Home > Money > Question
Need Expert Advice?Our Gurus Can Help

Should I Withdraw From SIPs and Put Money in FDs at 46? Working Woman with 1.2 Cr Portfolio Seeks Advice

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |10902 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Nov 18, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Nov 10, 2024Hindi
Listen
Money

I'm 46 years old working woman. My SIP portfolio is currently 1.20 crores and I invest 29k every month through SIPs. I am a very disciplined investor and have only withdrawn money from my portfolio for my son's college education. However, given the recent market volatility, I was wondering if I should withdraw a significant portion from my portfolio and start FDs which will yield less profits but are relatively safe. My savings and investment are going to be my retirement fund as I won't have any post retirement earnings / benefits from my job. I am expecting to continue working for another 2 years after which I will retire. I live in my own house which I co-own with my husband. I have no debt.

Ans: You have built a strong SIP portfolio worth Rs 1.20 crores. Your discipline in investing is impressive. This approach ensures long-term growth and financial security.

You invest Rs 29,000 monthly, which aligns with your future retirement needs.

Living in a debt-free, owned house adds stability to your financial situation.

Since you plan to retire in two years, preserving your retirement corpus is critical.

Concerns About Market Volatility
Market fluctuations can be unsettling, especially near retirement. However, long-term SIP investments often outgrow volatility.

Withdrawing your portfolio now may lock in losses during a downtrend.

Redeploying funds into FDs may not match your retirement income needs due to low returns.

Equity investments are key to beating inflation, ensuring your money retains its purchasing power over time.

Alternatives to Withdrawing Your Investments
1. Gradually Reduce Equity Exposure

Start reallocating a portion of your portfolio from equity to debt mutual funds.

Debt mutual funds offer lower risk and steady returns compared to equities.

This approach reduces market-related risks while maintaining better returns than FDs.

2. Maintain a Balanced Portfolio

Retain a mix of equity and debt funds in your portfolio.

Equity provides growth, while debt offers stability. A 60:40 equity-to-debt ratio may suit your situation.

Consult a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) to fine-tune the allocation based on your retirement goals.

3. Build an Emergency Fund

Set aside six months’ expenses in a liquid fund or bank savings account.

This ensures easy access to funds without disturbing your investments.

4. Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP)

After retiring, consider setting up an SWP in your mutual funds.

This provides regular income while keeping the bulk of your corpus invested.

SWP allows better tax efficiency than FD interest.

Drawbacks of Moving to Fixed Deposits
1. Low Returns

FD returns may not beat inflation over the long term.

This can erode the purchasing power of your retirement corpus.

2. Tax Inefficiency

FD interest is taxed as per your income slab, reducing effective returns.

Mutual funds, especially debt funds, offer better tax efficiency.

Advantages of Staying Invested in Mutual Funds
1. Compounding Benefits

Long-term mutual fund investments benefit from compounding, enhancing growth.
2. Diversification

Your SIPs already spread risk across asset classes and sectors.

Diversification mitigates the impact of volatility.

3. Flexibility

You can adjust your portfolio allocation without completely withdrawing.
Recommended Steps Before Retirement
1. Define Your Retirement Corpus Requirement

Estimate post-retirement expenses, considering inflation and healthcare costs.

Ensure your portfolio aligns with these needs.

2. Secure Adequate Health Insurance

Ensure you and your family have sufficient health insurance coverage.

This prevents medical emergencies from draining your retirement funds.

3. Gradual Rebalancing

Move a part of your equity investments into safer options like debt funds over the next two years.

This reduces exposure to market risks as retirement nears.

4. Avoid Panic Decisions

Market volatility is normal and often short-lived.

Avoid making emotional decisions that may harm your financial goals.

5. Seek Professional Guidance

Work with a Certified Financial Planner to review and optimise your retirement strategy.

A CFP will help you align your investments with your long-term goals.

Final Insights
Switching entirely to FDs may seem safe, but it can jeopardise your retirement goals. Instead, focus on rebalancing your portfolio to align with your changing risk profile. A combination of equity, debt, and liquid funds can ensure both growth and safety. Continue your disciplined approach, and your investments will provide the stability and income needed for a comfortable retirement.

