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Dr Aarti

Dr Aarti Bakshi  |40 Answers  |Ask -

Child and Parenting Counsellor - Answered on Aug 24, 2023

Dr Aarti Bakshi is a psychologist licensed by the Rehabilitation Council of India.
A school counsellor, she has worked for 15 years with young adults.
She has two PhD degrees -- developmental psychology from Global Institute of Healthcare Management and clinical psychology from Singhania University.
She is on the CBSE panel for counsellors and special educators. She collaborates with SAAR Education to help children develop life skills.
She has authored SEL (social emotional learning) journals for Grades 1-8.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Aug 12, 2023Hindi
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How should a person loving children, but having no children of his own be, spouse doesn't like adoption. I see every child (nephew/niece) as my own kids, but it hurts when they don't correspond until me as they do with their parents. Feeling very depressed, but cannot show it out

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
A great way to be part of a child's/childrens lives is to support them. Playing games, teaching them a skill, even creating content as life lessons. A favourite uncle is a great position to have.
support in arranging picnics, birthday party help as a game event manager for neices and nephews also is another way.
writing stories for children or volunteering at local libraries will get lots of children to hear you.
Supporting children in NGO's is another way.

A suggestion to kindly consider is that parents are comfortable with 'trusted adults' who maintain 'personal bubble space' and follow 'safe and unsafe rules'. Go ahead and think of great fun games, children of all ages can and will connect if you have a playground near your home.
DISCLAIMER: The answer provided by rediffGURUS is for informational and general awareness purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional medical diagnosis or treatment.
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First of all I would like to remain anonymous. As the world is happy with work from home I am not. It's been a year since my marriage but each day I desperately wait for offices to open so I can shift with my husband to another place and live independently. It's not like in laws trouble me or something; on the contrary they are good. But I feel suffocated. I am supposed to look after my sister in law's son which is the main reason for my depression. I've been through legitimate depression so I know when I am going through it. Now sister in law is moving abroad leaving her son to permanently live with us! I can't Anu I just can't. I am postponing having my own kid because I want to live an independent happy life at least for few years with my husband without the responsibility of a child. But I don't remember a single day after my marriage without a child in between. It's not like I don't love that child; I do. I just don't want to take responsibility of him and it's not even fair to ask of me that right. I am not happy. I really want to be. Please help me please.
Ans: Dear T, Simply be assertive and put your foot down.

Sometimes people do not respect boundaries till they are made aware that there are boundaries.

Supporting your sister-in-law to care for her son on a few occasions as the boy’s aunt is a great thing but playing the boy’s mom is not what you need to sign up for! And what you haven’t signed up for, isn’t something that you need to follow through.

Take charge, if you don’t someone else will as they already have; almost assuming that anything is fine with you.

The boy isn’t your responsibility and for anyone to assume that is unnecessary.

This has gone on because you have allowed it and if you want it to stop, you simply have to say it; support or no support from anyone.

Your happiness is how you want to experience; so create that accordingly…on your terms…without being rude, but by being frank and calm.

Play this situation over and over in your mind and how you will be assertive with them.

When the mind is prepared and rehearses this repeatedly, and then when the real situation plays out, your mind is already ready to support you.

Even if you have felt hesitant up until now, this mind training should hold you in good stead.

Take charge NOW! Best wishes.

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 12, 2021

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I'm an orphan and somehow I'm financially stable. After Covid my wife also lost almost all her family members. So kind of both are orphans now. We want at least 10 children now and this is well thought decision. My wife is over 35 still recovering with post Caeserian trauma after our 1st child naturally our target is impossible now however best sex or ways we try. She too is ready for anything any relationship which can give us minimum 10 children (genetically ours) and adoption we'll consider only out of love and not this or other needs, to add family beyond 10 children, if possible. With nasty bad luck, we have no other choice except this well thought decision. Kindly help us know how we can achieve. We're ready for any sort of extra marital or any other relationships or surrogacy etc. Please help Anu ma'am.
Ans: Dear D, It is indeed a tough phase that you have been through.

Losing loved ones is very draining emotionally and I can only imagine the pain that you both feel.

