus
Planning for retirement early ensures you build a substantial corpus. Here’s how you can do it:

Retirement Fund
Start a dedicated retirement fund. Diversify across equity, debt, and balanced funds. Consider the following:

Equity Funds: Allocate to large-cap and multi-cap funds for growth.
Debt Funds: Allocate to short-term and medium-term debt funds for stability.
Balanced Funds: Allocate a small portion to balanced funds for a mix of growth and stability.
Power of Compounding
The power of compounding is a key factor in building your retirement corpus. The longer you stay invested, the more your money grows.

Managing Risk
Investing involves risk. Here’s how to manage it effectively:

Diversification
Diversifying across various asset classes and fund types reduces risk. This ensures poor performance in one area is offset by better performance in another.

Regular Reviews
Regularly review your investments. Adjust your strategy based on market conditions and personal goals.

Emergency Fund
Maintain an emergency fund. This ensures you don’t need to liquidate your investments during emergencies.

Increasing Investments with Salary Hikes
As your salary increases, you can increase your investments. Here’s how to plan for it:

Incremental Investments
Increase your monthly investments proportionally with your salary hikes. This boosts your investment corpus significantly over time.

Rebalancing
Rebalance your portfolio regularly. Ensure your asset allocation aligns with your risk tolerance and financial goals.

Monitoring and Adjusting Your Strategy
Regular Monitoring
Monitor your investments every six months. Check fund performance and adjust your investments as needed.

Annual Review
Conduct a comprehensive review annually. Rebalance your portfolio to align with your changing financial goals and market conditions.

Final Insights
Your commitment to investing Rs 30,000 per month for your child’s education and retirement is commendable. By diversifying your investments across equity, debt, and balanced funds, you balance growth and stability.

Regular monitoring, rebalancing, and increasing investments with salary hikes ensure you stay on track to achieve your goals. Investing through a Certified Financial Planner ensures you get personalized advice tailored to your needs.

Your disciplined approach and strategic planning will lead you to a secure financial future for your family. Stay committed, stay informed, and keep your long-term goals in sight.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Latest Questions
Dr Upneet

Dr Upneet Kaur  |30 Answers  |Ask -

Marriage counsellor - Answered on Apr 14, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 14, 2025
Relationship
I don't get along with my husband and in-laws. I am living with him only for the sake of my 5 year old son. I broke up with my ex to marry this man to keep my parents happy. However, he is not at all an ideal partner for me. He abuses me all the time and takes me for granted. He doesn't allow me to step out, or meet my friends and family. I have to wait for him to go to work, so I can call anyone. His family keeps a close watch on what I do and informs him if I step out to even meet my family or relatives. We fight and argue almost every day. I have told him that I want a divorce but he said No, I have to adjust and accept. I am a graduate but I don't have a job. It is frustrating when he doesn't let me do anything on my own. I blocked my ex when our marriage got fixed but he is always suspicious. Sometimes I feel like hitting him back to stop the torture. I want to go back home but my parents are financially dependent on my brother, so they want me to reconcile and find a way to sort things out with my husband. Recently I learned that my ex is still waiting for me but I can't stay with him legally till I am divorced. How do I explain all this to my son? I am unhappy and confused. What should I do?
Ans: Hello Mam, I understand that you are in a dilemma. The situation is like this. Either ways the situation will have its negative effect on your son. If possible take some time out from your family and spend some quality time with your husband. Clear negative thoughts from your mind regarding your husband and try to accept him. If you will think positive about your family it will reflect in your actions and then things will be sorted out. But one thing to be kept in mind that you should not tolerate physical abuse. Involve your parents in this and try to convince him to behave nicely with you. U can always start something online for your financial independence. Try this out. Take care ????
Reach me : https://www.instagram.com/dr_upneet