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
Money

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |10902 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 17, 2024

Listen
Money
Hi, I am 33yr old Male drawing 67k per month in hand. I invest monthly 17k in SIP (5k in Axis Small Cap Reg, 4K in ICICI Large & Mid cap, 4K in ICICI blue chip and 4K in HDFC Balanced Advantage IDCW) I have 58lakh home loan (jointly with wife) which comes around 22k per head per month for 20years. I have a 4year old son want to save a substantial amount for his education and also simultaneously wants to have a corpus of 5cr for my retirement. The SIP I am currently investing is for long term. Please suggest if I should continue with my same portfolio or there should some changes?
Ans: Evaluating and Optimizing Your Investment Strategy

Thank you for sharing the details of your financial situation and goals. Your current investment strategy is commendable, with a disciplined approach towards SIPs and long-term planning. Let's review your portfolio and explore any potential adjustments to better align with your goals.

Current Investment Analysis
You are investing ?17,000 per month across different mutual funds, which is a solid approach. Here’s a breakdown:

Axis Small Cap Fund: ?5,000
ICICI Large & Mid Cap Fund: ?4,000
ICICI Blue Chip Fund: ?4,000
HDFC Balanced Advantage Fund (IDCW): ?4,000
Home Loan Consideration
Your home loan is significant, and managing the EMI of ?22,000 per head per month over 20 years requires careful planning. Balancing loan repayment with investments is crucial for financial stability.

Goals and Financial Planning
You aim to save for your son’s education and build a corpus of ?5 crores for retirement. Both goals are achievable with a structured and diversified investment plan.

Suggested Portfolio Adjustments
Diversification and Risk Management
Your current portfolio includes a mix of small-cap, large & mid-cap, blue-chip, and balanced advantage funds. While this provides a good mix of growth and stability, a few adjustments could enhance diversification and risk management.

Reduce Concentration in Small Cap
Small-cap funds are high-risk and high-reward. Given your goals, consider reducing exposure to small-cap funds slightly and reallocating to more stable funds.

Increase Exposure to Balanced and Large Cap Funds
Balanced and large-cap funds offer stability and consistent returns. Increasing your investment in these funds can provide a more balanced risk-return profile.

Introduce Multi-Cap Fund
Multi-cap funds invest across all market capitalizations, providing diversification and flexibility. Adding a multi-cap fund can enhance your portfolio’s resilience.

Revised SIP Allocation Suggestion
Consider the following revised SIP allocation:

Large-Cap Fund (ICICI Blue Chip): Increase to ?6,000
Multi-Cap Fund: Introduce with ?4,000
Balanced Advantage Fund (HDFC Balanced Advantage): Maintain ?4,000
Large & Mid Cap Fund (ICICI Large & Mid Cap): Maintain ?4,000
Small-Cap Fund (Axis Small Cap): Reduce to ?3,000
This revised allocation provides a balanced approach, reducing risk while aiming for substantial growth.

Planning for Son’s Education
Child-Specific Funds
Consider investing in child-specific mutual funds or equity-oriented savings schemes. These funds are designed to meet educational expenses and have tax benefits.

Separate Education Corpus
Open a separate investment account dedicated to your son's education. Invest systematically to build a substantial corpus over the next 14 years.

Retirement Planning
Consistent SIPs
Continue your SIPs with the revised allocation to build a retirement corpus. Regularly review and increase your SIP amount in line with income growth and inflation.

Long-Term Focus
Remain focused on long-term growth. Avoid frequent portfolio changes based on short-term market movements. Consistency and patience are key.

Monitoring and Rebalancing
Regular Review
Review your portfolio at least once a year. Ensure it remains aligned with your goals and risk tolerance. Rebalance if necessary.

Professional Guidance
Consult a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) periodically. A CFP can provide personalized advice and help optimize your investment strategy based on changing financial needs and market conditions.