Having said this, I am not about to question or judge why you want 10 children or the methods you want to achieve that number. That's your personal decision.

But my job as a Mind Coach is to point out that extra marital affairs and a pregnancy from that can lead to complicated relationship arrangements.

Who will care for the baby? Will three people co-parent?

How do you propose to deal with the emotional and developmental effects on the baby who has to understand who is are his/her parents?

Surrogacy is an option that you might want to look at considering that your wife is also over 35 years.

Adoption is worth considering if you look a giving another child a home and also you have a child within your family.

Whatever your decision, also consider the financial responsibilities of raising 10 children.

I am only giving you various perspectives and also suggest: Please speak to someone neutral; it could be a counsellor or a close friend where you can release your grief of losing your loved ones.

Sit with them and weigh this entire proposition and hear their objective thought process.

Whatever you decide, bring a child into your home and hearts knowing that you can give them a loving home, support and care.

If you are convinced after all deliberations, make a wise decision with your wife and raise that huge family that you are dreaming of.

Be a happy family.

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 03, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 30, 2023Hindi
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Hello, I do follow you from sometime and thought to ask you...NO... share my inner turmoil and get some suggestions.... DON’T KNOW WHAT I WANT ? I am 35 year old, unmarried female, I work in small firm, living a good life with my family. I am happy being single and don't have any thought about getting married sooner. Actually that something strange.... is it ? Sometime I wonder if I am going to regret today's decision of being single ? of not having a family of my own? It scare me sometime.... I always say I won't be regretting it because it’s the best what I can do for myself now BUT... Also, recently one of my relative is pregnant - seeing her and think about the child, I feel connected to babies... So, It also come to mind I won't be able to experience it.... Though I am freaking shit scared of the whole thing... but a new born child of your own... it give such a good feeling. I know I can adopt and will if, but it not an easy thing in India ... the procedure are a lot. Also i am not that financial stable, belong to lower middle class family, unmarried, aged.... One more thing that i found strange about me is.... I am never get attracted toward man or woman (LOL) physically or emotionally.... I don’t feel like my body/ heart/mind need it.... That one big reason I never thought of marriage.... I can't ruin a persons life by getting married to him even after knowing... I will never be able to become his wife completely; RIGHT ? I don't feel any thing about physical relationship... not good not bad. It a big part of married life - some thing that MUST. I also sometime wonder may be with time as duty i will accept it, may be like it..... but that a whole experiment thing... I know my personal space it quite bigger... when I actually start thinking about it i found out i never show love or emotions physically to anyone..... like hugging your parents siblings... giving kiss to kids... patting animals... holding friends hand.... anything I don't do it... So I am sure the experiment is going to fail... I may become a good support but never a good partner. Man are different when it come to physical relation, I have read a lot of your posts, It clearing say - It mean a lot to them So, I found my decision of not getting married correct.... Baby I don’t thing I am at a stage to handle it now... but sure love them... I sound like a hypocrite wanting and not wanting...it's so confusing. Is any thing wrong with me.... I am overly emotional too....i carved care and support... but I am not a lonely person, has a very beautiful happy family. There are no questions just if you can say something in reply.... My thoughts confuse me a lot, your view on it may help me.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
How many thoughts do you want to handle at one go?
1. You feel connected to babies but at this stage you can't handle
2. You want to adopt but you worry about procedural difficulties
3. You don't want to get married as you feel that not being attracted will ruin someone's life
4. You don't want a physical relationship
5. Your personal space matters a lot to you
6. You can't show physical affection to anyone
7. You are overly emotional
8. You crave care and support
In all of this, I still want you to think:
- What is it that I actually want?
- What is it that I am actually good at within the family?
- What is it that I am uniquely different when it comes to relationships?
- What can I change to make a marriage/relationship work on a long-term basis?

Your challenge/issue is that you choose to focus on what you don't want and that keep you in a confused state for long. Instead focus on what you want and what can help you get to that place; this can be the beginning of clearing confusions...So, if your thoughts confuse you, then shift focus to better thinking by answering the above questions...it will be a good place to start...

All the best!

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