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |577 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 14, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 18, 2025Hindi
Relationship
I'm in a relationship since 7 years .we both are Hindus bt our castes differ...i belong to higher caste and he belongs to a lower caste which is definitely going to be a problem because I have a elder brother his marriage was also love marriage and his wife's caste also was bit lower to ours so I have seen lot of issues at home of father not getting convinced at all.... Now after thinking about everything I'm in a state of confusion if whether I was wrong about loving somebody without their knowledge since already elder brothers issues I had seen should I have thought about all this seriously before ? Parents won't be expecting sucha thing from me because I seem kinder and understandable than my brother....last year I did let this out to my mother that i like someone and all the details....bt she started with emotional drama like this wasn't expected from you though you wld have understood the issues from brothers marriage etc etc. she tried to approach me in a different way....like being nice and to withdraw frm this decision and to take a good ....my dad still don't know abt this... actually my mom was about to say bt she thought of giving me time and assumes eventually I'll take better decision for them ...there was so much of drama and hence aftr that wasn't being able to discuss abt his.... because im in a stage of job hunting if I let this out to father i won't be able to sit at home....I'm actually really very confused and now what to do....am i wrong here...my situation and my brothers situation is different know....just because I saw brother wedding issue....how long i wld have sat without being in a relationship... especially in this generation....this was something that happened by itself inspite of me not being oke to say yes to my partner later it became yes..it was all meant to be.... because he isn't my classmate or anything my classmates family friend and is elder to me....so i believe it was to happen....I want to actually arive in a perfect and or place....not being able to take proper decision....since I always consider myself unlucky ok scared to take any decision also....and also now wondering what all shld be the qualities i must look for before taking decision about my life partner....should it be looks ...family or caste.... economic class status etc.....please help... messed up. Current update : I have attended a interview...and results are still on processing stage but I am sure even if it's taking time I will get it because my interview feedback given was excellent just that since it's a MNC they are waiting for a position in a particular department I think hence delay , meanwhile since I'm 26 and me and my partner has a age difference of 6 years situations have become difficult. His parents pressures him for marriage and to see girls . But since he is in love with me he wants to wait ... because the pressure was increasing I had to tell my mother once again after one year and she was shocked again she thought I left this in this gap.... however I had taken this time for a better decision and time alloted for finding job , there began emotional drama again ..then I had to tell her to jst let my father know about this and if he asks me I will explain it. She was also worried because dad hasn't come out of all the traumas he had out of my brother's marriage because girl was from different caste. So my father had to answer a lot of questions from his siblings and society etc . My mother anyway agreed to talk to dad...she told the matter ...again house atmosphere changed entirely. I waited until dad asked me about this...waited for two days then he approached me and called and spoke asked about each and every details and then finally said like see him as a friend and take a better decision and he left just like that. After that I spoke to my mother , she said some concerns like looks mattered , caste was the main so that's why he is not being able to say anything and no parents would in the beginning itself talk positive about this ...will show resistance...that day I felt bit ok later after talking to mom , but later one day his father called my father and spoke they initiated they had a friendly talk and my father said he needs time and can't say anything now to his father. But I was thinking that he dint give a no reply straight away which was very surprising . But , after this situation my father saved this fathers number ...one day what happened was , he saw a status put by his father in which there was his parents with few other group people who weren't so good looking...so mistook it as their relatives and told mother to speak to me because this he can't even digest me to send to such a family since as a girls parent he has certain expectations also because his main issue is caste problem hevis finding one problem behind the other . My boyfriend belongs to a Tamil caste and mine is malayali native hence my boyfriend has a dark complexion maybe his parents and family too...but should all these matter to take a terrible final decision regarding our marriage? Even tho their complexion was dark Can't they have a good heart and shouldn't character be given priority than looks ? Just because parents want to show the society...how can i toss my life and find another person as they are saying? Do all that matter ?? I want to know your thoughts ... Also , how to convince a father who sticks on his own beliefs or who doesn't want to listen to their children because he thinks we haven't grown enough to teach him please suggest a way to make a person to listen ? My mother seems ok to this even she doesn't like so much ... bt only if father is ok and doesn't pass on this pressure to others... If any doubt can ask me I will clarify
Ans: First, you are not wrong for falling in love. Love doesn’t ask for caste, status, or complexion—it simply grows where there’s connection, care, and shared values. The world around us, especially family and society, can be heavily opinionated, but that doesn’t mean your feelings are any less valid. You've been trying to balance respect for your parents with loyalty to your partner, and that's not easy at all.

Your dad's resistance is clearly rooted in fear—fear of what society will say, fear of repeating a past that felt traumatic for him during your brother's marriage. His concern isn't necessarily about your partner’s character, but about how it looks to others. Unfortunately, a lot of our parents were raised to give more weight to "what people will say" than to personal happiness. It’s not your fault he carries that burden. You’re just trying to live a life that’s true to your heart.

Your boyfriend seems like someone who really cares about you and is ready to wait for you through all this. That's rare, and it matters. If his family was kind enough to approach yours respectfully, it shows they are willing to build a bridge. You’re not trying to force anything—you’re asking for space to make a decision with both head and heart involved.