Conclusion
Your current investment strategy is on the right track. With minor adjustments to enhance diversification and risk management, you can achieve your financial goals more effectively. Stay disciplined, regularly review your portfolio, and seek professional guidance to ensure long-term success.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |10902 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 18, 2024

Listen
Money
Hi , My age 47 yrs. started SIP in 2010 after watching CNBC TV started with 3000 in 3 fund and increased to 63000 in 16 fund for me and my wife. Accumulated 1 CR. till now. For my son education I Need 25 lac every year for 5 years from next year. I kept 5 lac emergency fund. PPF for family is 1.1 CR. No Fixed deposit. I have adequate Term and health Insurance. Equity 10 lac. Should I withdraw money from MF and put in FD or wait till next year considering volatility in market ?
Ans: Evaluating Options for Funding Son's Education
Congratulations on achieving a significant milestone with your mutual fund investments! Let's assess the best approach for funding your son's education while considering the current market volatility.

Current Financial Position
Investment Success
Accumulating ?1 crore through SIPs demonstrates your disciplined approach and ability to build wealth over time.

Emergency Fund
Maintaining a ?5 lakh emergency fund ensures financial security and provides a safety net during unexpected situations.

PPF Investment
Your substantial PPF investment of ?1.1 crore indicates a long-term savings strategy for future needs.

Funding Son's Education
Financial Requirement
Requiring ?25 lakh annually for your son's education for 5 years presents a significant financial commitment.

Withdrawal Consideration
Evaluate the pros and cons of withdrawing from mutual funds versus maintaining investments given the current market volatility.

Assessment of Options
Pros of Withdrawing from MFs
Immediate access to funds for your son's education without relying on loans or other sources.
Certainty of having the required amount available when needed.
Cons of Withdrawing from MFs
Potential loss of future returns if the market recovers and investments perform well.
Disruption to long-term investment strategy and financial goals.
Considering Market Volatility
Short-Term Impact
Market volatility may affect the value of your mutual fund investments in the short term.

Long-Term Perspective
However, taking a long-term view, historical data suggests that markets tend to recover over time, and staying invested can potentially yield higher returns.

Decision Making
Risk Appetite
Consider your risk tolerance and comfort level with market fluctuations when making the decision to withdraw funds from mutual funds.

Time Horizon
With your son's education starting next year, prioritize liquidity and stability of funds needed for immediate expenses.

Conclusion
While the decision ultimately depends on your individual financial circumstances and risk tolerance, withdrawing funds from mutual funds to finance your son's education may be a prudent choice considering the short time horizon and the certainty of meeting the financial requirement.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |10902 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Oct 03, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 19, 2024Hindi
Money
I am 44 year old. It’s been 7 years I started doing sip with 40000. in below funds. 1. mirae asset mid and small cap 10k 2. HSBC small cap 20k 3. Kotak flexi cap 10k Now I want to stop the above fund and start investing 40k for next 7-8 years 1. Nippon India Small Cap Fund 10k 2. Quant Small Cap 10k 3. Motilal Oswal midcap fund 10k 4. SBI Contra fund 10k So is this a good move or do I need to make any changes in future fund choices? Please suggest.
Ans: It's commendable that you've consistently invested Rs 40,000 in SIPs for seven years. This discipline will have contributed significantly to your long-term financial security. The funds you initially selected, a mix of mid-cap, small-cap, and flexi-cap funds, offered a reasonable balance of growth potential and risk management.

However, before making any changes, let’s evaluate your current strategy:

Mid and Small Cap Focus: Mid-cap and small-cap funds generally provide higher returns but come with higher volatility. Since you’ve already held these for seven years, the compounding effect should have worked in your favour.

Flexi Cap for Stability: Flexi-cap funds allow fund managers to adjust between large, mid, and small caps, adding a safety net for your portfolio. This brings stability while maintaining growth potential.

Now, moving to your proposed changes:

Evaluating Your New Fund Choices
You’re looking to switch to a different set of funds while keeping the Rs 40,000 investment amount intact. Let’s evaluate this new mix:

Small Cap Funds (Rs 20,000): You plan to invest half of your SIPs in small-cap funds. Small caps offer higher growth but can be volatile, especially in the short term. Given your 7-8 year horizon, they can work in your favour, but it’s important to balance this with less risky investments. An excessive focus on small-cap funds may expose you to high risk, particularly in market downturns.

Mid Cap Fund (Rs 10,000): Mid-cap funds are a good middle ground. They have the potential for high returns with slightly lower volatility than small-cap funds. A mid-cap allocation can boost your portfolio, but again, this should not be too dominant.

