Dear Mayank,
I have a personal problem that is affecting my work.
Please don’t reveal my name.
My wife and I are facing problems. We start fighting in the morning itself. We live with my parents so they get into it too and everything just escalates because they support me.
I reach office in a bad mood and am impatient with my juniors because of that. In meetings, I sometimes zone out thinking about my problems.
I know it should not affect my work but it is.
My wife and I are trying to work things out.
For personal reasons, we have to live with my parents.
I am thinking of asking for a transfer so that I can live alone for some time but that will mean moving out of the head office and handling lesser responsibilities which I don’t want to do.
I would like to be able to separate my home and work so that I perform effectively in the office.
I really enjoy my job and work in a good company.
How can I get out of this mess and be a good employee?
Thank you.

Hi.

I appreciate the fact that you sacrificed your job to take care of your parents.

Ideally, you should go back to a larger city and restart your career. I am sure your past employer would be open to taking you back.

If that is not possible, then you need to have a candid discussion with your parents and make them understand that their constant involvement in your life is not acceptable.

They may be doing it out of love but, since it is negatively impacting you, they need to give you space.

Please don’t change your job in your hometown as that will further complicate your situation.

Hi

It is unfortunate that you are in this situation.

Your wife is possibly not very inclined to be in a joint family set-up; the reasons maybe many. But isn’t it necessary for you as a husband and a father to look out for your family?

The misunderstandings caused between the two of you over the years because of being in a joint family set-up have never been addressed and much water has flowed under the bridge.

There is a slim chance that matters might get resolved if you get your mother and wife in the same room and iron it out, with you being a neutral person who does not take sides; this is the best option.

If this isn’t possible, kindly visit a family counsellor who can step in and show your family a way to live amicably or give you a perspective on how healthy it might be to live separately.

At the end of the day, you have responsibilities towards your wife and child too!

All the best and a Happy 2022.

What we can do is make the best of what is at this point in time. It indeed is hard to be away from family at a time like this.

I know parents in some families do find it hard adjusting to a new city at their age and having your wife care for them as logical as the decision was has begun to take a toll on the family as a whole.

It is an amazing feeling to come back home to a family after a hard day’s work where they wait with love, care and support.

Either a job in Mumbai or moving your family to Delhi are the options as it is evident that family and their love is important for you to have the security and stability.

Having said this, Lockdown 5.0 begins soon, I think fearlessly take a call, visit your family.

If you think you want to isolate yourself in the fear of COVID-10, do so…but more that all of this, do sit down as a family, COMMUNICATE, talk to your parents about how this is affecting you and obviously they care and love you enough to hear your side of the story.

And finally, do what needs to be done to make sure that your parents understand and are taken care of and your wife and children are with you as a family.

Happy decision making and be happy!

Well, we do need money to keep the family running, right?

Somehow, external happenings of someone earning more can get into the marriage cropping up as comparisons.

What started as a mere seed of comparison, slowly starts to become a huge tree with fruits of poison robbing even the small successes that you might have had.

Even that seems never enough leaving you with a feeling of inadequacy.

This affects marriage compatibility and comes out as anger, sadness, violent outburst, finger pointing which is evident in your marriage.

At the same time, I am sure your wife does not really intend to hurt you with these behavioural displays.

And that’s why externalising the situation to be your fault arises and she does not want to think that her perceptions are what are causing the situation.

Either you sit her down and bring her down to facts of the matter that this is how life is going to be and this is the money is what you can bring.

If it’s still an issue and she has a hard time accepting this reality, involve an elder member from her family to communicate with her.

Show her the mirror as to how her wants are unequal to what money is coming in and how this regular chatter might be affecting the children as well.

If anyone needs professional intervention, it’s both of you going to a therapist and not a psychiatrist.

The expert can help out things into perspective where both of you can rebuild your relationship with renewed mind spaces.

Happy rebuilding!