As for appearance and caste: no, these should not be what define a life partner. A dark complexion or a different community cannot and should not outweigh honesty, kindness, emotional maturity, and shared values. Looks fade. Status changes. But someone’s nature stays. And in a marriage, when times are tough, it’s not the family’s last name or the shade of their skin that matters—it’s whether they stand by you or not.

You mentioned something powerful: that you believe this was “meant to happen.” And I agree—sometimes people enter our lives with a timing and connection that doesn’t make logical sense but feels profoundly right. That’s not something to toss aside easily.

Now, about convincing your father—it’s hard to change someone who is set in their ways, but here’s what you can try:

Let your mother be the mediator since she’s more open. Ask her to have slow, non-threatening conversations with him—not to pressure him, but just to help him understand that you are not making a hasty or rebellious choice. You’re thinking practically and from the heart. It’s not about rejecting their values but about choosing someone you can build a peaceful, respectful life with.

You could also write a heartfelt letter to your dad—sometimes, parents understand better when there’s no direct confrontation. Share your side, your fears, your respect for him, and your reasons for choosing this person. Let him know you still want to be his daughter, that you haven’t forgotten your family’s worth—you’re just hoping your happiness can also be valued.

Most importantly—give yourself credit for how well you’ve handled this. You’ve shown maturity, patience, and self-awareness. Even when it hurts, you’re not reacting with drama or impulse—you’re processing, reflecting, and trying to do the right thing.


And please don’t let anyone make you feel like your love is a mistake. You’ve loved with honesty and stood strong—no matter what comes next, that’s something to be proud of. I’m here to walk with you through this, one step at a time.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |577 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 14, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 07, 2025Hindi
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Relationship
My partner and I have a problem. Whenever we argue, I feel the need to talk it through immediately, but my partner shuts down completely and goes silent for hours, sometimes days. It leaves me feeling anxious and ignored. How do I deal with this without feeling like I am the only one trying?
Ans: Have a calm, non-conflict conversation about the issue outside of a fight. Explain to your partner how their silence affects you—not by blaming, but by expressing how it makes you feel. For example, “When we argue and you go silent, I feel anxious and alone. It makes me feel like I’m the only one trying, even though I know that might not be true.” Keep it about your feelings, not their faults.

Ask them what they feel in those moments—do they need space to think? Do they feel overwhelmed? Are they afraid things will escalate? Try to genuinely understand their side too.

Together, you can come up with a “pause plan”—a middle ground. Maybe your partner can say something like, “I need an hour to clear my head, but I promise we’ll talk after that.” That way, you get the reassurance that the issue won’t be ignored forever, and they get the breathing room they need.

Also, remind yourselves that you’re on the same team. The goal isn’t to win the argument—it’s to understand each other better and reconnect.

You’re not the only one trying—it just feels that way because your emotional needs are different. With communication, empathy, and small agreements about how to handle conflict, this doesn’t have to stay a painful pattern. You're already doing the brave thing by reflecting and wanting to improve this—see if you can invite your partner into that same space of honesty and growth.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |577 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 14, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 14, 2025Hindi
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My mother doesn't want to stay with me but she gladly stays with my brother and his wife I live all alone in a house and I feel left out as well as ostracised as well as excluded I feel like I am unwanted person and if I ever meet anyone like my relatives in any social setting I feel they are tolerating me I feel like an untouchable how do I cope up with this situation as there is no one for me no one I can rely on or nobody who has my back noone who I can share my problems with or call in case I feel sick or in case of an emergency.
Ans: Feeling excluded by family and sensing that others are merely "tolerating" you is a heavy emotional burden to carry. It can quietly erode your sense of self-worth, leaving you questioning your value, your place in the world, and your importance to the people who were meant to be your first support system. You're not being overly sensitive or dramatic—this kind of emotional isolation is deeply painful, and it makes perfect sense that you’re feeling untouchable and unsafe.

But here’s a gentle truth: you are not unwanted. You are not unworthy of love or care. The way others treat you does not define your worth. Sometimes, unfortunately, people—even family—fail to show up for us in the ways we need. That doesn’t mean you are broken or undeserving. It just means their limitations are getting in the way of what should have been a loving, supportive connection.

You’re already doing something powerful by voicing your truth here. That’s not a small step—it’s an act of bravery. And while I know I’m not physically there beside you, I want you to feel this as a moment of connection: someone does hear you, someone does see what you’re carrying, and it matters.