Contra Fund (Rs 10,000): Contra funds work on a contrarian investment strategy, investing in undervalued stocks with the expectation of long-term appreciation. This is a unique addition that can offer diversification. However, contra funds require a long investment horizon to realize gains, as they depend on market corrections.

Insights on Your Strategy
While the new fund choices reflect a strong growth-oriented strategy, there are some potential concerns:

High Exposure to Small Caps: Allocating Rs 20,000 to small-cap funds increases your risk profile. Small caps are more volatile and tend to underperform during market corrections. A better approach might be to reduce your exposure to small caps and diversify into more stable categories like large-cap or flexi-cap funds.

Missing Large-Cap Stability: Your current selection excludes large-cap funds, which are vital for balancing risk in an equity portfolio. Large caps offer steady growth with lower volatility, making them essential for risk management, especially when nearing retirement age.

Contrarian Strategy Consideration: While contra funds can offer good returns, they rely heavily on timing and market corrections. Given that you’re looking at a 7-8 year horizon, you may need to closely monitor its performance.

Actively Managed Funds Over Index Funds
You’ve wisely chosen actively managed funds over index funds. Actively managed funds allow fund managers to take advantage of market fluctuations, adjusting their strategies to outperform indices. Index funds, while low-cost, lack the flexibility to react to market conditions. Actively managed funds provide better growth potential over the long term, especially in volatile markets.

Suggested Adjustments to Your Strategy
While your proposed fund choices are growth-focused, it’s important to consider a more balanced approach. Here are some adjustments that can help:

Add Large-Cap Funds: Large-cap funds provide stability and consistent returns. A 20-25% allocation to large-cap funds can help reduce volatility in your portfolio, offering a cushion during market downturns.

Reduce Small-Cap Exposure: Consider limiting your small-cap exposure to 10-15% of your total SIP amount. This will ensure you still benefit from the growth potential of small caps while protecting your portfolio from excessive risk.

Keep Flexibility with Flexi-Cap Funds: Instead of removing flexi-cap funds from your portfolio, you might want to retain them. Flexi-cap funds allow fund managers to move between large, mid, and small caps, giving them the flexibility to navigate market cycles effectively.

Long-Term Investment Horizon
Given your investment horizon of 7-8 years, equity mutual funds are a good fit. However, it's important to remember that as you approach retirement, you’ll want to gradually shift towards safer investments. Over the next 3-4 years, consider gradually increasing your exposure to balanced funds or debt funds to reduce risk.

Regular Reviews and Rebalancing
Once your new investment strategy is in place, make sure to review your portfolio regularly. The market changes over time, and so do your financial needs. A yearly review with a Certified Financial Planner can help ensure your investments remain aligned with your goals.

Final Insights
Your plan to switch your SIPs reflects a growth-focused approach, which is excellent given your long-term horizon. However, consider the following adjustments for a more balanced portfolio:

Reduce small-cap exposure to avoid excessive volatility.

Add large-cap funds for stability.

Retain flexi-cap funds for flexibility.

This diversified strategy will provide you with both growth potential and risk management, ensuring you build a solid corpus for the future.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

Latest Questions
Reetika

Reetika Sharma  |432 Answers  |Ask -

Financial Planner, MF and Insurance Expert - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 16, 2025Hindi
Money
Hello Reetika Mam, I am 48 year having privet Job. I have started investment from 2017, current value of investment is 82L and having monthly 50K SIP as below. My goal to have 2.5Cr corpus at the age of 58. Please advice... 1. Nippon India small cap -Growth Rs 5,000 2. Sundaram Mid Cap fund Regular plan-Growth Rs 5,000 3. ICICI Prudential Small Cap- Growth Rs 10,000 4. ICICI Prudential Large Cap fund-Growth Rs 5,000 5. ICICI Prudential Balanced Adv. fund-Growth Rs 5,000 6. DSP Small Cap fund Regular Growth Rs 5,000 7. Nippn India Pharma Fund- Growth Rs 5,000 8. SBI focused Fund Regular plan- Growth Rs 5,000 9. SBI Dynamic Asset Allocation Active FoF-Regular-Growth Rs 5,000
Ans: Hi,

You can easily achieve your goal of 2.5 crores after 10 years. Your current investment value of 82 lakhs alone can grow to 2.5 crores assuming CAGR of 12% and monthly 50k SIP will give additional 1.1 crores, making a total corpus of 3.6 crores at 58.

But I see a problem with your current allocation. The fund selection is more aligned towards small caps of different AMCs and very concentrated and overlapped portfolio.
You need to diversify it so as to secure your current investment while getting a decent CAGR of 12% over next 10 years.
Focus on changing your current funds to large caps and BAFs and flexicaps and avoid sectoral funds.

You can also work with an advisor to get detailed analysis of your portfolio.
Hence you should consult a professional Certified Financial Planner - a CFP who can guide you with exact funds to invest in keeping in mind your age, requirements, financial goals and risk profile. A CFP periodically reviews your portfolio and suggest any amendments to be made, if required.

Let me know if you need more help.

Best Regards,
Reetika Sharma, Certified Financial Planner
https://www.instagram.com/cfpreetika/

...Read more

Reetika

Reetika Sharma  |432 Answers  |Ask -

Financial Planner, MF and Insurance Expert - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Money
Hi, I am 32 years old, married, and have a 4-year-old daughter. My monthly take-home salary is 55,000 rupees, and my wife's salary is 31,000 rupees, making our total income 86,000 rupees. I am currently in a lot of debt. Our total EMIs amount to 99,910 rupees (total loans with an average interest rate of 12.5%), and even with my father covering most of the monthly expenses, I still spend about 10,000 rupees. This leaves me with a shortage of approximately 25,000 rupees (debt) every month. My total debt across various banks is 36,50,000 rupees, and I also have a gold loan of 14 lakhs. I cannot change the EMI or loan tenure for another year. I also have a 2 lakh rupee loan from private lenders at an 18% interest rate. My total debt is over 52 lakhs. Now, with gold and silver prices rising, I'm worried that I won't be able to buy them again. I have an opportunity to get a 2 lakh rupee loan at a 12% interest rate, and I'm thinking of using that money to buy gold and silver and then pledge them at the bank again. Half of my current gold loan is from a similar situation – I took a loan from private lenders, bought gold, and then took a gold loan from the bank to repay the private loan. Given my current situation and my family's circumstances, should I buy more gold or focus on repaying my debts? What should I do? The monthly interest on my loans is approximately 50,000 rupees, meaning 50,000 rupees of my salary goes towards interest every month. What should I do in this situation? I also have an SBI Jan Nivesh SIP of 2000 rupees per month for the last four months. I have no savings left. I am thinking of taking out term insurance and health insurance, but I am hesitating because I don't have the money. I am looking for some suggestions to get out of these debts.
Ans: Hi Surya,

You are in a very complicated situation. This whole debt trapped needs to be worked on very judiciously. Let us go through all the aspects in detail.

1. Your total monthly household salary - 86000; monthly expense - 10000 contribution as of now; monthly EMI - approx. 1 lakhs.
2. Current loans - 36.5 lakhs from various banks at 12.5%; Gold Loan - 14 lakhs; private lenders - 2 lakhs at 18% >> totalling to 52 lakhs.
3. 50k interest per month payable - implies capital payment is very less leading to more problem.

- Keen on buying gold with loan. This is where more problem will began. Avoid buying gold using loan.
- Your focus should be on reducing your debt instead of increasing it.

Strategy to follow:
1. Close the loan with higher interest rate - 2 lakh personal lender. This will reduce your EMI and give you more potential to prepay other loans.
2. Try and take financial help from your family in prepaying small loans from banks. This can reduce your burden.
3. If you have any unused assets, can sell them to pay off your loans.

Points to NOTE:
> Avoid taking any more loans.
> When your EMI burden reduces, do make an emergency fund of 2-3 lakhs for yourself for any uncetain situation.
> Make sure to have a health insurance for yourself and family.
> Can stop your investments for now. They are of no use if your EMIs are more than your income. Can start investing once your EMI's reduce atleast by 20-30% for you.

Let me know if you need more help.