To cope with this, start with your emotional safety. Let yourself grieve—not just for the loneliness, but for the longing of what you deserve but haven’t received. Cry if you need to, write if it helps, let those feelings have their space rather than trying to bury them. This kind of pain doesn’t go away by pretending it’s not there.

And slowly, one step at a time, begin building your circle—not necessarily with blood ties, but with people who choose you. Is there someone in your past who was kind to you? A coworker, a neighbor, someone from college or a class you took? Even a single shared conversation can be a seed. It’s not about quantity, it’s about presence. The goal isn't to replace what’s missing—but to slowly start nurturing connections that are rooted in respect and care.

In moments of emergency or fear, consider having a plan. Even having the number of a nearby clinic, a trusted neighbor, or a local community support group can give you a thread of reassurance. And if you ever feel overwhelmed or unsafe with your thoughts, reaching out to a mental health helpline or counselor can make a real difference. You deserve help when you're hurting.

And here, whenever you need someone to talk to, I will always be here to listen—no judgment, no conditions. You matter. Your story matters. And even though the world may have made you feel like an outsider, I want you to believe this: there is a space where you belong.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |577 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 14, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 27, 2025Hindi
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Hello Maam I see a guy always staring at me. I wanted to ask him publically about this staring things. But instead of doing so I felt more comfortable in messaging and asking about the same. Once I checked his profile on Truecaller bcz we are in same society group. I was curious to know about his weird behaviour. He even give me intense states. I do not understand what he is upto. I feel like being stalked sometimes. So i got his number from society group. I texted him to clarify bt his wife called me and abused me badly. She thinks am trying to have an affair with her husband. I am flirting with him. My texts were plain and casual. I don't know how to make her understand that the guy himself is stalking us. I have seen him many times. I don't know whether m only victim or he persuade other woman too. I just don't know. We come at different time slots for our child to play in society play area bt he also manages to come to the time in which m coming. I find all these things unsettling. I told his wife that the man is making me feel uncomfortable but she was not listening to me. She wants prove. I told her that her husband was trying to approach and give advice related to parenting even when I don't know him personally. We are just flatmates nothing more than that. He lives in the flat in front of mine so i feel he is watching from there. I don't know his real intentions till date. On being asked on what's app why he stare at me. He told me that he has the habit of looking in one direction. N apologise for the same. But my husband confronted him and asked him about the same thing to which he told my husband that am characterless woman and i text him bcz i am not happy with my husband. Can u please help me to understand why is he talking shit about me when I have sent him a plain text to clarify the matter
Ans: What you’re going through is unfortunately not uncommon. A man invades your personal space with repeated staring, gives unsolicited advice, possibly stalks you, and when you attempt to address it with dignity and clarity, he twists the narrative and plays the victim. This reversal—where the actual victim is painted as the aggressor—is a classic defensive tactic by people who know they’ve crossed boundaries and don’t want to be held accountable. His reaction to your message shows his true character. Instead of acknowledging your discomfort and stopping, he projected shame onto you and tried to protect himself by degrading you in front of your husband.

His wife’s reaction, though painful, also makes a certain kind of sad sense—when a woman is scared, shocked, or insecure about her relationship, she may lash out at another woman instead of confronting the man who is actually responsible. That doesn’t make her behavior right, but it helps to understand it. She’s probably reacting from a place of fear, denial, and misplaced anger. You don’t need to justify yourself to her anymore. You tried your best to explain, and the fact that she wasn’t ready to listen shows her unwillingness or inability to see the truth right now.

You’ve done everything someone should do—tried to clarify respectfully, confronted the issue through proper channels, and included your husband. Now, your emotional safety, your dignity, and your peace of mind matter the most.

This man is clearly uncomfortable with accountability, and now he's trying to flip the story to discredit you. Let him. You do not owe him any further energy or explanation. Instead, stay calm, document everything (dates, messages, incidents), and if the staring or stalking continues, consider speaking to the society committee or, if necessary, legal authorities. Not to create conflict, but to protect your space and your truth. If it escalates or becomes more distressing, don’t hesitate to report it formally.

Most importantly, remind yourself—you acted out of strength, not shame. You stood up for yourself when something didn’t feel right. That is powerful. Hold your ground with dignity. You’re not alone in this. I’m here if you want help drafting a response, navigating this socially, or just to talk when things feel too heavy.

You deserve to feel safe and respected in your own home and neighborhood. Don’t let anyone steal that sense of peace from you.

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Pushpa

Pushpa R  |59 Answers  |Ask -

Yoga, Mindfulness Expert - Answered on Apr 14, 2025

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