Best Regards,
Reetika Sharma, Certified Financial Planner
https://www.instagram.com/cfpreetika/

...Read more

Reetika

Reetika Sharma  |432 Answers  |Ask -

Financial Planner, MF and Insurance Expert - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Money
Hello Sir ; I am 55 years old & have decided to retire by end of 2025 . My wife is in teaching profession , earns appx. 3.5 L / annum & will continue her service till 2037( @60 yrs. of age ) . My only child is an intellectually disabled person ( with Autism ) , 14 years of age & will be incapable to earn . As on date , I have 60 L in MF , going to sell a property by end of this year @ 41 L ( it is fixed ) , appx 5L in Bank & postal FD . My wife have 45L in MF as on date & 3 fully paid premium ULIP policy which will be matured by 2030. She can get appx. 25 L from there . This is by and large my family financial status . Now , my queries to you that with this corpus , how we manage our ( myself & wife’s ) livelihood & most important that to manage a continuous cash flow for my disabled child till his age 65 i.e. 50 years from now . Primarily , I have thought of SWP & MIS schemes to get regular income for th retirement . My present family expense is appx. 1L per month . Therefore , I do seek your expert advice in this regards . I will be highly obliged if you kindly address to my query . thanking you , with best regards ; Suprabhat Jatty.
Ans: Hi Suprabhat,

Let us analyse all things in detail - one at a time.
1. 5L in Bank and FD - this is your emergency fund. But if there is a lock-in on the postal FD, you need atleast 5 lakhs in bank FD as your emergency fund.
2. Health Insurance - it is the prime requirement for you and your family. You should have one covering you, your spouse as well as your kid. It will help you in uncertain health conditions of youself and family.
3. ULIP Policy - Usually policies like such are not beneficial. But these are all paid-up, good point here. Whenever you get this, try to invest it in equity and hybrid mutual funds.
4. You will get 41 lakhs from property selling. Invest the entire amount in mutual funds, a mix of equity and debt funds.
5. Cumulative MF portfolio = 1.05 crores. As the entire corpus is huge, take the advice of a proper advisor on managing your overall investments and portfolio. A guided investment always generates better result than a random portfolio.

Your annual needs - 12 lakhs; Wife will earn - 3.5 lakhs till 2037. You need additional 8.5 lakhs per year to manage your expenses.
- You can initiate a SWP from your overall savings after allocating it in correct funds with the help of advisor.
- You need to have a dedicated corpus for your son's need in your absence. Atleast 50-70 lakhs should be kept solely for your son.
- The overall corpus seems insufficient to meet your requirements for now. You can either postpone your retirement and create an additional savings corpus for your future and son. Or you may consider to work on your monthly budget.

Do work with a professional advisor to guide you with exact funds to meet your desired goals.
Hence consult a professional Certified Financial Planner - a CFP who can guide you with exact funds to invest in keeping in mind your age, requirements, financial goals and risk profile. A CFP periodically reviews your portfolio and suggest any amendments to be made, if required.

Let me know if you need more help.

Best Regards,
Reetika Sharma, Certified Financial Planner
https://www.instagram.com/cfpreetika/

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |648 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 17, 2025Hindi
Relationship
I am 43 years old married man, arranged marriage. Married for past 13 years with 4 kids (aged 2, 3, 10 and 13). I work abroad with good salary package and live with my family. My wife is MSc. and home maker. She teaches the kids and cooks and takes good care of kids. I am academic research scholar. From the start of our marriage, I noticed my wife does not open much and moderate religious person. I am also not very extrovert person. I work from 8 am to 5 pm in office which is walkable distance from my house. After coming from office, I help her in kichen daily, look after the kids, help kids in math, clean the house, put the yougest kid to sleep, then I get some 'me' time which happens only after 11:30 pm in the night. I dont use phone untill everybody is sleep or my kids dont allow me to use phone while i am playing with them. Now sometimes I feel we are just room mates with 1-2 times sex in a month. In terms of love with my wife, I initiate all the time, she never expresses love. I am not very possessive kind of person. She does not show any interest in my work and never ask me hows my day etc. She only smiles and rarely laught. I thought may be it will improve with time. There is no money issue, she buys what ever she likes. She has her own card and I provide extra money if she asks. I assumed may be she does not like me from the beginning but staying in marriage due to family pressure and kids. I am average looking person and dont accept everything what she says in terms of investment, holiday etc. I had accepted my fate. She started doing book writing and publishing online and now earning and keeping separate account, She is very excited about it and feels happy and shares with me the publication but not the earnings. I give suggestions and money what ever she asks for marketting and promotion etc. I am happy for her. Recently I came across an email in her phone which was from her ex. There was a long deleted chat, in summary they were madly in love but could not get married, i dont know the reason or even she never spoke about him. they kept chatting even after our marriage. Her ex got married and divorsed with one grownup kid. He is single and work abroad in a different country with good salary package (may be better than mine). She emailed him after long time I guess but now she is secretly chatting with him very often. she keeps her phone locked and deletes the chats. He is also interested and asking her to leave and marry him. She is not saying yes to him but regrets that she married me. At this point I dont know if I should talk to her regarding this but she will definitely be upset to know i checked her phone. Few years back we had a major fight (that time i didnot know about her ex), i had proposed for divorse and settle it mutually if she is not happy with me but she denied and stayed. I dont know what I should do to make her happy. we both are from very respected family in the society and I dont know if her parents knew about her affair. Even though she is chatting with him but she behaves very normal with me, no fight no argument, as if nothing is happening. I dont know whats in her mind, is she just casually chatting with him or buying time, waiting for the right moment to leave? Shall I file for divorse or accept my fate as room mates. Am I worrying too much?
Ans: First, let me say this clearly: you are not worrying “too much.” Your concerns are valid. When emotional connection, affection, and curiosity about each other’s inner worlds are absent for years, and when secrecy enters the relationship, it naturally shakes trust. The fact that she is emotionally engaging with a past love, hiding communication, and expressing regret about marrying you — even if not directly to your face — is not a small or harmless thing. It doesn’t automatically mean she will leave, but it does mean there is unresolved emotional business that cannot be ignored.
At the same time, it’s important not to jump straight to extremes like divorce or silent resignation. Right now, the most important thing is clarity — for you and for her. Living as silent roommates while carrying this knowledge will slowly erode your self-worth and peace of mind. You deserve honesty, and your marriage deserves a chance to be examined truthfully, not just maintained for appearances, family reputation, or routine.
If you choose to speak to her, the way you approach it will matter far more than the fact that you looked at her phone. Try not to lead with accusation or surveillance. Lead with your emotional reality. You can say something like: you’ve been feeling emotionally distant for a long time, you feel you’re always the one initiating closeness, and recently you’ve felt even more unsettled and insecure about where you stand in her life. You don’t need to reveal every detail of what you saw immediately; the goal is to open a conversation about emotional honesty, not to trap her in a confession.
Pay close attention to how she responds. Not defensiveness alone, but whether she shows willingness to reflect, to talk about her inner world, and to consider rebuilding emotional intimacy with you. A marriage can sometimes be repaired even after emotional betrayal — but only if both partners are willing to be transparent and actively work on reconnecting. If she avoids the conversation, minimizes your feelings, or continues secrecy, then you will have important information about where the marriage truly stands.
It’s also worth acknowledging something gently but honestly: your wife may have spent years emotionally closed not because of you alone, but because she never fully processed the loss of that earlier relationship. Her recent independence and success may have stirred unresolved emotions and old longings. That explains her behavior, but it does not justify secrecy or emotional infidelity. Understanding this can help you speak with compassion without sacrificing your boundaries.
Before making any legal decisions, I strongly encourage you to consider couples counseling, ideally with someone experienced in long-term marriages and emotional affairs. A neutral space can help both of you speak truths that feel too risky at home. It will also help you understand whether she wants to stay and rebuild, or whether she is emotionally preparing to leave.
As for “accepting your fate,” I want to be very clear: accepting a life where you feel invisible, undesired, and emotionally alone is not a virtue. It is a slow form of self-erasure. Your children benefit most not from parents who silently endure, but from adults who model honesty, self-respect, and emotional responsibility.
You don’t have to decide everything right now. But you do need to stop carrying this alone. The next step is not divorce or resignation — it’s an honest, calm, courageous conversation focused on emotional truth. From there, the path forward will become clearer, even if it’s difficult.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |648 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 16, 2025Hindi
Relationship
My husband doesn't lock the door when we have s**. This was the main reason for his ex-wife to divorce him. His parents feel that it is safer to keep the door unlocked in case of emergencies. But honestly,I feel awkward. I am not comfortable. Once his sister casually walked in to pick up some stuff, ignoring us on the bed. I was clothed but it still made me feel uncomfortable. We don't have a private bedroom but we use the bed at night. There are two shared wardrobes in the room which people need to access. I have explained this to my husband but he says I need to learn to adjust and work around it. Even if the door is closed, I always fear that someone might just walk in. What to do?
Ans: This is not a small preference issue. This is about personal boundaries and bodily autonomy. Even if nothing “bad” has happened, the fear of being walked in on is enough to make your body stay tense. That anxiety alone can affect your sense of dignity, desire, and emotional security. The fact that his ex-wife divorced him over the same issue tells you that this pattern is longstanding and not something you are imagining.
Your husband and his parents may frame this as “safety” or “emergency access,” but that argument does not hold when weighed against your right to privacy. Emergencies are rare; violations of comfort are happening now. A locked door during intimacy does not mean negligence—it means respect. Many families manage emergencies with simple alternatives like knocking, calling out, or keeping keys for true emergencies. What’s happening instead is that your need for privacy is being minimized, and you are being asked to suppress discomfort for the convenience of others.
The incident with his sister casually entering is especially important. Even though you were clothed, your body registered that as a boundary breach. The fact that it was brushed off is likely reinforcing your fear that this could happen again. Over time, this can quietly erode trust and sexual comfort—not because you’re “overthinking,” but because your nervous system is constantly on alert.
You need to shift the conversation with your husband away from “adjustment” and toward non-negotiable boundaries. This isn’t about arguing logic; it’s about stating a clear emotional and physical limit. You might say something like:
“I cannot feel safe or comfortable being intimate without privacy. This isn’t something I can adjust to. If intimacy continues without a locked door, I will start avoiding it—not out of punishment, but because my body feels unsafe.”
That’s not a threat. That’s honesty.
If the room layout is genuinely impractical, then the solution is not for you to tolerate discomfort, but for the household to change logistics—restricted access at night, fixed timings, or creating a private space. Privacy is a shared responsibility, not a burden placed on one person to endure.
If your husband continues to dismiss this after you clearly express it, that’s a deeper issue than doors. It signals a lack of attunement to your emotional safety, and that deserves serious attention—possibly with a counselor, especially given that this issue has already broken a marriage before.
You are not asking for something unreasonable. You are asking for respect.

...Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1754 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Relationship
Mam, I know some ways by which i can change my state of mind from lazy to working.. and having pressure/deadline helps to move on. But still I'm get trapped in guilt of actions and don't feel confident that next time i will be able to control myself..( cuz some actions give short pleasure/gratification easily.. but guilts also). And in all those silent, sad, depressed emotional time my Real working time gets wasted.. and feels like I just live in more guilt and saddness..even if it hurts. But don't wanna live like that!! What I do?
Ans: Dear Work,
Focus in any area of Life comes only when you realize WHY you are doing WHAT you are doing in that area.
For eg: If you decide to lose weight and just randomly join the gym without understanding WHY you are in the gym, a few days later, you will drop out. Mind you, that LOSING WEIGHT is not your reason; WHY do you want to lose that weight is the only thing that will keep you focused and motivated.
Hence, if you are giving into short term distractions, then obviously whatever it is that you are doing is not interesting you and so you get easily distracted.
Take one area of your life at a time; drop your goals in paper and mark a strong WHY against each. If it isn't motivating you enough, go back to the Drawing Board and do the exercise until you find that fire in your belly.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

Close  

You haven't logged in yet. To ask a question, Please Log in below
Login

A verification OTP will be sent to this
Mobile Number / Email

Enter OTP
A 6 digit code has been sent to

Resend OTP in120seconds

Dear User, You have not registered yet. Please register by filling the fields below to get expert answers from our Gurus
Sign up

By signing up, you agree to our
Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy

Already have an account?

Enter OTP
A 6 digit code has been sent to Mobile

Resend OTP in120seconds

x